


High Hopes

by JCMadGirl



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: AU No Magic, All the time, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Baz Needs A Hug, Blood, Boi its so angsty, But it's there, Child Abuse, Davy's A+ parenting, Depression, Dev/Agatha it's brief, Drinking, Drugs, Eating Disorders, Enemies to Lovers, Everyone needs therapy I swear, F/M, Fighting, Homophobia, Hurt Baz Pitch, Hurt Simon Snow, I promise there's a happy ending, It's not a lot, M/M, Malcolm A+ parenting, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Partying, Rape/Non-con Elements, Simon needs a hug, Smoking, Smut, everywhere, they're all super rich
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-08
Updated: 2020-05-26
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:55:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 14
Words: 82,233
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24079369
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JCMadGirl/pseuds/JCMadGirl
Summary: Simon and Baz hate each other. Always have, and always will.It's one of the few constants in Simon's messy life.Or so he thought, because it turns out, there's more to Baz than what meets the eye.**[He’s not sure why they spent so much time fighting when they could have done this since day one. So much time wasted.Oh well.Simon is determined to make up for all the time lost.]
Relationships: Dev/Agatha, Dev/Niall (Simon Snow), Ebeneza "Ebb" Petty & Simon Snow, Penelope Bunce/Shepard, Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Comments: 96
Kudos: 241





	1. Idfc

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, friends!  
> I am here to bring you these thing that I wrote in two weeks because I'm having Snowbaz feels.  
> Basically, in this universe there's no magic, and the story is set during the summer after the last year of highschool.  
> Now, I have no idea how highschool works in the UK so I'm sorry if they're a bit too old, I'm bullshitting my way through this.  
> Anyway, everyone is rich as fuck, they're young and beautiful and having the time of their life.  
> On a serious note, this story is very graphic in literally every way. The smut, Davy being an abusive fuck, and Malcolm being an asshole, everything is described in details, so be careful kids.  
> Also, about the non-con tag, it's found in later chapters, and I'll put a Warning at the beginning of each one, but it's all very brief and nothing MAJOR happens, but like, know that it's there. 
> 
> Comments and kudos are always appreciated!  
> Read the Notes at the end for the warnings of this chapter!  
> Song of this chapter: Idfc by blackbear

_ [ _ _ You've been out all night _

_ I don't know where you've been _

_ You're slurring all your words _

_ Not making any sense _

_ But I don't fucking care, at all _

_ 'Cause I have hella feelings for you _

_ I act like I don't fucking care _

_ Like they ain't even there _ _ ] _

  
  


**BAZ**

Baz wakes up with a killing headache. 

“Oh fuck.” He says. Dev and Niall are all in his bed, the three of them a mess of tangled limbs. “Dev, get you fucking shoes out of my bed!” He yells and Dev tells him to fuck off but toes off his shoes anyway. 

“Baz?” That’s Niall, slowly opening his eyes. “Where am I?” 

“Our room, idiot.” 

“Oh good.” And just like that he’s out again. Baz forces himself to sit up. He’s thirsty and needs to pee. Bathroom first. 

He takes an aspirin and brings the water bottle back to bed. He pushes Niall’s arm out of the way and takes back his place between the other two. Niall, snoring softly, shifts closer, and Baz lets the other boy curl in his side, one of Niall’s hands reaching out for Dev too, on Baz’s other side. 

It’s good. 

Baz falls asleep in two seconds flat.

** 

The second time Baz wakes up is to Dev and Niall screaming at each other. 

“What the fuck, boys?” He asks, a bit pissed. 

“Oh, good morning, Sleeping Beauty.” 

“Fuck off, Dev.”

“Suck a dick, Baz.” 

“Suck mine, arsehole.” 

“Dev! That was cheating!” Niall yells. Baz looks up and sees them playing videogames on the big tv in their room, splayed on the couch.

“Fuck off, Niall, it wasn’t.” Baz falls back amongst the pillow, trying to gather up enough energy to get up from bed. Eventually he’s hungry enough that he swings his legs over the edge. 

“What time is it?” Niall checks his phone and Baz shuffles in the small kitchen attached to the bedroom. 

“Uh, three p.m.” 

“Christ.” 

“Takeaway?” Baz asks, and they nod. “Chinese good?” Another grunt of approval. Baz calls their favorite restaurant and put in their usual order, then goes back to the couch with his friends. He picks up his phone from the floor where he must have dropped it last night and starts scrolling through Instagram. 

Dev posted a couple of stories from the club last night, mostly drinks and people jumping up and down. In one of Niall’s stories there’s Agatha Wellbelove. Snow, Bunce and that other guy, Shepard-what’s-his-name, are in the background.

“What the fuck happened last night?” Baz asks. “Why do I have like twenty pictures of Wellbelove in my gallery?” 

“Dev took your phone and went to hit on her.” 

“It was a mistake, I thought it was mine.” Dev says, eyes glued to the screen. “Send them to me, Baz.”

“Please don't jack off in the room, Dev.” 

“Fuck you, Baz.” He sends the pictures anyway.

**

Hours later it’s almost dinner time, the tree of them have showered and changed into something appropriate for dinner. Dinners at the Manor are always such a big thing for no reason. Daphne insists that it’s because she wants to make a good impression on their guests, the guests being Dev and Niall, which is ridiculous because the two of them have been living at the Manor since the beginning of highschool. 

They have their own rooms, but Malcolm ended up putting two more beds in Baz’s room a while back, so at least they wouldn’t sleep all in the same bed, like they did when they were little.

Daphne says that they can’t function when one of them is missing, and it’s true. 

The table in the dining room is already set up, and all of Baz’s little sisters and brother are already sitting at the table with Daphne. Malcolm’s chair is still empty, which is good, because the man hates waiting. The boys take their place, with Baz sitting at the other head of the table, opposite to Malcolm. 

“Baz, dear.” Daphne begins, a smile playing on her lips. “You boys made it to the front page last night.” 

“What?” 

“The tabloids. Did you check the news today?” 

“Not really.” The three of them get their phone out simultaneously, and unsurprisingly, Daphne is right. The tabloids and gossip pages are filled with pictures from last night, both of his group and Snow’s. 

“Good to see you alive, son.” His dad says, sarcasm dripping from his voice. Baz feels his lips curve in a sneer. 

“Can’t say the same, Father.” Malcolm pays his no mind as he leans over to kiss all of his other children. 

“Daphne told me you were photographed again last night, in inappropriate circumstances.” 

Baz shoots a glare at Daphne, she really should know better than showing these things to Malcolm. 

The waiters bring in the food and the table is completely silent as they eat. 

“Care to explain yourself?” Malcolm asks and Baz shakes his head.

“I didn’t think I had to.” 

“Well, you should.” Malcolm’s voice is full of anger. Which seems excessive for a couple of pictures in a club. It’s not like they were snorting cocaine, Jesus. 

He exchanges a look with Dev and Niall, who look as confused and Baz feels. Until Mordelia shows him her phone under the table.

_ Ah. So that’s why he’s mad.  _

Baz can feel all the blood leaving his face as he stares at the picture. It’s of himself and another guy. Baz remembers him. Well, maybe  _ remember  _ is a strong word. He remembers dancing with someone, several someones, and he guesses this guy here is one of them. 

Baz doesn’t miss how the guy looks a lot like Snow, blue eyes and blonde curls. 

_ Ha. Hilarious. _

Baz looks up at Malcolm, who looks positively livid. 

“We talked about this, Basilton.” The man grits out. 

“Malcolm, honey, let’s just have dinner, mh? We can talk about it later,  _ calmly.”  _

“He can’t keep doing this sort of things. It’s unacceptable.” Malcolm whispers angrily at Daphne, as if the whole table couldn’t hear him. Then he turns back to Baz. “We talked about this.” 

Baz wants to scream that  _ no,  _ they did not, in fact, talk about this. What happened, a few years ago, was that Baz went on another bender of his, fucked a guy, came back home high as a kite and Malcolm tried to slap the gay out of him. And then Malcolm yelled some more and slapped Baz some more, and it’s been like this since then. Baz dates guys, sometimes, but eventually, the need of keeping it a secret always ends up destroying whatever relationship he tries to build. 

He realizes he got caught up in his thoughts when he feels Niall touch his knees. He looks up again. 

“It doesn’t mean anything.” 

“No, it doesn't, but it  _ looks  _ like something.” All the venom that Malcolm puts in those few words makes Baz sicks. 

“What does it looks like,  _ Father?”  _ Baz snarls, sneering. He clasps his hands together to stop them from shaking, and leans back in his chair. He stares at his father and his father stares back. He knows Malcolm will  _ never  _ acknowledge what it looks like, because acknowledging would make it real, and the only heir to the Pitch name and the first born of the Grimms can’t be a  _ faggot _ . 

“Right, that’s enough. Dessert, anyone?” Daphne breaks the silence that fell on the table, and Baz knows he has won this round somehow. Malcolm will not talk about his son’s queerness in front of Baz’s younger siblings, so the only thing left for Baz to do is leave the table and avoid his father for the rest of the evening. 

Baz stands, dropping his napkin on the table. 

“Thank you, Daphne, but I think I’ll just go to bed early tonight.” He doesn’t need to check to know that Dev and Niall are following, with similar excuses of their own. 

They make it back to Baz’s room before any of them says anything. It’s Dev.

“Well, wasn’t that a shitshow.” Baz snorts.

“Yes, yes it sure fucking was.” Niall puts one hand on his shoulder, and Baz looks at anything but his friend’s eyes. Niall was always the best one at reading him, always the soft one in their group. 

Maybe it’s because he wasn’t born in a family like his and Dev’s. Not that Niall and his family are on speaking terms. Baz doesn’t even know why, Niall never talks about it. 

“You okay, Baz?” 

“Yes, fine.” He straightens his back, and walks to the balcony of his room, a cigarette in his fingers. Dev and Niall follow him, cigarettes also in hand. 

“So, who was that guy?” Dev asks. Baz shakes his head, taking a long drag.

“‘Fuck do I know.” 

“You just got yelled at by your father for a guy you don’t even know?” Niall says, a bit incredulous. Baz can feel a smile tugging at his lips.

“And here I thought that you were finally over your sad crush on Snow.” 

And just like that, Baz is laughing. 

**

The morning after, Baz wakes up early. Dev and Niall are both snoring, in their respective beds.

Baz grabs his cigarettes and goes to the balcony to smoke, coffee in hand. Outside it’s hot, even if it’s early in the morning. It’s almost the middle of the summer after all. 

Maybe today he’ll receive the acceptance letter from the LSE. It’s not that he has any doubt he got in, his grades are perfect, and one would be an idiot to refuse an application from the Pitches, but it would be nice to know for sure. 

As of right now, Baz is just trying to enjoy his last summer before university with his mates. Dev and Niall also plan on going to LSE, and they will also most likely get in. They are the elite, after all. 

He goes back into the room, Dev and Niall are still sleeping, but it’s only nine yet. Perhaps they’ll go clubbing tonight, Baz is itching for a distraction from last night’s fiasco. 

He decides that the best course of action is to go looking for food. He’s sure there’s something to eat in his small kitchenette. 

**

“What are we doing tonight?” Niall asks, throwing himself on Baz’s bed, because he’s annoying like that.

“You have your own bed right there, Niall. Why do you insists on staying on mine?” 

“Because I like to annoy you. Now, we were saying, tonight?” 

“The Garden?” 

“The one with the rooftop terrace?” 

“Yeah. Last time we had fun. I heard they’re having a White Party type of thing.” 

“I don’t own anything white, Dev, and you know that.” 

“I’m not going shopping with you, Baz.” 

“Do you want to go to the White Party or not?” 

“Fine.” He groans.

“Good.” Baz nods, starting to look for his wallet. “We better go, then.”

“Hey, Dev, can I ask you something?” 

“What, Niall?” 

“Do you want to go to the White Party because you like the party or because Wellbelove will be there?” Niall asks, smug grin on his face. Baz watches his cousin blushing up to his ears. 

“Oh, Dev, I didn’t think you could get more boring. Wellbelove, really?” 

“Like you’re one to talk, Baz, you’ve been crushing on her ex for years.” 

“And it’s very rude of you to bring it up everytime.” Baz finally manages to find his wallet, and throws a shoe at Dev. “Let’s go. If you want to impress Wellbelove, you’ll need more than your usual shirt.” 

“But we haven’t had lunch, yet!” 

“You should have thought about that before telling me that Snow is going to be there, because I have nothing to wear. We need to go.” 

**

The Garden is on top of a building in the city center. It consists on the entire last three floors, each floor playing different kinds of music, with the last one actually being a terrace. No ceiling. It’s already dark enough that Baz can see some of the stars. 

Since they’re them, young and rich and popular, they have a reserved table on the side of the last floor. 

One of the waiters brings them a couple of bottle of champagne to begin, and Baz pops one open as soon as the waiter leaves. 

They drink the first one quickly.

The best part of being outside, is that Baz can smoke as much as he wants without having to go outside every time. 

“This place is so fucking cool.” Niall screams in his ear. 

“It’s quite alright.” Baz says, cigarette in one hand and glass in the other. Niall is right, though, this place really is good.

“Spotted Wellbelove, yet?” Baz asks Dev, trying to sound indifferent. Dev and Niall see right through his bullshit, of course, because they always do. Losers. 

“No, haven’t seen Snow’s little gang yet.” 

“Guys, you are so boring.” Niall rolls his eyes, opening the second bottle. 

“Why don’t you go find yourself a nice girl? Or guy?” 

“Let’s go dance.” Niall says, standing up.

“Bring the bottle.” Dev says, and Niall grins, grabbing the bottle from the table. 

“Tonight it’s going to be a good night, boys, I can feel it!” Baz lets Niall drape on arm around his shoulder, and together they head amongst the sea of people. 

**

Baz is sweating. And in a bad mood. 

Snow and his friends arrived about an hour ago. Unfortunately for Dev, Wellbelove found herself a guy as soon as she stepped on the dance floor, blonde hair flowing behind her and a dress so tight that not much is left to the imagination. 

But what is really annoying Baz, is that Snow hasn’t left his seat at their table for the whole time they’ve been here. Which is weird, because Snow loves dancing, and is usually the first to go, hand in hand with Wellbelove. 

But tonight, he’s just sitting there, looking like an angel. He’s wearing a simple white, korean shirt, and white jeans, chains attached to his belt as usual. His tanned, golden skin looks amazing against the white of his clothes. 

Snow also looks like he got into a fight with the whole football team. Which is entirely possible, he was always exceptionally good at picking fights. 

He’s got a black eye, and a couple of cuts on his face, the skin redder around them. And a split lip. It’s very distracting. 

But the absolutely worst thing, is that Snow hasn’t looked at him once. 

This is not how it’s supposed to be.

Dev has been dancing around Wellbelove long enough, that Snow should have already come over to try and keep Dev away from her. 

But that hasn’t happened tonight yet, so Baz doesn’t have any excuse to talk to him, and it’s pissing Baz off. No one ignores a Pitch, especially this Pitch.

“Baz, don’t.” Niall says, one hand on his arm. 

“I’m not doing anything.” 

“You’re plotting, I can see you plotting. Don’t be an ass and ruin everyone’s night, for once, okay?”

“He’s ignoring me.” Baz is fully aware that he sounds like a whiny twelve-years-old, but he can’t help it. He finally drags his eyes away from Snow, still talking to Bunce and Shepard, and looks at Niall, who is positively drunk.

“Don’t be a dick, alright? You’re being boring and annoying, which means you’re not drunk enough.” 

“I don’t want to get drunk. I don’t need more photos of me in  _ inappropriate situations.” _

Niall’s eyes are soft.

Sometimes Baz thinks that if the circumstances were different, and if he weren’t so in love with Simon Snow, he could have fallen for Niall. 

Or if Niall didn’t have a cosmic crush for Dev. 

“Don’t listen to him, Baz. He’s an arsehole.”

“I know.” Baz says, pulling back. He runs one hand through his hair, pushing them away from his face. “This is stupid.” He says out loud, and it is. He’s letting Snow ruin his night, and that’s not right. He stands up, pulling Niall up with him. 

“Let’s go dance.” Niall’s grin is huge, as they stumble their way to the dancefloor. Baz looks over at Dev, who now has his hands on Wellbelove’s hips. Niall looks grim for half a second, before the smile is back on his face.

Baz lights himself a cigarette, and closes his eyes, and smiles, and watches the sky, and dances. 

**SIMON**

Simon is in pain. Not as much as it could be, given the state his body is in. He took a couple of painkillers before leaving, and Penny has more in her bag, which he’s going to need soon. 

But The Garden is amazing as usual. It’s not Heaven, but it’s still good. Simon has lost count of how many people have stopped by their table to say hi and chat for a few minutes. Simon loves it, loves listening and talking to people, being surrounded by so many of his friends. 

It’s good, and exactly what he needed after Davy’s last stunt. 

“Penny?” She turns, stopping mid sentence. “Can I have my painkillers?” 

“Already?”

“Come on, Penny, I’m in pain.” She sighs, handing him a couple of pills. He swallows them down with a long gulp of his gin lemon. 

He’s several drinks in, and in a good mood. Not even watching Dev and Agatha dance together can ruin that. Agatha looks like she’s having fun, after all, and Simon doesn’t have anything against Dev, except that he’s Baz’s cousin. 

“Better?” Penny asks, and he nods, smiling at her. 

“Yeah, thanks.” He stands up, body definitely sore, but Simon can ignore it. “I’m gonna get another bottle.”    
“Why don’t you just order it?”   
“Feel like walking a bit. We’ve been sitting the whole night.” He can’t go dance, that’s for sure, but he can walk around a bit. 

It turns out he even knows the bartender. 

“Snow? Simon Snow?” He squints, trying to figure out who the guy is. Then it clicks. 

“Lucas Williams?” Lucas nods, smiling brightly at him. “Holy shit, it’s been so long!” 

“Fuck me, it has.”

“How come I’ve never seen you here?”

“Why, you come here often?” 

“Often enough.” 

“Well, look at you. I heard you were adopted by someone rich, but didn’t figure out  _ how  _ rich.” Simon’s laugh doesn’t even sound forced.

“Yes, it’s been good. He’s a decent person.” He lies easily. “What about you?” 

“I’ve just landed this job, to be honest.” 

Lucas ends up taking a break then, quickly making a drink each, so he can catch up with Simon.

It feels a bit unreal, to meet someone from his life before Davy in a place like this. 

Lucas and Simon met in one of the many shitty care houses Simon has lived in, and the other boy had left that house right before the owner ended up in jail for dealing. Good times. 

“You alone, here?” Lucas asks. Simon shakes his head.

“No, I’m with my friends.” Simon answers. Lucas leans closer a bit, smiling. 

“ _ Only  _ friends?” He asks. Simon nods.

“My ex-girlfriend is here, but we’re still friends.” 

“Ex-girlfriend? How about-

“Fuck no.” Simon says, interrupting the other guy mid-sentence, and Lucas looks at him quizzically, but Simon’s eyes aren’t on him anymore. He’s looking at Baz, now. A very much drunk Baz, stumbling his way towards them, looking even better than he usually does.

Baz only wears dark clothes, but tonight, he’s dressed fully in white. He’s wearing a white shirt with gold detailing, and white dress pants. Very tight pants. Simon is staring. 

“Snow, such a displeasure to see you here.” Simon looks over to Lucas, who has an amused look on his face.

“Baz, what do you want?” He says, trying to express how annoyed he is.

(He’s not. Yet, at least.)

“Nothing, just passing by.” Simon stares at him, and Baz stares back. 

“Hey, Snow, how are you?” Simon finally registers Niall, at Baz’s side, and gives him a small smile. 

“Hi.” Baz glares at Niall. 

“Why is he smiling at you and and I only get a rude ‘ _ what do you want’ _ ?” Baz asks, words slurring a little. It makes both Simon and Niall laugh, as they share a look. 

“Because he’s nice to me, Baz.” Simon answers. Lucas behinds him huffs a laugh.  _ Shit. Right.  _ “Uh, guys, this is Lucas. Lucas, Baz and Niall.” Lucas shakes Niall hands, but Baz only glares at him.

“Right. You know, I’ve read about this rivalry in the tabloids, thought it was only for publicity.” Lucas says, and Simon shakes his head. 

“No, Baz, really is an arsehole. Made my life a living hell since day one.” He says, and Baz glares at him. If looks could kill, Simon would be already six feet under. 

“My occasional presence in your life is the only thing that makes it worth living.” Baz says. 

And Simon’s good mood is gone.

“Wow, Baz. Really?” 

“Oh, sorry, did that hit too close to home, Snow?” 

“Fuck off, Baz, leave me alone.” 

“Let’s go, Simon.” 

“Christ, Baz.” Niall hisses, trying to pull Baz away, but Baz isn’t done apparently. 

“Who even is this person?” Baz asks. “Looks even more like a charity case than you do, Snow. At least Wellbelove cleaned you up.” 

It takes every ounce of Simon’s willpower to not kill Baz right there and there. If it weren’t for the bruises that still burn on his back, Simon would tackle him in a second. 

“Simon, let’s go.” Lucas says again, taking his arm. Simon nods, clenching his jaw. He doesn't even have time to finish turning before Baz’s voice cuts through the air again. 

“Aw, Snow, afraid of a little truth? I knew you were stupid, didn’t think you were also a coward.” 

“That’s it.” Simon says, and then he turns to throw a punch straight on Baz’s nose. Someone screams, then Lucas is pulling him away and Baz is on the ground. 

“God, that felt so good.” He exhales, Baz’s nose is bleeding. 

He turns around, pulling Lucas with him.

Time to leave. 

He basically crashes into Penny, Shepard and Agatha right behind her.

“Simon, what happened?” Penny screams, reaching for him.

“We, uh, need to go. Before security shows up.”

“Jesus, Si.” She murmurs, but she takes his hand anyway, and together they make their way out of the club. He stops at the exit, to turn at Lucas. 

“Uhm, sorry about that.” Lucas shakes his head, smiling. 

“He was being an asshole, it’s fine.” 

“It would be great if you didn’t say it was me.” Lucas winks at him, making Simon blush.

“Don’t worry, I’ll cover for you. Go now.”

“Thanks, mate. I owe you one.” Simon says grinning, and then Penny is dragging him away. 

They make it out of the building in record time, Agatha’s limousine waiting for them already. 

“Fuck, Simon! What happened?” Penny asks once they’re inside. 

“I punched Baz.” He answers. Agatha pops a bottle of champagne open. 

“ _ Again?”  _ Agatha almost screams. “Why?” 

“He was being an arse. More than usual.” 

“Poor Baz.” Agatha whispers, handing a glass to Simon.

“Had it coming.” 

“I’ll drink to that, mate.” Shepard says, raising his glass. Penny snorts, clinking their glasses together. Then she turns to look at Agatha, mischievous smile playing on her lips. 

“Was that Dev you were dancing with?” Agatha blushes. 

“He’s hot.” She says, pouting. She puts her long hair in a bun over her head. “Simon, your weird relationship with Baz keeps ruining  _ my  _ relationships.” Shepards snorts, and Simon glares at her. 

“I don’t have a relationship with Baz.” 

“He was totally being jealous tonight.” 

_ “What?”  _ Agatha looks at Penny and they share a knowing look that Simon doesn’t like. At least Shepard looks as lost as Simon feels. 

“Nothing, don’t worry.” 

“I hate you, Aggie.” 

“You know that’s a lie.” She pours him and herself another glass, then smiles. “So, who’s up for an after party? Liam from the lacrosse team is throwing one at his house.” 

“It’s only two, I’m down.” Shepard says, downing his glass. Simon shrugs, and Penny nods.

“Party it is, then.” 


	2. everything i wanted

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, kids, here I am back again with the second chapters. Things are starting to get interesting, and it's time to dive a bit deeper in the life of the characters!   
> PLEASE read the Warnings at the end fro triggers, because as I mentioned everything is quite explict.   
> Be safe kids. 
> 
> Comments and kudos are always appreciated!  
> Song: everything i wanted by Billie Eilish

_ [I had a dream _

_ I got everything I wanted _

_ Not what you'd think _

_ And if I'm being honest _

_ It might've been a nightmare] _

  
  


**SIMON**

“Simon, fix your tie, son. We can’t have people thinking you don’t know how to dress properly, do we?”

“Of course not, sir.”

“Good boy.” Simon smiles at the praise and goes back to the big mirror in the foyer, trying to straighten his tie as best as he can. He thinks he looks okay, but to be fair he never understood much of proper etiquette and manners, no matter how many times Davy tried to beat them into him.

Davy doesn’t spare a second glance to Simon as they enter the limousine, immediately pulling up the divider between them and the driver, and turns to Simon. 

“Let’s revise once again what your task of tonight is.” He says, with a voice that doesn’t allow protests. Simon nods, straightening his back.

“My target is Lord Julian Harth, CEO of the Harth Company. They make computer parts.” Simon pauses a second, to check if Davy is content up to now. The man nods, gesturing for him to go on.  _ Okay, good _ . “I need to find out who the man plans to support in the elections and make him support you.”

Davy nods, again. Simon lets out the air he had been holding, relaxing minutely. 

“Good boy. Make sure he’s happy, get him a bit drunk, give him everything he wants. People like him enough, his company is thriving and he’s well popular amongst the aristocracy of the country. We need his support, and we need his money.”

“Yes, sir.” 

“Do not disappoint me, Simon. You know what the consequences are.” Simon nods stiffly, trying to ignore the sudden lump in his throat, a shiver running down his spine. He looks down, avoiding Davy’s eyes. 

“Yes, sir.” 

“Good.” Then Davy is smiling and suddenly they have arrived. The gala is for one of Davy’s many charity foundation, Simon hasn’t even bothered to learn which. 

They get out of the limousine and are immediately assaulted by paparazzi, the clicks and the flashes of the cameras making Simon a little dizzy. 

Davy takes him by the arm, a little bit more forcefully than strictly necessary and guides him towards the entrance. 

Inside people are chatting and eating. It’s a pretty thing to watch, Simon thinks absently. Women in long, elegant dresses, and men in tailored suits, sipping champagne while soft music plays in the background.

“Make sure he drinks before taking him away.” Davy says with such a bright smile that Simon can’t compute what the man has said for a full minute, just staring dumbly at him. Davy squeezes his shoulder again, and Simon is harshly brought back to the reality. 

“Yes, sir.” Davy nods and lets him go, walking away. He feels jittery, on edge, as he always does when Davy assigns him a task. He looks around for Penny, Agatha and Shepard. He could really use a couple of friendly faces. 

He finds them by the bar, getting their glass refilled. Penny is the first one to spot him and Simon smiles brightly at her. Seeing Penny always eases some of his anxiety. 

He kisses the girls on the cheek and shakes hands with Shepard, then gets his own glass of champagne. 

_ God bless the freebar. _

“Si, the party is amazing. I’ve already seen the Prime Minister getting smashed.” Penny laughs, and Agatha nods.

“Gossip has it, the wife is planning to leave him for a guy much younger from Oxford.” Simon offers a laugh of his own, but it feels forced even to his own ears. He’s too tense. 

He listens to his friends talk for about half an hour, and he’s on his second glass already when Agatha taps his shoulder. 

“Hey, look who has arrived.” She whispers, staring towards the entrance. Simon follows her line of sight, and his eyes fall on no one other the Tyrannus Basilton Grimm-Pitch the Third, filthy rich and asshole extraordinaire. Simon groans. 

“Christ, not him. Why is he even here? Who invited him?” Shepard shrugs.

“It  _ is _ a charity event, and the Grimms  _ are  _ one of the richest family in the country.” 

“Yeah, but it’s Davy’s charity event, and he  _ hates _ Malcolm.” 

“Maybe it’s to keep up appearances. This is a society event, you can’t exclude the Grimms from this kind of things.” Penny muses and Simon groans again, emptying his glass. 

“His nose looks alright, maybe a bit crooked.” Agatha comments.

“I can’t believe he’d show up here.” Simon complains. Penny and Agatha share a look, and then Agatha is smiling, leaning closer to Simon.

“Well,  _ I  _ for one, am happy he’s here. He always makes these things interesting, doesn’t he? And he looks especially handsome, tonight, don’t you think, Simon?” There’s a playful note in her voice, and Simon sputters, choking a little on the champagne.

“What? Why would I- I guess- I don’t-

“Agatha, I think you broke him.” Shepard says, and then the three of them are giggling and Simon glares at Agatha.

“Oh relax, Si. It was just a joke.” Simon shakes his head. 

He and Agatha used to date, a couple year ago, when they were still in highschool. It didn’t work out, Simon always thought that they only got together because that’s what everybody was expecting it, because it was the obvious thing to do. The Golden Boy and the prettiest girl in their year. They’re still good friends, now, always have been better at being friends. 

“Yeah, but he’s still a complete arsehole!” Simon growls and Agatha looks triumphant. Simon doesn’t like that look.

“So you  _ do  _ admit that he’s attractive?” Simon knows he’s blushing up to the tip of his ears, and his eyes travel back to the guy in question. Baz is stupidly, annoyingly attractive. He’s the poster child of aristocracy, all sharp lines and that aura of confidence that makes Simon stammer and stutter all the time. Tonight he’s wearing a deep red suit, his black, long hair slicked back. He does look absolutely perfect. Simon hates him. The bastard is always perfect at what he does.

“It’s- it’s objective, isn’t it? Fucking Pitch.” Penny snorts, shaking her head. 

“Well, try not to pick a fight with him tonight. We don’t want a bottle-gate again.” Simon groans, Shepard and Agatha laughing at the memory.

The incident happened less than a year ago, when Baz and Simon got into a fight at a party just like this and Simon, clumsy as always, had knocked off the table several  _ expensive  _ bottles of Dom Perignon.

Needless to say, Davy had not been pleased with him that night. Simon’s shoulder still aches sometimes. 

“And don’t try to punch him again, I don’t want a repeat of the Garden situation either.” 

“What are you even talking about? It was a great night.” Shepard says, hiding a smile behind the edge of the glass.

“We had to  _ run away  _ from the club. It was a great party, I was having fun.” Penny glares.

“It won’t happen this time. I’ve got other things to do.” Simon murmurs, and in that same instant his eyes fall on Julian Harth, also heading to the bar. “Sorry guys, gotta go. Catch you later.” 

“Wait, Si, are we still going to Heaven after the gala?” Simon shrugs, eyes on Harth.

“I don’t know, I’ll let you know if I can come.” 

He leaves them to their chatter, but can feel Penny trailing her eyes after him. It doesn’t matter. Harth just reached the opposite side of the bar and Simon slides in at the man’s side. 

“Quite the party, yeah?” He asks to no one in particular, and Harth nods, smiling. They lock eyes for a second and Simon fully turns toward the man. “Mr. Harth, yes?” 

“That would be me, yes. You must be Davy’s boy. Simon, right?” 

“Correct. Can I get you something to drink?” 

“Sure, it’s what I came here for anyway.” Simon waves at the bartender and two glasses materialize in front on them. 

“Cheers.” They clink glasses and Simon takes a small sip, watching the man almost down his in a single swing. 

“So, what do you think of the gala so far?” Simon asks, conversationally. He gets the man another glass. 

“I’m not really into this type of things I must say.” Simon squints, observing the man. He must be in his late forties, brown hair and dark eyes. His suit looks as expensive as anybody’s else, but he’s also wearing shiny ass wristwatch. That watch by itself must be more expensive than all the houses Simon lived in before Davy adopted him. 

“Too crowded?” Simon asks, a beat too late. Harth doesn’t seem to notice though. He nods, eyes roaming the room.

“Yeah, I’m not a fan of crowds, to be honest. But it’s good press. We do what we gotta do.” Simon laughs quietly, politely. 

“That’s right.” Harth’s eyes trail back to Simon, glinting. 

“I assume that’s why Davy sent you to me. To talk business.” Simon isn’t smiling anymore. “Oh, don’t look so grim, boy. I know how these things work. Shall we, then?” Simon nods. 

“There’s a room upstairs where we can talk privately.” 

“Lead the way, then.” Simon finishes his glass, and orders two more. With their refills in hand, they make their way upstairs. 

They’re right in front of the stairs when someone calls his name.

“Hey, Snow, leaving already?” It’s Baz’s cutting voice. He groans internally. He really hasn’t got the time for him tonight. The sooner this is done with, the sooner he can go hang out with his friends.

He murmurs a quick apology to Harth and turns, smiling at Baz. The other boy looks taken aback by the smile for a second, but then his lips curl into the sneer that Simon sees in his nightmares. 

“Hi, Baz. It was good to see you, but I’m in the middle of something.” He says, trying to keep his cool. His stupid heart is fucking racing. 

“Running to Daddy, already? What did you do, now? Broke a Fabergé egg?” 

Simon doesn’t even know what the fuck that is.

He ignores Baz and leads Harth up the stairs. There are a bunch of rooms there when business can be done. Harth is right, these things really are just excuses to talk to the right people. 

There are a couple of armchairs and a sofa, with more drinks waiting for them on the table. This time it’s high brand scotch that Davy made sure would be there, waiting for them. Simon pours a couple of glasses and sits on the sofa, on the opposite side from Harth. 

“I’ll cut straight to the point.” Simon says, hoping he looks as confident as his voice sounds. Christ, he’s so nervous. Why does Davy always put him in situations like this? “My Father would appreciate very a much a  _ donation  _ to his election campaign, in a few months. Your political beliefs are similar, correct?” 

Harth nods, taking a sip from his glass.

“Correct, boy. And what would be in it for me?”

“Well, once Davy is re-elected Minister, I’m sure he will not forget this big favour you’re doing for him. Something can be arranged that pleases both parties, I’m sure.” Simon smiles, leaning back against the couch. 

_ Please say yes. Please say yes. Please say yes.  _

Harth nods again, putting down the glass. 

“This scotch is quite good.” He muses. Simon nods. 

“I’ll have a few bottles sent you house.” 

“That’s very nice of you, Simon.” Harth slides closer. It makes all the alarms in Simon’s head go off. It takes every ounce of Simon’s willpower to stay put. 

“For a friend of Davy’s, this and more.” He says, and Harth smiles at him. Smirks, more like it. It looks a lot like Baz’s evil grin. 

“I will not lie to you, Simon. Everything you said it’s correct, and I’ll be happy to work with your father. But, I’m afraid I’ll need a bit more convincing.” The man is now  _ awfully  _ close. 

_ Focus, Simon.  _

“What else can I do for you?” Simon asks, and he sees it in the man’s eyes that it was the worst possible fucking thing he could say. 

_ Fuck, fuck, fuck, no, God no- _

“Do you play any sports, Simon?” Harth wraps one arm around Simon’s shoulders, and now they’re pressed close. Simon is going to puke. His hands are shaking. 

He swallows hard, words stuck in his throat. 

“I- I was into- uh, boxing?” It comes out as question, but Harth doesn’t seem to notice. 

“And how old are you, again?” 

“Nineteen, sir.” 

“Barely out of school.” Simon nods, and Harth hums appreciatively, eyes sliding over Simon’s body. 

_ Fuck no. Christ. _

Davy couldn’t possibly expect this from his, right? He might hurt Simon, every once in a while, but he can’t  _ possibly  _ expect Simon to go through with this? 

_ Focus, Simon. _

In the back of his mind, Simon knows that yes, this is exactly why Davy sent him and didn’t come to talk to Harth in person. 

Simon is going to puke. He can’t move. 

“You look very beautiful tonight, Simon. Very pretty.” 

No, there’s no way he’s doing this. He’ll gladly take Davy’s anger over this. 

He stands up so abruptly that Harth almost falls face first in the couch. 

“I- uh, uhm- I-

_ Use your words, Simon.  _ Davy’s favorite mantra flies through his mind, but the words seem to be stuck. 

_ Focus, Simon. _

“I need to go.” He says in the end. “Davy- Davy will be in contact with you.” Harth barely has time to blink before Simon is out of the door. He runs down the stairs and mechanically walks to the bar. 

The party is in full swing but his friends are nowhere to be seen. Maybe they already went to Heaven, their favorite club. Simon wants to go with them. A night spent drinking himself into oblivion with his friends sounds amazing right now. 

His skin feels itchy and too tight. He can’t really breathe. The bartender hands him his a red drink and he doesn't even ask what’s in there. He just drinks it. 

“Look who’s here. Drinking alone, Snow? Did you pick up the habit from your dead-beat dad?” Baz’s sharp voice cuts through the haze in his mind. Simon clenches his fists, turning slowly. His words hit deep and low, just like they always do.

Everybody knows Davy adopted from a foster home when he was eleven, but no one really knows how bad it was when Davy got him out, how true Baz’s remarks are. 

Simon is going to punch him into next week. 

“Fuck off, Baz. I’m not in the mood.” He growls. Baz only huffs, stepping closer. Simon turns back to the bar. 

“Oh, come on, Golden Boy. What happened, did you fuck up Daddy’s business?” 

Jesus, how does he always  _ know? _

“Simon, Mr. Pitch.” That’s Davy’s voice. Simon turns sharply, locking eyes with the man. He feels Baz’s eyes on him, and he knows that Baz didn’t miss the tension in his body, his shaking hands. 

To be fair, Simon is really fucking scared.

_ Focus, Simon. _

“Didn’t mean to interrupt, boys, but I’m afraid I’ll have to steal Simon here for a moment.” The smile Davy gives Baz could cure cancer. Baz doesn’t smile back, his eyes still on Simon. Simon looks back at him, and wonders if Baz can see right through Davy’s bullshit.

Baz was always annoyingly smart and observing. 

Simon looks away. He wishes Baz would keep him there. Instead Baz nods, and excuse himself, leaving Simon with Davy. 

His stomach sinks to the floor, and he knows tonight he will not be going to Heaven with the others. He might drink himself into oblivion anyway. 

Davy’s grip on his shoulder is  _ tight,  _ and the man drags him outside of the gala, back to where their limousine is waiting. 

“Get in the car.” Davy all but growls, pushing Simon in. 

Once inside, Davy locks the door behind them, and Simon barely has time to realize what’s happening before he’s slapping him across his face with enough force to make his head turn. 

God bless tinted windows, right?

“What the  _ fuck  _ did you do, you stupid piece of shit?” Simons forces down a sob, avoiding Davy’s eyes like the plague. “I told you to do  _ one  _ thing, an easy one, give the man everything he asks for! And you couldn’t even do that.” 

Simon should say something, anything really. Not that there’s anything to say that would make it better. 

“He tried to-

“I  _ know  _ what the tried to do. And you should have let him.” Davy’s voice is cold, uncaring. Simon is shaking like a leaf, fists clenched so tight that his knuckles are turning white. He doesn’t say anything, and does his best to ignore Davy’s next words. “Come on, Simon. I sent you for a specific reason. It was your only job. How can you possibly,  _ always,  _ fuck up everything I send you to do?” 

Another pause. Simone is going to puke. 

“I’m very disappointed in you. We’ll continue this conversation at home, later. We have to get back now, people will wonder.” 

Simon nods, swallows back the tears filling his eyes. He wants to go to Penny, cry into her shoulder. 

_ Pathetic, really.  _

They get back to the party, and Simon is a mess. He takes out his phone. 

**_Simon:_ ** _ sorry, can’t come 2nite _

**_Penny:_ ** _ WHAT why _

**_Simon:_ ** _ gotta stay here with davy _

**_Penny:_ ** _ Aw Si, that sucks. You sure? _

**_Simon:_ ** _ yeah, sorry guys. Ttyl _

Simon pockets his phone and makes a beeline for the bar again. Baz is still there. Great. 

He ignores the other boy, and asks for a whiskey. The bartender hands it to him. 

“Keep ‘em comin’.” Simon says to him, and the bartender nods. The refill is already there when Simon downs his first one in one go. The amber liquid burns in his throat. Maybe he can get absolutely smashed even before Davy drags him home. The thought of going back makes him shiver. 

“You might want to slow down, Snow.” It’s Baz. Simon glances at him for a second, taking in his gorgeous gray eyes and his long fingers, tapping on the bar. 

“What’s it to you anyways?” 

“You are a wreck, Snow.” That makes Simon snort.

“Yeah, yeah, I guess I am.” Simon leans over the counter and grabs the bottle that the bartender left there. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I plan to get hammered in the next hour, and I can’t do that with your voice grating in my ear.” Simon is swaying a little when he gets up. 

“Shouldn't Bunce be looking after your sorry ass?” 

“She’s at Heaven.” 

“Why aren’t you, then?” Simon is so, so tired. 

_ I fucked up a job because I wouldn’t let a guy touch me, and now my father is mad at me and most likely gonna beat the shit out of me in like two hours.  _

“Had business to do here.” 

“Spoken like a true politician.” That for some reason make Simon’s stomach recoil. He thinks he might just throw up if Baz says something else. He starts walking before he can even process it, bottle in hand. 

Baz follows him. 

Simon makes his way upstairs again, to another room and waits for Baz to slip inside with him, before locking the door. He falls like a dead weight on the couch, reaching for the bottle again.

“Haven’t you had enough, already?” Baz asks. 

“Is that concern in you voice, Baz?” Simon asks, looking up. Nothing in his life could have prepared him for Baz Pitch  _ blushing.  _ Simon smiles.

_ Pretty.  _

“Of course not. The only concern I have is that you’re wasting a perfectly good bottle to get trashed.” It’s a weak excuse, and they both know it. If Simon were a bit more sober, he would give Baz so much shit for it. As it is, he pats the seat next to his, and Baz sits down. He leans back and tries to enjoy his drink.

Then Baz speaks again.

“So, to what should we drink?” 

“Mh?”

“Why are you getting plastered? What’s the occasion?” 

_ Do future broken ribs count? _

“I don’t know, Baz. No reason, just wanted a drink.” 

“That’s how you become an alcoholic, Snow.” Simon snorts, letting his eyes fall close. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he thinks this is all very weird. Simon and Baz are enemies, caught between a feud that was passed down to them. 

“Sorry about the other night. Your- nose.” Baz gazes at him for a few seconds, mouth pressed into a thin line. He pours himself another glass.

“I might have deserved it a little, maybe.”

“ _ A little?  _ You were being such an arse.” 

“Maybe you should stop being such an easy target then.” 

They stay like that for a while, trading insults and it’s- it’s not necessarily  _ good,  _ Simon still wants to punch him every now and then, but it’s familiar. It’s something Simon knows. 

So they stay like that, drinking and talking and every once a in a while Baz gets up and goes to the window to smoke a cigarette, and sometimes Simon joins him. 

It’s a couple of hours later when Simon’s phone rings. It makes Simon turn so fast that he hits his arm against the table. 

“Fuck.” He grabs his phone, ignoring Baz’s burning eyes on his back. He’s still at the window, cigarette burning between his fingers. Simon listens to Davy tell him to get downstairs, they’re leaving. 

And just like that, the sort of good mood that Baz talked him into vanishes. 

“I have to go.” He says, trying to sound calm. He’s pretty sure it doesn't work, he’s too drunk to lie. 

“Where?” Baz asks. 

“Home.” He answers. Baz looks at him like he wants to say something else, but he stays quiet. “Right. See you, Baz.” 

“Hopefully not.” Simon can feel his mouth turn in a soft kinda smile. Right. 

He walks out. 

_ Focus, Simon. _

***

“That was pathetic. You’re such a disgrace, Simon. After everything I’ve done for you, you are still so set on letting me down at every chance you get. You’re a waste of space.” 

Davy’s words hurt more than his punches, and his punches hurt a lot. 

Simon is currently on the floor of his room, and really doesn’t have any energy left to try and get up. There are tears burning in his eyes and he’s trying so hard to not let them spill.

_ Men don’t cry, Simon. _

“Get up.” Simon can’t. He really can’t. “ _ Get up.”  _ Davy grabs his hair and pulls him up, ripping a growl from Simon’s throat. It’s bad. It’s so, so bad. 

_ Focus, Simon. _

Davy punches him again right in the stomach, and Simon bends over. Davy kicks him into the floor again, and keeps kicking even when Simon stops making any noise. 

Simon thinks he might be saying something, but he can’t make out what. Not that it really matters, it’s not like Davy expects him to answers. 

Simon heard it all before, anyway. 

This is not even the worst part yet. 

“On your knees.” Davy says, calm and cold. It takes Simon a minute to comply, and Davy just stares at him, unbuckling his belt. 

_ Now  _ it’s the worst part. 

“I’m sorry.” Simon whispers, and he really is. Maybe he should have just let Harth kiss him, who knows what would have been worse. Somehow he manages to get on his knees, and he’s taking off his shirt before Davy tells him to. 

No point in delaying, is there? 

Davy runs one hand through his hair, and then pulls, snapping his head back, so that Simon is looking at him. 

“I’m only doing it because you need to be taught a lesson, you understand that, right, Simon?” he nods. He does. 

“Yes, sir.” 

“Good.” 

It hurts like a bitch, of course it does. Simon isn’t sure for how long it goes on, maybe minutes, maybe forever. It feels like an eternity. 

By the end, Simon can’t breathe, can’t even see anything, dots swimming in front of his eyes. His back is on fire, actual, burning flames dancing on his skin. 

Davy leaves him there without another word, and Simon is left to pick himself up. 

_ Get up.  _

He needs to get up, needs to wash the blood away, needs to put ice on his entire body. Moving seems impossible, the ensuite so far. 

He can’t move. It’s impossible. 

He wishes Penny was here. 

_ Get up, Simon, come on. Get up.  _

Maybe he won’t, maybe he’ll simply pass out where he is. 

But no, he can’t do that. He knows if he doesn’t clean himself up right now, tomorrow will be worse. 

_ Get up. Get up. Get up. Get up. _

It takes every bit of energy Simon has left to do it. His legs won’t cooperate, even his stupid knees are shaking. He leans against the wall for leverage, his vision swimming so much that he has nausea. 

_ Nausea is a symptom of concussion.  _ That sounds like Penny.  _ Christ _ . 

Making it to the bathroom it’s an herculean effort, a bit of dragging himself and a bit or stumbling his way there. Once he’s in, he locks the door behind himself, so at least Davy won’t bother him again. 

He doesn’t want to look at the mirror, but he needs to check if Davy left any marks on his face. 

“Well, fuck.” he says. Davy really did a number on him tonight. 

_ Christ.  _

_ Focus, Simon. _

His entire body is a canvas of blues and purples and reds. His back got the worst of it, what with the belt and everything, and there’s blood trickling down his sides from a couple of open gashes. The angry, red marks from the belt are very much obvious and visible. 

Simon can’t breathe. 

He leans over the sink. 

_ You’re not worth the air you breathe.  _

That’s convenient, because he can’t breathe any air anyway. 

A sob makes it past his lips, and it’s deafening in the silence of the bathroom. He can’t do this. He can’t . 

_ Fuck. Fuck, shit, fucking fuck.  _

“Get in the water, Simon.” He tells himself, looking at his own eyes in the mirror. “The tub. Focus, Simon.” 

_ Yes, the tub is good.  _

He opens the water, freezing cold. There’s a mini fridge close to the shower, where he keeps food, and drinks and most importantly,  _ ice.  _ There are bunch of bags of ice, and Simon opens them with shaking fingers, dropping the cubes in the water. 

He think he might have a couple of broken ribs or something, because really, breathing shouldn’t hurt this much. Maybe his right shoulder, the one that Davy broke a while go, is fucked up again. 

“Fuck- okay, fuck-

Simon doesn’t even try to take off his socks or pants, just removes the trousers and gets in. The water stings on his burning skin. But it’s good. It does help a bit with the pain. He’s still shaking, but now he can blame it on the water, at least. 

Simon stays in the tub until the water feels warm on his body. Time to get out. 

Again, it’s another struggle to make it back into his bedroom. He locks the door, grabs a bottle of vodka from his closet, a couple of painkillers and swallows the pain away. 

**PENNY**

Simon dropped off the face of the world three days ago and Penny is worried. 

He isn’t answering his phone, isn’t replying to texts, on any social media. Penny even sent him an email.

So yes, she’s worried for his best friend. The only option left is to go to his house. The Snows’ house is in Kensington. Penny, Agatha and Shepard’s families all have houses there, mansions, really. Baz’s family house, Pitch Manor, is also in the same area. 

It’s a short walk to Simon’s house. When she gets there, he doesn’t see Davy’s car anywhere, which is good. 

Davy refuses to hire any housekeepers, except for on lady that cleans the house twice a week. He’s paranoid like that. 

Today the maid is in, and she opens the door to Penny with a smile.

“Hi, Liza, is Simon home?”

“I believe he’s in his room, Miss Bunce.” 

“Thank you.” Penny smiles at her, and climbs the stairs to Simon’s room. He knocks on the door, but there’s no answer. 

“Simon? It’s Penny, open up.” She yells, knocking again. There’s a moment of silence, and Penny hears some shuffling behind the door, followed by a minute of swearing, and then Simon unlocks the door. 

He looks like absolute  _ shit. _

“Jesus fucking Christ, Simon, what happened to you?” He’s got a black eye and a couple of cuts on his face, a big bruise on his cheek, hood pulled up over the bronze curls. His blue eyes, always full of life, are tired and glassy. But Simon smiles at her. He’s got a split lip too. 

“I’m okay, Pen.”

“Did you pick a fight with Baz again?” 

“Uh, no- it’s nothing, don’t worry.” 

“Simon, I always worry. It’s like, my job. You get into a mess and I worry.” He looks sheepish, sitting on the bed. 

“Sorry.” He mumbles. 

“That’s not what I meant.” Penny says, trying to sound a bit more gentle. Simon looks like he could use gentle. She goes to sit down beside him and takes his hand. “What happened?” 

Simon looks away. Penny is not an idiot, as a matter of fact, she is very intelligent. She knows what happens behind closed doors in this house, away from prying eyes. 

“Was it him?” It’s quiet, but Simon acts as if she just yelled, snapping his head toward her, on his feet in a second. 

“Penny-

“It was, wasn’t it?” She’s getting angry. It’s always like this with Simon. “Let me see.” 

Simon shakes his head, eyes filling with tears. It must be really bad, worse than usual. 

Penny stands up as well, walking up to her best friend. 

“Simon, it’s okay now. You’re okay now.” He shakes his head again, shaking like a leaf under her fingers. He’s slipping, and she needs to pull him back right now, she can’t have Simon getting lost in his head. 

Penny always thought that Simon’s head must be a terrible place to get lost in. 

“Simon, Si, look at me,  _ Simon.”  _ Simon’s eyes look up into her. “Good, stay with me, Simon.” He nods.

“Sorry, I’m sorry.” 

“Nothing to be sorry for, dummy. Let’s sit down, okay? Let me take a look and maybe you can tell me what happened, okay?” 

“I don’t- I don’t think-   
“You’re not here to think, Simon. You’re here to talk. So, talk.” They sit back on the bed, and Penny doesn’t miss Simon’s eyes flying to the half-empty bottle of vodka on his bedside table. 

_ Jesus, Simon. _

Penny has to help Simon out of his sweatshirt, because his shoulder hurts too much apparently.

“Is it the same one that he dislocated the last time?” He only nods, and Penny sighs. Of course it is. 

His back and chest are a total disaster. It’s so bad that Penny needs to take a deep breathe to not start crying immediately. She needs to stay strong for Simon, who looks like he’s about to fall apart as well. 

“Simon-

“Please don’t.” 

Penny nods. Right. No talking then. 

“Tell me what hurts.” She says. She can do this, they can do this. They’ve got this. Simon sighs, running one hand through his hair. There’s blood in his hair. There’s fucking blood in his hair. “Christ, fuck- why didn’t you call me?” He shrugs. One of those days then. Understandable. 

“My ribs.” he says in the end. “Left wrist, just- legs, I don’t- I don’t know- a bit of everything.” Penny nods. She makes a list. 

_ Right shoulder. _

_ Left wrist. _

_ Ribs.  _

_ Legs? _

She gets down to work. Luckily, one of her aunts is a nurse, and Penny has picked up more than a few tricks during the years. Being friends with Simon is also like that. 

“Your shoulder seems fine. I would say sprained wrist, did you put ice on it?” He nods, looking away.

“Took a bath in it.” 

“You took a bath in  _ ice?”  _ She didn’t mean for her voice to come out as squeaky as it did, but she couldn’t help it. 

“Easier. Faster.” Penny nods. Right. Of course.  _ Faster _ . 

“Right. I think- I’m guessing a couple of cracked ribs. You legs seem fine to me, just- bruised.” Simon nods. 

“Thanks.” 

“No problem.” They sit in silence for a minute, Penny takes his hand again and Simon lets her, leaning a bit on her shoulder. 

“Tell me what happened?” She asks after a while. Simon has his eyes closed. He shakes his head. “You need to talk about these things, Simon, you know that. You can’t keep avoiding it.” 

“Sure can.”

“It’s not healthy, Si.” That makes Simon snort. 

“Nothin’ ‘bout this is healthy, Pen.” 

He got her there. 

“Still. I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what’s wrong.” 

It’s not the first time they’ve had this conversation. After all, they’ve known each other for years, and Penny has always been at his side, in the good and in the bed. 

“He’s my- he’s done a lot for me.” It’s barely a whisper, Simon is shaking. “I don’t- i can’t- 

“Simon, breathe. You need to breathe.” Simon shuts up, breathing rapidly. “Look, you don’t have to tell me now, you don’t have to tell me at all, just-  _ talk with someone.  _ Preferably the police.” 

“I can’t. I can’t do it. He’s- he’s-

Penny’s heart breaks. He wants to scream that no, Davy isn’t Simon’s father, because a father would never do this to their child. But it isn’t so easy.

Penny doesn’t know much about Simon’s life before Davy. She knows he was in foster-care, but that’s it. She doesn't know how bad it was, can’t even begin to imagine what Simon went through. She doesn’t understand how Simon feels towards Davy, how the good parts and bad parts interact with each other in Simon’s head. She only knows that every time Davy hurts him, Simon always forgives him. 

“Simon?”

“I’m okay. I’m okay, it’s okay, I promise.” Penny doesn’t know which one of them he’s trying to convince. Possibly both. Penny isn’t convinced in the slightest. 

“Alright, yeah. Okay. Want to come over to my house?” Simon nods. 

“Yeah, yeah, that’s- thanks.” 

“Of course, Si. We can call Agatha and Shep and make a day out of it. How does that sound?” Simon’s smile is a bit less forced, and a bit brighter. 

“Sounds amazing.” 

“Let’s go then.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are always appreciated!  
> Warnings:  
> -Drinking as coping mechanism  
> -Simon is a Mess (TM)  
> -Child abuse


	3. Painkillers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What's up kiddos, welcome back to a new chapter!  
> This one begins with Baz's POV from the last chapter, and then slides to a week later after the gala. I just wanted to mention this because I'm shit at keeping track of what happens when, so that's that.  
> Anyway, please read the warnings at the end, though this is a pretty chill chapter.  
> Comments and kudos are always appreciated! 
> 
> Song: Painkillers by Ruel

_ [ _ _ To keep me from _

_ Heartbreaks, headaches _

_ The doctor says I'm diagnosed with _

_ Shit days, mistakes _

_ But I'll be fine (fine) _

_ But I'll be fine _

_ 'Cause you're my painkiller _ _ ] _

**BAZ**

Well, tonight was weird. Baz watches Simon Snow leave the room, stumbling on his feet, drunk and looking scared, which is weird for someone who is only going home. It leaves Baz buzzing with the liquor they drunk, fingers itching for more. 

Snow was beautiful tonight -Snow is always beautiful, but today especially so. There was an edge to his brightness. Baz can’t quite put his fingers on it, and it frustrates him to no end. 

_ Fucking Snow _ . 

He goes back to the window and smokes another cigarette, then heads back downstair. The party is dying down, not many people are left. He spots Dev and Niall among the remaining guests.

“Hey, Baz. Where did you disappear to?” Dev asks. He’s a bit drunk. Baz smiles at him.

“I was with Snow _.”  _ He whispers, conspiratorially. Niall barks out a laugh. 

“ _ Simon Snow?”  _

“Yes.” Baz answers, smirking. Dev is staring at him as if he’s gone crazy. That’s understandable. Snow literally punched him less than two weeks ago. 

“Did you kill him?” Dev asks and he looks so serious that Baz has to laugh. 

“Fuck no. What would I do without him? Every villain needs a hero, there’s not point in it otherwise.” 

“You stole that from Megamind.” Dev comments. 

“I can’t even  _ begin  _ to express how gay that was, Baz. Peak queer culture.” Niall is laughing now, so hard that he spills a bit of his drink. 

“Well, if you hadn’t noticed, I am, in fact, very much gay.” 

“I’m not sure how anyone could ever miss it.” Dev retorts. “Anyway, pray tell. If you didn’t kill Snow, and he hasn’t killed you, what happened?”

“We...talked?” 

“Is that a question?”

“No, I mean- it was a bit weird, I guess. He was drunk, and so was I, and he kept laughing so I just kept talking.” 

“How romantic. He thinks you’re funny.” Baz is going to blame the blush on all the alcohol he’s drunk tonight. 

“Unlike you, Niall.” 

“And? What else, Baz?”

“Nothing else. That’s it.” 

“Let me get this straight.” Dev begins. “You had drinks with Snow, Simon Snow,  _ that  _ Snow, and talked with him for two hours?” Baz nods. 

“Correct.” Dev and Niall exchange a look. 

“So fucking weird.” 

“Absolutely.” 

“Enough of this. Drinks, boys?” Dev and Niall nod, and Baz leads them outside. 

“What are we thinking?” 

“Heaven is always good.” 

“Deal.”

**

The week after the gala is going rather smoothly. The after party at Heaven was fun. Snow wasn’t there, which means that nobody punched Baz. There were no embarrassing picture of him on the internet next morning, although there was a rather ugly one of Dev, caught second before he threw up, right outside the club. 

_ Marvelous _ . 

“Guys!” Dev yells from his bed. Baz looks up from his book, to gaze at him.

“Could you be more obnoxious?” Baz wonders, annoyance dripping from his voice. 

“Agatha texted me!” Baz gives him his trademark raised brow.

“Do you want me to organize the wedding? Why are you still yelling?” 

“What did she say?” Niall asks, ever the nice one. 

“Well, she just replied to my story with an emoji, really. Should I reply? What do I say?” 

“Just be funny, I guess. Girls like that.” 

“Baz, no offence, but what do you know of what girls like?” 

“Because I know everything.” 

“I mean, he’s not wrong. Girls like funny guys.” 

“I’ll come up with something.” 

Baz closes his book then, dropping on his bed. Niall looks like he needs a drink.

“Tonight?” He asks. Niall has his phone in hand in half a second.

“Heaven. Agatha told me they’re going there.” Dev answers before Niall can say anything.

“Maybe give the girl some space?” 

“Absolutely not, Niall. She loves me.”   
“She replied to  _ one  _ Instagram story.” 

“What can I say? It was love at first sight.”

“Gross. Anyway, Heaven is fine by me, Baz?”

“Sure.” 

***

Heaven is loud and packed as per usual. The waiter guides them to their table, which is right beside Snow’s. Obviously. 

“Hey guys!” Wellbelove’s voice is high, piercing even with the loud music. She kisses Dev’s cheek and he looks completely flustered. Baz takes a pic and shows it to Niall. 

“Tonight is going to be a long one.” Niall yells in his ear, as they watch Wellbelove and Dev play around each other. “Better start drinking.” 

Baz pulls his eyes away from the couple and finally looks over at Snow, only to find that the blond is already staring at him. Baz nods to him, keeping any mean remark for himself. 

After what happened at the gala maybe he’ll try to be civil. Snow already looks rough. 

He’s wearing a simple black shirt and dark, ripped jeans, all messy hair and bright eyes.

Stupid Simon Snow.

Then the worst possible thing happens. 

Dev, stupid Dev, decides he wants to sit with Wellbelove. Which means that also Niall and Baz end up around the same table with the rest of Snow’s gang. Which means that Baz is sitting right next to Snow. Which means that Baz can smell Snow’s cologne, because he’s very close.  _ Too close. _

If Snow smiles at him one more time, Baz will die tonight. 

He’s got Niall on his other side, thank fuck, and he turns to his best friend. 

“Let’s go dance.” He says, eyes begging. Niall smiles, taking pity on him. 

“Fine, let’s go.” Niall concedes, and Baz quickly drags him on the dancefloor. 

“I’m going to die.” Baz says, fingers itching for a smoke. “Dev is trying to kill me.”   
“I’m sure it’s nothing personal.” Niall says, but his eyes are already past Baz’s head. He turns, and follows Niall’s gaze over to a pretty redhead girl, who is also staring at Niall.

“You can’t do this to me, Niall. Don’t you dare.” Niall pats his shoulder, moving past him. 

“You’ll be fine. Just ignore him. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need a distraction.” 

“I have terrible friends.” Baz says, but Niall is already gone, smiling at the redhead. 

Baz makes his way back to the table, so he can at least get his cigarettes and go smoke. 

“Already back?” Snow asks. He’s alone at the table.

“Where are the others?”   
“Agatha and Dev went dancing, Penny and Shep are getting drinks.” 

“Good for them.” Baz says, grabbing his jacket.

“Where are you going?” 

“Smoke break.” 

“Wait, I’ll come with you.” Baz glares at him.

“Why?”

“Because I want to. Got anything to say about it?” 

Baz has about a hundred things to say about it, but he’s also a weak man. So he shakes his head, gesturing for Snow to follow. 

Together they make their way past the bar, where Bunce and Shepard are making out in a corner. 

“I’ll never be able to unsee that, wow.” Snow remarks, ripping a chuckle out of Baz.

“Because you didn’t see Niall hitting on a girl, earlier.” The club has a smoking area, so that’s where they end up in. 

It doesn’t smell great, but it’ll just be a minute. 

“Want one?” Baz offers.

“Got my own, thanks.” 

“What happens to the Golden Boy everybody knows and love?”

“He’s tipsy.” Snow replies easily, a smile playing on his lips. Baz huffs a laugh, bringing the cigarette to his lips and watching Snow do the same. It’s entirely too enticing. Baz has to look away. 

“What happened to you face?” Baz asks in the end, breaking the silence. Snow has a big bruise on his cheek, and he can see more peeking from under the collar of his shirt. 

Snow shrugs, throwing the butt of the cigarette in a nearby bin. 

“That’s not an answer.” Baz says, trying to keep the softness out of his voice. Baz knows Snow has always been shit with words. It’s why he’s such a good friend with Bunce, because she can talk for hours without getting bored. 

“Got into a fight.” Snow says in the end.

“As usual.” 

“I’m fine, thanks for asking.” 

“I wasn’t worried.” Baz says, quickly. The corner of Snow’s mouth quirks up. 

“Sure.” He says. Baz wishes the floor would open and swallow him. If Snow keeps looking at him like that, Baz might just have to kiss him. 

_ That  _ would be awkward to explain to Malcolm. 

“You wanna go dance?” Snow asks, and Baz’s stomach drops to the floor. 

_ I have died. I have died and gone to Hell. I am in Hell. _

“I was getting bored anyway.” 

**SIMON** **  
** Baz is looking good tonight. Not that he usually looks bad. He just looks good.

He told Penny as much when they ended up sitting together. 

Now they’re dancing, and Simon can’t keep his eyes away from him. 

In the end he has to. He needs to find Penny, because she’s got his painkillers, and Simon’s back is on fire. 

“I need to find Penny.” He yells in Baz’s ear, and Baz gives him bored look.

“She’s right there, idiot.” Baz says, pointing to Penny and Shepard making their way to them, hand in hand. 

“Hey Penny and Shepard.” Simon says cheerfully. Penny blushes. “About damn time.” 

“Shut up, Simon.” She says, but she is smiling and so is Shepard. 

“Never. Penny?” He doesn’t even to ask, she just sighs, taking Shepard’s glass and handing to Simon. He takes it, along with the painkiller Penny hands him. He swallows everything down, and turns to find Baz looking murderous. 

“Baz?” Penny also seems to have noticed. “Something wrong?”

“What the fuck was that?” He asks, voice calm and eyes cold. 

“Painkillers.” Simon replies, suddenly feeling very much self-conscious. He doesn’t like the way Baz is looking at him. His eyes are so intense. “Baz?” 

But Baz doesn’t have time to reply, because then Niall and Dev break up their little circle, holding a crying Agatha. 

Simon’s brain zeroes on Agatha, and the tears falling from her eyes, makeup melting with them. He pushes Dev and Niall away, and she all but falls in his arms. 

“Christ, Aggie.” 

“Agatha, what happened?” Penny asks, voice soothing, petting her hair. Simon turns to glare at Dev, holding Agatha closer to her chest.

“What the fuck did you do to her?” 

“Calm the fuck down, Snow, we didn’t do anything!” 

**PENNY**

Simon is about to explode. She can see it in the tense line of his jaw and shoulders, arms set protectively around Agatha’s tiny frame. 

She’s shaking, but at least she's not crying anymore. 

Penny peels Simon’s arm apart, and pulls her toward herself. 

“Aggie?” She asks, running her fingers through Agatha’s blonde curls. 

Simon grabs Dev’s collar, and pulls him up. 

“What the fuck did you do to her?” He growls, and Dev pushes him back.

“Simon wait!” Agatha’s voice breaks through the chaos of the club, and everyone turns toward her. “Dev saved me, it was another guy.” 

“What happened?” Penny asks again, as nice as she can. As soon as she finds out who this guy is and what he did, Penny will kill him. Unless Simon beats her to it, he’s looking a bit red and splotchy.

“I went to the bathroom, and this guy approached me outside of the door. He- he grabbed me, and kept pulling me and just- I got scared. Dev came to get me and took me away.” She says, voice shaking a little.

“Are you okay?” Penny asks, and she nods, eyes bouncing between Simon and Dev. But Simon turns to Dev again, and sighs.

“Sorry, man.” Dev shakes his head, looking surprised.

“It’s alright, you were just tryin’ to protect her.”

Simon nods and they share some kind of look. 

Boys are weird. 

“He called me fat.” Agatha suddenly whispers in Penny’s ear, too quiet for any of the boys to hear. Penny’s stomach drops. 

“Aggie, he was an idiot. Don’t listen to him.” She nods, but also looks away, so Penny promises herself to keep an eye on Agatha. 

“We should go.” Shepard says, and everyone agrees. Agatha pulls away from Penny, looking over at Dev. Penny sees Dev smiling softly at her. 

Well, that’s new. 

He takes Shepard and Agatha’s hands and pulls them both through the crowd, Simon and the rest of the boys following. 

Once they’re outside they stand in a circle, none of them ready to say goodbye just yet.

Penny sees Agatha and Dev staring at each other, hand in hand, and well as Baz and Simon sneaking glances at each other when the other isn’t looking.

_ Boys are so stupid. _

She, instead, looks over at Shepard, giving him what she hopes is a reassuring smile. 

“Someone’s hungry?” Penny ends up saying, breaking the silence. “Baz’s place?” 

“Why my place?” 

“Because I said so.” Penny retorts, and Baz gives her one of his sneers. 

“Alright, then. Meet us there.” 

**SIMON**

Pitch Manor is so gloomy at night. 

“I bet this place has ghosts.” He says once the car drops them at the gates. 

“It looks haunted.” Shep agrees. 

Baz, Dev and Niall are waiting for them at the entrance, smoking. 

“Let’s go then.” Baz says, throwing his cigarette on the ground. 

Baz guides them through a labyrinth of hallways and doors, finally opening a door on the second floor. 

Simon is expecting Baz’s room, what he receives is a fucking  _ apartment.  _

Baz’s room is huge. There are three double beds, a couch in front of a huge tv set on a desk, and Simon can see a  _ kitchen  _ through an archway, along with a round table and chairs. 

“Christ, Baz.” Simon says.

“I didn’t know you all slept together.” Penny comments. She’s still holding Agatha’s hand. 

“Daphne says we’re codependent.” Niall answers, earning a glare from both Baz and Dev. It makes Simon laugh for some reason. 

“ _ Anyway.”  _ Baz interrupts. “Let’s see what’s in the kitchen.” Agatha, Dev and Niall sit on the couch, and Simon makes himself comfortable on the floor with Penny and Shepard. Baz comes back a minute later with his arms full of chips and popcorn bags, candies and other snacks.

“Snow, there are beers in the fridge. Go get them.” Simon nods, bringing back the bottles, and sitting back down. He ends up close to Baz again. 

Baz opens a pack of chips, Niall grabs himself and Dev a beer and Simon does the same. 

“So that was quite the party.” Niall says, after a few minutes of uncomfortable silence. 

“I’ll drink to that, mate.” Dev and Niall clicks their bottles together, and then Dev leans back in the couch, one arm around Agatha’s shoulders. 

She looks okay. There’s a bit of melted makeup under her eyes, but she isn’t crying or shaking anymore.    
Simon swears to himself that if he finds the guy he’ll kill him. 

“Anybody wants to play Mario Kart?” Dev asks after some more silence, and both Simon and Shepard nods. 

“Why not?” Shep responds, and just like that they’re racing for the first place. 

Shep ends up winning, and they exchange controllers with Penny, Agatha and Dev so they call all play. 

Simon smiles to himself, watching Agatha and Penny laugh, fighting Dev and Niall for the first place, the room filling with their laugh and jokes as they throw snippy remarks to each other. 

“Oh, Dev, I’m going to  _ end  _ you. You screwed over the wrong bitch.” Penny almost growls, earning a laugh from everyone in the room. “I’m serious! That was so unfair.” 

“Sorry, sweetie, nothing personal.” Dev says, voice saccharine. Penny gives him a smile so cold that it could freeze Hell. 

“Call me ‘sweetie’ again and I’ll cut your balls off .” Dev isn’t smiling anymore, looking at Shepard.

“Your girlfriend scares me.” Both Simon and Shep bark out a laugh, while Penny looks smug. 

“You should be scared, she set me on fire once.” 

“What does that even mean?” Niall asks.

“It was an accident!” Penny screams, punching Shep on the shoulder. 

“Ow, Penny! See? Told you, she’s violent.” 

“How do you set someone on fire on accident?” Dev asks again, and Simon shakes his head.

“It wasn’t an accident.” He says, looking at his best friend. Penny is glaring at him. 

“I had a stick on fire in my hand, and I turned and bumped in him, and- uhm, his sweatshirt caught fire.” 

“ _ What?”  _

“But it was fine! It was fine, Simon threw it in the water and it was fine. No one was hurt.” 

“My sweatshirt was hurt!” 

“Ever the hero, Snow.” Simon is about to say something back to Baz, but then Agatha talks and Simon has never been happier to hear her voice. She hadn’t said a word since they got back.

“Your sweatshirt was ugly, Shep. It will not be missed.” Agatha is smiling when she speaks, and Shep shuts his mouth closed. 

“Rude, Aggie.” Simon says, knocking their shoulders together. Agatha smiles softly at him, and Simon smiles back.

“Anyway, Dev, you owe me a rematch.” 

“Want to lose again, Bunce?” 

“Oh it’s on, bitch.” Niall and Shepard both join the game, with Agatha sitting beside Dev. 

Simon watches Baz getting up, cigarettes in hand, and he stands up as well, not sure of what he’s doing. 

Baz doesn’t say anything when Simon follows him on the balcony of his room, offering Simon a lighter. 

“Thanks.” Baz nods, taking it back. 

“Tonight was quite the night, wasn’t it?” Simon breaks the silence, looking down the balcony. The window opens on the street side of the house, and Simon can see the lights on the city center far away. 

“Why did you need to take painkillers?” It’s so unexpected that Simon chokes on the smoke a little. 

“What?”

“In the club, Snow. You were taking painkillers like candies.” 

“I only had a couple.” 

“That’s not what I asked, is it?” Simon glares at him. How come he always manages to make Simon feel so inadequate? 

“I was in pain.” He retorts, and Baz only stares at him with a raised brow. “Fine, I got into a fight, and I was- am a bit sore.” 

It’s not entirely a lie. He did get into a fight, he just wasn’t fighting back and he’s much more than ‘a little sore’.

“Who did you get into a fight with?” Simon shrugs, looking away. 

“Why do you care?” Baz smirking.

“I’m a little jealous, I thought I was the only one you were punching.” 

“I hate you.” Simon replies, but he can’t keep the smile off his face. 

“Likewise, Snow.” 

“You’ve got a pretty view from up here.” Simon says, letting his eyes trail over the city skyline. Baz clears his voice, and when Simon looks at him, Baz avoids his eyes. 

_ Weird.  _

“You get used to it.”

“Arse.” 

“Mine? Oh Snow, thanks, I’ve been told it’s gorgeous.” Simon blushes, spluttering. 

“I- I’m-

“Oh, calm down, Snow. It was just a joke, too bad you’re too heterosexual to find it funny.” 

“I- what? I’m not- I’m not straight?” It comes out as a question, but Baz barely notices, looking at Simon with wide eyes.

“Since when?” Baz asks, coolness back on his face. Simon’s face is still burning hot. 

“Uhm- just- I was, like- sixteen, maybe?” 

“And what are you, if not straight?” Oh, good, that’s easy. One syllable, one syllable is easy. 

“Bi.” Simon replies. He buries his hands in his pockets, looking at anything but Baz. 

Simon knows Baz is gay, he came out years ago, but Simon never did. He only told his friends. And Davy just found out by himself, as he always does. 

And now Baz. 

It feels important, for some reason. 

“I didn’t know.” Baz’s voice cuts through the storm of thoughts piling up in Simon’s head. 

“I didn’t tell many people.” 

Why did he tell Baz? Baz is not his friend. 

But what is Baz going to do anyway? Tell Davy? He already knows anyway. 

He’s worrying for nothing.

Also, he thinks Baz wouldn’t tell anyone if Simon asked him to. He doesn’t though. He really doesn’t care if five people of five thousand know.

He looks back at Baz, who is staring at him with his piercing grey eyes. It feels as if Baz is reading straight into his soul, which Simon doesn’t appreciate 

“We should head back in.” Simon says, after several minutes of staring. Baz nods, slowly. He’s still looking at him like Simon is a puzzle he can’t solve. It makes Simon want to run away. 

“You go ahead, Snow.” Baz answers, extracting another cigarette from his packet. 

Simon leaves him there, and walks back in the room. The others are still playing Mario Kart but Agatha and Penny aren’t there. 

He sits down next to Shepard, and he passes Simon the fourth controller. 

“Where are the girls?” He whispers.

“Bathroom.” Shepard answers, eyes flying to the bathroom door. “Agatha was upset.”

“Why?”

“I think because of earlier, you know? But Penny is with her.” 

“I’ll talk to her later.” 

“Snow, where did you leave my cousin?” Dev asks, and Simon gestures towards the balcony.

“He’s still smoking.” 

“He’ll get lung cancer. Niall, go get him.” 

“Why me? You do it.”    
“Because you’re shit at the game anyway. Go. Boys, prepare to be destroyed.”

“I don’t think so, man.” Shepard replies, grinning. Simon smiles to himself, eyes following Niall as he gets up and leaves the room.

**BAZ**

“Baz, you here?” 

“Niall, I’ve received terrible news. Very bad, horrible news.” 

“Such as?” Niall grabs a cigarette from Baz’s packet, but he’s too busy to even glare at him.

“Simon Snow just told me he’s bi.” 

“He did what?”

“He told me he’s bi. Bi, as into both girls and boys.” 

“Why are you mad? It’s good news! Maybe you do have a chance, after all.” 

“Oh sweet Niall. You poor idiot, don’t you understand that this is very  _ very  _ bad?”

“But  _ why?”  _

“Because I always thought Snow was straight, which meant that mine was an harmless crush-

“I wouldn’t say  _ harmless- _

_ “ _ -but now, I just keep thinking, there’s a chance he might like me back-

“-he did punch you a few times-

“-which is absolutely  _ ridiculous _ ! There’s no way in Hell Snow will ever like me back. He just made my life infinitely shittier. Now I’ll just torture myself with these impossible thoughts for the rest of my life.”

“Baz, you’re being overdramatic for no reason. Nothing changed.” 

“ _ Everything  _ changed, Niall, you dumb fuck.”

“Wow, that was unnecessary-

“Why did he even tell me? There was no reason for him to tell me. He said only his friends know.”

“That’s your answer, then, you cretin.”

“Don’t call me cretin.” Baz growls, but Niall is looking absolutely triumphant, and Baz clearly missed something. “Explain.” 

“We really need to work on your self-esteem, Baz.”

“My self-esteem is fine, thank you very much. Talk.”

“Christ Baz, it’s obvious. If he only told his friends, and now he told you, he clearly considers you a friend.” 

“That’s impossible. Snow hates me.” 

“Then why would he tell you?”

“I don’t know!” 

“Exactly. Stop being an arse and start being nice to him.” 

“That’s also impossible.”

“Well, try to be less of a bitch at least.” Baz doesn’t answer immediately. 

“Why did he have to go and destroy the delicate balance of my life?”

“You’re so extra, I’ve had enough. Let’s go back in, come on.” 

“Fine.” Baz grumbles. 

As soon as they step inside the room again, Snow turns to look at them, locking eyes with Baz. Then he smiles.

It’s small really, a tiny, precious thing that makes Baz’s heart flutter and jump around. 

Goddamn.

He’s so  _ fucked _ . 

**PENNY**

Agatha is staring at herself in the mirror, focused.

“Agatha, stop.” Agatha ignores her, which Penny hates. She tries to stay calm. Breathe in, then out. 

“Agatha, look at me.” Finally her eyes meet Penny’s. “Don’t listen to that guy. He was a jerk.” 

“I don’t know why I’m getting so stuck on it.” Agatha murmurs. 

“Yes, you do.”

“But it’s not fair. Guys hit on me all the time, and I never cared about them.” 

“It’s because of what he said, and you know that.” Agatha is gripping the edge of the sink so tightly that her knuckles are turning white. 

“I’m not going to do it again, Penny.” 

“I know.”

“So go.”   
“I’m fine right here, thanks.” Penny crosses her arms over her chest, staring hard at Agatha. Agatha takes a couple of deep breathes, looking back at the mirror. 

“Thanks.” She says quietly. “For staying.” 

Penny wishes he could rip the tongue out of that guy’s mouth. 

“I’m your best friend, where would I go?” 

Agatha nods, smiling. 

“Are you okay, Aggie?” 

“Yes, yes. I think I am. He was an idiot, I’m not going to stick a finger in my throat anytime soon. Let’s go back to the boys, I need a distraction.” 

“When you say distraction, do you mean Dev?” 

“Maybe.” Agatha smiles, undoing her ponytail and letting her blonde hair fall back on her shoulders.

“I think he likes you.” 

“Unsurprising.” 

“ _ Properly _ like you.” Agatha blushes, looking down and then back at Penny. She’s smiling a little. 

“He’s cute.”

“He’s alright.”

“I saw you with Shep, earlier. You didn’t tell me about that.” Penny laughs, blushing. 

“It was- I wasn’t expecting it.” 

“How couldn’t you expect that? He’s been in love with you since he moved here!” 

“I wouldn’t say he’s  _ in love  _ with me-

“Right. You should talk to him.”    
“I will, tomorrow.” 

“Do you like him?” Penny blinks. 

“I think I do. He’s- he’s very different from Micah.” 

“And thank God for that.” Agatha takes her hand, smiling, and Penny smiles back, huffing a laugh. 

“I do like Shep. He makes me laugh a lot, he’s a good guy.” 

“Good. Let’s go now.” Penny nods, following her head. She stops before Agatha can open the door.

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Yes, I am. I just- I’ve worked too hard to let a guy ruin everything with a comment like that.” 

“Good. Let’s go.” 

Agatha opens the door with a small smile of her face. 

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are always appreciated!  
> Warnings:  
> -Drinking  
> -Painkillers  
> -Mentions of eating disorders (Anorexia and Bulimia), not explict though


	4. Take yourself home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What's up kids? Welcome to another chapter.  
> Someone suggested that I put the Warnings at the top, so I'll do that, as always be careful and stay safe!
> 
> Song: Take yourself home by Troye Sivan
> 
> Warnings:  
> -Drinking  
> -Non con (Simon/other) (kissing)  
> -Mentions of child abuse  
> -Mentions of drugs  
> -Lots of swearing  
> -There's some smut at the end

[ _ Who you really tryna be when they see your face? _

_ Is it worth it tryna win in a losing game? _

_ Well, it's all waiting for you _

_ And boy, I know you're eager _

_ But it just might destroy you _

_ Destroy you, yeah] _

**SIMON**

Simon wakes up on the floor of Agatha’s room. Agatha is sitting on an armchair, scrolling through her phone, while Penny and Shepard are still sleeping in Agatha’s bed.

Simon’s entire body is in pain. Sleeping on the floor while covered in bruises might not have been his brightest idea. 

“Aggie?” 

“Oh, good, you’re awake. I was getting bored.” She says, standing up. She makes her way to Simon, and holds out her hand. Simon takes it, getting up. “Are you hungry? 

“Always.” Simon answers, voice still groggy with sleep. 

Agatha leads him in the kitchen, where Simon finds the table already set and covered with food.

“Agatha, you’re amazing.”

“As if I cooked it. Maria did.” 

Maria was Agatha’s nanny when she was little, and now she’s more of a personal maid. Mostly, she makes sure Agatha eats when her parents are away, which is very often. 

“Thank her for me, later.” Agatha nods, pouring herself some orange juice. “How are you?” 

“I’m okay. Really.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, Si. Penny already asked me several times last night.” Agatha gives him one of her pretty, delicate smiles, blonde hair hiding part of her face as she looks up at him from behind her eyelashes. Simon smiles back, looking down at his phone, and finding a couple of messages from Davy.

_ Fuck.  _

“Uh, I have to go.” 

“Already? But it’s so early.” 

“I know, Davy wants me home, though. Sorry, Aggie.” Simon stands up, leaning down to kiss her cheek. “Say bye to Penny and Shep.” 

“They’re probably fucking right now.” It rips a chuckle out of him, even with all the tension knotting his insides together. 

“Gross, Aggie.”

“Text me later.” She says and Simon makes his way out of the house. Thank God last night they took off their shoes right after entering, or he would have had to go back in Agatha’s room where his clothes from last night are and where Shep and Penny are currently shagging if Agatha is to be believed. As it is, he’s wearing an old hoodie and sweats he left here when they were dating. 

He runs down the street to his house, fumbling to open the gate and the door. 

Davy is sitting on the couch, scrolling on his tablet. 

“Simon?” He walks over in the living room, stopping at the side of the couch. 

“Yes, sir.” Simon straightens his back, wishing he was in more presentable. Davy hates when Simon looks disheveled, which is always.    
“You’re late.” It makes Simon’s blood freeze.

“I’m sorry, sir. I was at Agatha’s.” Davy always like Agatha, it was part of the reason Simon dated her. Agatha is perfection, she’s exactly what Davy wanted, and the opposite of what Simon needed. 

“It’s not a problem. I have good news.” Simon doesn’t say anything, still staring at the floor. “I’m sure you remember Mr. Harth?” 

Simon is frozen. 

_ Focus, Simon.  _

“Yes, sir.” He chokes out, clenching his fists. 

“And I’m sure you remember how badly you messed up the easy task I gave you regarding Mr. Harth.” Simon nods numbly. He doesn’t like where this is going, not one bit. 

“Sorry, sir.” 

“I may have been a bit too hard on your punishment, the other day. After all I didn’t even give you the opportunity to fix your mistake.” 

“‘s alright.” Simon murmurs.

“Nonsense. But don’t worry, Simon. I arranged a meeting for you and Mr. Harth, so that you can clean up the mess you’ve made.”

Simon is going to be sick. This can’t be happening. 

“Sir?” 

“Yes, Mr. Harth was quite disappointed the other day, and I told you it was your specific job to make him happy, so that’s exactly what you’re going to do.” 

“Sir-

“It’s decided, Simon. Be ready at nine.” Simon nods again, and Davy waves him away, so Simon walks upstairs and locks himself in his room. He stays holed up there until he hears Davy’s car leave, a few hours after lunchtime, that Simon skipped. He really wanted to avoid Davy. 

He checks if the house is actually empty, and at that point he goes in the backyard. 

Backayard is a bit reductive. Davy’s house isn’t the biggest in the neighborhood, but it has the biggest garden by far. It’s basically a park. It was always Simon’s favourite place. 

At the end of the park, where the tree are closer and fuller, there’s a small depandance, where Ebb lives. Ebb is their gardner, the only other employ beside Liza. 

Simon loves Ebb. 

He knocks on her door and she opens immediately, big smile on her face. 

“Simon, love! Oh so good to see you, baby.” 

“I was here yesterday.” Simon says, huffing a laugh. Ebb fusses over him for a few minutes, and Simon lets her. He likes being fussed over, it means she cares. 

She pulls him inside, and makes him sit at the round table at the center of the room.

Her house (which is technically Davy’s, but details) isn’t big: an open space with the kitchen and the couch, and then her bedroom, separated by a thin wall. It’s cozy, and homey and warm. Simon loves it here. Davy’s house never felt like a proper home. 

“Are you hungry, love?” She asks, already getting scones and biscuits out of the pantry before he can even answer. She starts making some tea, and sits beside him. He’s starving. 

“How are you, love?” She asks, playing with a strand of blonde hair. She’s got dirt on her face. 

“Been better.” Simon murmurs, and Ebb gives him a soft smile, cupping his cheek. The cuts from last week are healed, on his face at least. His back and chest are still a canvas of colors. 

“Talk to me?” Simon shakes his head, stuffing his mouth to avoid talking, and Ebb doesn’t press further. She never does. She never asks Simon to talk when he can’t, when the words don’t make sense in his head. 

She talks instead.

She tells Simon about what flowers are blooming these days:  orchids, almost all the varieties are in season now, delphinium, lilies, hydrangeas. And then she talks about what the flowers mean, and then she shows him and Simon lets the colors and the smells envelop him. 

At some point she stops talking, and they sit down on the grass, she sun warm on Simon’s skin. Ebb holds his hand, and pets his hair. It’s good, comforting. 

“Simon?” 

“Mh?” 

“Why don’t you leave?” Simon closes his eyes. It’s not the first time she mentions it. But Simon can’t.

“And leave you here?” He forces a smile, but she sees right through it. 

“Simon, love-

“I can’t, Ebb. You know it. He needs me.” Simon says, and he doesn’t need to look at her to know she’s crying. “I’m sorry, please understand. I can’t leave him.” 

“He’s no good to you.” 

“He took me out of foster care.” 

“I know, I just- I really hate- hate seeing you hurt.” 

“I’m okay, Ebb. Really. I’ll go to college in autumn, and I’ll be okay.” Simon whispers, and she’s properly sobbing now. They sit up and she pulls him into a smothering hug. She smells of freshly cut grass and dirt, and it’s good and familiar. 

“You’ll- you’ll be o-okay, Simon. You’re so s-strong, love.” Simon nods against her shoulder, and lets himself be hugged. 

Some time later she wipes her cheeks with her sleeves, and gives Simon one of her bright smiles. It makes Simon smile back. 

“I have to go, Ebb.” She nods, kisses his temple and lets him go. “Thanks, for the food.”

“Anytime, love.” She says, and Simon knows she’s not talking about the scones. “Love you, Si.” 

“Love you too, Ebb. See you later.” Ebb waves at him, while he walks back to the house. Davy isn’t home yet, which is good. It’s almost seven. He better start getting ready. 

**

Simon is in his room. He ate too much food at dinner, because that’s what he does when he’s nervous. And  _ fuck,  _ he’s so nervous. He paces his room, feeling downright claustrophobic. 

He’s going to be sick.  _ Fuck. _

_ Focus, Simon. _

This can’t be happening. There’s no way. 

He’s calling Penny before he really has time to think about it. 

“ _ Si? What’s up _ ?” He doesn’t answer, the words won’t come out. 

And really, what would he say?  _ Oi Pen, hope your night is good, I’m about to whore myself out because my father told me to and I’m about to have a panic attack. Did you see the last episode of Rick and Morty? _

Yeah, no. 

“ _ Simon? Are you alright? _ ” 

“Yeah.” He manages in the end. “Just- what are you doing?” 

“ _ Oh, nothing really. Talking to Shepard, mostly. Pretending to read a book. _ ” 

“What book?” 

“ _ Uhm, wait- I don’t even know, some idiot book from my summer reading list for uni. It’s not great.” _

“Tell me.” And so Penny talks and Simon lets her voice ground him. 

_ Focus, Simon.  _

He finishes getting ready, putting on a white shirt and some jeans and looks at himself in the mirror and Jesus, he really looks like shit.

“Well, fuck.” He says to himself. 

“ _ What? _ ” Penny asks from the phone.

“Oh, nothing. I’m going out and just- not looking at my finest.” 

“ _ Where are you going?”  _

“Just for drinks with Davy’s colleague.”

“ _ Why?”  _

_ “ _ You know how it is. Just some arse-kissing.” The lie slips out easily, and Simon hates himself  _ so much.  _ He hates lying to Penny, but there’s no possible way he’s telling her any of this. 

No, if he’s lucky, tonight he can drink enough that maybe he won’t even realize it when Harth kisses him.

He might throw up. 

_ Focus, Simon.  _

“Simon, he’s here!” Davy yells at him from downstairs, and Simon shivers.

“Penny I gotta go.” He says, grabbing his wallet and favorite leather jacket. 

“ _ Alright, text me later. See you tomorrow, Si.”  _

“Bye, Pen, love you.” 

“ _ Love you too.”  _ He hangs up and walks downstairs. Davy is waiting for him there, arms crossed on his chest. He fixes the collar of Simon’s shirt, smooths his jacket over his shoulder. Simon is going to throw up. He should have started the drinking in his room. 

“Be good, Simon.” 

“Yes, sir.” 

“And smile.” Simon doesn’t smile when he walks out of the door and climbs into Harth’s Ferrari. 

“Good to see you again, Simon.” Harth’s smile is predatory, to say the least. Simon tries to swallow around the knot in his throat. 

“Likewise.” 

**

Simon is very well past tipsy. He swirls the straw inside the empty glass, and waves at the waiter to bring him another. Harth laughs quietly. 

“Seems like you’re enjoying yourself, Simon.” Simon nods, a couple of times, and smiles. The alcohol makes it so much easier.

Harth has had his hand on Simon’s thigh for the past half hour, but it hasn’t moved anywhere else yet, so Simon can’t really complain. 

“I am. This place has great drinks.” He slurls a bit when he talks, but he doesn’t care. 

“I am pleased.” Harth scoots closer, and Simon still hasn’t gotten his drink. “You look very beautiful tonight.” Simon looks away.

“Thank you. You’re not so bad yourself.” He says quietly. Harth is leaning in. He’s going to kiss him.

_ It’s just a kiss. You’re fine. It’s okay.  _

_ Davy will kill you if you don’t do it.  _

So Simon lets himself be kissed. He lets Harth pull him closer, and run his hands over Simon’s shoulder and sides and ignores the pain shooting through his body when his fingers press over a bruise. He lets himself be kissed and tries to think about anything else. 

It seems to last forever, and by the end of it Simon is ready to go swallow some sanitizer. He feels sick. He feels gross, and used and that was so  _ wrong.  _

Simon’s drink finally arrives, and Simon doesn’t even let himself taste it before chugging it down. If he can’t drink sanitizer, then vodka will suffice.

**

The date goes on for two more hours, in which Harth keeps kissing him and touching him and Simon is ready to call it a night. 

Harth drives him back home. 

“I’ll make sure to tell your father how good you were tonight. And that I’m very excited about working with him in the future elections.” Simon nods. 

He did good, relief washes over him. 

“Thanks. And goodnight.” 

“Goodnight, Simon.” 

Simon has never left a car so fast. He almost runs to the door, unlocking it with shaking hands and letting himself in. He can hear the tv from the living room. 

_ Fuck.  _

He really doesn’t want to talk to Davy, or see his face. He just wants to cry himself to sleep. 

“Simon?” 

“Yes, Sir?” 

“Come here, tell me how it went.” Simon steps in the living room, stand in the doorway. 

“It was good.” He forces out. “He said he’d call you.” 

“So I take it that everything is settled.” 

“Yes, Sir.” 

“Good boy. Feel free to go out with your friends, if you want. It was a good night, go celebrate.” 

“Thanks, Sir.” Davy turns off the tv and and ruffles his hair when he passes by Simon, on the way to his bedroom. 

Simon waits for him to be out of sight, before slumping against the wall. He’s still very much drunk, but not drunk enough that he won’t remember this night. He really, really wishes he could. 

He ends up texting the groupchat and FaceTiming with the others, listening to Penny and Agatha and Shepard talk for a couple of hours until he feels a bit more sober. 

**

_ Simon is running. He’s running through a house, opening one door after the other, the man behind is screaming, yelling at Simon to stop running. _

_ But Simon doesn’t stop, never stops, if he stops the man is going to hurt him.  _

_ He needs to get out of the house, if he can get out then he’ll be safe, but the house is a labyrinth, dark and all the rooms are the same, and Simon is so, so tired of running. He’s been running for so long. _

_ He trips and falls over.  _

_ “You little piece of shit, you think you can steal food from my house?” Simon rolls over and the man is very close now, he grabs Simon’s hair and pulls him on his feet, slapping him across the cheek.  _

_ The man changes. He’s a woman now. Then another man, and then another one, and then another woman again- _

_ Simon is hurting. The person, whoever they are, is still hitting Simon, it doesn’t matter how much Simon begs them to, cries or scream or tries to fight. He’s too weak.  _

_ The face changes one last time, settles on a man with light hair but dark, dark eyes. Simon is crying but no one comes.  _

_ There are hands on his body now, pulling, grabbing, holding, Simon can’t breathe, rough hands ripping, scratching.  _

_ The man smiles.  _

Simon wakes up screaming. 

_ Fuck, fuck, shit, no, God, no- _

He rolls on the side and falls on the floor. He can’t breathe, he can’t see anything. 

_ Focus, Simon.  _

He can feel the person’s hands on his body, hurting, painful, scratching-

_ No. No, that’s not happening. It’s not real.  _

Simon looks around himself, it’s dark, it’s a room, it’s  _ his  _ room-

_ Hands in his hair, on his throat, holding him down, hitting- _

_ “ _ It’s not real.” His voice is shaking, his entire body is shaking. “It’s not real.” He says again. 

Simon throws a punch against the wall and  _ fuck,  _ it hurts, but  _ that  _ pain is real. That’s what’s really happening right now. 

_ Just a nightmare. It was a nightmare. _ _   
_ _ “ _ It wasn’t real.” 

_ Breathe, Simon.  _

_ Focus, Simon. _

It takes him an eternity to get his breathing under control, and even longer for his body to stop shaking. 

He gets up slowly, turning on the lamp on his bedside table. His knuckles are bleeding, unsurprisingly. He did throw a mean punch to the wall, after all. 

He throws a look at the clock, it’s almost three a.m. He even slept more than what he was expecting, after last night. 

He washes the blood out of his hand and falls back on the bed, pushing away the blankets. It’s way too hot. 

He stares at the ceiling and resigns himself to another sleepless night. 

** 

He’s on instagram when he sees Baz’s story, posted only a few minutes ago. Which is weird, because it’s four a.m. 

It’s just a picture of the view from Baz’s room, his burning cigarette also in the shot. 

Maybe it’s because he’s sleep deprived, maybe it’s because he can still taste Harth on his lips, or maybe it’s because he can’t shrug off the remnants of his nightmare, whatever the case is, Simon replies to the story. 

**Simon:** _ you still up? _

**Baz** :  _ It seems so. _

**Simon** :  _ y? _

**Baz** :  _ Your grammar is atrocious  _

**Simon** :  _ sorry. Why? _

**Simon** :  _ better? _

**Baz** :  _ Barely.  _

**Baz** :  _ Couldn’t sleep. You?  _

Simon doesn't really know what to say. He hesitates for a few minutes, trying to come up with an okay answer. 

**Simon:** _ things on my mind _

**Baz:** _ And here I thought you never had a single idea in your entire life.  _

**Simon:** _ i’ve got plenty of ideas _

**Simon:** _ also, it’s too hot to sleep _

Simon has a bad, bad idea. Terrible, really. At the very least, Baz will laugh at him and block him. 

**Simon:** _ i’ve got an idea right now in fact _

**Baz:** _ And what would that idea be, pray tell? _

**Simon:** _ let’s go for a drive _

**Baz:** _ Right now? _

**Simon:** _ you only live once, Baz _

**Baz.** _ But it’s late _

**Simon:** _ so? i can’t sleep anyway _

There’s no reply for a good ten minutes that Simon spends staring at the ceiling, heart racing in his chest. This was a horrible idea. Then his phone vibrates, and Simon almost drops it in his haste to answer. 

**Baz:** _ Okay, I’ll be at your house in fifteen _

**Simon:** _!!! _

Simon sprints out of bed, and changes in a pair of soft, grey sweatpants, and light blue hoodie. He grabs his phone, wallet and cigarettes. 

Now for the hard part, getting out with waking up Davy.

Simon is clumsy by nature, and right now he’s also nervous and excited and scared for many different things. He has his shoes in his hand, to make sure he’s as quiet as possible while he walks downstairs. He turns off the alarm with a shaky hand, and opens the door as silently as possible. He cringes when the door creaks, but there’s no sign of Davy.

He made it. He made it without waking up Davy. 

Once outside he exhales, letting the fresh air cool his burning face. 

Baz arrives a few minutes later in his Porsche, rich bastard that he is. 

His car is a convertible, and he’s got the hood down. 

Simon gapes.

“Are you getting in or not?” Baz glares, but Simon really can’t close his mouth.

“You’re wearing sweats!” 

“What?”

“Sweatpants.” 

“So?”

“I’ve never seen you in them. You only ever wear dress trousers. You don’t even wear jeans.”   
“Of course I wear jeans. You’ve seen me in jeans multiple times. Now, are you getting in or not?” Simon finally nods, and climbs in. 

Baz is also wearing a comfy looking shirt. It’s got black and white stripes. 

But more than anything, his long black hair is not slicked back as usual, framing his face gently. It softens his features a lot. Simon like it better this way, he decides. 

“Where to?” Baz asks.

“I know a spot. Drive, I’ll tell you.” Baz throws him a side glance, but start driving. 

**BAZ**

“It’s beautiful up here.” Simon says once they get there. Wherever there is. “You’ll see.” He’s smiling, and Baz can’t help but smile back. They get out of the car, and Baz forgets how to breathe for a full minute. 

The view is breathtaking. Simon took them on top of a hill, and Baz can see the city lights shining bright in the night sky, throwing a glowing light so far up in the sky that Baz can’t see the stars. Until he does. 

He has to crook his neck all the way back, but the stars are all there, pulsing and glistening. And the moon is also there, of course, looking down at them, cold and distant and so, so beautiful. 

“Simon.” He whispers. “It’s gorgeous.” 

“I knew you’d like it.” When finally Baz manages to stop gawking, he finds that Snow is already looking at him. He’s beautiful too. 

Lovely, and exquisite, and absolutely stunning.

Christ, Baz is so in love. 

Simon lays down on the grass, and pats the ground next to him. 

“I’m not laying down in the dirt, Snow.” 

“Stop being a prat, Baz. C’me here.” And Baz really was never too good at saying no to Simon Snow. 

So he lays down and stares at the sky. 

“How did you even find this place?” 

“Uhm, when I first moved here- I, uh- I didn’t have many friends, so I just- I went exploring. I thought I was like Indiana Jones.” Simon snorts, and Baz has to pinch his own arm, to make sure he doesn’t say something incredibly stupid. 

“It’s a miracle you got any friends at all.” 

That’s a lie, of course. Simon has tons of friends. Everyone wants to be his friend, he’s just like that. Charming, in an awkward, I-don’t-know-how-attractive-I-am kinda way. 

“Rude, Baz. At least I don’t dress like a bloody vampire all the time.” 

“Excuse me?” Simon laughs again, loud and inelegant. 

“But you do look a vampire! Oh my God, Baz.”

“Snow, shut up.” 

“You’re dressing up as one for Halloween.” 

“What makes you think I’ll dress up for Halloween?” 

“I’ll make sure of it.” 

He says like it’s the most obvious thing in the world, but it sends Baz’s mind into a spiral. He’s saying they’ll be spending Halloween together. Or that they’ll see each other once this summer is over. That, somehow, he’s still going to be here by the time Halloween comes around. 

It’s an intoxicating thought. 

“Baz?”

“What?” 

“You were looking- a bit lost, I guess.” Baz cocks up an eyebrow. 

“I just turned off your annoying voice. You’re terribly loud, I can't even hear my own thoughts.” It comes out much harsher than what Baz intended to. Simon looks away.    
“Leave me alone, Baz.” 

“You’re the one that wanted me here.” 

“Well, you can go if you’re just gonna insult me all night.” Snow’s face is red now, and his eyes are hard and so fucking blue. 

Baz is a goddamn idiot. 

They were doing okay, but Baz had to go and fuck it all up as usual. 

_ No, not this time. Stop being such a tosser. _

“I’m sorry.” He says, and maybe it’s the first time he has ever openly apologized to Snow. 

“What?” 

“Don’t make me say it again, Snow. One was more than enough.” Snow’s eyes soften. 

“You wouldn’t have to apologize if you weren’t such a wanker all of the fucking time.”   
“You make it too easy, Snow.” 

“You’re such an arse, Baz.”   
“Thanks, it’s my shitty coping mechanism.” 

“Was that a joke?” 

“Was it funny?” 

“No.” 

“You’re literally laughing, Snow.”   
“Hey, you called me Simon before.” 

“I absolutely did no such thing. I don’t even know your first name.” Simon laughs louder then, eyes crackling, and dimples showing at the sides of his mouth. God, he’s painfully beautiful.

“I hate you.” 

“The sentiment is entirely mutual, Snow.” Baz replies, getting himself a cigarette. Maybe the nicotine will calm down his dumb heart. 

There’s quiet for a few minutes, until Snow speaks again.

“Why couldn’t you sleep?” He asks, eyes closed. Baz takes the opportunity to look at him, marking the image of Simon Snow laying on the grass in his brain forever. 

He really has no right to look like this. Baz hates him. 

“Nightmare.” Baz answers after a few minutes. 

“Do you have them often?”

“It’s getting better.” Snow nods, turning to look at him. He’s got a mole below his lip. It would be easy to lean in and kiss it, kiss all of them, kiss  _ him _ . 

“What about you?” Baz says, and Snow gives him a crooked smile. 

“Same as you.” 

“What do you have nightmares about? You’re the Golden Boy.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Snow is frowning now. 

“I mean, your life is perfect.” Snow snorts and this time is Baz that frowns. 

_ What is happening here? _

Snow doesn’t answer though, nor he offers further explanations, but Baz is too curious now. He wants to know what is keeping Snow up at 4 a.m.

“You didn’t answer.” Snow closes his eyes again, but he’s not smiling anymore. 

“This time in particular? Foster homes.” 

Now, everyone knows Snow was adopted. His life after that is mostly public knowledge, they’ve been on the tabloids far too many times. Nobody knows anything about him before the adoption, though. Davy always kept it private, and Snow never talks about it. At least not with Baz, of course. 

Over the years, Baz has made enough snippy comments to get the gist of it. Several homes, none of them particularly good, they left Snow with an unhealthy relationship with food and alcohol and with shit self-esteem. 

“Tell me about it?” Baz’s mouth moves before his brain can connect with it, which is rather unfortunate because  _ what the fuck? Who asks that?  _

Baz freezes, he knows this is the moment where Snow gets all flustered and starts stuttering and eventually leaves, stomping his feet, eyes dark. 

(Baz was a real asshole to him over the years.)

But Snow simply takes a deep breath and starts talking.

“I went through twentyseven houses by the time Davy got me out.” 

“ _ Twentyseven?”  _

“Yeah, I was a messed up kid. No one wanted me around for too long.” It’s supposed to sound as a joke, but Snow’s smile is too fake for that. 

“You were a kid, what could you have possibly done?” Snow shrugs and is quiet for some time. Baz doesn’t pushes him, because he’s got that look on his face from when he’s trying to put words together. 

Foster care left him with an unhealthy relationship with food and alcohol, shit self-esteem  _ and  _ shit communication skills. 

“It wasn’t- it wasn’t great, back then. None of them were. Except for one older lady, she used to bake a lot. It was heaven. She made scones from scratch, and burned them a bit every time, but they were so good.” Simon sits up, running one hand through the messy curls. “I was hungry a lot, back then.” 

Baz remembers him, when Davy first brought him home. 

Way too skinny, clothes hanging loosely everywhere, eyes wide and huge on his face. He was bruised even then. Baz can’t remember one point in time at which Snow wasn’t bruised. 

“Is that where your love for scones comes from?” 

“Yeah, yeah, probably. She was very nice.”   
“What happened?” 

“She- uhm- she- she died. So they shipped me and the other kids off to another house.” 

“How old were you?” Snow’s face scrunches up again, and Christ, Baz really wants to kiss it all better. 

“Eight, maybe? I don’t remember.” 

“I’m sorry, Simon.” Baz says quietly, almost afraid that Snow will actually hear him. But then Snow whips his head around, grinning like an idiot. 

“You called me Simon again!” Baz is blushing now. Thank God is dark. 

“Shut up.” 

“Why do you insist so much on calling me Snow? We’re friends, you can use my first name.” 

_ Friends.  _

Baz doesn’t have many friends. 

“We’re not friends.” Snow scoffs now, turning back to the city. 

“Sure, you stare at the city on top of a hill, in the middle on the night, with all your enemies.” 

“I don’t even do it with my actual friends. You’re just weird, Snow.”   
“Fuck you, Baz.” He says, but he’s still grinning, and Baz might just go ahead and kiss him. 

_ Pull yourself together, Pitch. _

“At least buy me dinner first.” Baz says, much more pleased than he should be when he sees Snow’s cheeks turning red. 

“Maybe- maybe I will.” 

Well, that was unexpected. 

“You- what?”

“What?”

“You  _ hate  _ me.” 

“No, I don’t.” Snow looks down, the blush spreading down to his neck, and  _ wow.  _

_ Wow.  _

This can’t be real, Baz must be dreaming.

“You don’t?” Snow shrugs, meeting Baz’s eyes because he never backs down from a challenge. 

“Why would I be here if I hated you?” 

That’s an extremely valid point. 

“I don’t know.” Baz says truthfully. Snow runs one hand through his curls, messing them up more than what they already are. He’s cut his hair recently, Baz notices, the undercut looks just done. 

“I like spending time with you.” Snow answers, honest and earnest, eyes more blue than the sky. 

Baz can’t do this. His heart is about to explode, his stomach is up in his throat and he’s shaking, and feeling overall nauseous.

Predictably, his mind flies to Malcolm. Father would straight up kill him if he knew Baz was in love with Snow. 

He stands up.

“We’re going home.” 

“What?”    
“You heard me.” Baz fishes his keys from his pocket, fingers itching for a cigarette, a drink, some coke,  _ anything  _ to take the edge off. “Snow, come on.” 

He turns to look at him, and finds Snow staring back. 

“What happened?” He asks, looking like a lost puppy. 

_ Jesus fucking Christ.  _

Baz can’t take one more second of this. He can’t be friends with Snow. 

“We’re going home.” He growls, bringing a cigarette to his lips. 

“But-

“Shut up and get in the car, Snow.”   
“What happened, Baz? We were fine a minute ago!” Baz is going to kill him.

“We were  _ never  _ fine, Snow. Just like we were never friends.” He says, voice cold and distant. Snow hates that, Baz knows. Probably another pleasant effect of his time in foster care, Snow doesn’t know how to handle rejection, how to be cool and indifferent. He hates being left out, cut out. Alone. 

Baz knows that. 

_ Why do you always go for the lowest blow? _

Snow isn’t moving, arms hanging at his side and mouth open. 

“Baz, what the  _ fuck  _ has gotten into you?” 

“ _ Nothing  _ has gotten into me. I’m just being honest. Now, get in the car.” Snow’s eyes are hard now, arms crossed over his chest. 

“No.”

“I’ll leave you here.” Baz threatens, dropping the finished cigarette on the ground. The nicotine didn’t really help. 

“No you won’t.”

Baz is about to rip his hair out.

“And why is that?” He snarls, and suddenly Snow is much closer. So close that they’re almost pressed together. 

Baz is about to have a breakdown. 

“Tell me what happened.” Snow says, voice firm and low, and it sends chills down Baz’s spine. 

“I  _ told  _ you.” Baz says, exasperated. He just wants to get as far away from Snow as possible. “We need to go home, so I can drop you off and pretend none of this ever happened.” Snow looks hurt now.  _ Great _ . 

“But why?” His voice is small, confused and lost, and Baz is  _ so  _ close to kiss him. 

“Because I can’t do this!” He’s almost yelling, and Snow flinches. “I can’t be friends with you, you idiot.” 

“Why not, Baz? We were doing-

“If you say ‘fine’ one more time, God help me, I will deck you.” Snow shuts his mouth close. Baz’s head is pounding. “It’s because you’re you, you’re the Golden Boy, everybody loves you, and you’re so bright, and I’m  _ me.”  _

“So?” 

“So it just doesn’t work like that!” Baz is screaming now, and there are tears pooling in his eyes. 

_ Wow, that went down fast _ .

Baz swallows back down the tears that threaten to fall, and looks back up in Snow’s eyes. 

“Are you happy, now?” Baz snarls, and Snow shakes his head. 

“Not even one bit.” Snow says. Baz is about to say something else, when Snow kisses him. 

**SIMON**

Simon kisses Baz. 

It doesn’t last long, because then Baz pushes him away and Simon’s stomach sinks to the ground. He totally misread the entire situation. He fucked up, royally so. 

“Baz-

“What the  _ fuck  _ was that, Snow?” Baz is growling, fists clenched, and Simon is so sure Baz will punch him. “Why on Earth would you that, you stupid idiot-

Simon kisses him again, holding on to the collar of his shirt and pushing the last insult back into Baz’s mouth. 

His lips are very soft. 

“Shut the fuck up, Baz.” Simon whispers on his lips, still holding onto him. He’s almost afraid that if he lets go, Baz will just get in the car and leave. 

But then Baz is nodding, and he’s got his eyes closed, so Simon leans in again, and catches his lips in another kiss.

It’s nothing like kissing Agatha. Kissing Agatha felt more like an obligation, something he had to because everyone expected them to, not because he wanted.

But kissing Baz- kissing Baz is like getting burnt. Simon’s skin is alight where they touch, his mouth is tingling, and his heart is racing, as if he was scared.

(He is scared. He’s terrified.)

But Baz finally,  _ finally,  _ kisses back, hands going to rest on Simon’s shoulders and it feels amazing. He moves his own hands on Baz’s waist, pulling him closer, so they’re pressed flushed together and Simon has never felt like this in his entire life. 

He licks Baz’s lips, and he moans a little, parting them so Simon can start exploring his mouth. He tastes like smoke and mint, which is weird combo, but a very tasty one.

They kiss until they have to come up for air, and at that point they’re already panting, and Baz’s lips are pink and shiny, and he’s all blushy and pretty. 

He’s so pretty. 

“You kissed me.” Simon grins, nodding. “You just kissed me. Why- why did you do that?”

“What do you mean ‘why’? Because I like you.” Simon says and Baz looks like he just got slapped on the face. 

“You- what- you  _ like  _ me?” 

“I just kissed you, didn’t I?” Simon pulls back a little. This isn’t going how it’s supposed to go.

Maybe Baz regrets the whole things, maybe now he  _ really  _ hates Simon, more than what he already did, anyway. “Sorry.” 

“Why are you apologizing?” 

“You just- you don’t look at happy. Sorry i kissed you, I-I should- asked- uhm- I’m- I-

“Christ, Snow, you really are an idiot.” And then Baz kisses him, and Simon melts against him. 

_ Thank fuck. _

“You just caught me by surprise.” Baz says, breaking the kiss. “But, it’s a very welcome surprise.” He’s blushing again, and no one should be this attractive when they blush. 

Simon’s heart is jumping in his chest. 

“Happy to help.” Simon says, leaning in again. Baz lets himself be kissed, a smile playing on his lips, and Simon runs his hands over his side, burying his fingers in his black hair. 

They’re silky and smooth as he always imagined. And he smells amazing, of some posh cologne and smoke. 

Simon licks in Baz’s mouth again and again, determined to memorize every single detail about this in case Baz really decides to never talk to him again. 

At some point, Simon finds himself pushed against the side of the car, with Baz in his arms, determined to suck all of the air from his lungs. 

It’s- It’s amazing. Baz is amazing. He tells him as much, enjoying the blush on his cheeks. 

Simon lets his hands roam, slipping his fingers under Baz’s shirt, brushing over his cool skin. It makes Baz shivers on him. It’s so good. 

Simon abandons Baz’s mouth, pulls his hair a little and Baz’s follows the moment with a sigh, exposing his long neck, and Simon was never one to waste a good opportunity. He kisses, and licks and is careful to not leave marks, but Baz seems to enjoy it anyway. 

“Christ, Snow.”

“Simon.”

“Mh?”

“Simon, call me Simon.” He says, and Baz’s eyes are dark, his lips curled in a smirk. He leans in again, pressing their chest together. He nips at Simon’s ear, pulls the lobe between his teeth, pressing wet kisses all over his skin. 

“Simon.” He whispers, voice low and hoarse, it sends a shiver through Simon’s body, and he grips Baz’s hips tighter. 

He’s definitely getting hard now, and if the suspicious bulge in Baz’s pants is anything to go by, so is he. He holds on tighter on Baz’s hips, pulling him closer, bites his lips and enjoys the moan escaping his lips. Then Baz’s fingers slide down his chest and start pulling at the strings of his sweats.

“Can I?” He asks, voice low and eyes dark. Simon nods, pulling up Baz’s shirt. Then Baz drops on his knees and  _ Jesus motherfucking Christ.  _

“Fuck, Baz.” Baz’s eyes are shining, as he pulls down Simon’s sweats and pants in one go, freeing his hard cock. Baz looks at it like it’s the most delicious thing he’s ever seen. He looks up at Simon, pressing a kiss on his inner thigh and licking his lips like a goddamn pornstar.

It’s so erotic that Simon has to grip the base of his cock  _ tight  _ so he doesn’t come right there and then. He forces himself to breathe deeply, one hand coming up to touch Baz’s face and Baz nuzzles into his palm, lips parted. He takes hold of Baz’s hair, and he fucking  _ whimpers,  _ before finally putting his lips where they’re meant to be, around Simon’s cock. 

He takes it all in one go, and Simon forgets how breathing works, too mesmerized by the sight, fire exploding inside him. Baz starts bobbing his head up and down, tongue dragging on the side on his dick. 

“Jesus, Baz, you’re so fucking good.” Baz hums around his dick, pulling off with a loud pop. 

“Fuck my mouth, Snow.” Simon sputters, can’t believe what he’s hearing. 

“What?” His voice is a bit squeaky. Baz only sneers at him, giving a few good strokes to Simon’s dick. 

“You heard me, Snow. Fuck my mouth.” 

“I don’t want to hurt you.” He manages to say when his brain connects with his mouth again.

“You won’t.” Baz mewls, dragging his lip on a particularly protruding vein and Simon doesn’t even know why he’s complaining. So he nods, grabbing Baz’s hair again, tighter this time. He holds his head steady, taking his dick with his other hand.

“Open your mouth, Baz.” He says, watching Baz’s shiver.

_ Interesting. _

Baz does open his mouth, tongue darting out to flick at the head, eyes blown black. He thrusts in slowly, afraid he might hurt him, but Baz only moans around his dick, pushing forwards, sliding his cock deeper in his mouth, so Simon decides to pick up the pace.

One of Baz’s hands come to rest on his thigh, but his other hand disappears inside his pants and Simon realized that’s he jerking himself off. He’s getting off on sucking Simon’s cock. Simon might burst just at the thought.

Soon enough he’s fucking into Baz’s wet mouth, there’s a strand of saliva at the corner of his lips, and he looks like he’s trying to keep his eyes open but can’t quite manage. Simon thrusts in, his cock hitting the back of his throat and Baz swallows and he’s done for.

“Baz- Baz, I’m gonna-

He tries to pull out, but Baz digs his fingers into Simon’s thighs, holding him close and then Simon is coming, hard and hot, with a loud groan. 

“Fuck, Baz.” He says once his brain starts functioning again, and Baz pulls off with a wet  _ pop _ , lips red and slick with spit, hair messy and cheeks pink. He’s got a bit of cum on the corner of his mouth and Simon can only drag his finger over it, before pushing past Baz’s welcoming lips. Baz sucks on it the same way he just did on his dick and Simon knows he’ll be wanking to this particular image for the next three years. 

“You look so fucking hot, Baz. Christ, come here.” Simon pulls him up and crushes their lips together and he can definitely taste himself inside Baz’s mouth. It shouldn’t be this hot, but somehow it is and his dick twitches valiantly in an effort to go again. 

He slides his hands lower, smirking when he notices the wet stop on the front of his sweats. 

“Next time let me do it.” He says on, and Baz’s brow quirks up. 

“Next time?” He asks, voice hoarse. 

He did that. He fucked Baz’s throat so good that his voice is hoarse. 

“Yeah- I mean, uh- 

Simon shuts his eyes closed, trying to piece together his thoughts. 

_ Focus, Simon. _

“I know you don’t like me, probably still fucking hate me, but I just- we could do it again. If you wanted.”

“Would you want to?” 

“Fuck yeah, Baz. That was the best blowjob I’ve ever had.” Baz blushes furiously. Simon can’t help the smile pulling at his lips. “So, what do you say?” Baz hesitates only a second before nodding.

“Deal.”

“Deal.” Simon repeats, pulling him in for another kiss. Baz nods again, more to himself than anything, melting against Simon’s chest. It’s good. Simon holds him close and kisses him until he can’t remember his own name. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are always appreciated, I love reading what you guys think!


	5. Young God

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What's up kiddos?   
> Things are heating up, this chapter is very smutty, hope y'all ready for it.  
> Comments and kudos are always appreciated!
> 
> Song: Young God by Halsey
> 
> Warnings:  
> -Drinking  
> -Super extra bried mention of drugs  
> -Child abuse (Not graphic, Davy being an asshole as usual)  
> -Smut

_ [ _ _ And I've been sitting at the bottom of a swimming pool _

_ For a while now, drowning my thoughts out with the sounds _

_ But do you feel like a young god? _

_ You know the two of us are just young gods _ _ ] _

**SIMON**

“You looks great, Baz.” He does, in a flowery shirt and tight pants, sunglasses propped on his head. 

“Of course I do, Snow. Why are you acting so surprised?” Simon flips his off. 

They had sushi for lunch, and now they’re in a cocktail bar, sitting outside and enjoy the nice weather. Since the bruises on his arms are mostly gone, Simon opted for a short-sleeved shirt today, and the sun feels amazing on his skin. 

Simon takes a long sip from his gin lemon, eyes on Baz. 

They talk about everything and nothing, and Simon finds out that Baz is a Star Wars fan, only to learn that his favourite movie is  _ The empire strikes back,  _ which is obviously wrong, because the best movie is  _ Return of the Jedi.  _ They get into an argument about it, that Simon ends by kissing him.

It turns out, kissing Baz is the best way to shut him up. 

They spend the entire day together. It’s good. Simon hasn’t felt this happy in a long time. 

Somewhere in the back of his mind, Simon thinks that this looks a lot like a date. 

It’s not, of course. They’ve been fooling around for a couple of weeks, hiding from all their friends, and it’s fun. It’s fucking amazing. 

“Do you want to do anything tonight?” Baz asks, and Simon nods, chin propped on his hand so he can stare at Baz. He tries not to stare too much, but right now he doesn’t particularly care. Baz is also staring, so he figures it doesn’t really matter..

“Yeah, I’d like that. I think Agatha wanted to go to Heaven.”

“Sounds good to me.”   
“We’ll make a night out of it, yeah?” 

“I don’t see why now.” Simon smiles at him, and Baz sneers. 

“Stop smiling like that.” 

“Like what?” 

“I never wanted to see that many teeth.” 

“Shut up, Baz. I’m happy. Happy people smile. You should try it sometimes.”

“I’m never happy.” 

“Liar. You’re happy right now.” 

“What makes you say that?” 

“You’re with me, aren’t you?” Simon grins and Baz scoffs, pulling his sunglasses over his eyes. All this sun has colored his cheeks in a soft pink. 

“You’re awfully confident, Snow.” Simon shrugs, still smiling. Baz sighs, but he’s also smiling, just a little. 

“Come on, let’s text the others. I’ve got to go home for dinner.” 

**

Davy is home when Simon gets in. He’s also been drinking, if the acre smell of alcohol filling the living room is anything to go by. 

Davy is on the couch, bottle of cognac in hand and empty glass on the side. 

“Simon, you’re home.” He’s slurring a bit. “Where were you?” 

“I was with my friends.” 

“That’s funny, son, because someone told me you were seen around with the Pitch boy. And he’s definitely not your friend.” Simon doesn’t say anything, doesn’t move. “Care to explain yourself, boy?” 

“We don’t hate each other anymore.” Davy sneers.

“Simon, son, you’re so stupid. Of course he hates you, he’s your enemy, have you forgotten who is father is?”   
“No, sir.”   
“Malcolm is behind this, I can guarantee it.”   
“Baz-

“The Pitch boy doesn’t like you, trust me. They’re using you to get to me.” Simon doesn’t say anything. Davy is lying, he’s drunk and he’s lying. 

_ Focus, Simon. _

“You can’t trust any of them. Am I clear?” Simon nods, pressing his nails in the palms of his hands. 

“Yes, sir.” 

“I really thought you’d be smarter than this, Simon.”

“I’m sorry, sir.” 

“I don’t know why I’m so surprised. After all, you are a big disappointment.” 

_ Focus, Simon. _

“I’m sorry.” 

“You know, Simon, today I had a really bad day. I really don’t need you cozying up to the enemy.” 

It takes every bit of willpower Simon has to not yell at Davy. 

“He’s not your friend, Simon.” Davy says calmly, standing up. 

“He’s not like his father, sir.” Simon whispers, and is not even surprised when Davy slaps him across the cheek. He punches Simon right in the stomach, grabbing his hair and pulling him upright. Simon finds himself pressed against the wall, with Davy’s hand around his neck. 

“I guess you didn’t understand. He’s not your friend. Why would he be?” Simon can’t breathe. He feels the panic bubbling up, fear knotting his insides. “No one wants that, Simon. You’re nothing. Remember that.” 

There are dots dancing in front of Simon’s eyes. 

“Your own mother didn’t want you, Simon.” Davy’s voice is ice-cold. Simon can’t breathe. 

“Please-

“You’re so pathetic, Simon. Do not trust him.” 

“I won’t- I won’t- I-

Davy lets him go and Simon slumps against the wall, gasping. When his vision clears, Davy is back on the couch, glass his hand one more time. 

“Are you going out tonight?” Davy smiles at Simon, nice and bright, and Simon blinks, the sudden change literally giving him whiplash.

“I-I- I’m-

“Use your words, Simon.” Simon flinches, looking down. He nods.

“Yes, sir.” 

“Good, have some fun while the summer lasts. College is going to be hard, son.” Simon nods, pulling himself up. He’s shaking from head to toe. He excuses himself, and goes in the kitchen. 

He takes a minute to swallow down the tears filling up his eyes. He opens the fridge and makes himself some sandwiches, and then grabs some ice cream and brings everything in his room. He’s got a secret stash of scones here, along with some biscuits. And the vodka from last time. He sits on the floor. 

He can’t stop shaking.

He needs to breathe.

_ Focus, Simon. _

He’s still panicking, anxiety making his skin itch, too tight and uncomfortable. He can feel a black hole opening at the bottom of his stomach, endless and void. Simon is hungry.

He starts eating, taking big bites from the sandwiches. 

_ Focus, Simon. _

Simon doesn’t even know what they taste like. He just wants that panicky feeling to leave so he can breathe again. He eats, but the hole doesn’t fill up, so he keeps eating, until he feels sick and there are tears streaming down his face.

_ Focus, Simon. _

But he can’t focus. He can’t focus on anything, his mind is swimming, and he can’t breathe, and he’s so  _ hungry.  _ Simon  _ hates  _ being hungry. 

He’s gone through the entire scone stash and he doesn’t really feel any better. He reaches for the vodka and takes a long sip.

If he can’t fill the void with food, maybe he can with alcohol. 

He’s very well past tipsy, by the time he can breathe again. He does, gasping for air as if he’d been in apnea for the whole time. 

The room is very much spinning now. 

_ Focus, Simon. _

His phone is ringing. It’s Penny. 

“ _ Simon, why are you not answering?”  _

“I’m answering.” 

“ _ Are you- Simon are you drunk? _ ” 

“Maybe. A bit.”

“ _ Christ, Simon. Where are you? _ ”    
“Home.” 

_ “Fine, I’m coming there.” _

“No- no, Pen, no- don’t.”    
_ “Why not? _ ” 

“You just can’t. ’m ‘kay.” 

“ _ But, Si- _

“What time are you coming by?” 

“ _ Agatha said eleven _ .” 

“‘kay, I’ll see you then.” 

_ “Simon, wait, what happened?” _

“Nothin,’m ‘kay. Promise.” He hangs up before Penny can drill the answers out of his alcohol-muddled brain. He looks at the clock, finding out it’s only nine-thirty. There are also a couple of texts from Baz.

**Baz:** _ What time are we meeting? _

**Baz:** _ Snow, answer me. _

**Baz:** _ Snow, we need to make plans. _

**Baz:** _ I talked with Wellbelove. See you later _ **.**

Simon sighs, running one hand over his face. The words are swimming a bit. He still manages to send a reply, hoping that it’s good enough.

**Simon:** _ Srr, was w/ davy, c you latrr _

He drops the phone back on the bed and stumbles his way to the bathroom. He takes a long, cold shower, and feels marginally better after it. He doesn’t look at the mirror, though. He doesn’t want to see himself just yet.

Instead he goes back in the room, and start rummaging through his clothes, still taking sips from the bottle here and there. 

When he starts dressing though, he has to look in the mirror, and they’re there. Bruises all around his neck. 

They’re faint, barely visible really, a pale purple on his tan skin that no one will notice, especially in the club, where it will be dark. 

Simon drinks some more. 

Agatha calls him to tell him that the limousine has arrived, and he stumbles his way downstairs. 

**

They all ride together in Agatha’s limo. Which means that Baz, Dev and Niall are already in the car when Simon gets in. He’s the last one, and he almost falls on his face when he misses the step to get in. Baz is there in a second, holding him up by his arm. 

Simon laughs, and Baz sneers, but pulls him inside anyway. 

“Idiot.” Baz snarls. Simon tries to glare at him, but his vision is swimming too much. 

“Fuck off, Baz.” He says, letting his head fall back on the back of the seat. 

“Now that you’ve insulted each other, champagne?” Agatha smiles popping one bottle open. Everybody cheers, and Simon gladly takes a glass, trying his best to not spill anything.

He downs it rapidly, letting his head fall on Baz’s shoulder while he listens to his friends bicker and yell.

It’s good. Their noise fills Simon’s head, pushing out Davy’s cutting voice. 

They get to the club soon enough, and his friends are also a bit tipsy when they get out, having drunk all three bottles. It’s good. Baz has his arm around Simon’s waist. 

Once they’re in Agatha drags them all on the dancefloor, and Simon wraps his arm around Baz’s neck, letting the other boy support most of his weight. 

It’s good, Simon likes this.

“You okay, Snow?” Baz has to scream over the music. Simon nods, smiles. 

“You look good.” He says, running his fingers over Baz’s chest, the dark red shirt he’s wearing is smooth under his fingers. He looks up and pulls Baz down for a kiss, letting his eyes fall close. 

**BAZ** **  
** Something’s wrong with Snow.

Baz has been in love with him for years, he knows more about Snow than what he’d like to admit. 

For example, the fact that he was drunk even before getting in the limo means something has happened. 

To be fair, everybody could have guessed that.

But Baz is also very attentive. So now that Snow is so close to him, Baz can see the faint marks on his necks. He’s not sure of what he’s looking at.

It feels as if he’s building a puzzle, but he’s missing a piece. A piece the size of China.

However, he can think about it later.

Right now, he’s got a pliant, beautiful Snow in his arms. Snow is moving his hips in small circles, rubbing their crotches together. 

“This okay?” Snow asks, and Baz is so in love.

“Acceptable.” Snow snorts and tilts his face up.

Then he’s kissing Baz, doing magic things with his tongue, tilting his chin up in that way that makes Baz’s knees weak. Kissing Snow is a drug, and Baz really would know, having done most of them. 

He runs his hands over Snow’s hips, and then through his hair, absorbing the warmth coming off his body. 

Snow starts kissing down the side of Baz’s jaw, making his way to his neck, barely scratching the skin with his teeth. It makes Baz shiver, it’s so good. 

Baz lets out a low moan that he will be embarrassed about forever. Snow pulls back, with a shit-eating grin on his face, looking all smug and proud. 

“Did you say something, Baz?” 

“Nothing at all.” Baz says, catching his lips again. Snow laughs against his mouth and Baz drinks in it. He feels high. High on Simon Snow, Golden Boy and his  _ fuckbuddy. _

_ I’m living a charmed life.  _

“Baz, let’s go.” Snow says suddenly, taking Baz’s hand. 

“Where?” Baz laughs, letting Snow drag him to the bathrooms. There’s no line so Snow walks in and pulls him into one of the stalls, pressing him hard against the wall and locking the door. “We’re not going to fuck in club bathroom, Snow.” He says, trying to resist the intoxicating pull of Snow’s lip.

Snow just grins at him, dropping to his knees, which is bold considered the state of these floors. 

He also looks incredibly hot, kneeling in front of Baz like that, blue eyes shining.

Snow fidgets for a minute with the buckle of Baz’s belt, biting his lip and looking like that simple task is taking up all of his concentration.

Maybe he’s too drunk.

Maybe they should stop.

“Simon-

Baz doesn’t have time to say whatever sappy bullshit he was going to say, because then Simon has pulled down his jeans, alongs with underwear.

Baz’s cock is only half hard, but then Simon wraps his lips around it, licking gently at the crown, and Baz feels a shiver running down his spine. He lifts one hand to bury it in Simon’s hair, pulling at the curls, and Simon hums around his dick, which feels  _ fantastic. _

Simon starts bobbing his head then, resting his hands on Baz’s thighs for support, and Baz feels the head hitting the back of his throat every time, it’s dizzying. Simon twirls his tongue on top, drags it back down the side, and then swallows, and Baz can’t breathe for a second, it’s so good.

“Christ, Simon.” He mumbles without even realizing, and rests his head on the wall behind him. Simon looks up at him, his eyes brighter than the fucking sun, and  _ wow,  _ Baz is so  _ pathetically  _ in love.

It’s a weird thought to have while Simon sucks his dick, but what can you do?

Then Baz feels a finger circling his hole, and his mouth falls open.

Simon doesn’t try to push it in, not like this, without lube and in a shitty bathroom, but the gentle pressure, the  _ thought  _ of what it could be, is enough to send Baz over the edge when Simon swallows again around the head. 

Baz feels his body tense up, and he grips tighter at Simon’s hair, ripping a moan from him as he comes down his throat. 

“Fuck, Jesus.” Baz blinks, knees almost giving out under him. He looks down, to Simon who is cleaning a bit of cum from the corner of his mouth with the back of his hands.

_ Well, fuck me. _

Simon stands up with a smug grin, and Baz zips himself up and then pulls Simon in for a kiss. He can taste himself in his mouth, an undertone of salty that doesn’t belong in Simon’s mouth, and it really shouldn’t be this hot but it is and Baz rally can’t believe this is life.

Simon kisses him deeply, licking into Baz’s mouth, and Baz reaches down to Simon’s pants so he return the favor, but then Simon pulls back, a look of panic on his face.

“Simon?” His name tumbles off Baz’s lips, and Simon blinks, looking a bit lost. “You okay?”   
“Yeah.” Simon says, and Baz watches the second where Simon pushes whatever it is down, a big grin appearing on his face again, eyes big and wild. 

“So, do you-

“No.” Simon says, far too quickly, and Baz doesn’t really  _ know  _ what to do. “Let’s go back to the others, okay?” Simon says, taking his hands.

Baz lets him, tries not to take it personally. 

Simon kisses him again, deep and wet just like before, and it almost feels like everything is fine again.

**PENNY**

Penny really needs to talk with Simon, but he seems to have disappeared from the face of Earth. She resolves to go find him in an hour, if he isn’t back by then.

She’s sitting of Shep’s lap, back to their table with Dev and Agatha, who are also sitting closely to each other. Niall went off some time ago, and Penny spots him dancing with a guy a bit farther down the room. 

Penny turns back to the conversation happening beside her.

“Do you remember that time at Philippa Stainton’s birthday party where Baz pushed Simon in the pool?”

“And then Simon pulled him in too.” Dev continues.

“Baz was so pissed that Snow ruined his suit.”   
“Typical of Baz.” 

Sometime later, Penny turns to see Simon stumble his way back to the table. Penny gets up, throwing an apology behind her, as she intercepts Simon halfway. 

“Si, we need to talk.” She says, and Simon smiles, swaying a bit on his feet. She takes his hand. “Let’s go.” She drags him towards the bathrooms, where is more quiet. 

“Starts talking.” She orders, crossing her arms over chest. 

“Talk ‘bout what?” He mumbles, getting a pack of cigarettes out of his pockets. He doesn’t smoke often, Penny knows. Only when he’s drunk or stressed. 

“Why were you drunk when I called you? Baz said you were together most of the day, and you were fine when you went home.” He shrugs, blowing out the smoke. “Simon.”   
“‘s nothing, Pen.”   
“It doesn’t look like nothing, Si.” 

“Davy had a bad day.” Simon finally says, closing his eyes. “Said some bad stuff.” 

“Oh, Simon.”   
“‘m ‘kay, though.” 

“Yes, you look totally fine. We talked about this, Simon. You need to tell me, so things like this don’t happen.” 

“‘m fine.” 

“Christ, Simon. You’re a disaster.” 

“I know.” His smile is soft and small. He holds out his hands and Penny sigh, letting herself be enveloped in his strong arms. She leans against him. “Sorry I worried you.” 

“It’s okay.” She murmurs against his chest. 

Penny must be drunk though, because the world is tilting on its axes.

“Penny, I’m going to fall.”   
“What?” Then Simon slides down against the wall, dragging Penny down with him. “Simon!” She yells, but Simon is laughing, holding his hands up as to not touch the disgusting club floor. “It’s sticky,  _ ew!”  _ Penny looks up, watching Simon’s eyes tingle, and starts laughing without even realising. “Gross, Simon.” 

**NIALL** **  
** “So, Baz, tell us more about our Golden Boy.” Niall begins, sitting down between Baz and Dev. Penny and Agatha went dancing a while ago, and Shepard and Simon are off getting drinks. 

“Yes, dear cousin, what happened to hating the Golden Boy?”   
“You know he never hated Snow, right?” 

“Of course, I’m just fucking with him.”    
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Baz says, sipping calmly on his drink. 

“Fuck off, Baz. I saw you leaving the bathroom with him” Niall says, putting his chin over his hands. Dev laughs, loudly.

“No way, you hooked up with him in a  _ bathroom!  _ Baz, you filthy slut.” Baz blushes furiously. 

“Snow insisted, okay? How was I supposed to say no?” 

“I can’t believe this- how long have you been hooking up?” Niall asks, gripping Baz’s shoulder. Baz takes another sip.

“A couple of weeks.” 

“ _ Fuck you,  _ Baz! And you didn’t tell us?”   
“I’m feeling so betrayed.” Dev sighs, putting one hand over his heart. “I thought we were friends.”   
“So that’s where you’ve been sneaking off every night.” 

“Not every night.” Baz tries to say. Dev scoffs.

“Almost. So what? Are you dating?” Baz looks away, and Niall knows what’s about to come. 

“No, Baz, you didn’t.” He says, and Baz glares at him. Dev, bless him, looks lost as ever. 

“What are you guys talking about?” 

“They’re not dating. They’re just fuckin’.” 

“But, Baz- you’re- what-

“Shut up.” Baz says, downing his drink. “I know, okay?”   
“Shit, mate. Does he know?” Baz scoffs, pushing his hair out of his face.

“That I’m ridiculously in love with him? No, of course no. It’s not like that for him.”

“Sorry, Baz. That sucks.” 

“It’s alright. Snow is- well, it’s enough as it is.” He says resolutely, as if he’s trying to convince himself more than them. Niall sighs, squeezing his shoulder.

“So, how did it start?” Baz smiles a little, refilling his glass.

“Snow took me to this really nice place where we could see the city.”

“How romantic.”

“Snow’s got game.”    
“Anyway, we started talking, then we argued, then we were screaming at each other, and then he kissed me.”   
“ _ He  _ kissed  _ you?”  _

“Bloody hell, mate. 

“Yes, he kissed me. And then I sucked him off and we went home.”   
“You didn’t have to make it so crude.” Baz gives him a feline smile, leaning back against the cushion. He looks at Dev, eyes glinting.

“How is it going with Wellbelove?”   
“I’m simply biding my time. Fortune smiles to patient people or whatever.”

“I don’t think that’s how the saying goes.” Niall says, forcing a smile. He pats Baz’s shoulder, getting up.

“Now, if you’ll excuse me, I promised Andrew I’d meet him at the bar about ten minutes ago.” 

“Who the fuck is Andrew?” Baz asks, looking at Dev for answers. Niall sighs. 

“The guy I was with earlier? Brown hair? Body of a god? Gonna blow me in the bathroom?” 

“And you called  _ me  _ a slut! You’re going to do the same exact thing.” 

“Yes, but better.”    
“You fucking wish.” Niall winks at him, getting up. He walks to the bar, where he crosses path with Shepard and Snow, carrying a bunch of drinks. 

“Oi, boys.” 

“Niall, what’s up?” Shepard asks.

“Got a date. Snow you okay? You’re looking a bit unsteady.” 

“No, I’m fine.” He smiles, swaying a bit. Shepard rolls his eyes, smiling.

“Come on, Simon. Let’s get you on a chair.”   
“Sounds fantastic.” Snow says. Niall smiles at them, moving past them, finally reaching the bar. Andrew is there, and he smiles when he sees Niall.

“I thought you forgot about me.” Andrew says, voice deep. He’s got pretty green eyes, and tousled chocolate hair. He’s very handsome. He’s not Dev, but he’ll do. 

“Could never.” Niall gives him his best smile, leaning over the bar. “Can I buy you another drink?” 

**SIMON** **  
** The room is spinning. The music is loud. There are people pressing into him. He’s hot. 

Shep makes him sit down on one of the sofas lining the wall, beside Baz.

“You okay, Snow?” Baz asks, a smile playing on his lips.

“Fuck, you’re so pretty.” Simon mumbles quietly. Baz is blushing though, and Simon likes when Baz blushes. 

He drops his head on Baz’s shoulder, and Baz sneaks an arm around his waist. It’s good, and comfortable. Simon listens to the conversation, offering comments here and there, but mostly thinking about how good Baz smells. 

“Hey boys, what did we miss?” Penny and Agatha sits down beside them. 

“What time is it?” Agatha asks, waking an hand in front of her face to fight the warmth. It’s really hot. 

“Uh, almost five. You want to go?” Dev asks, and Agatha nods. 

“Yes, I think I’m done for tonight. And Simon too, I’m guessing.”   
“I’ll call Niall, and we can start heading out.” Baz says, getting his phone out. 

Twenty minutes later they’re in the limo, and Simon is still leaning against Baz. 

“Hey Snow, wake up.” Baz says in his ear. 

“Not asleep.” Simon replies, yawning. 

“You’re almost home.” Simon pulls himself upright, rubbing his eyes. He’s not drunk anymore, just really tired, and really not excited about going home. 

“Can I sleep with you?” He asks. Baz is looking at him as if he’s gone crazy. “What?” 

“Did you just-

“Oh, fuck- I didn’t mean- I just don’t want to go home.” He says, then realizes that still sounds suspicious. “Davy has to wake up early, I don’t want to wake him up.” Baz is staring at him, and Simon holds his gaze. 

“Can I stay at yours? Please?” He whispers, and Baz sighs. Simon smiles, knowing he’s won. 

“Fine.” Simon whoops, and turns back to their friends. Penny and Shep are whispering between themselves, while Agatha, Dev and Niall are discussing something else. They’re talking about some reality show, probably something that Agatha likes. 

Sometime later, the limo stops at Shep’s house, and he gets out with Penny in tow. Simon winks at her when she looks at him, and she rolls her eyes so far back she must see her brain. 

Next, they get off at Baz’s house with Niall. Baz stops to wait for Dev, but the other boy makes no move of getting out. Simon looks between Dev and Agatha, and she smiles timidly at him. 

“See you later, guys.” Simon says, smiling. “Have fun.” 

“But not too much!” Baz yells. Dev groans, and Agatha turns red. 

“Be safe, kids!” Niall also screams, before closing the door. 

“Did you see his face?” Baz asks.

“Priceless.” Simon answers, laughing. 

**

Simon is helping himself to some food from Baz’s kitchenette, listening to Baz kicking Niall out of the room and to Niall’s jokes and remarks. Eventually Baz manages to close the door, with a deep exhale. 

“I thought he’d never leave.”    
“To be fair, we did kick him out of his room.”   
“This is my room, Snow.”   
“Don’t the three of you sleep together?” 

“Technically, they’ve got their own rooms down the hall. They just sleep here.”   
“Why?” Simon asks, finally finding something edible. Cereal. He starts eating them dry, straight from the box. 

“We can’t function without each other, according to Daphne.” Baz says, wrapping his arms around Simon’s waist. Simon melts against him, and lets Baz hold him up. 

“Cute.” Simon munches around a mouthful of cereal before speaking again. “Why do they live here in the first place?” 

“Family issues. They don’t go along with their families.” 

Ah, that Simon can understand.

_ Focus, Simon.  _

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s alright, they’ve lived here for years.”

“It’s nice of you, to let them stay.” Baz blinks, looking away. 

“Well, they’re my family.” 

“What about your dad?” Simon realizes to late that maybe he shouldn’t be pushing. Too late now. 

“What about him?” Baz doesn’t look at him, busying himself with rearranging things on the kitchen counter. “He remarried, and now has a new bunch of kids.” 

“Do you get along with them?” 

“The kids? Oh, yes, especially Mordelia. Sometimes I’m surprised she doesn’t have a single drop of Pitch blood in her.” Baz turns to look at Simon now, hand on his hip. 

“Are you done playing twenty questions?” Simon nods, blushing a little. Baz takes his hand and leads him to the bedroom. 

Baz stops in the middle of the room, and Simon closes the door behind himself. He walks up to Baz, resting his hands on his hips. Baz puts his hands on Simon’s shoulders, and Simon smiles at him. Baz rolls his eyes, before leaning down to claim Simon’s lips. 

Baz tastes of smoke and alcohol and something fruity. It’s addicting, Simon forgets how to breathe and the room halts to a full stop. 

Baz has his hands tugging at Simon’s curls, and it makes Simon tighten his grip on Baz’s hips, skin cool under his fingers. It seems that Baz is always a bit cold, the opposite of Simon. 

Simon likes it, it’s got something poetic about it. 

Simon walks backward until his knees hit the big bed, and he falls down on hit, pulling Baz with him. 

It stings on his bruised back, but it’s a price Simon is willing to pay to have Baz on top of him. 

Baz’s legs are at each side of his waist, and his hair is messy and falling around his face like a velvety curtain. Simon smiles up to him, tucking a strand behind his hair. 

“I like it better this way.” Simon says. “Your hair, I mean. Messy.”   
“Of course you do, you absolute nightmare.” Baz says, but it has no bite. Simon grins at him, pulling him down again. Simon lets his hands roam at Baz’s sides, before starting to undo the buttons of his shirt, slowly.

Miles and miles of dark skin, smooth and soft, begging to be kissed and touched. Simon flips them around, eliciting a giggle from Baz, an honest-to-God  _ giggle.  _

Simon feels euphoric. 

He leans down to suck at Baz’s neck, then lower to his clavicle. Baz is so fucking fit, it used to drive Simon crazy. Though, to be fair, Simon is starting to think he might just have misunderstood everything from the beginning. He was always a bit slow.

Anyway. 

Back to the task at hand. Kissing every inch of Baz. 

He starts sucking at one of Baz’s nipple, rolling the other between his fingers, bites and nips, as they turn hard. Baz lets out a low moan, quiet, but it has Simon almost shaking with anticipation.

He wants to draw more of those delicious sounds out of him. 

“Snow-

“Simon.” Baz sneers, eyes shining. 

“Snow.” He repeats, rolling the name on his tongue. It drives Simon mad. 

Fine. Two can play this game. 

He stops his journey down Baz’s chest in order to prop his chin on one hand, looking up at Baz. 

“Hey Baz?” 

“Mh?” 

“What’s my name?” He asks, fingers playing with the button of his jeans. He leans down again, pressing a kiss on Baz’s side, right over his stupid hip bone, which has no right to be this sexy. 

“Snow.” He smiles, lips on the softer skin of his side. 

“I had a feeling you might say that.” He murmurs, before biting down. 

It’s not hard enough that it breaks the skin, but it will leave a bruise and it catches Baz by surprise, a whimper falling from his lips. It’s a such a lovely sound. 

“Snow, what the f-

He catches Baz’s lips again, licking inside his mouth. He’s hungry, but it’s a different hunger from the one Simon is used to. There’s no void to be filled, that otherwise threatens to swallow him whole. It’s blissful and burning and devouring, but in the best way possible. It sets Simon’s blood on fire. 

He returns to Baz’s neck, fingers brushing over Baz’s jeans, pushing his thighs further apart and pressing their groins together. It rips another moan from Baz’s mouth.

“What’s my name, darlin?” He asks again, and Baz’s breath itches, his hands pulling at his curls. He sucks a mark on Baz’s shoulder, then another one on his chest, then another and another, until Baz is writhing under him, panting. 

Simon looks up, finding Baz already staring at him, cheeks flushed a pretty pink and eyes blown dark. 

“You’re so bloody beautiful, Baz.” Simon hadn’t meant to say it out loud, really, it just sort of happened, but he’s not mad about it. Baz is blushing harder now, the flush spreading to his neck and his lips falling open.

“Christ, Simon.” He whispers. Simon smiles at him, pressing another kiss over his stomach, his  _ abs.  _

God bless whoever invented football. 

“Can I?” Simon asks, fingers playing with the edge of Baz’s pants. 

“Yes, yeah, do it.” He says impatiently. Simon smiles to himself, rapidly undoing the button and pulling them down. 

“You too.” Baz whispers and Simon nods, taking off his own jeans rapidly. Baz starts tugging at Simon’s shirt, and Simon’s entire brain zeroes on that. 

_ No.  _

_ Focus, Simon. _

“Ah- Baz, Baz- wait, I’d- I’d like to keep it on.” He forces out, his throat suddenly dry. Baz looks at him surprised, but recovers quickly. 

“Of course.” He whispers on Simon’s lips, pulling him down once again and Simon lets the feeling of his mouth ground him back in the moment, on Baz.

_ Focus, Simon.  _

Then Baz rolls his hips and Simon’s brain short-circuit. Simon moans in Baz’s mouth, the friction feels amazing, even with both their underwear on. 

“God, Simon.” Baz moans, and Simon never thought his name could sound like a prayer. 

Simon quickly removes Baz’s pants, and then his own. 

He looks down at Baz’s hard cock, standing proud and flushed. It makes Simon’s mouth water. 

It’s not like in the club earlier, Simon isn’t nearly as drunk as before, and can appreciate the small details of Baz’s body. 

He is the most gorgeous human being Simon has ever seen. 

He leans down to kiss at around Baz’s cock, fully enjoying the way he squirms, writhes under him. 

“Simon.” Baz moans, pulling at his hair.

“Yes, darlin’?”    
“Stop  _ teasing.”  _ Baz almost growls, and really how can Simon say no to that? 

So he takes Baz’s cock between his lips, bobs his head up and down quickly, holding his hips down. 

“Fuck.” Baz curses and it runs down to Simon’s hard dick. He takes more of Baz in his mouth, takes it all, eager and  _ hungry,  _ and swallows around the crown a couple of times, ripping a string of moans and curses from Baz, his voice like honey.

“God, Simon.” Baz says again, and Simon would give him anything, everything. 

Simon hums around his dick, then pulls back to look up at Baz, grey eyes blown wide and dark. He lifts one hand to cup his cheek, pulling down his bottom lip and pressing to fingers at his mouth.

“Suck.” He says, and something dark flashes in Baz’s eyes, and he does, sucking the fingers into his mouth like he would do to Simon’s dick.

Simon would know, Baz has sucked his cock multiple times by now. 

“Shit, Baz.” He whispers, and Baz smirks, moaning a little around his fingers and it’s so fucking hot.

Simon might come just by watching him, untouched. 

Instead, he blinks himself back into the moment, pulls the fingers away from Baz’s mouth and replaces them with his tongue. 

He reaches down again, starts circling at Baz’s entrance with a spit-slicked finger. 

He feels Baz arch into him, and Simon brushes his free hands along the perfect curve of his back and ass, squeezing, pushing the first finger in. Baz moans again, louder this time, and Simon kisses his way down Baz’s chest again so he can go back at sucking his cock, which he was enjoying very much.

“S- fuck, Simon, God.” Baz’s voice cracks a bit, and Simon would smile if his mouth wasn’t busy, so instead he sucks arounder, pumping his finger in and out of Baz’s ass, feeling Baz shiver under him.

It’s amazing, it’s so fucking good.

“Shit, Simon, I’m- I’m-

Simon doesn’t pull back, swallows again and then Baz is coming down SImon’s throat again, salty and hot and white and  _ delicious.  _

Simon licks his cock clean, and Baz whimpers, eyes trailing every single movement Simon does. He withdraws his hand from Baz’s body, eliciting an hiss from Baz.

Baz pulls him up, crashing their mouth together, and Simon reaches down, starts jerking himself off, until Baz bats his hand away so he can do it himself.

Baz’s slender fingers are cool on his burning skin, and they wrap around Simon’s leaking cock like they were made for it, and Baz jerks him off rapidly, messily and it really doesn’t take long before Simon is coming, all over Baz’s stomach and chest.

“Shit, Baz, fuck.” Baz kisses him again, and Simon melts in it, letting Baz swallow his moans.

At some point, he pulls back so he can take a good look at him.

Baz is a disaster. He’s basically covered in cum. Nothing in his life could have prepared him for such a scene. He looks absolutely debauched. 

It’s so hot. 

“Fuck, Baz.” He murmurs, looking up to meet Baz’s eyes. Baz is smiling, a soft, satisfied smirk. Simon  _ has  _ to kiss him. So he does. 

Then he gets up, ignoring Baz’s groan of protest, and walks to the bathroom to get a wet cloth. He cleans himself and Baz up, and then falls on the bed, beside Baz.

“Jesus.” Simon says, eyes heavy. 

“Yeah.” Baz agrees. “Let’s get to bed.” 

“Mhm.” They get under the blanket and Baz turns off the light. Simon feels Baz hesitating, and Simon sighs. He looks for Baz’s hand and when he finds it he pulls the other boy closer, curling around him. 

“Is this okay?” Baz asks, and Simon snorts, eyes already closed. 

“I had your dick down my throat like five minutes ago, Baz. I think we’re past this.” Baz laughs, and Simon feels it reverberate against his chest. 

“Alright.” 

“Baz? Did you like it?” 

“Do you really have to ask that?” 

“I just- I want to make sure.” 

“Yes, Snow. I enjoyed our intercourse.” 

“Arse.” 

“You like it.”

“I do.” Simon yawns, then presses another kiss on Baz’s head, nuzzling in his neck. “G’dnight, Baz.” 

“Simon?” 

“Mh?” 

“Why do you always want to keep your shirt on?” Simon knows it was bound to happen. He’s surprised Baz restrained from asking for two entire weeks.

“‘S nothin.” Simon says, ignoring the memories tugging at the edge of his brain. He’s not going to have a panic attack tonight. “Sleep, Baz.” He whispers, holding him tighter. 

“Tell me?” Simon shakes his head. 

“Not tonight.” He answers, sighing. Baz nods, finally relaxing in Simon’s arms. It’s good. 

More than good. 

Perfect. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are always appreciated, I love reading what you guys think!


	6. when the party's over

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi kiddos, what's up?  
> This chapter is hella long, so like, BE READY  
> It's also angsty, but also smutty and also very soft.  
> As usual, comments and kudos are always appreciated!  
> (Catch me on tumblr as JCMadGirl)
> 
> Song: when the party's over by Billie Eilish
> 
> Warnings:  
> -Mentions of child abuse  
> -Nightmares  
> -Simon lowkey had a panic attack  
> -Baz being soft  
> -Smut  
> -Mentions of Non-con  
> -Unspecified eating disorders

_ [Don't you know too much already? _

_ I'll only hurt you if you let me _

_ Call me friend, but keep me closer _

_ (Call me back) _

_ And I'll call you when the party's over] _

**SIMON**

Simon wakes up not tired, which is weird. 

He also wakes up not being scared or cold or in pain. Which is weirder. 

He stirs, only to find out Baz is still asleep and that he can’t feel his arm. He smiles to himself, reaching for his phone without waking Baz. 

It’s half past eleven. He should probably go home. Davy likes to have lunch together on Sundays. 

The last thing he wants to do after last night is go home to Davy. 

_ Focus, Simon.  _

Instead of getting up he turns back to Baz, curling around him like he did last night. Baz is mostly naked, except for his boxers. Simon watches him sleep, letting the steady rhythm of his heart calm him. Baz has all his hair fanned around his face, like a black halo. 

He’s painfully beautiful. 

It feels like a dream.

He presses a kiss on his temple, and Baz smiles, eyes still closed. 

“Hello, darlin’.” Simon says, voice groggy with sleep. Baz turns so they’re chest to chest and slowly opens his eyes. 

“Hi.” He says and Simon smiles at him. Apparently, Baz is incredibly soft in the morning. Good to know. 

“I have to go.” Simon says, grimacing. Baz sighs, rubbing his eyes. 

“Right.” He murmurs. Simon pulls him in for a kiss and Baz melts against him. It’s good. It’s so fucking good. 

“Let’s get you some food.” Baz says, stretching. Simon lets his eyes roam over the miles of skin exposed under his eyes. 

“You’re so fucking fit, babe.” Baz gives him a playful smile, turning on his stomach. 

“Is that why you came to all my games?” 

“It’s because you were plotting and I needed to keep an eye on you.” 

“Of course. Not because you find me ‘so fucking fit’.” Baz is smirking, and Simon laughs, pushing him on his back again so he can he kiss him.

They spend another half an hour snogging. 

“Baz, I really gotta go. Davy wants to have lunch together.” He says, getting up. Baz nods, rolling his eyes.

“I know, I know. I would never keep the Golden Boy from his duties.” 

“Sorry. We can go out tonight?” 

“I need to check my agenda.” Baz says, staring at his manicured hands, but he’s got that face he makes when he’s trying to hide a smile. He steals another kiss from him before getting up. 

He puts his jeans and shoes back on, with Baz staring at him from the bed. He seems to appreciate the view. It makes Simon blush. 

Eventually Baz stands up, and Simon pulls him in for another kiss. He’ll never get tired of kissing Baz. Baz wraps himself in a velvety robe and leads him back downstairs to the main door.

“I’ll text you later.” Simon says, and Baz nods.

“You better. I need constant attention.” Simon laughs, tugging his hair behind his ears. 

“See you later, Baz.” Baz nods, so Simon forces himself to leave the house, closing the door behind himself. He smiles all the way home. 

**BAZ**

“Was that Simon Snow?” Malcolm asks, and Baz whips around, hand still on the door.

“Father?” 

“Answer me.” Baz is starting to panic. They’re alone, there’s no one around. He forces himself to stay calm. 

“Perhaps.” Baz answers, starting to walk away. The sooner he can leave, the better.

“And why was he here?” Malcolm sounds angry, which really doesn’t surprise Baz.

“I don’t recall it being your business, Father.” He says, and Malcolm’s eye twitches. Baz feels his lips curling into a sneer. 

“You’re not entertaining a relationship with Simon Snow, are you?” 

“He’s not my boyfriend.” Baz says, and it’s not a lie. It makes Baz’s chest tighten a little. “We just went to a party last night and he slept over. Nothing more than that.” 

“He’s Simon Snow, he’s Davy’s  _ son _ .”    
“So?” Malcolm shakes his head, disappointment clear on his face. It makes Baz want to rip his hair out. 

“You really are obtuse when you want to be. He’s the  _ enemy.”  _

“Father-

“I will not have in my home anymore, Basilton.”    
“It’s my home too.” Baz forces himself to stay calm, keep his cool. “Actually, it’s more mine than yours, isn’t it? Pitch Manor? Rings a bell?” 

“You really think that? If your mother knew about you  _ tendencies,  _ do you think she would be proud?” Baz doesn’t answer, because he doesn’t know. He always wanted to think that his mother would have loved him no matter what, but she was old school, just like Malcolm. 

It seems that Malcolm is perfectly aware of what he’s thinking, and his next words are dripping with venom. 

“She would be so disgusted of you, Basilton. She would  _ hate  _ you.” 

It’s like getting punched. Worse, even, because Baz has been punched a few times, by Snow, and this is  _ worse _ .

He should be used to this by now. Reminding Baz how much of a disappointment he is it’s Malcolm’s favorite hobby. Instead, it still hurts, deep in his chest. 

“You will stop seeing him immediately.” 

“No.” Baz says, trying to keep his voice steady. “I’ll do whatever I want.” 

Malcolm sighs, deeply. 

“Fine, then. Do as you please, but don’t come crying to me when he leaves you.” 

Baz’s sneer falters. Malcolm looks smug. 

“You know he will, Basilton. Has he found out how much of a disaster you really are? Does he knows about your past?” 

Baz stays silent, because there’s nothing he could say. 

“He doesn’t, does he? I thought so.” Malcolm gives him another smile, saccharine and sharp. “Do you think he’ll want to be with you, once he knows?”   
“He’s not like that.” Baz finds himself saying. Snow might have one single brain cell, but he’s a good person. The  _ good-est  _ person Baz knows. 

“He’s the Golden Boy, Basilton, you know that better than anyone else. Do you really think someone like him could love someone like you?” 

Baz turns on his heels and leaves. He hears Malcolm snicker quietly, but he doesn’t care. 

He runs back to his room and finds Niall, talking on the phone, looking grim. He hangs up immediately when he sees Baz.

“Baz?” 

“Hey, Niall.” Baz’s voice is steady, but he can feel tears prickling at his eyes, so he turns around, away from Niall’s face, and swallows them down.

_ Get a grip, Pitch. _

“Baz?” Niall calls again, putting one hand on his shoulder. Baz exhales deeply, willing himself to be okay. It’s fine. It’s not like Malcolm said anything untrue. It’s okay.

“Yes, sorry. Who was at the phone?” He gives Niall a smile, and his best friend frowns, not looking convinced at all. 

“Mate-

“I’m okay. So, who were you talking to?” Niall’s eyes are dark. 

“My family.” He says in the end, dropping on the couch like a dead weight. He rubs his eyes, looking tired. 

That’s new.

“What did they want?” 

“My grandmother died.” Niall sighs, staring at his phone. “They want me to go to the funeral.” 

“Do you want to go?” 

“I don’t know.” Niall answers, uncertainty clear on his face. “She was a real bitch to me.” 

“I think you should go.” Baz says, sitting down with him. 

“Really?”

“Yes. Look, I don’t know much about your family, only that they were real assholes to you for an unspecified reason, but maybe they’ve changed.” 

“Or maybe they haven’t.” Niall replies, and in that moment the door flies open and Dev comes in, grinning like an idiot. 

“Good morning, boys.” 

“It’s noon.” Baz says, shooting him a glare. Niall doesn’t even look up, still staring at his phone. Dev closes the door and sits down on the other side of Niall.

“What’s going on here? Did someone die?” Dev asks and Baz slaps his head from behind.

“My grandmother.” Niall answers, and Dev cringes.

“Shit, I’m sorry.”   
“It’s okay, she was a mean old lady.” Niall runs one hand through his red hair, closing his eyes. “My family wants me go to the funeral, but I don’t know if I should. Baz says I should.” 

Dev is silent for a minute, frowning.

“I think so too.”    
“Why?” 

“I don’t know, man, you never talk about them. Maybe this is your chance to build some bridges, reconnect with them, you know?” 

“You don’t know what happened.”   
“Yeah, because you never told us.” Baz says. 

“My grandmother had my mother estranged from the family when she got pregnant with me. She was barely seventeen, I never even met my dad.” Niall looks like he’s about to cry, and Dev puts one arm around his shoulders, pulling him close. Baz leans in with them, trying to offer as much support as he can.

“That’s fucked up, Niall.”   
“Yeah, it was. Then my mother died of cancer when I was nine, and the rest of my family did nothing about it.” Niall sounds angry now, understandably so. He stands up abruptly, fishing a packet of cigarettes from his pockets and bringing one to his lips. 

“Christ, Niall. Why have you never said anything?” 

“Because I want nothing to do with them.” Niall says lowly, trying to light his cigarette with shaking hands. 

“I’m sorry.” Dev says, and Baz nods. They exchange a look between them, then Baz looks over at Niall, on the balcony. 

“But if you want to go, we’ll come with you.” 

“Really?”    
“Of course, man. We’re family.” Niall looks like he’s on the verge of a breakdown, so Baz stands up and pulls him into a hug, nodding at Dev to come over too. 

“Baz, I didn’t know you were such a sap.” Niall says, wiping his cheeks. Baz steals his cigarette, glaring at him. 

“I’m not.” 

“Snow really is making you soft.” Baz rolls his eyes, groaning. When he turns back, he finds that Dev still hasn’t let go of Niall, and the redhead is leaning in heavily on his side. Cute. 

“Dev, how did your night with Wellbelove go?” Baz says, eyes bouncing between the two of them. 

“It was good. She’s leaving.” Dev smiles softly, and Baz stares at him.   
“To go where?” He asks.

“California.”   
“In America? Why?” 

That’s also unexpected news. Big day today.

“Because she doesn’t want to be in London anymore.” Dev replies. Baz isn’t sure he’s hearing right. 

“She’s moving  _ permanently _ ?”   
“She’s going to go to college there, so I think so.” Niall blinks.

“Wow, that’s bold.” 

“So, do you plan on seeing her again?” Dev nods.

“Yes, but as friends. It’s not like this relation has a future. She’s moving at the end of summer.”    
“Sucks mate, I know you had a bit of crush on her.” Niall says, still pressed up against Dev. Dev shrugs.   
“It’s not a big deal. She’s an amazing girl, but we were not meant to be.”   
“That’s weirdly mature of you.” Baz says, and Dev glares at him.

“Fuck off, Baz.” 

Baz sneers at him, then looks back at Niall, who is looking at his phone again.

“Niall? Let us know what you want to do. We’ll book plane tickets if you want to go.” 

“Thanks, guys.” 

**AGATHA**

Agatha stares at herself in the mirror, after the shower.

Dev just left. 

Agatha smiles at herself, her mind flying back to their conversation last night. She hasn’t told anyone she got into college in California, not even her parents. It’s weird that the first one she told was Dev Grimm. 

She should really tell her parents, and her friends. Simon has been spending more time with Baz so he’s bound to find out, and she wants to be the one to break the news. 

She finishes drying her hair and dresses up. Downstairs Maria is making lunch, and Agatha can smell the food from upstairs. 

“Good morning, Agatha. How are you?”    
“Great, Maria, thanks. Hey, do you know when my parents will be back?” 

“No, I’m sorry, love.” Agatha feels the usual sting that comes with absent parents, but forces herself to ignore it. She’s used to it anyway. 

“Don’t worry.”   
“Something’s wrong?”    
“No, I- I wanted to tell them about California, but I guess it can wait.” Maria already knows too, obviously. Agatha tells her everything. And she’s the one that gets their mail. 

“Ah, I understand, love. Why don’t you call them? I’m sure they’ll come home sooner if you need them.” Agatha scoffs, picking at her food.

“I highly doubt that.” She says, trying to sound not too bitter. Maria gazes at her, and at the plate of food in front of Agatha. 

“Eat, Agatha.” Agatha nods, taking a deep breathe. The first bites are always the hardest, but she is hungry. They did skip breakfast after all. The food is amazing as always, Maria is an amazing cook, thank God. 

“I’ll call them after lunch.” Agatha says, because she knows that if she calls them now she will not eat her lunch. And she has to. She  _ wants  _ to. 

“Good girl.” Maria sits down with her own plate and she catches Agatha up to the last episode of The Bachelor. They usually watch it together, but Agatha was out the last time. 

It takes longer than it should, but Agatha manages to clean the plate, and Rosa smiles proudly at her, as if she just performed a surgery. 

Agatha used to think it was stupid, the way everyone looked at her everytime she finished her food, as if she just completely a hard task instead of a really basic thing. At some point she decided she really didn’t care. 

“I’m going to make that call.” Agatha grabs her phone, kissing Maria on the cheek as she leaves the kitchen. Their house is huge, way too big for only her and Maria.

When she was dating Simon, years ago, she used to think that one day she’ll have a family of her own to fill all the rooms. 

Then, a couple years ago, it turned out she couldn’t even eat a bowl of cereal without wanting to throw it up immediately after, and the emptiness of the house started to feel heavier. Larger. 

Maybe she was just hungry. 

Anyway. 

Her mom’s phone is ringing and ringing, and she’s about to hang up when she finally answers. 

“ _ Agatha! Is everything okay, babe? _ ” Her mother sounds happy. They’re probably in a car, Agatha can hear the wind in the background. 

“Yes, I need to talk to you about something, though. When are you coming home?”   
_ “Not soon, I’m afraid. But tell me anyway, I’m listening. _ ” Agatha sighs. Figures. 

It doesn’t really matters anyway, Agatha guesses. 

“I’m going to college in California.” She says, and it’s not a question. 

_ “What? Since when? _ ”   
“I got in Berkley. I just found out yesterday.”

_ “I didn’t even know you applied!”  _

_ As if you know anything about me at all. _

“I did. And I got in. So I’m going. I’m leaving at the end of the summer.”

“ _ We’ll talk about it when we get home next week, okay? _ ”

“Sure, mom.”   
_ “I have to go. Bye, babe, see you soon!” _

Agatha hangs up. She feels lighter. 

She’s going to America. 

She’s going to California, and she won’t have to live in such a empty house anymore. She opens her laptop and starts looking at the university dorms. 

**SIMON**

Davy isn’t home tonight. Sometimes he does that, disappears for a few days without saying a word and leaves Simon to fend for himself. 

Simon loves having the house for himself, though, so it’s okay. He made Baz dinner, which is more than okay. 

He even lit some candles he found somewhere in the house. Romantic. Baz seems to agree, moaning in Simon’s mouth. 

They’re back in Simon’s room now, his bedside lamp throwing a golden light in the room.

Simon pulls Baz closer, licking into his mouth and biting at his lips. Baz is making all this pretty sounds and Simon feels high. He wants more. 

He pushes Baz against the door, crowding him in his arms and gives him a kiss that leaves them both panting and aching for more. 

“Snow-

“Call me Simon.” Baz sneers, because everything is a fight with him.

“Make me.” He says, and Simon growls, taking his wrist and pushing Baz on the bed. He spreads Baz’s knees apart, making himself comfortable between his legs. He presses up against him, makes sure that Baz can feel his hard-on against his ass. Baz moans, throwing back his head, which leaves his neck exposed. Simon throws himself on it, licking and sucking and doesn’t even care when a pretty mark starts to appear under his tongue. 

The thought of everybody knowing that Baz belongs to him is intoxicating. 

He starts undoing the first couple of buttons of his shirt, kissing the skin as he goes. He moves slowly, thrusting against Baz’s ass as if he’s got all the time in the world. And he does, and he’s going to use it to make Baz scream his name. 

Baz is writhing and squirming under him by the time he has undone all the buttons, lips parted as he gasps for air. 

He looks at him, stares right into his eyes, head tilted to the side. 

“You alright, Baz? You’re looking a bit flustered.” He says, fully enjoying the homicidal glare Baz gives him, 

“Don’t flatter yourself, Snow. You’re not that good.” Simon smirks. 

“Okay, then, you won’t mind if I do this.” He pinches Baz’s nipple between his fingers, and it rips a moan out of him. So he pinches harder, twisting a bit, and Baz arches on the bed, his fingers digging in Simon’s shoulders. 

“I don’t mind at all, Snow.” Baz says, hands tugging at the blonde curls. 

“No? How about this?” Simon sucks the tortured nipple into his mouth, licks and bites gently and Baz’s thighs tighten on his sides. Simon smiles against his skin, and kisses his way down his stomach, stopping right above the his trousers. 

“Do you want me to take them off, Baz?” He asks, fingers playing with the zip. He looks back at him, grey eyes straight up shining, blown dark and wide. “You look like you could you use a hand.” Baz smiles at his stupid joke, and Simon grins back, before pressing his hand down on Baz’s crotch. Baz buckles against his palm, chasing the friction with another groan, but Simon pulls his hand away immediately. 

“Fuck you, Snow.” 

“You know what you have to, Baz.” Simon does pull Baz’s trousers down his legs.ì, though. He brushes his fingertips over Baz’s naked thigh, pressing his lips on the inner part of it, delighted when Baz shivers under him. 

“You’re a nightmare, Snow.”   
“You like it.” He says, and then starts mouthing at Baz’s clothed cock. Baz’s fingers pulls at his hair, which Simon takes as a good sign, so he licks the fabric wet, his own hands gripping tightly at his thighs, so hard that he might be leaving marks. 

“You’re right I do like it.” Baz sighs, pulling Simon’s head up so he can look at him. “You know what I would like more, though?” Simon is already pulling down his pants. “When you suck my cock with those pretty lips of yours.” 

Simon can’t resist when Baz talks dirty like that, and Baz knows it. There’s just such a contrast, between his filthy words and his elegant mouth, it drives Simon crazy. 

So yeah. He wraps his lips around the head of his cock, tasting precum on his tongue. Every single part of Baz’s body tastes like Heaven, Simon knows. He’s spent the better part of the last two weeks and a half savoring every bit of him.

He sucks at the crown for a few second, wrapping one hand at the base, before going down and swallowing him whole. 

He’s not as good as Baz at sucking cock, lacks some of the finesse that is intrinsic of every movement Baz does, but he makes up for it with enthusiasm. He flicks his tongue over the head, grazing gently with his teeth over the shaft, because Baz likes it rough and with a bit of pain, Simon has discovered. 

Baz’s thighs are quivering, so Simon pulls off. He wipes his mouth with the back of his hand, the loud groan Baz makes music to his ears. He gives Baz’s cock a few good strokes. 

“Ready to concede?” Simon asks, Bas shakes his head, squeezing his eyes shut. He takes a deep breathe. 

“Christ, Snow.” Simon leans down to kiss him again, and Baz melts under him. “You’re a menace.”   
“You’ve mentioned.” Simon reaches into his bedside table to get the lube, and after a moment of hesitation he grabs a condom too.

Even though neither of them is a virgin, they’ve never had sex. Simon has fingered him in before, but they’ve never gone past that. He looks at Baz, and he’s about to say something when Baz pulls him in another kiss, effectively shutting him up.

Simon decides he’ll figure it out when they get there. 

As of right now he focuses on kissing Baz, losing himself in the slide of tongues and the wet warmth of Baz’s mouth. There’s a lot of biting and lip-pulling, and Simon will never tire of kissing Baz. Kissing Baz feels like breathing. 

Eventually, he has to pull away though, because he wants to put his mouth to other use. 

He slides down along Baz’s body again, pushing his legs apart one more time. 

He presses a kiss where his leg and body meet, and then leans down to lick tentatively at Baz’s hole. 

Baz screams so loud that Simon is scared he's done something wrong. 

“Fuck, Simon, what the-

“You called me Simon.” He interrupts, grinning. Baz blushes, scowling. 

“Stop talking nonsense and put your tongue back there.” He says, and Simon huffs a laugh. He pours some lube on his fingers, warming it up. 

“Yeah? You liked that?” Baz swallows, and Simon watches his Adam’s apple bob. 

“You should do it again. For- science. Further confirmation.” He says, voice straining a little. Simon laughs quietly, pressing a finger at his entrance.

“You’re unbelievable.” He says. 

“And you’re a disaster, Snow.” 

“Simon.” He corrects, pushing the finger inside. Baz groans, fists tight around the sheets. 

“God, Simon.” He purrs, and Simon knows he’s won. Victory has never tasted better. He pulls out his finger, making Baz whimper, and he immediately replaces it with his tongue. 

He licks, pushing his tongue inside. He tastes like bergamot and cider, and something sweeter and sharper, something entirely Baz. 

Simon grabs his cheeks and spreads them apart, fully burying his face in his ass. Baz is making all sorts of noises, moans and curses and gasps filling the room. Simon wants more wants to take everything Baz will give him. 

He pours some more lube in his hand without stopping his ministrations, and gently pushes a finger inside his hole, along with his tongue.

“Fuck, Simon- fuck, fuck-

“Good?” He whispers, and Baz shivers when his breath hits him. 

“Yeah, fuck- Simon, fuck, it’s so fucking good-

“You taste amazing, darlin’.” Baz fucking whimpers and Simon’s rock hard. He pushes another finger in, scissoring open and lifting his head to look at Baz, who looks fucking  _ debauched _ . “Fuck, you’re so beautiful, Baz.” Baz’s eyes fall close at that, he turns his head away, as if he can’t handle the compliments. Simon makes a note of showering him with praises. 

“Simon, more- Christ, more,  _ fuck- _

Simon obliges him, slipping a third finger in and Baz rocks back against his hand, the movement of his hips hypnotizing. 

“Baz- Baz can I- 

“ _ Fuck me,  _ Simon.” Baz says, and Simon stills. His mind feels heavy with pleasure and lust, and there’s a tight, burning feeling at the bottom of his stomach, but he needs to  _ think.  _ He needs to make sure Baz wants this as much as Simon. 

“Baz, are you sure?” He asks, cupping his face with his free hand. Baz nods, smiling. It’s the softest smile Simon has ever seen on his face.

“Yeah.” He answers. 

“You can tell me to stop at any moment.” Baz pulls him in a quick kiss. 

“I’m not a delicate virgin, Simon.”   
“I know, neither am I- I just- I- I want it to be good, you know?” 

“It will be. Now get back to it.” Simon smiles, chest swelling with happiness. He removes his hand from Baz’s ass, drawing another moan from him. He rapidly takes off his jeans, leaving his shirt on, and opens the condom packet with his teeth. He rolls it on, pouring a generous amount of lube on his hand and slicking himself up. He’s painfully hard by now, having dragged it out much longer than necessary. 

He lines up, looking back at Baz one more time, searching for any sign of discomfort. He only finds lust and something deeper that Simon doesn’t have time to figure out. 

He slides in slowly, gently, leaning on his elbows at either side of Baz’s face. Baz’s hands come up to slide over his back, under his shirt, then lower to cup his ass and it’s the last push Simon needs to fully thrust in. Baz is moaning loudly under him. 

“Fuck, Baz, you’re so tight.” He grits out, the heat blinding. “You feel so fucking good.” Baz is panting a little, eyes bright when he looks up at Simon.

“Simon, move.” He orders and Simon agrees. He bottoms out slowly, dragging a long whine from him. “Christ, Simon, fucking-

He thrusts back in faster, now. He picks up the pace, rocking inside Baz’s welcoming body, and Baz’s rocks back, until they’re moving in sync and it’s so good, it’s fucking perfect and it feels like puzzle pieces sliding in place. Simon leans down to bite at his shoulder, Baz’s hand pulling his hair, nails dragging over his back. Simon moves a hand to press his hip down and holding his steady, and then starts pounding into him. Baz is screaming, screaming his name and profanities, so loud that his voice will be hoarse once they’re done. 

He groans into Baz’s shoulder, Baz is shivering under him, his legs are wrapped around his waist and they’re quivering. 

“Fuck, Baz- fuck- 

It seems to last forever and for only a second at the same time, the wet sound of his cock sliding out of his dripping hole, the slap of skin against skin, their moans and groans, gasping for air, the curses and the open-mouthed kisses. 

Simon feels the pressure building up, takes the hand off Baz’s hip to start stroking his cock in rhythm with his thrusts and Baz’s back arches, while he spills all over his stomach and Simon’s hand. 

Simon feels Baz’s hole clenching around his dick and it’s the last push he needs before he tumbles off the edge. He keeps moving, riding the waves of the best orgasm he’s ever had, Baz going slack under him. 

Once his brain starts functioning again he pulls out gently, removing the condom and throwing it on the floor. Baz has his eyes closed, a smile on his lips and he looks gorgeous. 

“Baz?” He whispers, and Baz opens his eyes, hand coming up to cup Simon’s face. 

“That might have been the best fuck I’ve ever had.” He says, and Simon smiles at him, pride swelling in his chest. 

“That good, uh?” He asks, a bit breathless and Baz laughs, quietly, Simon feels it rumble against his chest. 

“Don’t flatter yourself, Snow. There’s always room for improvement.” 

“Guess we’ll just have to keep practicing.” Baz nods, and Simon gets up to grab a wet towel from his bathroom. He cleans the cum off Baz’s body and then lays down, wrapping himself around Baz. He presses a kiss on Baz’s hair, running his fingers through it. 

Then Baz gets up. 

“Where are you going?” Baz is already pulling on his pants.

“Home.” He replies, all the warmth gone from his voice. Simon frowns.

“What? Why?” 

“We fucked. Time to leave.” 

Simon is clearly missing a piece.

“You don’t have to leave.” Simon wishes Baz would look at him, so he can figure out what’s gotten into him all of a sudden. “Baz?”    
“We’re not a couple, Snow.” He says as if that would explain everything. It doesn’t. Simon really hates being stupid sometimes.

“So? It doesn’t mean you have to leave.”   
“Yes, it does. You got what you wanted, so I’m gonna go home-

Simon takes his wrist and pulls him back to bed, forcing Baz look at him. 

“Talk to me, Baz. What happened?” 

“Nothing happened. We agreed to keep things casual, so that’s what I’m doing.” He says, and his eyes are hard, all traces of the softness from before gone. Simon’s heart clenches. 

Baz is right, of course, but Simon doesn’t want him to leave. He wants to hold Baz close, and kiss his mean mouth and run his fingers through his hair and tell him he’s beautiful. Maybe these thoughts are too soft for their relationship, which is not a relationship at all as Baz kindly pointed out, but Simon doesn’t care. 

“Stay.” Baz sighs, looking dejected. 

“Simon-

“We’re friends, Baz. Friends hang out.” Baz looks torn. He’s got that frown between his eyebrows, and Simon wants to kiss it away. So he does. He leans in and he kisses him. Baz goes pliant under his lips once more and Simon cups his cheek again, tilting his head to a better angle. Baz is the first one to pull away.

“Stay.” Simon says again, and Baz nods. Then he nods again, more convinced, and takes off his shirt again. 

“Give me a hoodie, Snow.” 

**

Simon can feel Baz’s eyes on him. They’re still in Simon’s bed and Baz is wearing one of Simon’s hoodie, an old thing in a deep red, soft and worn. He looks cozy. 

They’re watching Doctor Who reruns on his computer. Baz has never seen it, which is absurd, so Simon made it his personal mission in life to make him watch it. 

Except, Baz is not even looking at the screen.

“Stop staring at me, Baz.” Simon says, pushing his face away with a smile. Baz snickers.

“It’s not my fault you have a stupid face, Snow.”   
“If my face is so stupid, then stop staring at it.” 

“No, I’m good, thanks.” Simon rolls his eyes, pulling him in for another kiss. 

“Wanker.” 

“Tosser.” 

“You’re insufferable.” 

“And you’re annoying.” Baz is glaring at him, arms crossed over his chest. Simon only smiles at him, blowing him a kiss.

“You like it.”   
“I don’t.”   
“Yes, you do.” Simon wiggles his eyebrows, and that seems to rip a chuckle out of Baz. 

“Christ, Snow. How are you even  _ real?”  _ Baz says, climbing on Simon’s lap. He leans down to kiss him, and Simon smiles against his lips, hands coming up to Baz’s side. His cock twitches in his pants, ready for a round two of mind-blowing sex.

“What do you mean?” He mumbles, the words half swallowed by Baz’s hungry mouth. 

“You’re unbelievable. You truly have no idea.” 

“What are you even talking about?” Simon is laughing, and Baz smiles and it’s so pretty. It’s good and perfect and Simon has never been so happy. “Are you staying the night? Davy won’t be home for a couple of days.”

“No, I have to go home. Niall’s not doing great.”   
“Why? Is something wrong?” 

“Well, his grandmother just died, but she was a bitch, so there are some mixed feelings involved in the situation.”   
“Shit, tell him I’m sorry.”   
“Will do.” Baz kisses him again, and Simon pulls him closer.

He’s not sure why they spent so much time fighting when they could have done this since day one. So much time wasted. 

Oh well.

Simon is determined to make up for all the time lost. 

Baz rests his head on Simon’s chest, and Simon starts trading his fingers through his hair. It’s calming, soothing. 

Baz’s fingers are playing with the hem of Simon’s shirt. 

“I know you don’t want to tell me.” Baz begins, and Simon already knows where this is going. “But you can, if you want to.” 

Simon’s chest feels tight. 

“It’s just- It’s not- not pretty.” He says. Baz looks up, meeting his eyes. Simon’s voice feels stuck in his throat. 

“You think I’m that shallow?” Simon shrugs. He doesn’t know what he thinks. Baz is perfect, planes of muscle and miles of smooth skin. No scars or broken edges. 

“Snow?” 

“No, I-it’s not, uhm, not- not that- it’s- you- you’re not like- and I’m like-

“Shut up, Snow.” Simon is more than happy to, closing his mouth. 

One day, _ one day _ he’ll be able to say something without tripping over the words. 

Until then, he’s happy to leave all the talking to Baz. 

Except, that Baz doesn’t say anything. 

He’s still playing with the hem of his shirt, long fingers pulling at the fabric. 

Simon looks up at him, and finds uncertainty in his eyes. Which is weird, because Baz is never uncertain about anything. He’s confident, and bold and self-assured. 

Simon’s chest tightens. 

_ I did that. _

He sits up and pulls off his shirt.

“Snow, what the- Christ.” 

Simon knows it’s bad. It’s way he avoids mirror like the plague after a shower, why he could never strip in front of Agatha, or anyone else.

For a second, a long, horrible, terrifying second, Simon is afraid that Baz will leave. That Baz will make fun of him, or poke at the scars and or something cruel. He doesn’t, though. 

Instead, Baz brushes his fingers over his skin, over the uneven edges of a scar. It makes Simon shivers, unwanted memories pulling at his brain. 

_ Pain and blood and screams, the distant knowledge that he shouldn’t be able to see his bone poking through his skin.  _

“What the fuck happened to you?” Baz’s voice is hard, and it makes Simon flinch. He wants to put his shirt back on. 

“I told you I was a messed up kid.” Simon offers a weak smile, and Baz’s eyes are soft, softer than they have ever been. 

“What happened?” Simon hesitates, his hands are shaking. “You don’t have to tell me.” 

“No, it’s okay.” He whispers. He licks at his lips, his throat suddenly dry. “I, uh- I was in foster care, I was like, ten, and this- there was this guy that- we fought all the time. One day, he- pushed me? I guess? Anyway- I fell down a, like- like a hill, and broke my collarbone. And the bone- the bone cut, like, through- through the skin, you know?” 

Baz stares. He stares like he can’t believe what Simon is saying, and Simon looks away. 

_ Focus, Simon. _

He clears his throat again, trying to stay focused on the present. Baz’s fingers are still on the scar, old and pale. 

“Christ, Simon.” He smiles a little at the name, but Baz’s eyes are still roaming over his body. 

“Tell me. All of it.”    
“I- I can’t- Baz- it’s not- i don’t- 

_ I can’t tell you, because it’s too ugly, and you’ll think I’m too broken just like Davy does, and you’ll hate me too.  _

How does someone say that? It’s impossible. Simon can feel tears prickling at his eyes, and blinks them away, avoiding Baz’s eyes. He tries again, but no words come out, and it makes him want to rip his hair out. 

“Snow, stop.  _ Simon.”  _ Baz’s hands take his own, pulling them away from his hair. A few blond hairs come away with them, still tangled around his fingers.

_ Focus, Simon. _

“Christ, you really are a messed up one.” Baz whispers and he sounds angry.

“Sorry.”    
“What?  _ No,  _ fuck no. I didn’t mean it like that.” Baz exhales, still holding Simon’s hands. “I meant that  _ they  _ messed you up. It wasn’t your fault.” 

“You don’t know that.” 

“Tell me, then.” 

**BAZ** **  
** Simon might actually have a breakdown if Baz keeps talking. He has always been an asshole anyway. 

“Tell me, then.” Baz pushes Simon on his back again, and climbs back on his lap, sitting on his legs. He leans down to kiss the scar that Simon’s just talked about. 

His chest and back are a criss cross of scars, some clean lines, purposeful, other are more imprecise, uneven. Old and new, some look so recent that he could have gotten them last month. There are burns too, especially on his arms, that look a lot like cigarette burns, as if someone used him as an ashtray. And then there are bruises, that really must be recent. Mostly faded, leaving splashes of greens and yellows and reds. 

He wonders how he got those. 

Baz’s fingers linger over another scar, white and faded, a thin line over his heart. 

Simon shivers.

“Fell over a piece of glass.”

“You were pushed, you mean?” Simon looks away. “Snow.”   
“The- the, uh, foster father. Pushed me. Because I- I dropped his beer. And it broke- the glass, it broke and he pushed me- and he, uhm. Beated the shit out of me. Broke my ribs, also. A couple.” 

Baz can’t believe what he’s hearing. 

It turns out, a lot of his stories are like that one. 

Abusive foster parents of all sort, beating a kid for any little thing, a too loud laugh, dropping something, saying the wrong thing. Simon has always been clumsy, too loud and too chaotic, and he paid for it. The marks on his body are hard proof of that.

Baz didn’t even know someone could have such a collection of broken bones. 

But. 

The one that are more recent, Simon won’t talk about it. He clams up, eyes closed. 

“I can’t.” Simon says. 

They’re not as many as the older ones, but they’re more visible. Cleaner too. Precise. On purpose, Baz thinks. 

“Why not?”    
“I just can’t.” 

Baz nods then, because there’s no point in prying. If one day Simon will want to tell him, Baz promises him and himself that he’ll listen. 

As of right now, he just kisses each one of them. Traces a map on his skin, made of scars and moles. 

Then, Baz discovers, there were things that didn’t leave scars. Visible one at least. 

The constant hunger, small and dark spaces, getting locked out of the house all night because he missed curfew. It makes Baz’s blood boil with anger. 

If he ever gets his hands on these people he’ll make sure they get the same exact treatment they gave Simon. 

At some point, Simon stops talking, so Baz stops asking. Afterall, you can’t go through eleven years of horrible experiences in one night. 

“Simon?” He whispers. Simon’s eyes are absent, lost in another place, in another time. “Simon, hey.” Simon’s eyes slide back on Baz’s face, and he smiles. 

_ Christ. _

“Hi.” 

“You were looking a bit lost.” Simon shakes his head, still smiling. 

“I’m okay.” Baz pulls him close, wraps his arms around him, willing the pain away. 

“I know.” Simon looks up at him, and his smile falters a little. “I can see you overthinking, Simon.” 

“I just- if you- uh. If- if you want to go- I can- I mean, I- uh-

“What on Earth are you talking about?” 

“’s just- ’s a lot, an’, you know- i’d- I understand if-

Realization downs on Baz like a bucket of ice. 

_ If you want to go, I understand. _

And he’s still smiling.

Sure, he looks like he might have a complete mental breakdown at any second, but he’s still  _ smiling.  _

“Jesus fucking Christ, Simon. You’re so fucking stupid sometimes.” 

“Baz, I-

Whatever other bullshit he was about to say, is lost in their kiss. Baz didn’t realize how rigid Simon was until he  _ melts  _ against his lips, tension leaving his body all at once. 

“You’re an idiot. A strong, fearless, stupid idiot.” 

Simon laughs, and  _ thank fuck.  _

“I’m getting a bit of mixed signals here.” He says, eyes shining. 

“I'm only sending one signal, so clearly you’re- 

Simon kisses him again, the rest of his sentence lost in the warmth of Simon’s lips and body. 

When they have to break the kiss to breathe, Simon rests his head on Baz’s chest, and it’s Baz’s turn to run his fingers through that unruly mess on blond curls.

“Movie?” Simon asks, reaching for his computer on the bedside table. 

“Yes, but I pick.” 

**

_ Simon is cold. He’s freezing. It’s raining hard and it’s windy. He’s on top of a building, and he looks down, the ground far, far away.  _

_ “Jump.” He turns around slowly, scared of falling. Davy is staring at him, smiling calmly, as if he was talking about the grocery list.  _

_ Simon shakes his head. _

_ “I don’t want to.” He says. Davy tilts his head to the side, staring. _

_ “I didn’t ask. And I don’t care.”  _

_ “You’re my father.”  _

_ “I’m not. You have no one, Simon.”  _

_ “I have my friends. And Baz.”  _ _  
_ _ “Baz, really? Why would Baz be with you? You’re nothing. A waste of space.”  _ _  
_ _ Simon looks back to the void. His feet inch closer to the edge. Davy is laughing behind him.  _

_ “You’re lying.” Simon says, but his voice is lost in the wind.  _

_ “Not even your own mother wanted you, Simon.” Simon doesn’t look at Davy, he doesn’t want to see the cruel smile on his face.  _

_ He feels weirdly calm, almost as if this is exactly where he’s supposed to be, as if he waited his whole life to get here. Simon exhales. _

_ “Jump. Do it.” Simon stares some more, trying to find a reason not to, and comes up empty.  _

_ “You want to be a good son, right? You do want to make me proud, right, Simon?”  _

_ “Yes.” _

_ “Then jump.”  _ _  
_ _ Simon closes his eyes and steps forward.  _

“Wake up, Simon!” Simon sits up so fast he gets nausea. 

“Fuck.” He whispers, hands shaking. He pulls his knees up to his chest, trying to remember how breathing works, trying to push the feeling of free falling away. 

He’s not falling. He’s not. He’s _ not. _

“Simon.” The voice sounds muffled to his ears, far away and distant. He tugs at his hair, and the sharp sting is somewhat grounding. 

_ Focus, Simon. _

He’s afraid to open his eyes.

“Simon, look at me. You’re home, you’re safe.”    
Simon wants to laugh when he hears that because in his nineteen years of life home has  _ never  _ been safe. 

_ Focus, Simon. _

Maybe the voice belongs to Davy.

It would make sense, he was right there on top of the building, right behind Simon when he jumped and-

“ _ Simon.”  _ Simon opens his eyes and is met with grey. Grey eyes filled with worry and fear, grey eyes that Simon can’t quite place, because it doesn’t make sense, Davy does not have grey eyes- 

“Baz?” 

“Yeah, you idiot. It was a nightmare, Simon, it wasn’t real.” 

_ Focus, Simon. _

He nods, pulling his hands away from his hair before he rips it all out. He also realizes Baz is rubbing circles in his back. 

“Sorry I woke you.” Simon mumbles, dropping amongst the pillows of his bed again. His phone screen informs him it’s almost five a.m.

“It’s okay. I get them too.” Baz replies, laying down next to him. Simon’s heart is still racing, and he’s still very much shaking. He finds Baz’s hand between them and Baz squeezes back. 

“About what?” Baz exhales. Simon is sweating, it’s too hot in the room. He wraps himself around Baz, his skin cool and perfect against Simon’s burning one. 

“My mom, sometimes.” Simon has the distinctive feeling Baz isn’t telling the full truth, but so isn’t Simon. Baz pulls him closer, so Simon’s head is laying on his chest and Baz has an arm around his waist. He runs his hand through Simon’s messy curls, and Simon closes his eyes, enjoying the feeling. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Baz asks quietly and Simon shakes his head, because there’s no way he’s telling Baz about Davy. He couldn’t even tell Penny, she figured it out herself. 

“I thought you didn’t want to sleep here.” Simon says instead. 

“I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.” He says, so quietly that Simon barely hears it. He smiles against Baz’s chest, and listens to Baz’s heartbeat, rhythmic and very much alive. 

**NIALL** **  
** Niall doesn’t really know how he feels. He thinks he should be sad, though he doesn’t. Constance Horace was a real bitch, and thinking about her makes Niall’s blood boil. 

“Niall?” Dev calls, knocking their shoulders together. Niall blinks, pulled away from his thoughts. “I don’t think Baz will come home tonight.” 

Niall nods. 

“It’s fine. He’s got a date.” It really is fine. He doesn’t need babysitting, doesn’t need Baz and Dev to stare at him with pity in their eyes. He gets up, feeling jittery and itchy all over. 

“Mate?”    
“I’m fine.” He grits out, and Dev sighs from the couch,

“We really need to start communicating in this fucking family.” He complains, and it makes Niall snort. 

“Right, as if you’re a champion at expressing your emotions. I only ever heard you say ‘i love you’ to pizza.”    
“Because I do.”   
“Fuck off, Dev. You’re just as emotionally stunted as the rest of us.” Niall lights himself a cigarette, and Dev comes out on the balcony with him.

“Talk to me?” Dev asks, voice softer than Niall has ever heard him. Niall’s heart fucking jumps in his chest, and he forgets how to breathe. 

_ He doesn’t like me like that.  _ He has to remind himself that. Dev was shagging Agatha Wellbelove not even twenty four hours ago. He’s straight, for fuck’s sake. 

“I just- I don’t even care that she died.” Niall says and Dev winches. Okay, maybe that was harsh. “I keep thinking about my mom, you know? My grandma- maybe my mom would have died anyway, but at least she wouldn’t have been  _ alone _ .” Dev wraps an arm around his shoulders, and Niall lets him, lighting another cigarette. 

“You can’t keep thinking like that.” Niall lets his head fall on Dev’s shoulder, and the other boy doesn’t move away so he just stays like that for a minute. 

“I know.” He says in the end. “I’m just mad.” Dev only nods, before pulling back. 

“Let’s watch a movie, yeah?” 

** 

Niall can’t sleep. He’s been turning in his bed for hours. It’s too hot, and then too cold, and then he’s uncomfortable, and the blankets are all messed up-

“Niall, you need to fucking chill.” Dev’s hoarse voice comes from the other side of the room. 

“I can’t fucking sleep, you ass.” 

“Drink a chamomile or something, just stop tossing around so much.” Niall sighs, rubbing his eyes until he sees colors. He stares blankly at the ceiling, tapping his fingers on his hand, for about five minutes before he goes back to turning around in the bed. 

“For fuck’s sake-

Niall hears Dev getting up, and suddenly he’s right there, and he’s climbing on his bed. Niall’s dreams are coming true. 

“What the fuck-

“Shut up, Niall.” Dev says, before laying down on his back and pulling Niall close so he’s half on top of him. Dev sighs, fingers brushing over his side and Niall can’t fucking breathe. 

This can’t be happening. 

Okay, sure, it  _ has  _ happened before, but they were always drunk or high or Baz was between them. Niall scans his memories, trying to find a precedent for this, and comes up empty.

This is uncharted territory. 

_ Oh fuck. Fuck me. _

Now there’s really no way he’s sleeping. The same can’t be said for Dev, who is snoring in three seconds flat, as he always does. Niall breathes in, then exhales, forcing his body to relax.

Dev simply doesn't mean it like that, he’s just being a good friend. It’s Niall’s fault he’s been in love with him for so long he can’t imagine  _ not  _ being in love with Dev. 

He ends up staring at the wall for what feels like hours before Dev’s regular heartbeat lulls him to sleep. 

**SIMON**

Simon wakes up in Baz’s arms. Which is very good.

His phone is also ringing obnoxiously under his pillow. Which is very bad. 

Simon searches blindly for it, while Baz stirs under him.

“Sorry.” He says, voice groggy with sleep, fingers finally closing on the damn thing. It’s Davy. “Shit.” He sits up, earning a displeased a groan from Baz. 

“What?” Baz asks, clearly not a morning person. If you call noon morning. 

“It’s Davy. Be quiet.” He says and Baz nods, wrapping himself around Simon’s middle. 

“Warm.” He says as explanation and Simon smiles at him, answering the call.

“ _ Simon, finally. Why did you make me wait so long?”  _ Davy’s voice grates on Simon’s hear and he flinches. 

“Sorry, sir.”   
“ _ It’s alright. I called to say I’m coming home early, I’m almost there, in fact. Start making lunch _ .” Then he hangs up. 

This is  _ very  _ bad. 

“Baz, you need to go.” He says, untangling himself from him. “Davy’s coming home now.” That seems to do the trick. Baz’s head snaps up.

“Fuck.” He says and Simon couldn’t agree more. They dress in record time, and then Simon leads Baz back to the front door, placing a kiss on his lips. 

“I’ll call you later, yeah?” 

“You better, I’m feeling quite cheap right now, being thrown out like some dirty secret.” Simon laughs against his lips, Baz’s fingers holding tight on his hip.

“I’ll make it up to you. And I’m sorry.”    
“It’s alright. Bye, Snow.” Simon rolls his eyes at him, and Baz only smirks at him, before sliding out of the door. Simon exhales, feeling his hands shaking. 

_ Christ.  _

“Lunch.” He says to himself, walking in the kitchen. He puts some water to boil for some pasta, and rapidly goes through the house to check that there’s no proof that Baz was here last night. He seems to be safe. 

He’s starting on the pasta sauce when Davy comes in, slamming the door behind him. Not a good sign. Simon flinches with the noise, almost dropping the can of tomato sauce. 

Davy looks very mad. Which is never good for Simon. 

“Aren’t you done, yet?” His voice is harsh, and Simon flinches  _ again. _

“No, I- uh-

“Use your words, Simon.” Davy grits out. That sentence is almost enough to send Simon spiralling. 

_ Focus, Simon.  _

“I’m sorry, sir.” He says mechanically, looking down. 

“You have to do something for me.” Davy says, sitting down at the table. “Drink.” He orders, and Simon scrambles to get the scotch he likes from the living room, pouring him a glass. The pasta is done cooking, so Simon pours the sauce on it and divides it into two plates, putting one down in front of Davy. 

“You know Mr. Humdrum.” Simon nods. Humdrum works with Davy, sort of, he’s a slimy man, mean and rude and Simon really doesn’t like him. “You’re going to help me take him down.” 

“How?” Simon asks, starting to eat. 

“We’re going to blackmail him in quitting his job. I’m tired of him messing up my plans and getting in my way.” The pits at the bottom of Simon’s stomach starts to open. He eats faster. “He’s heard of your  _ date  _ with Harth, so you’re going to do the same thing, except I’m going to have someone take pictures of it, and we can use those as blackmail.”   
Simon chokes on his food. 

_ Focus, Simon.  _

Davy ignores him completely, and keeps going.   
“I’ve booked a room for you at the Palace. He’ll meet you there Thursday evening.” 

“I- I don’t-

“I don’t want to hear it, Simon, it’s not a discussion. And don’t let me down again.” Davy drops his fork on the plate, and gets up, taking the bottle with him up to his room. 

Simon can’t breathe. He can’t fucking breathe. Davy leaves him alone in the kitchen, and Simon stares at his empty seat, unable to wrap his mind around it. 

_ Focus, Simon. _

His plate is still half full. He takes another bite. Then another, then he finishes his plate and starts on Davy’s and still feels empty and broken so he opens the fridge and gets a tub of icecream and then there are leftovers from last night’s dinner with Baz-

He feels sick. 

He’s the bathroom without remembering how he got there, but it doesn’t really matter because then he’s throwing up everything, throat burning and eyes watering. 

He slides against the wall until he’s sitting on the floor, anxiety constricting his throat, chest heavy. 

He can’t breathe.

_ Focus, Simon.  _

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are always appreciated! I love hearing what you guys think :)


	7. Love in the sky

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What's up, kiddos?   
> Yes, I am aware i missed a chapter yesterday BUT i had an exam and it compeltely slipped off my mind, rip.  
> Anyway, I am back with another one, filled with angst and smut, sooo... enjoy?  
> Comments and kudos are always appreciated!
> 
> Song: Love in the sky by The Weeknd
> 
> Warnings:  
> -Funeral  
> -Homophobia  
> -Panic attack  
> -Anxiety  
> -It's a big struggle  
> -Smut with like a liiiiitle bit of Dom/sub undertones if you squeeze

_ [ _ _ There's no one inside _

_ But you're free to relax _

_ If you commit to this ride _

_ There's no turning back _

_ You've been here before _

_ Remember these sheets, uh _

_ This world's not for us _

_ It's not what it seems _ _ ] _

**BAZ**

They leave on Tuesday for Dublin. Niall is looking grim, never leaving Dev or Baz’ side.

The flight is short, and Baz decides to take a nap while Niall and Dev watch a movie together on Dev’s laptop. 

They land in Dublin, and get a taxi to the hotel where they’ll be staying for the next two days. Then head over to Niall’s house. 

It’s where they are right now, standing in front of the gate. It’s not a big house, but it’s not small either. Niall told them his aunt and her family, along with his grandfather live here.

“This is such a bad idea.” Niall says to no one in particular. Baz puts a hand on his arm, and Dev scoffs. “Maybe we should go. Yep, we should definitely go-

“Niall, mate, we’re not leaving.” Dev says, ringing the doorbell. Niall looks like he might pass out at any second. The gate beeps open and they get in. 

Waiting for them at the door there’s a woman. She must be in her thirty, with brown hair pulled up in an elegant bun. 

“Niall?” 

“Hi, Aunt Jane.” Niall hasn’t looked so unsure of himself since Daphne took him in, years ago. Her smile is tense, as she lets them inside. Baz and Dev introduce themselves, shaking hands with Jane.

“It’s good to see you, Niall.” She says, a bit awkwardly. This entire situation is awkward. 

“Likewise.” He replies, fidgeting with his tie. They all came already dressed for the funeral in black tuxedos. 

“You look very elegant.” Jane continues. Niall nods once and the conversation halts to a stop. Baz is about to say something when two men walks in the room, along with a kid. 

“Niall.” 

“Grandfather.” Baz takes him in. He’s not old, somewhere in his sixty, and Baz is stricken by how much this man resembles Malcolm. Not in the looks, of course, but in the way he carries himself. Confident, arrogant, even, like the whole world belongs to him.

Baz decides he doesn’t like him, and one glance at Dev tells Baz his feelings are shared. 

When Grandfather walked in Niall instinctively stepped back, so Baz and Dev don’t even need to look at each other before moving closer to him. 

“Niall, it’s been a while.” Niall nods, accepting the outstretched hand. The other man, who Baz guesses is Niall’s uncle Seamus, also shakes Niall’s hand. It all feels far too formal, detached. They don’t even act like a family. 

Baz clears his voice, breaking the awkward silence. He hold out his hand to Grandfather and Seamus. 

“I’m Basilton Pitch, nice to meet you, sir.” Grandfather eyes him with something very close to disgust.

“Yes, I know who you are, your stepmother and my daughter were closed friends. Let me tell you, I don’t like you.” Baz can feel his lips curl into a sneer, as he retracts his hand. 

_ Fine, then. _

“I thought so.” 

“Your family took my grandson away from me, led him down a path of sin and you’ll both roth in Hell because of it. Neither of you is welcome in this house.” Baz sees Niall’s mouth fall open, a few gasps of surprise filling the room. Baz only tilts his head to side. 

_ Figures. _

“I would argue with you about the fact that it was  _ your  _ family who pushed Niall away when he needed you the most, and that the only thing I did was giving him the home he deserves, but I would be wasting my breath.” He turns to look at Niall, pale as a ghost, mouth still open. 

He reminds Baz of Simon a little, mouth-breather that he is. But Niall also looks like he’s having a panic attack, hands shaking and eyes dark, confusion and hurt clear on his face. 

Baz looks at Dev, who must be having the same thoughts and they nod curtly at each other. 

Dev puts one arm around Niall’s shoulders and starts walking, while Baz turns back to the old man in front of him, giving him the coldest sneer he owns, which Baz has been told is chilling. He puts his hand behind his back, staring hard at the man.

“Excuse us, but it seems that we’ll have to leave this lovely family reunion. Can’t say it was a pleasure to meet you.” Baz is already turning on his heels when Grandfather speaks again. 

“You’re responsible for this. You’re the one that made him a faggot.” His words are filled with venom, and Baz’s mind is spinning. 

He briefly thinks of asking if he talked to Malcolm. He doesn’t though, instead turning back to him and walking up so close that they’re standing only a few inches apart. Baz thanks God again for making him so tall, just enough to tower over the man. He sneers.

“The only thing I did was give him a family. You’re the one who let his mother die, alone and sick, and then left him to fend for himself. He was a kid and you pushed him away, and you’ll pay for this.” Baz growls, stepping back. “I’m not going to Hell, but you sure as fuck are, you old raisin bitch.” 

Then he smiles, cold and unnerving and cruel. 

“The displeasure was all mine, I hope you all rot in Hell.” He says cheerfully, before turning and walking out of the house, slamming the door behind him. 

He stands on the porch, pinching the bridge of his nose. 

_ Fuck. _

“Baz?” He looks up, meeting Dev’s eyes. He still has Niall under one arm, and they’re both staring at him. 

“We’re going home.” He almost growls, taking Niall’s hand. “Let’s go.”   
“Baz, wait! Did he say something else? What-

Baz is going to kill that man. He glances at Dev, trying to communicate what he’s thinking without having to say it out loud. Dev looks homicidal. Dev puts his hands on Niall’s shoulder, looking at him straight into his eyes. They’re watery.

“It doesn't matter. He’s wrong, about everything. None of this is your fault, and you deserved so much better than this bunch of homophobic assholes.” Niall looks like he might start crying at any second. 

“Am I understood, Niall? You’re bloody brilliant, and they don’t deserve you.” Dev speaks clearly, voice steady and sure.

“Dev, I-

“ _ We  _ are your family, not them.” Dev pulls him into a hug and Niall melts against him, a sob wrenching out his throat. He doesn’t cry, only hides his face against Dev’s chest as Baz pulls them away from this wretched house. 

**

They’re in the hotel, laying in one of the bed side by side, with Niall in the middle. There’s a movie going, but no one is paying attention to it. 

“I want to go to the funeral.” Niall says suddenly, breaking the silence. 

“What?” Baz asks, at the same time that Dev says “Why?”. Niall isn’t looking at either of them.

“I have to. I want to put this behind me, but I can’t do that without saying goodbye.” 

Dev and Baz look at each other one more time. Dev sighs, running one hand through his short hair. 

“Whatever you need.” 

**NIALL** **  
** The church is full of people. They walk in and several heads turn toward them. Baz and Dev are literally flanking his sides, and one glare from Baz is enough to stop anyone from starting a conversation with them. 

They sit at the back, away from the rest of his family. The mass is a quiet affair, lots of metaphors, people spewing bullshit and covering his grandmother in praises. 

Eventually the mass ends and they take a cab to the cemetery. It’s a bit creepy, it’s already dark outside, but he can still make out his family, standing under a light. 

Niall hesitates. 

“Mate?” Dev asks. Niall can’t really breathe. He stares at his family, in a circle around the grave, while the priest drones on about an afterlife that Niall doesn’t believe in. It feels wrong to be here. 

“I just-

“We can leave.” Baz offers. Niall is nodding before he can process it. 

“In a moment.” He chokes out. “I just want- to see if-

“You don’t have to explain yourself, mate.” Dev speaks quietly, wrapping an arm around his shoulders. He’s been doing that a lot, and Niall can’t say he’s mad.

“Niall.” Baz says, nodding toward his family. Niall looks up and finds Grandfather staring hard at him. 

Grandfather's words echo in his mind, and they hurt. They hurt so bad that Niall only wants to curl on himself and cry himself to sleep. But he can’t do that, not here at least. So he holds Grandfather’s gaze. 

The priest finishes talking sometime later, and Grandfather leans in to press a last kiss on the coffin, and then they’re lowering it down in the ground. 

Niall closes his eyes for a second. He hasn’t believed in God since he was nine, but he prays that his mom is alright. 

“He’s coming over, I can’t believe it.” Dev whispers, and Niall forces his eyes open. Grandfather is, in fact, walking up to them. 

“I thought I made it clear you’re not welcome.” He says, voice hard. Niall sees that Baz is about to go off again, ready to spit words filled with venom undoubtedly. He puts one hand on Baz’s arm to stop him. Baz’s mouth falls shout, but he still glares as hard as he can to Grandfather.

“We’re leaving.” Niall says. “You’ll never see us again.” 

“Good.” Niall nods. He didn’t expect anything less from him. He takes a deep breath. Then he turns and starts walking, Baz and Dev right behind him. 

**

Their room at the Hotel is quiet. They skipped dinner, but none of them is particularly hungry. 

Baz sighs.

“I tried to get un tickets for tonight, but the planes are full. Sorry Niall, we’re stuck here for tonight.” 

“That’s okay.” Niall says. “I’m fine with you guys.” Baz makes that face he does when he’s trying to hide a smile. 

“Softie.” He says, but there’s no bite. Niall pulls the blankets up to his nose and opens Netflix, trying to find a movie to watch. He already knows he’ll not be getting much sleep tonight. 

“So, what are we watching?” Dev asks, flopping on the bed beside him, much closer than strictly necessary. He puts an arm around his shoulders, and Niall leans against his side, letting the warmth from Dev’s body seep in. Baz lays down on his other side, resting his head on Niall’s shoulder, and Niall smiles at him. Baz rolls his eyes, but snuggles closer anyway. 

“Who’s a softie now?”   
“Fuck off, Niall.” 

Baz turns off the light, sets a bunch of alarms for tomorrow and returns to his position. Niall starts the movie. 

**

The light coming from his window is incredibly annoying. Niall pulls the covers over his eyes, trying to roll on his other side so he can avoid the sun. He finds that he can’t. 

Dev is curled around him, death grip on his waist, breathing heavily against Niall’s neck. He’s warm and solid against Niall’s back, and Niall hasn’t felt this safe and wanted since his mother was alive. It feels as if this is exactly where he’s meant to be. 

Which is rather unfortunate, because there’s no way in Hell Dev actually wants this. He’s straight and was fucking Wellbelove three days go. He doesn’t like Niall that way. He doesn’t. 

_ Well, fuck me. _

Niall’s heart feels about to explode. He thinks he should move, there’s not way Dev would do this if he was awake and conscious. He should get up and wake Baz so he can freak out with him. 

He ignores the hurt in his chest as he pulls away from Dev’s warmth and tries to untangle himself from him. 

Dev groans. 

“Niall.” He whispers, and  _ Jesus Christ.  _ Dev’s voice is hoarse from sleep, and Niall’s name has never sounder better. He thinks he might cry if Dev doesn’t let him go. “What the fuck are you doing?” 

“Let me go.” Niall murmurs back, painfully aware of how panicked he sounds. He doesn’t really care. He can’t handle Dev being this nice to him right now, yesterday still feels to raw and Dev’s hands are too gentle. “Dev, let me go.” He says again, and finally Dev releases his grip. Niall bolts up, begging that his knees will hold up. They do, and Niall reaches for his jacket and puts it on. 

He has to get out, get away from Dev right now before he gets his heart irredeemably broken for the second time in two days. 

“Niall, where the fuck- fucking shit-

Niall is pretty sure Dev got up too. He thinks Baz is going to wake up, but he sleeps right through it, face buried against his pillow. He opens the door of the room and gets out in the hallway. He needs a smoke.

Dev is right behind him.

“Leave me alone, Dev.” He says, trying to swallow down the tears. “I can’t do this right now.” 

“Niall, wait, what the fuck is going on?” Dev grabs Niall’s arm, and it’s like getting burnt. Niall tries to pull his hand away but Dev has always been stronger than him and Baz both. 

“Let me go.” He says, hating how shaky his voice is. “Dev.” 

“What the fuck has gotten into you?”   
“Dev, I can’t do this, okay? I can’t, not right now.”   
“What on Earth are you talking about? Is this about your family? What your grandfather said isn’t-

“It’s not about that.” Niall says, absolutely exasperated. Dev’s hand is like fire on his skin. “Please, let me go, I need to- I can’t do this okay?” 

“Do  _ what?”  _

“This!” Niall is fully aware that he looks insane right now, screaming in the middle of a hotel hallway at five in the morning. “You can’t do this, I can’t take it right now.”   
“Niall, I have no fucking clue what you’re talking about.” Niall might just rip in hair out. Dev is staring at him with his big brown eyes, looking as worried as ever. Worried for Niall. 

Niall stands on his tiptoes and kisses him. 

By some miracle, Dev immediately kisses him back, his free hand coming up to cup Niall’s face. 

This isn’t real. There’s no way this real.

Niall pulls back, touching his lips. 

“You kissed me.” He says, shocked. 

“Technically you kissed me.” 

“You’re straight!” Niall might just have that breakdown anyway. Dev shrugs. 

“Maybe I’m not.” Niall feels tears prickling at his eyes again. He pulls his hand away from Dev’s. 

“If this is a joke, Dev, I swear to God-

“It’s not a joke-

“Then why?!” Dev takes his face again and crushes their lips together. Niall is definitely crying now.

This isn’t how he imagined having his first kiss with Dev. 

“Niall, stop crying.” Dev says, as if it was that easy. He wipes his cheeks, but it’s pointless. “Fuck, Niall, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean-

“Shut the fuck up, Dev.” Niall grits out, taking a deep breath. He turns his back to Dev, trying to hold himself together long enough that he can understand what the fuck is going on. 

“Niall, I’m sorry. You kisses me and I thought you liked me, but maybe I-

“I do like you.” Niall says, turning back to him. “I’ve been in love with you for like two years.”

“What the fuck, Niall? Why did you never say anything?” 

“I thought you weren’t interested. And I didn’t want to ruin our friendship.” He says, clenching his fists so maybe his hands will stop shaking. “Why did you kiss me back?” He whispers. “If this is a joke you need to tell me right now, or so help me God-

“It’s not a joke.” Dev rests one hand over Niall’s cheek and steps closer. “This past few days, I realized that- I don’t know, you’ve been in this shitty situation with your family and it made me realized that the only thing I’ve ever wanted was to be here for you. I just wanted to you to be okay, and smile at me again.” Niall’s heart might have skipped a few beats, but Dev is looking at him in that way, with his eyes so earnest and beautiful, that it’s a miracle Niall hasn’t combusted into flame in the first place. 

“Niall say something, please.” Niall shakes his head, only wrapping his arms around Dev’s neck to pull him down for another kiss. Dev is smiling against his lips and Niall feels like he could combust with happiness. 

“About damn time.” Niall whips around to find Baz leaning against the door, smirking. “You idiots ready to go? Our flight leaves in an hour.” 

He hears Dev laughing, and Niall takes his hand, intertwining their fingers together. 

“Yeah, let’s get the fuck out of here.” 

**BAZ** **  
** They land around eight in the morning at Heathrow. Baz’s limousine is already waiting for them. They’re in the car when Niall speaks. 

“Sorry I dragged you guys all the way to Dublin just to fight with my family.” Baz scoffs.

“Sometime you’re really fucking stupid, Niall.” He says, rolling his eyes.

“What Baz is trying to say,” Dev begins, glaring at him, “is that you don’t need to apologize. We’re family.” 

“Well, thanks anyway. I couldn’t have done it without either of you.” Baz gives him a small smile, nodding.

“Verbally sparring with your Grandfather was fun.” He says. Niall grimaces, and Dev laughs at his side.

“It was quite the showdown, Baz.” Dev comments. 

“Years of practice with my father. No offence Niall, but your Grandfather was kinda weak compared to Malcolm.” Niall snorts, running one hand through his hair. 

“That’s a really fucked up thing to say.” Baz’s smiles grows bigger.

“True nonetheless.” 

They arrive back at home soon enough, and Daphne is at the door to greet them. Baz leans down to kiss her cheek, and she smiles gently at him.

“How did it go?” She asks. Baz looks over at Niall and he sighs.

“A disaster.” He answers. “I don’t think I will ever be able to set foot in Dublin.” 

“That bad?” Daphne asks, her eyes soft and gentle. Niall nods, and she pulls him into a hug. 

“Come on, boys. We can bake together like the old times. I promised Mordelia I’d make her some cookies anyway.” Baz looks over at Dev and Niall and they both nod, smiling.

“Deal.” 

**

Baz can’t remember the last time he cooked something with his family. 

When they were younger, and Niall and Dev had just moved in, Daphne used to bake them all sorts of desserts all the time. It was her way of making sure they were welcome.

Their tradition stopped when Baz went on his last bender, the one that almost killed him, and they just never started it again. 

Right now, throwing flour at Dev and Niall, he can’t remember why they ever stopped. Mordelia is running around in her red dress, also completely covered in flour, screeching like a demon. Baz catches her and lifts her up, smearing some of the batter on her face. 

She laughs, screaming in his ear, and it’s good. Mordelia is a good kid.

The only one actually cooking it’s Daphne, but she doesn’t seem to mind, smiling and singing along to whatever 90s’ song she’s playing. 

He even catches Dev and Niall kissing each other briefly. Niall looks ecstatic, which is what he deserves after the last two days. 

Daphne puts the trails in the oven and pick up Mordelia. Baz hops on the counter, dangling his feet over the edge. 

“I missed this.” Daphne says, and Baz agrees. She cups Baz’s cheek and and leans in to kiss his forehead. She’s not very affectionate usually, not with them at least, but that was down right motherly, and it makes Baz smile. 

“Me too.” He says. He looks over at Dev and Niall, holding hands. 

“Go on, boys. I’ll call you when they’re ready.” Daphne smiles at them, and Baz nods hopping down the counter. 

“Thank you, Daphne.” Baz says quietly. She nods, smiling. “We- we needed that.” Baz whispers, eyes on Niall and Dev, also murmuring between themselves. Daphne sighs, one hand on her hip. 

“You boys have been through so much, and you’re far too young to be already so sad.” 

“It’s been a few shitty days.” 

“It’s not only that.” Baz looks away. “All of you deserve the world, you’re amazing kids.”

“Thanks, Daphne.” She nods, smiling. Baz smiles back. 

**

**Simon:** _ Did you guys land already? How did it go? _

**Baz:** _ It was shit, but we made it home _

**Simon:** _???? What happened _

**Baz:** _ I’ll tell you later, we still on for tonight? _

**Simon:** _ You bet _

Baz smiles at himself. He can’t wait to see Simon tonight, he’s exactly what Baz needs to lose all the stress of their trip. And he’s sure Dev and Niall will appreciate having the room for themselves. 

They waste the afternoon playing video games and eating the cookies they (Daphne) made. 

After dinner, Baz starts going through everything he owns looking for something nice to wear. Simon said they can’t go to his place because Davy is home, so they’ll go get drinks and maybe (hopefully) come back to Baz’s house. 

Fucking Simon Snow right under Malcolm’s nose adds a thrill to the whole situation. 

“Which one looks better?” Baz asks, holding up a dark red double-breasted jacket or a simpler black one. 

“Red.” Niall answers. Baz nods, sliding it over his white shirt. He looks in the mirror, pushing back his hair. Simon said he likes it messy, so he doesn’t put any product in it. 

“How do I look?” 

“Like a snack, Baz.” Dev says, grinning. Niall snorts, elbowing him. Baz rolls his eyes at them, grabbing his wallet and cigarettes. He texts Simon that he’s about to leave, so he can get out and Baz can pick him up with his limo. 

“I’ll see you later, boys. If you want to fuck, go into your room and use condoms.” 

“Baz!” Niall throws him a pillow that Baz dodges easily and smiles at him. 

“Bye!” He says, closing the door behind himself. 

The limo is waiting outside and the trip to Simon’s house lasts less than five minutes. 

Simon looks  _ stunning.  _

He’s wearing a leather jacket and a black tee under it of some unknown band. His jeans are definitely designer, ripped and dark, fitting around his legs as if they were made for him. Maybe they were. Chains dangles from his belt as usual, and he has another thin silver chain around his neck. He looks like a wet dream, the richer version of the bad boy every girl dreams of. 

Baz doesn’t resist kissing him as soon as he’s in the car. 

“Fuck, Simon.” Simon laughs under his lips, and Baz has missed his laugh. They’ve been separated for two days, but it feels like months since he kissed Simon. 

Simon doesn’t seem to mind though, pulling him closer and closer until Baz is basically in his lap. 

“Hi to you too, Baz.”   
“A fucking leather jacket. I can’t fucking believe it.” Simon is smiling, grinning like an idiot.

“What? You don’t like it?” He asks quietly, pressing kisses along Baz’s necks. 

“Quite the opposite, Snow.”

“You like bad boys, Baz?” Baz rolls his eyes, and Simon pulls him in for another burning kiss. 

“You just happen to look especially good in it.” 

“Is that so?” Baz nods against his mouth. He’s starting to think they might not make it the bar. Maybe they should just head straight back to Baz’s house. 

“I’m flattered.” Simon says. “But we should go. I do want those drinks.” Baz rolls his eyes again, sliding off Simon’s lap. 

“Fine, let’s go.” 

**SIMON**

Simon has missed him. He has missed his soft lips and cutting voice, his light eyes and silky hair. They keep kissing for the whole trip to the bar, a fancy place that sells overpriced drinks, but where they’ll not be disturbed. 

Baz said he knows someone in the staff, and sure enough the waiter leads them to a private table in the corner of the room, dark enough that no one will be able to recognize them. 

“So, how did it go in Dublin?” Simon asks, and Baz grimaces. 

“It was a shitshow.” 

“What happened?” 

“Well, it turns out that Niall’s family really doesn’t want him, or us, around. I might have told his Grandfather he’s going to rot in Hell, which I don’t think helped the situation.” Simon snorts, laughing.

“Christ, Baz.”   
“He was being as ass to Niall, what was I supposed to do? Stay quiet? I don’t think so.” 

“You’re incredible, Baz.” 

“Thanks, so I’ve been told.” Baz smirks, and Simon leans in for a kiss. It just feels natural, but Baz goes rigid under his lips. 

“Baz?” He clears his voice, taking a long sip from his drink. He avoid Simon’s eyes.

“So, what did you do while I was gone?” He asks, staring at his hands.

“You okay?” 

“Yes, of course. So?” 

“I,uh- nothing, i guess. I went out with Penny and Shep, Agatha dragged me shopping. We just hanged out at Penny’s house basically.” 

“Your life is so boring without me.”   
“That’s true.” Simon nods, moving closer. “I’ve missed you.” He says, and Baz rolls his eyes, but he’s also fighting a smile.

“Sap.” Simon smiles and Baz looks away again.

“You did it again.” Simon says, trying to understand why he feels hurt. 

“Did what?”   
“Look away.”

“Your face is just too ugly, Snow.”   
“Is something wrong? Did  _ I  _ do something wrong?” He asks, hates how small his voice sounds, but then Baz’s eyes finally meet his. 

“No, of course not. It’s- I’m just tired. It’s been an exhausting few days.” Baz says with a sigh. It feels like a lie, but Simon doesn’t call him out on it. Baz slides closer, smiles when he kisses Simon. 

Simon lets himself get lost in the kiss, Baz’s mouth is amazing, intoxicating. 

When Baz pulls back, he starts talking. He talks about everything, books and movies, and what little they saw of Dublin, and the place he’s visit and the ones he wants to see and Simon listens. He props his chin on his palm, his other hand holding Baz’s under the table, and he listens, drinking in the sight of Baz’s talking, his voice soothing and calming. 

***

Simon smiles down at him, and Baz smirks back, dragging his hands over Simon’s chest.

His skin is cool under Simon’s fingers, miles of smooth skin, his to take. 

He does, leaning down to suck a nipple in his mouth, biting gently. 

Baz moans, fingers pulling at Simon’s hair.

It’s good, so, so good. 

“You looked so good tonight, Baz.” Simon whispers, smiling against his skin. He feels Baz shivers under his lips.

“I always look good, Snow.” Baz replies but his hands are far too gentle on Simon’s face.

“Yes, I guess you do.” Simon pulls up, standing on his forearms so he can stare at Baz, dark hair fanned around him, lips stretched into a small smile and eyes bright.

He’s so unfairly pretty. 

Simon undoes Baz’s belt rapidly, licking into his mouth.

Baz tastes like the drinks he had at the bar and of smoke and it’s addicting. 

He pulls down his trousers and pants in one go, taking a good look at Baz’s flushed cock. It makes Simon’s mouth water.

So he leans down to lick at the head, sucking into his mouth and Baz gasps, fingers tightening in his hair. Simon licks down the side, wrapping one hand at the base, and hums, and Baz shivers, and Simon takes more of it, takes it all until it hits the back of his throat and then swallows-

“ _ Fuck,  _ Simon.” Baz moans, hips buckling into his mouth. Simon would grin if his mouth weren’t busy. 

Instead he holds Baz’s hips down he starts bobbing his head and Baz arches on the bed, head throws back on the pillows. 

“God, Simon, shit.” It makes Simon shiver, the way Baz says his name, a bit broken and definitely breathless, and so hot.

It sets Simon’s blood on fire.

He has to palm at his cock for a second to ease some of the strain. It doesn’t really help.

Instead he reaches blindly for the lube that Baz handed him earlier and pours it on his hand, warming it quickly between his fingers.    
When he looks Baz’s eyes are dark, darker than they’ve ever been.

“Baz.” Simon whispers to look at him. He spreads Baz’s thighs further apart, and Baz is biting his lip which is far too distracting. “Good?” He asks and Baz nods quickly.

“Yeah, definitely.” Simon smiles at him, kissing the inside of his thigh. Baz shivers again, and Simon bites the soft skin there, sucking a red mark where only him will find it.

The thought goes straight to his dick.

“Simon, Jesus.” Baz whispers, staring at him, and Simon  _ has  _ to kiss him. So he does, reaching down between them to press one finger at Baz’s hole. He feels Baz tense up and then melt under him, as Simon works his finger in, muscle giving out around him. 

Baz is hot and so tight and Simon is rock hard.

He opens Baz up quickly, hungry and a bit desperate, and Baz is holding on to him shoulders, fingers digging into his skin, before Baz starts dragging his hands all over Simon’s chest, reaching up to kiss the small scar on his shoulder.

“Baz.” Simon almost growls, and now he’s pumping three fingers in and out of Baz quickly, and Baz is making all sorts of indecent sounds that travel straight to Simon’s cock, still straining against his jeans.

“Simon- God, Simon, I’m ready, hurry the  _ fuck  _ up.”   
“Bossy.” Simon whispers against his neck, pressing another kiss there before withdrawing his fingers. He has never taken off his pants so fast, throwing them on the floor and rolling a condom on rapidly. He pours more lube on himself and then he looks back at Baz, whose eyes are burning holes in Simon’s soul.

“Hands and knees.” Simon says, voice low, and  _ wow,  _ Baz has never moved so fast. And then there he is, standing on all four in front of Simon, back arched into a pretty, pretty curve. Simon follows the line of his back with his finger, from his shoulders, down to his lower back and to his ass, then back up to his hair. He buries his hand in the silky strands, pulling so Baa has to tilt back his head, throat long and exposed. 

“Fuck, Baz, you’re so fucking beautiful like this.” Simon growls, and Baz moans, eyes closed, and Simon can’t resist for one more second. He takes Baz’s hip and lines up, sliding in slowly, Baz moans, deep and low, and he’s so hot and so fucking tight that Simon almost comes right there and then.

“Jesus, Baz. God.” He’s panting, and Baz is shivering, head still thrown back. He looks at Simon from over his shoulder, eyes blown wide and lips parted and it does  _ things  _ to Simon. 

He bottoms out after a few seconds, ripping another moan from Baz, and then thrusts back in, slowly, giving him time to adjust. Then Baz drops to his forearm, and the angle is so much better, and he Simon moves faster, now, rocking deep and fast into Baz’s pliant body. 

He buries one hand in Baz’s hair again, pulling a little, testing, and Baz whimpers around him, almost purring. 

“Fuck, Simon, fuck, shit.” The words tumble off his lips and he doesn’t even seem to realize. 

Simon leans over to bite at Baz’s shoulder, angling his hips just right and then Baz is almost screaming, whimpers and moans falling from his lips, along with Simon’s name and an impressive string of curses. 

Simon loves him when he gets like this, when he lets go like that, rocking back against Simon.

Simon runs his hands over his back again, then grips tighter at his hip as he thrusts in faster, rhythm faltering a little, but Baz doesn’t seem to mind, eyes closed and head thrown back. 

“God, Baz.” He growls against his skin, and feels Baz’s muscle shift under his mouth, and  _ Jesus fucking Christ.  _

Simon reaches down to wrap his hand around Baz’s cock, leaking and still wet from his blowjob and starts jerking him off, and Baz arches again, mouth falling open. Simon stretches over him to kiss him, and Baz has to turn his head and he’s not really kissing back, more like letting Simon kiss him, but Simon is not about to complain.

“Baz.” He whispers again, pulling his head back, and then Baz is coming, hard, all over Simon’s hand and the sheets under him, with a moan that sounds like Simon’s name.

His eyes fall close, and Simon pulls back, holding his hips tighter with both hands and thrusts into him deeper and faster, chasing his own orgasm, and Baz is whimpering, back still arched and eyes still closed, and it takes Simon only a few seconds and then he’s coming too, buried deep in Baz’s heat.

“Fuck.” He grits out, pulling out slowly. As soon as Simon stops holding him, Baz drops on the bed, away from the stain he left, with a sigh. Simon smiles to himself, throwing away the condom, and grabbing a towel from the bathroom to cover the stain on the bed.

“Simon.” Baz calls, eyes fluttering open. Simon smiles at him, accepting the hand Baz is holding out and wrapping his arms around him. He kisses Baz’s head, running his fingers through Baz’s har, silky and soft.

“That was- Jesus.” Simon whispers, and Baz nods against his chest. 

“I am boneless.” He says, and Simon can feel his breath on his skin.

“Same.” Baz sighs happily, humming a little and Simon has never seen his so soft.

He kisses Baz’s head again, pulling the blankets over them. He turns off the light, shifting around so Baz is curled against his side.

It’s warm, and soft, and Simon is sleepy, so he figures it’s okay if he stays the night.

“Goodnight, Baz.”   
“‘night, Simon.” 

Simon is out like a light.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are always appreciated, let me know what you think!


	8. Still don't know my name

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What's up, friends?  
> I'm back with a dark, dark chapter, so please read the Warning!  
> That being said, have fun reading :)  
> Comments and kudos are always appreciated!
> 
> Song: Still don't know my name by Labrinth
> 
> Warnings:  
> -Rape/Non-con elements (Simon/other)   
> -Drinking as coping mechanism  
> -Mentions of drugs  
> -Panic attacks  
> -Child abuse  
> -Nightmare  
> -Simon has bad thoughts  
> -Implied unspecified eating disorder? (Simon is just struggling a lot)

_ [ _ _ Wish you, wish you'd come over _

_ Missed you, kissed you and make-believe _

_ I'm dreamin' of all the possibilities _

_ I'm kissing all over your body, my Nefertiti _

_ And every time I think the plan is aligning _

_ You still so close yet so far _

_ Still don't know my name _ _ ] _

**SIMON**

Simon wakes up with Baz in his arm. The sun is washing the room in golden light, and Baz’s skin seems to shine. He looks peaceful when he sleeps, his features relaxed and lips slightly parted. He’s so beautiful. 

Simon presses a kiss on his hair, reaching out for his phone. It’s after eleven. 

He has to get home. 

_ Focus, Simon. _

Today is Thursday, which means he has a date with Mr. Humdrum. He wants to drink himself stupid at the thought. 

For the moment, though, he’s happy to hold Baz close for a few more minutes before he has to go back to his ugly reality. 

Baz stirs in his lips, smiling against Simon’s chest. He presses a soft kiss over the scar closer to him and it makes Simon shiver, holding his breath. 

“Baz.” He murmurs, chest so filled with emotions that he might combust. 

“Mornin’.” He whispers back, reaching up to kiss him. Simon obliges, catching his bottom lip between his teeth. 

“I have to go.” Baz sighs.

“Figures.”   
“Sorry.” He says sheepishly. “Davy wants me home.” He offers as explanation. Baz nods, pulling himself up into a sitting position. 

“I know, it’s okay. Come on, let’s go.” 

They take entirely too long to get dressed because Simon can’t keep his lips off Baz, and it’s a struggle to pull away everytime. 

“I really wish I could spend the day in your bed.” Simon says, trying not to sound too bitter. Baz arches one brow at him.

“Why don’t you?”   
“Davy.” He answers, sighing. He pulls Baz close again by his hip, kissing him so deeply that Baz is left panting. 

“Christ, Simon.” He says, gasping a little. Simon grins at him, proud of himself. “Go away before I decide to tie you to my bed.” Simon sucks in a sharp breath. 

“Maybe you should.” Baz’s eyes grow wide, as his lips fall open. 

“Fuck, Snow, you’re a nightmare.” He growls, pushing Simon against the wall. Simon laughs on his lips, high and drunk on Baz. 

“You like it.” 

“This conversation isn’t over, Snow.” Baz declares, pulling back again. “Let’s sneak you out, now.”   
“Why? Am I your dirty little secret, Baz?” 

“Yes, yes you are. Malcolm will kill me and you if he sees you.” Simon only squeezes his hand. 

They make their way to through the hallways, stopping at every corner to make sure no one is around. It’s fun, and it sends a thrill down Simon’s spine, and he has to stop more than once to press Baz against one wall or another. 

“Simon,  _ stop.”  _ Baz whispers, smiling. Simon nuzzles against Baz’s neck, sucking a mark under his collarbone. 

“It’s too fun, baby.” He whines. “And you taste so good. “

“ _ Simon,  _ someone could see us.” 

“I know.” Simon grins devilishly, shivering at thought of someone just walking in and seeing Baz writhing under his lips. 

“Fuck, Simon, oh my God.” Baz leans his head against the wall with a quiet  _ thump,  _ and Simon presses one last kiss against his lips, pulling back. 

“Sorry.” 

“You’re not sorry at all, are you?”   
“Not one bit.” He says, still grinning. Baz rolls his eyes, and starts walking again, dragging Simon with him. Eventually they make it to the door, and Simon steals one last kiss before slipping out. His lips still taste like Baz when he gets home. 

**BAZ**

Once Snow leaves, Baz goes looking for food. 

He’s halfway to the kitchens when something catches his attention. There are a couple of maids going up and down the stairs, carrying boxes upon boxes of things from the attic. 

“What’s going on here?” he asks. One of the two maids, Sarah, turns to look at him, smiling.

“Good morning, Mr. Pitch. Your father asked for the attic to be cleaned.”   
“What are all of this boxes?”

“We were told to bring them to Mrs. Daphne to be checked. Anything that she doesn’t want, we’ll throw it away.” 

“Thanks, can I take a look?” He doesn’t wait for an answer, already looking at the titles on the box, written in a precise handwriting.  _ Kitchen, lamps, books, music, Natasha.  _

Baz can quite literally feel his heart stopping for at least five seconds. 

_ Natasha.  _ He grabs the box with his mother’s name on it and bring it back to his room, breakfast all but forgotten. 

He starts walking back to his room and basically crashes in a sleepy Niall.

“Baz, mate, what the fuck?” 

“Niall, hi.” Baz says, trying to pull himself away from his stupor. 

“Baz? You’re looking a bit pale. Paler.”    
“I just found this.” Baz answers, showing the box to Niall. His friends notices the name immediately and his eyes snap back to Baz.

“Baz.” 

“These are my mother’s things.” 

“Let’s go in your room. I’ll wake Dev.” 

_ ** _

Baz is staring at the boz when Niall and Dev come in. 

He has no idea of what could possibly be in it. 

Natasha was killed in a fire when Baz was only five. The nursery caught fire, but Baz wasn’t there when it happened. He had gone to get a glass of water from the kitchen, and that’s where Malcolm found him that night. Malcolm took him outside, saved his life, but when he went back for Natasha, she was already dead. Baz never knew what killed her, the fire, the smoke, the falling pieces of ceiling. 

He just knows that it was his fault if she died. She had been in the nursery because of him, after all. 

Anyway. Baz always thought all of his mother’s things burned in that inferno, the entire Pitch Manor was on fire by the end, but maybe something was saved. He doesn’t know why Malcolm never showed him any of this. 

He can’t really bring himself to open the box. 

_ Natasha.  _

“Baz?” Dev calls, throwing a look at Niall. Baz is sure he must like somewhat scary, staring at the box as if it had personally insulted him. 

“What’s that?” Dev asks.

Baz shakes his head. 

“I don’t know, it has my mom’s name on it. It was in the attic.”

“Well, are you going to open it?” 

“I-I don’t know.” 

“I think you should open it.” Niall offers. Baz runs one hand through his hair, pulls them back into a bun.

“Right. Right, of course, why wouldn’t I open it?” He stands up, and Dev and Niall are at his sides in a second. He looks at them and Dev pats his back encouragingly. 

He wishes Simon was still here. 

“Go on, mate.” 

“Right.” Baz says again, and then removes the tape holding the box closed. When he opens it, it smells of old and dust. “Probably was up there the whole time.” 

Inside there are books, mostly. CDs, another small box full of golden jewels. Diaries. 

Natasha wrote diaries. 

They go through the things slowly. 

Some of the books are first editions, or custom made, pages filled with handmade, gold motifs or designs. There’s a bit of everything. Hemingway, Jane Austen, the Bronte sisters, books on politics, history, sociology. These last ones are written at the sides, notes she took while studying them in her precise, minute calligraphy. 

The CDs are mostly bands from the 70s and the 80s and the 90s. Some Baz knows, some he doesn’t. He promises himself he’ll listen to each and everyone of them. 

“Your mom had great taste, Baz.” Dev says, quietly, because he also likes this kind of music. He’s the only reason he knows half of this people. Baz has never been more grateful for his cousin’s existence. 

“Yeah, these books are- they’re beautiful.” He’s getting a bit choked up. The books really do look like small treasures to be cherished. Baz could cry. 

The small box is gold, with little sapphires and emeralds on the sides. Inside Baz finds a couple of pearl necklaces with matching earrings and bracelets. Her and Malcolm’s wedding rings. Another gold necklace with a gold cross, full of rubies, and more sapphires and diamonds. That necklace alone might be worth thousands and thousands of pounds. 

He stares at it for a while. There’s a quote in Latin on the back,  _ Dum spiro spero.  _ While I breathe, I hope.

Baz took Latin in high school, because he’s pretentious like that. 

He holds the cross in his hand, trying to picture his mother, raven hair as his own pinned on top of her hair, that aura of elegance that she passed down to Baz, this necklace bright on her dark clothes.

And the diaries. She’s been writing diaries since she was sixteen. She did at thirty. There are fourteen years worth of her life in this books. One per year. 

Baz could cry. Malcolm never talks about Natasha. 

Dev and Niall sit on the couch in silence, while he listens to her music and opens the first diary on his bed. And he starts reading. 

**

He reads for hours. 

Natasha had been scared of living the comfort of highschool, she moved out of the Pitch Manor at eighteen when she went to study Political Science in Oxford. But she  _ thrived  _ in Oxford. She was a Pitch, after all, and Pitches never back down from a challenge. 

Her family didn’t want her studying Politics, it wasn’t a career for women, but she was amazing at it. And determined. 

She met Malcolm in oxford, and several pages of the diary are filled with the stories of their blossoming love. This Malcolm doesn’t even seem like the same Malcolm that Baz knows. This Malcolm brought flower to Natasha everyday. Supported her and loved her unconditionally. 

This Malcolm in the diaries is soft and gentle, funny even, romantic. Unshakable in his certainty, just like Natasha, that their love would last forever. Baz’s heart breaks. 

_ It’s not fair.  _

Natasha talks about her friends in Oxford, a girl named Lucy and another one named Ebeneza. She talks of Ebeneza’s brother, Nicky, and the on and off relationship this Nicky had with Fiona, Natasha’s sister and Baz’s favorite aunt. 

They all graduated from Oxford the same year, majoring in something or the other, except for Nicky, who dropped out of university halfway. 

Baz reads of Natasha entering politics, and being  _ exceptional  _ at it, like she was at everything. 

Natasha even hired her friend Ebeneza to work at the Manor as a gardner, and Baz thinks he might even remember the woman, blonde, messy hair, always knee-deep in mud and flowers and grass. 

Then Natasha got pregnant, of Baz, and she says it’s the most wonderful feeling in the world. Baz doesn’t even realize he’s got tears in his eyes until Dev and Niall are pulling him into a hug. 

“What’s wrong, Baz?” He shakes his head, smiling. He blinks the tears away, because he still has some dignity, somewhere.

_ If only Father saw me now.  _

“She loved me.” Bas whispers. “She wrote it. She loved me more than anything else in the entire universe.” And then he’s laughing and Dev and Niall are laughing too.

“I could have told you that, you idiot.” Dev says, punching his arm lightly. “Of course she did. She was your mom.” Baz nods, takes a couple of deep breaths 

“Right. She was my mom.” Baz says more to himself than anything and then goes back to reading, devouring page after page.

At some point in the late afternoon, Dev and Niall fall asleep, and Baz moves back to the couch, lamp on, and he keeps reading.

Natasha wrote about everything. Baz’s first steps, his first word ( _ Mom _ , obviously), his favorite toys and books and every single little thing he did that made Natasha’s life a bit brighter. He had been an happy child, back then, before everything went to absolute shit. 

In the last couple of diaries, Davy appears. 

He was always fighting with Natasha on everything. Natasha hated him, and it seems that Davy hated her right back. It makes smile Baz a little, it looks an awful lot like he and Snow were with each other. 

Then the last diary is darker than the previous once. Natasha is  _ scared _ . She doesn’t feel safe, because of Davy and his aggressive behaviour towards her. 

She wonders if she should tell Malcolm, about the venom he throws her way every time they meet, that terrifying conviction that they might not just be empty threats. 

Natasha and Malcolm upgraded the Manor’s security, and Natasha does feel a little bit better. 

Still. She’s scared of Davy, terrified for little Baz. She’s only thirty but she writes her testament anyway, her instinct yelling at her that it’s not over. That Davy is not nearly done with her. 

That’s how the diary ends. August 11, 2007. She died the night after. 

Baz stares at the last page, unable to wrap his mind around the meaning of it. 

What if.

That can’t be right. Davy is an asshole, but he is not a  _ murderer.  _ It’s not possible. 

_ But.  _ Natasha was scared. Had been at least worried about him for over two years by the end of it. 

_ What if? _

_ It’s not possible.  _

The police had said it had been an accident. Gas leak. Set the whole house on fire and killed his mother. 

_ An accident.  _

_ But, what if it hadn’t been an accident. _

Baz’s stomach sinks to the floor. He’s going to be sick. He rereads again the last part of the diary. He can imagine her, clear and vivid. Natasha Grimm Pitch is scared, for her life, for her baby boy’s and for her husband’s. She insists with Malcolm that they need better security. She avoids Davy like the plague. She writes down all the threats he throws her, trying to figure out if they feel more like empty words or a promise. 

Baz can’t take it. 

He’s on his legs in a second, puking his guts out over the toilet, the diary still in his hand. 

“Baz?” It’s Niall, standing in the door of the bathroom, Dev at his side. They look worried. Baz can’t bring himself to care. He hasn’t finished puking yet. 

Once he’s done he sits, back against the wall. He’s shaking like a leaf. 

“Baz, what happened? What did you find out?” Niall is kneeling in front of him and Baz can’t talk. He has no words. 

_ What if. What if. What if. What if. What if. What if. What if. What if. What if. What if. What if. What if. What if. What if. What if. What if. What if. What if. What if. What if. What if. What if.  _

His mind is spinning. 

He hands the diary to Niall wordlessly, and watches as realization downs on both their face. Next time, it’s Dev that talks.

“You don’t think- you- he- you don’t think he  _ killed  _ her?” Baz runs both his hand over his face, through his hair. 

“I don’t know.” He says in the end, his voice low and hoarse. “I don’t know. I- you’ve read it- she- she’s- s-scared and he- he did become, you know, he became Minister because she- because she wasn’t- she was his biggest competition- I don’t know. I don’t know, I don’t know-

“Baz, calm down, mate.” 

“I can’t breathe.” He says and then Niall has taken on his hand and put it on his own chest.

“Match my breathing. Come on, Baz. Breathe with me. You know it, four, seven eight. Good, again. Again.” he’s vaguely aware of Niall running his fingers through Baz’s hair, a grounding touch. 

_ Four in. _

_ Seven hold. _

_ Eight out.  _

Again. Again. Again. He breathes. 

“Sorry.” 

“Nonsense.” Dev says. “I’d be pretty freaked out too, in your position.” Baz nods, giving them both a grateful look. 

They sit in silence for a while, the diary on the floor with them. 

“So.” Dev begins. “What’s the plan?” Baz looks up at him.

“The plan?” 

“Well, we’re gonna get at the bottom of this, aren’t we? So, what’s the plan?” 

“ _ We?”  _

“Who else?” Dev asks, brows furrowed. Niall pats his knees.

“Of course we’ll help you, Baz. We’re family.” 

Sometimes, Baz really, really loves them. 

_ Get your shit together, Pitch.  _

_ “ _ Right. In this case, I think we should talk to Ebeneza Petty.” 

“Who?” Niall asks at the same time that Dev says “The gardner?” 

“Yes. She worked for my mother for years, up to the day she died. If something  _ did  _ happen that night, she might have seen something.”

They all look at each other for a second. Then Dev nods. 

“It’s decided, then. We’ll look for her tomorrow.” 

“Oh, but I already know where she is.”

“What? How? Where?” Baz grimaces. 

“She works for  _ him,  _ now.” 

“For Davy?” Baz nods. “Well, that’s not suspicious at all.” 

“We’ll go tomorrow.” Baz says, wiping his cheeks again. 

“You alright, Baz?” Dev asks, and Baz shakes his head.

“No, I- I don’t know.”    
“It’ll be okay, Baz. We’ll get through this together.” Niall says, and Baz nods, leaning his head against the wall.

“Yeah, yeah okay.” 

**SIMON**

Simon is shaking with anxiety, the gin that he’s been drinking for the past hour is not really helping. He’s very well past tipsy by now, the room swimming a bit. 

“Simon? He’s here.” Davy says from behind his closed door. Simon might just puke.

He gets on his feet and opens the door. Davy smiles at him, smoothing down invisible creases on his shirt. 

“You look good, son.” Davy says, cupping his face. “Go get him.” 

It’s like watching somebody from far away, he sees himself nodding and he’s vaguely aware that he’s walking down the stairs but it doesn’t feel real. The car is waiting for him at the entrance and Simon gets in. 

“Hello, Simon.” Mr. Humdrum is incredibly average looking. Blondish hair and brown eyes, a bit of stubble on his chin. 

“Good evening, sir.” 

“It is now.” He says, smiling. Simon smiles back.

**

Simon is drunk. Humdrum runs one hand through his hair, tilting his face back. Simon lets him, lets the man kiss his way up his neck. If Simon closes his eyes he can almost it’s Baz.

Davy texted him a while ago that someone is waited to take photos of them, it’s why he insisted on turning on the lights. Humdrum didn’t protest, only offered him champagne. 

“You’re so hot, babe.” 

Simon parts his lips, leaning in for a kiss. It’s full on tongue and teeth in the worst way possible, and Humdrum has a hand on his ass, squeezing, which is highly uncomfortable. 

Simon rests his hands over his shoulder, cringing when the man pulls at his hair.

_ Focus, Simon.  _

He might puke. 

Then his phone vibrates. Simon reaches blindly for it, pulling away from Humdrum. It’s Davy.

**Davy:** _ Done.  _

Thank fuck. 

Simon clears his voice, sitting back. 

“I gotta go.” He says, standing up. Humdrum looks taken aback for half a second, before anger flashes in his eyes. Every single muscle in Simon’s body tenses, because he knows that look, has seen so many times, in the foster homes and in Davy’s eyes.

He steps back, reaching for his jacket.

“You’re not going anywhere.” Humdrum says, grabbing his wrists. Alarms go off in Simon’s head, and he tries to pull himself free to no avail. “We’re not done here.” Humdrum growls.

“Yeah, we are.” He says. His mind is spinning. 

Humdrum pulls him in for another kiss, holding his wrists so tight that he’s probably leaving bruises. Simon starts trashing, panic raising in his throat. 

“Let me-

“Shut up, slut.” Humdrum pushes him against a wall, crashing their lips together again, demanding and angry. 

“No, fuck- 

Humdrum is grinning, one hand reaching down to fidget with Simon’s belt, palming him through his jeans. His other hand closes tightly around Simon’s neck, cutting off all air. Simon feels tears pooling in his eyes.

_ Focus, Simon.  _

He knees Humdrum right on his crotch. He groans, stepping back and letting Simon go. He takes his jacket and bolts. 

He runs out of the room, leaving the man to curse after him, he runs and runs until he’s out of the hotel, heart beating fast in his chest. Once he’s outside he slows down. He pulls on his jacket with shaking hands, swallowing the tears. He calls Davy. 

“ _ Amazing work, Simon. I got the photos, they’re perfect.”  _ Simon thinks he should say something, but he can’t talk, can’t even breathe. He still feels Humdrum’s hands on his body, gripping, pulling, hurting. 

“Sir.” He says in the end, hoping that Davy thinks it’s enough. Apparently it is, because Davy says something else that Simon doesn’t care about and then hangs up. 

_ Focus, Simon.  _

He can’t. The city around him is blurry, people filling the sidewalks, bars and clubs loud and chaotic, it’s making his dizzy. 

He can’t breathe. He lights himself a cigarette, leaning against the wall of a bar. He’s shaking so much that he almost drops his cigarette. Simon runs one hand through his hair, pulling hard, and the pain is sharp enough that it distracts him from his swirling mind for a second. 

_ Focus, Simon.  _

He wishes he was drunker, anything to get rid of the ghost of Humdrum’s hands over his body. Simon looks down at his hands, finding that the man did leave bruises around his wrists. He’s going to puke.

He stumbles into a bar, earning a couple of weird looks. He must look crazy. He leans over the bar. 

“What can I get ya?” The bartender asks. Simon squeezes his eyes shut for a second, trying to force the words out of his throat. 

“Gin. Hendrick’s. Leave the bottle.” Simon throws a couple of bills on the bar, hoping it’s enough. It is, judging from the bartender’s reaction. 

“Mate, are you alright?” The guy asks, handing him the bottle. Simon nods, take the bottle and walks back outside. 

He stumbles in a smaller street, away from the chaos of the bigger roads. He lets himself fall on the ground, leaning against the wall. He pulls at his hair again, opens the bottle, take a long sip, lights a cigarette, drags, the smokes fills his lungs and the gin bruns in his stomach, he can’t breathe, can’t think, another sip, another, there are hands on his body, tears roll down his cheeks, he can’t  _ breathe- fuck- _

_ Focus, Simon. _

He takes another long sip of his gin, wishing his stupid brain would just shut the  _ fuck  _ up. He pulls his jacket tighter around himself. His skin is prickling, too tight around his body, and he wishes he could stop feeling like this, wishes he could stop feeling in general, wishes he could- 

_ Focus, Simon.  _

He takes out his phone. He can barely read the names on his contact book, but he’s called the number enough time that it’s muscle memory by now. Penny picks up at the second ring.

“ _ Hey, Si, what’s up?” _ _   
_ “Penny- Pen, I- I’m-

“ _ Simon, are you okay?”  _

That’s easy.

_ Focus, Simon. _

“No.” 

“ _ Where are you?”  _

“I don’t- I don’t know-

“ _ Simon, send me your position. Don’t close the call, okay?”  _ Simon nods, thinking distantly that she can’t see him but it doesn’t matter. He struggles a minute to do what she asked, fingers shaking over the screen. 

“ _ Perfect, Simon. I’m coming there, okay?” _

_ “ _ Yeah.” He closes his eyes, bringing the bottle to his lips again. “I’m sorry, Penny.”   
“ _ It’s okay, Simon. Everything is going to be okay, you understand? You’ll be okay.”  _ Simon might be laughing, he’s not sure, his lips do feel stretched. He wants to tell Penny that she’s funny, whatever she said was funny, Simon doesn’t remember.

_ “Simon, are you drunk?” _

Is he drunk? He opens his eyes, and the world tilts on his axe.

“Maybe, yeah- I’m- he- he had-

“ _ Stop drinking, Simon.”  _ She says in that voice that doesn’t allow disobedience. Simon was always good at following orders. It’s the only reason Davy still keeps him around after all.

_ Focus, Simon. _

He puts the bottle on the side, grabbing his cigarettes instead. 

“ _ Simon, what happened?”  _ Simon shakes his head, and the tears are back. Simon smokes, and the tobacco tastes like shit on his mouth, but it cancels out Humdrum’s taste, so he keeps smoking. Once the first cigarette is finished, he lights another, and another. His hands are still shaking. 

“ _ Simon, are you still there?” _ _   
_ _ “ _ Yeah.” 

“ _ What happened, Si?”  _

“I can’t.” He says, wiping his cheeks. “I can’t. He- he doesn’t- he’ll get mad, I can’t, I can’t-

“ _ Alright, Simon. It’s okay, you don’t need to tell me.”  _ Her voice is soothing and familiar. Simon wishes she was already here. Penny is always able to put Simon back together. 

“ _ I’m almost there, Si, yeah? I’m like, five minutes away.”  _ Simon nods, closing his eyes. He takes a deep breath, a deep drag, another breath, another cigarette. 

_ Focus, Simon.  _

“Simon!” He forces his eyes open, trying to figure out why Penny is screaming in his ear, when suddenly she’s in front of him, eyes wide and hair messy. “Fuck, Simon.” She has tears in her eyes, and she pulls him into a bone-crushing hug. Simon buries his face in her shoulder, unsure if the next sob is coming from him or her. 

“Penny.” He murmurs. She runs her fingers through his hair, brushing her thumb over his neck. 

“Oh, Simon.” She whispers, voice shaky. He hand keeps tracing something over his throat.

“What-

“Who did this?” She asks, and her voice is so angry that Simon flinches, instinctively pulling back. Her eyes go wide. “Shit, sorry, Si, sorry, I’m not angry at you, yeah?” Simon nods, squeezing his eyes shut. 

“Look, Si, Baz is on his way okay?”

“Why?”

“Because I can’t lift you by myself and you can’t walk.” She answers quietly, and Simon nods. It makes sense. He’s very glad he called her. 

Penny holds him tight against her, and Simon lets her. Lets her perfume, of vanilla and mint and home, ground him, here and now, away from Humdrum’s rough hands. 

“Bunce- oh,  _ what the fuck?”  _ Penny pulls away, and Simon looks up, fiding Baz staring at him. He tries to smile.

“Hi, Baz.” He whispers. Baz kneels beside him, eyes dark and swirling with emotions. Or maybe Simon is the one swirling, his mind is still spinning fast, everything feels a bit blurry and dull. 

“Christ, Simon, fuck- Bunce, what the fuck is going on?”   
“I found him like this, Baz, we need to take him home-

Simon shivers, it feels like all the air just got sucked out of his lungs.

“No.” He says, pulling his knees up to his chest. He can’t breathe. “Not home.” 

He can’t breathe. There are fingers running through his hair. 

“Okay, my place then.” Baz says.

_ Focus, Simon.  _

“Come on, Si, ready?” Penny asks. They take on of his arms each, and suddenly Simon is on his feet, and his knees are shaking. Baz slides one arm around his waist, pulling his closer. 

“Baz.” 

“I’m right here, love. Let’s go, okay?” Simon nods, and takes the first step. 

**BAZ** **  
** Simon is fucking disaster. He’s curled against Baz side in his limo, Penny is holding his hand and Simon refuses to let go of either of them. It’s okay, neither him or Penny want to let him go. The trip to Pitch Manor is unbearably long. Simon is shaking like a goddamn leaf, eyes closed.

There are angry bruises all around his neck, more around his wrists. Baz doesn’t know what to think. 

Dev and Niall are waiting for them at the door, luckily. Dev helps Baz carry Simon inside, and they stumble their way to Baz’s room, laying Simon gently on his bed. 

“What the fuck is going on?” Dev asks then, running one hand through his hair. Baz doesn’t answer, bringing a glass of water to Simon.

“Simon, drink this.” Simon nods, gulping down the water. He sits beside him on the bed, running his hand through the blond curls, there’s a thin layer of sweat over his skin. 

“Guys, what the fuck.” Niall says. 

“I don’t know. He called me and I found on the ground like this.” Baz can’t remember if Bunce has ever looked so panicked since they’ve known each other. “He won’t tell me what happened.” 

Baz runs his fingers over the collar of bruises on his neck and Simon flinches, eyes flying open. 

“Simon.”   
“Stop.” He says and Baz pulls away his hand as if burned. Simon sits up, pale as a fucking ghost. “Don’t touch me.” He grits out, voice hoarse and low. He pulls at his hair and Baz’s heart clenches. 

“Simon, love, stop-

Simon exhales deeply, hands shaking. He looks up and his eyes are so empty. Baz’s blood turns to ice. He looks over at Penny as she seems to be thinking the same thing. 

“Si.” She calls quietly. “Simon-

Simon gets up, leaning against the wall to steady himself. He sways a bit of his feet and stumbles to the bathroom, locking the door behind himself. 

Baz looks at Penny and she holds his gaze, eyes filled with worry and fear. 

“Guys, he’s scaring me.” Niall whispers, and Dev pulls him closer. Baz stands up, and it that moment retching sounds come from the bathroom. Penny flinches. 

“That’s good, he’s getting rid of whatever he drunk.” Dev says. 

“Don’t you think we should call someone? Like his father?” Niall asks, and it’s a good question. It makes sense, except that Penny whips around so fast that Baz get nausea just from looking at her.

“No.” She says, certain and definitive.    
“Why not?”   
“Because I fucking said so, yeah?”   
Penny’s eyes are fiery as she stares Niall down, and he nods silently. 

Simon retches again behind the door. Baz wants to rip his hair out. Instead, he knocks genly at the door.    
“Simon.” There’s no answer, Baz thinks he might be crying. Penny is at his side in a second, leaning against the door. Her eyes are watery, but she looks calm. As if it’s not the first time they’ve done this. 

Baz is missing so many pieces, and he hates not knowing things. 

Penny kneels down, pressing her forehead on the door.

“Simon, it’s me. Why don’t you open the door, mh? So I can help you. Please, let me help you, Si.” Baz has never seen her being so soft. 

“Go away.” Simon’s voice comes through muffled and low. 

“You know I won’t. Just open the door, we can figure it out together, like we always do. It will be okay, Si, just open the door, please.” 

The lock clicks open. 

Penny stands up, taking a deep breathe. She turns to look at Dev and Niall.

“Leave.” She says.  _ Orders,  _ it’s more accurate. Dev and Niall look over at Baz, and Baz nods at them. He watches them exit the room, before turning to Penny again.

“Now what?”    
“Now you go in.” Baz doesn’t even question it, pushing the door open. 

“Simon?” Simon is there, eyes red and wide, looking like an absolute disaster, sitting on the bathroom floor with his knees drawn up to his chest. 

“Baz?” His voice is hoarse. Baz kneels down beside him, careful to not touch him. 

“Yeah, it’s me, love. How are you feeling?” 

“Like shit. Fuckin’ terrible.” He whispers, rubbing his eyes. 

“What happened?” Simon shakes his head, exhaling. “Simon, please tell me.” 

“I can’t, Baz. I can’t.” Baz decides to drop it. There’s no point in pressing, Simon will tell him if he wants to. 

“Can I hug you?” Simon nods.

“Please.” Baz releases a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding, wrapping his arms around him slowly, so he can pull away if he wants. He doesn’t, hiding his face in Baz’s chest. Baz holds him closer, tighter. 

“You’re okay.” He whispers. He swears he’s never letting Simon go. “I got you.” 

**

Simon is sleeping. 

He’s between Baz and Penny, in Baz’s bed, curled on himself, as if he’s trying to make himself as small as possible. Penny is running her fingers through his hair.

“What do you think happened?” Baz whispers in the darkness of the room. She shakes her head slowly, exhaling. There’s a lamp on and it’s throwing a golden light in the room.

“I don’t know. I’ve never seen him like this before.” Baz hesitates. 

“But you have seen this before.” He says, and Penny looks away, doesn’t answer. “Bunce, I saw you. You knew what you were doing, knew what to say, what to do.” 

“Simon’s always been a bit of mess.” 

“That’s not it, Bunce. I’m not an idiot.” Penny stares at him, scrutinizing, analyzing. Baz feels a bit vulnerable under her gaze, but he doesn’t look away. 

“You love him.” She says, like it’s a fact. It is, but it’s like being punched. 

“What the fuck, Bunce.” She’s smiling now, eyes much softer than before. 

“You’re in love with him, aren’t you?” 

“Bunce, shut up.” Baz feels tears burning in his eyes and has to look away. 

“Baz, it’s a good thing. Being a love is good.” She says softly, and Baz scoffs. 

“Yeah, the fucking best.” Baz would like to rip his heart out of his chest right about now. Being as it is, he looks down at Simon again, face relaxed, dry tears on his cheeks. 

“You should tell him.” Penny continues. Baz glares.

“No thank you.” 

“I get it, you’re scared, but you won’t know what will happen unless you try.” 

“Thank you for this unsolicited advice, Bunce. Now shut up.” Penny does, closing her eyes. She lays down on her side, facing Simon. He’s still holding her hand, fingers curled hers. 

“Don’t think I haven’t noticed you avoided the question.” Baz says and Penny sighs. 

“I can’t tell you. It’s not my place.”    
“Then who’s place is it?”   
“His.” Penny says, pressing a kiss on Simon’s temple. “Let’s sleep.” 

Baz nods to himself, turning off the lamp. He puts one arm around Simon’s side, closing his eyes. 

**

Simon wakes up screaming. Baz and Penny are awake in a second. Baz takes his face between his hands. 

“Simon, Simon, love-

“ _ Fuck,  _ fuck, shit- shit, don’t, stop-

“Si, no one is doing anything-

“Simon, it was a dream, love. A nightmare.”   
“Simon, breathe.” 

Simon sobs, pulling at his hair. 

“Baz?” He whispers. Baz nods, brushing his thumb over his cheek. “Pen?” 

“Yes, yes it’s us, love.”   
“We’re right here, Simon.” Another sobs wretches itself out of Simon’s lips, Baz’s heart clenches. 

“I’m- I’m sorry, I- fuck-

“No, Si, it’s not your fault, okay?”

“Penny, Pen, I can’t- he- he’ll-

“Shh, Simon, it’s okay. It’s okay.” 

Simon is crying, his face hidden against Baz’s shoulder. Baz holds him close, and Penny rubs circles in his back. Simon cries and Baz’s heart breaks. 

He’ll find out what happened and then he’ll kill the bastard that did it. 

**SIMON**

Simon opens his eyes and feels nothing. Or maybe he feels too much. He’s not sure. He figures it doesn’t matter that much.

Simon opens his eyes and he’s exhausted. No energy left in his body. 

It must be early morning. He’s in Baz’s bed, with Baz and Penny at his sides. Penny is still holding his hand, and Baz has one arm over his stomach. It’s good, Simon thinks. It reminds him where he is, who he is with. 

Simon’s head hurts a lot, and so does his chest. 

“Simon?” Simon turns his face to Baz. He’s painfully beautiful. 

“I’m sorry.” He can almost feel Humdrum’s lips on his. “Baz, I’m sorry.” He whispers. He thinks he should tell Baz, maybe not the whole thing, but that he kissed someone else. Does it matter that he didn’t want to? He did go with him by himself.

“Why are you sorry?” Baz is also whispering. He strokes Simon’s cheek and it’s suck a tender gestures that it breaks Simon. He doesn’t realize he’s crying until he feels the tears sliding down his cheek, catching on Baz’s thumb.

“I didn’t want to.” Simon forces out. “I didn’t want him to.” 

“Didn’t want what?” Baz’s eyes are dark. Penny stirs on his other side. 

“The kisses. I didn’t want him to.” Baz freezes and Simon knows he’s fucked up. 

_ Focus, Simon. _

He sits up, hands shaking in his lap. He can’t breathe. There are hands on his throat, tight, cutting his air supply and he can’t see anything, he can’t breathe-

“ _ Simon.”  _ Penny’s voice cuts through the mess in his mind, and he sucks in a sharp gulp of air. 

“Shit, I’m sorry-

“Simon for fuck’s sake stop apologising.” Baz’s voice is sharp and Simon flinches, shutting his mouth close. 

“Christ, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean-

“Baz, what the fuck-

“Simon did you mean it?” Simon closes his eyes.

“Mean what?” Penny asks, but Baz ignores her. He’s got his hands intertwined with Simon’s. 

“Simon, please, tell me.” Simon nods, opening his eyes again and meeting Baz’s. There’s a storm there, lightning and thunders in the shapes of grey stripes. 

“Fuck, Simon.” Baz pulls him into a hug, and Simon lets him, resting his head on his shoulder. He hugs Baz’s back, digging his fingers in his back. Baz’s is strong and solid under his hands, steady. 

“Someone kissed him without his consent.” Baz says out loud, to Penny, and she gasps. “Simon it’s not your fault.”   
_ Except that it is. It is my fault, I deserved it.  _

“Oh my God, Simon.”    
“I’m okay.” He hears himself saying. He pulls away from Baz, wiping his cheeks. “I’m okay.”    
“Simon you were so drunk you couldn’t walk last night, I think you’re far from okay.” 

Simon shrugs. He’s hungry. 

“I’m hungry.” Baz blinks, looking at Penny. 

“Simon-

“I don’t want to talk about it.” He says. He gets up, running his hands through his hair. “I’m hungry.” He says again, walking over in the kitchenette. 

“You can’t keep bottling up everything, Simon.” Penny says, in that matter-of-fact way of hers. Simon ignores her, opening up a random cabinet and finding a bag of cereal. He puts some in a cup with some milk and starts eating. He feels slightly better.

Baz and Penny are whispering between themselves, but Simon doesn’t have nearly enough energy to care about it. He eats quietly and quickly, finding his phone on the table. 

It is early, not even eight yet. 

Baz sits down beside him at some point, and Penny hops on the kitchen counter. They don’t say anything and Simon doesn’t either. Simon wants to take Baz’s hand, but he doesn’t know if he should, or can. He feels dirty. Used. 

Davy did use him, it’s what he does. He uses Simon, and Simon lets him because he’s pathetic and weak. 

Davy did a lot for him, but he also did a lot  _ to  _ him. 

Simon decides he doesn’t want to think about it anymore, so he pushes the thought aside. He’s very good at ignoring his thoughts. 

They sit in silence for a long time, until Dev and Niall open the door quietly. 

“Hey, guys.” Simon keeps staring at the table. 

“Boys.” Baz greets. They sit at the table, and Simon watches Dev, Niall and Baz share a completely silent conversation. At the end, Baz sighs, frowning. 

“Simon I need to ask you a favour.” Baz says, breaking the silence. Simon looks up at him. “I need to talk to Ebeneza Petty.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are always appreciated, let me know what you think!


	9. Cradles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, friends, i bring to you chapter 9!   
> Also dark one, so please read the Warnings carefully and be safe!  
> Comments and kudos are always appreciated!
> 
> Song: Cradles by Sub Urban
> 
> Warnings:  
> -Child abuse  
> -Panic attacks  
> -General anxiety  
> -These kids are trying to solve a murder  
> -Mentions of drugs and drug abuse  
> -Drinking  
> -Emotional smut (?) (Is this even a thing idk)

_ [I love everything _

_ Fire spreading all around my room _

_ My world's so bright _

_ It's hard to breathe but that's alright _

_ Hush] _

**SIMON**

“Simon I need to ask you a favour.” Baz says, breaking the silence. Simon looks up at him. “I need to talk to Ebeneza Petty.”

“Ebb?” Simon’s voice is raspy. 

“Yes. She’s your gardener, isn’t she?” Simon wants to say that Ebb is much more than that, he’s like a mother to Simon, but it feels like a lot of effort, so he doesn’t. 

“Why?” Penny asks, always asking the right questions. 

“It’s a long story.” Simon shrugs. 

“We’ve got time.” Penny says. Baz sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose. 

“I have reasons to believe she might have information on what happened the night that my mother died.” 

Simon can tell that not even Penny was expecting that to be the answer. There’s more silence, as Simon tries to figure out what the fuck is going on. 

“I thought it was an accident. The news said it was an accident.” Penny says. Baz nods.

“That’s correct. The news and the police said that.” 

“Why are you looking into it, then? And why only now?”

Baz is staring hard at him, his grey eyes burning holes in his soul.

Then Baz looks away, to Dev who nods, and then to Niall, who also seem to agree on whatever they’re discussing _. _

“Yesterday I found some old diaries of my mother. They go up to the day before her death. In them, she mentions some things that led me to suspect that the fire- that the fire might not have been an accident.” He pauses, breathing deeply. His fists are clenched to tightly that his knuckles are white. Simon really wants to take his hands. 

“You think she was  _ killed?”  _ Baz looks like he just got punched. Simon would know, he did punch him a couple of times. “And by who?” 

“You will not like the answer.” 

“I don’t like anything you say, Baz.” Simon forces a smirk, and it earns him a shy smile from Baz, barely a quirk of his lips, really, but it’s good enough for Simon. He unclenches his fists.

“Well, you’ll like this even less than usual.”

“Just say it, Baz.” His smile is gone.

“Davy.” As soon as the name leaves his lips, the room falls into dead silence. 

Simon can't breathe.

_ No. _

_ Focus, Simon. _

_ No. No way. No fucking way. _

He gets up, shaking. 

He doesn’t realize he’s in the bathroom until he’s there, Penny is right behind him, closing the door behind herself. Simon leans over the sink, and pukes the little breakfast he had. 

His eyes are watering, and his stomach and throat are burning, his knees struggling to hold him up. 

_ Focus, Simon. _

He can’t breathe.  _ Again. _

This is starting to get old. 

“Simon?” Penny is rubbing circles in his back. 

“Fuck, sorry.”   
“It’s okay.” Simon washes his face with cold water, drinking some of it.

“Si? How are you feeling?” Simon shrugs, not sure himself. He looks at his image in the mirror. 

_ Focus, Simon. _

He looks like a fucking disaster. His eyes are red and puffy, eye bags dark against his pale skin. There’s a collar of bruises around his neck, purple and angry. 

_ Focus, Simon. _

“Simon, talk to me, please.” He shakes his head now, gripping the edge of the sink. Penny stares, waits. Simon closes his eyes, trying to put his thoughts in order. 

“Do you- do you think he- I mean- you think he- would he- he wouldn’t- I- I don’t-

He’s getting frustrated, as he always does when he can’t get the right words out. She takes his hands, and finally Simon looks at her. 

“I don’t know.” She answers. “It’s hard to imagine it, but- Simon we have to consider the facts. Just, look at you. You’re his  _ son.  _ Natasha Pitch was his major political opponent.” 

Simon has never felt this broken. It must show on his face, because Penny’s voice is gentler when she speaks again.

“Look, Simon, we don’t know if he really did it. We need more facts, we need proof. We need to talk to Ebb.” Simon nods. She’s right, of course. And he would really like to see Ebb. “Are you okay?” 

“Yeah, fine.” And with that he’s opening the door and walking back into the bedroom, where Baz and his friends are waiting for them. Simon lets her go in first and four pair of eyes are staring at her now. 

“Alright, let’s go boys.” 

**

Simon is standing in front of the gate, unable to bring himself to unlock the door. He can feel his friends’ eyes on his back, but he’s frozen. He doesn’t know if Davy’s home. 

He really doesn’t want to see Davy. He feels sick.

“Simon?” Baz’s voice cuts through the silence. Simon’s hand is shaking.

_ Focus, Simon. _

“Right. Wait here.” He says, jamming the key in. The house is quiet, all the lights off. Still, Simon doesn’t trust Davy one bit, so he checks both floors quickly, quietly, making sure that Davy really isn’t home. He’s nowhere to be found, though, so Simon lets in his friend. 

Penny takes his hand, squeezing, and Simon squeezes back, flashing her a tiny small. 

They walk through the garden to Ebb’s house. He knocks on her door, and Ebb comes out, smiles when she sees Simon. Simon feels immediately better. He smiles back.

“Hey Ebb.” 

“Simon, love, so good to see you.” She pulls him into a hug and Simon already feels like he can breathe again, which is a relief. She smells of freshly cut grass and lavender, as she always does. Then she pulls back a little and cups his chin, fingers brushing over his neck, her eyes going soft and filling with tears. “Oh love, it happened again, hasn’t it? Well, come in, I’ve got some scones for you.” 

“Uhm, actually- we were hoping- could we talk? For a minute? Are you busy?” She seems to register all the people trailing behind him, and her smiles grows bigger. She wipes away her eyes. 

“Not busy at all, come in guys.” 

They sit around Ebb’s table, and she immediately puts some tea on the stove, rummaging through the cabinets for scones and biscuits. 

“What’s up, love? What did you want to talk about?” 

“Uh, well, you know Penny already, of course. These are- Baz, Dev and Niall.” He begins because he doesn’t really know hot to breach the topic. 

_ Hey Ebb, do you remember seeing Davy at Pitch Manor, the night that Natasha Pitch died?  _

“Baz- Basilton Pitch?” She asks and Baz nods, standing up, hand out. 

“It’s nice to see you again, ma’am.” 

“Oh no, none of that. I haven’t seen you in so long, you were just a baby!” And just like that, Ebb is also sweeping Baz into a hug, and it rips a chuckle out of Simon, because Baz looks extremely flustered. It takes him a moment to figure out what to do, wrapping his arms around her. 

“Right.” When Ebb pulls back, tears are welling up in her eyes again. 

“So, what can I do for you?” Ebb asks again, and Simon looks at Baz, feeling a bit lost. He  _ really  _ doesn’t know how to begin the conversation. Baz nods at him, and turns back to Ebb. 

“You worked at the Manor for a while, yes?” 

“Of course, your mother, bless her soul, hired me as soon as she and Malcolm moved in. We were good friends, me and her.” She sniffles a bit, pouring tea for everyone.

Simon’s eyes fall on the scones. Sour cherry, his favorite. Simon  _ loves  _ her. He starts eating. 

“Yes, we were actually hoping you could tell us about- well, about my mother. And the night of the fire, in particular.” Ebb’s eyes grow big. 

“What do you want to know?” Baz scoots closer with his chair, leaning towards her. 

“I’ve found her diaries, and in the most recent one she mentions being afraid, not feeling safe. She upped the security, didn't she?” Ebb nods, the tea forgotten in her hands. “Why? Why was she so scared?” 

Ebb’s eyes flicker to Simon, and his stomach sinks to the floor. He looks at Penny, and he knows she must have noticed it too. Penny takes his hand. 

“It’s alright Ebb, tell us everything.” Simon has to force the words out, feeling a little breathless. 

“I don’t know anything for sure.” Ebb begins, putting down the cup of tea to wipe her eyes. “But there were rumors. Natasha and Davy, they were always one word away from arguing with each other. Everybody knew Davy was- uhm,  _ ambitious.  _ He knew what- what he wanted, and I- I always thought he wouldn’t stop at anything to get it. I don’t know the whole story-I- I don’t think anybody does. But there were rumors.”

“What kind of rumors?” 

“I knew a person, back then. We were close, and this person was also close to Davy. The rumor was that Davy- how do I- people said.” She stops to blow her nose and wipe her tears again. Her eyes fall on Simon again, and he already knows what she’s going to say. 

“People said that he had a  _ plan,  _ of some sort. To make sure he’d win their battle once and for all.” 

“What was the plan?” Baz asks, and his eyes are on fire. Ebb shakes her head. She’s properly sobbing now, full on hiccups and everything. Simon walks around the table and wraps one arm around her, pulling her close. 

“I- I don’t know- he never told me- 

“Davy?” Baz looks confused now. “Why would Davy tell you?” 

“Baz.” Simon hisses, and Baz flinches.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean like that. I just meant- you worked for my mother, you were friends, why would Davy tell you?” 

“Not Davy.” She answers, and Baz looks even more confused. Ebb pulls away from Simon a little, sniffing. “I shouldn’t tell you. I really,  _ really,  _ shouldn’t.”    
“Why not, Ebb?” Simon asks, looking down at her. “You don’t need to be afraid, nothing’s going to happen to you.” 

“Oh, love, but I’m not worried for myself.” She whispers. 

“Who was it? Ebb, please, tell us.” She shakes her head harder now. She stands up, and turns to Simon, putting her hand on his shoulder, the other cupping his cheek. 

“Love, I can’t tell you.” She sound resolute. Her eyes are shining with tears. “You can’t dive into this. It’s dangerous.” Her thumb brushes on his cheek. 

Simon understand what she’s trying to say. 

_ He’s dangerous.  _

He takes her thin wrists in his hands, forces a smile.

“We’ll be careful.” Ebb is still shaking her head. 

_ You don’t know what he’ll do, what he’s capable of.  _

But Simon knows. He knows  _ intimately  _ what Davy can do. 

“I need to know.” It’s barely a whisper, but she heard him. She always does. 

“Alright. Yeah, okay. Alright.” She turns to Baz again, taking his hands, now. Baz lets her, looking a bit lost.

Simon thinks the private conversation she just had with Ebb might have been very weird to witness, especially without knowing what Ebb and Simon knows. Penny probably figured it out, she knows too. 

“The person who told me about Davy’s plan, was Nicky.” Baz frowns.

“Who?” he asks, as the time that Penny and Simon speak in unison, “Your brother?” 

Ebb nods. 

“Nicky- Nicky was- he was restless, especially back then. He fell in circle with Davy, just like Lucy Salisbury did. Davy was charming, even back then. He made promises to Nicky, and Nicky followed him.” 

“Ebb-

“ _ If  _ the fire wasn’t an accident, as you dear boy are saying, then Nicky might know something.” 

“Ebb, did Nicky- was Nicky involved?” Penny asks, and Ebb looks utterly heartbroken. Simon glares at his best friend, she ignores him. 

“No! No- Nicky could never do something so terrible. Never, I know my brother. He would  _ never  _ do something like that. He didn’t always do the right thing, but he’s  _ a good man.  _ I know that.” She breaks into another sob, and Simon can feel Baz vibrating with annoyance. He glares at Baz too. Lots of glaring today. 

“Hey, Ebb, it’s okay. We know, no one is accusing Nicky of anything.” 

“Miss Petty, do you know where we could find your brother?” Baz asks, clearly making an effort to sound as nice as he can. Ebb shakes her head. 

“No. I haven’t spoken to him in years.” Simon looks at him, trying to figure out if they’re done harassing Ebb. Baz nods. Good. 

“Alright, guys.” Simon says, one hand on Ebb’s shoulder. He looks at Penny. “Why don’t you go back inside and wait for me there?” Penny nods, catching up quickly, and lead Baz and his friends out of the depandance, closing the door behind them. 

Simon sits on the chair in front of her, and takes her hand. 

“Are you okay, Ebb? Baz- is a lot.” She nods, wiping her cheeks. 

“Sorry for all this crying. I haven’t thought about that day in a while, and thinking that anyone could think that Nicky- it breaks my heart.” 

“I know, Ebb, I’m sorry. I told Baz to be nice, but he’s just like that.” Ebb smiles a little, meeting his eyes. Simon blushes a little.  _ Why  _ is he blushing?

“Just like his mother, that boy. He looks so much like her.” She squeezes Simon’s hands. “I meant it, Simon. No one knows what really happened that night. But if your friend is right- be careful.”

“I always am, Ebb. You know me.” He gives her a bit of a crooked smile. “I’ll be okay.” 

“I know you will, love. You’re a strong boy, Simon. One day you’ll be a great man.” Simon nods, huffing a laugh. He really doesn’t feel strong these days.

“Right.” Her hand lingers over his neck one more time, barely brushing the skin, it makes Simon shivers. 

“What happened this time?” Simon looks away, sucking on his bottom lip. 

“Got hurt on the job.” He answers, and it’s good enough. Ebb never asks for more than what he can give. 

“Oh, Simon.” Her eyes are filled with sadness when she pull his into another hug, and Simon lets his head rest on her shoulder. He’s exhausted. “You’ll be okay, I promise.”

“Thanks Ebb. For everything.” 

“It’s quite alright. You know I’m always here to help, with everything you need. It even says so in my contract.” Simon laughs, and stands. 

“I have to go.” 

“I know. Be careful, Simon.” 

“Yeah. Thanks.” Simon kisses her cheek in goodbye and walks out of the door. Penny and the others are sitting on the grass a bit far up the path that connects Ebb’s depandance and the main house. 

“What now?” Simon asks, looking at Baz. Baz blinks, sharing looks with Dev and Niall. 

“Probably go look for this Nicky.” 

“We can help.” Simon says, before he can really think about it. Better  _ not  _ think about it, actually. Baz looks taken aback. 

“Why?” 

“I want to know, same as you.” 

“Alright then.” 

“So what now?” Niall asks. “We don’t know anything about this Nicky.” 

“We’ll figure it out. Let’s go now, it’s time for lunch anyway.” Penny says, with some finalty in her tone. 

**

They go back to Baz’s house, because Simon can’t stand to stay for one more second in his house and the others seem to pick up on it, luckily.

“Hey Baz, maybe your father knows something about this guy.” Penny says, and Baz nods.

“Excellent idea, Bunce. I’ll ask him tonight.”

“So, what do we do?” Simon asks, looking at Baz _.  _

“Let’s google it.” Niall says. Simon shrugs. 

“Sure, why not.” Baz says. “What’s his full name, do we know?” 

“Nicodemus Petty.” Simon answers. 

“Well, look at you Simon, actually knowing things once in your life.” Simon flips Baz off, Dev and Niall snickering. Baz smiles at him, though, and it warms Simon’s chest. Maybe he should take Baz’s hand.

He does, and Baz squeezes, still smiling.

Simon breathes a bit easily.

“The only thing here is an old picture from a yearbook.” Niall announces and shows them the picture of an a blonde guy, who looks a lot like Ebb. 

“Well, they really look like twins.” Dev comments, and Simon can’t help but agree. He looks up at Baz.

“Baz, you alright?” He asks. He looks really pale. 

“I know him.” Baz says, his eyes flickering to Dev and Niall. 

In a way, they communicate the same way that Penny and Simon do. It’s extremely annoying to witness from outside. 

“How?” Simon asks, frowning. Baz clears his throat, looking highly uncomfortable. 

“We used to run in the same circles, so to speak.” 

“What do you mean? How is that possible?” 

Baz has cigarette between his fingers in half a second. He walks to the window and pushes it open, lightning it. 

“Baz?” Niall calls, and Baz takes a long drag.

**BAZ**

Well, this is fucked. He’s pretty sure Dev and Niall caught up with him, but Penny and Simon look as confused as ever. After all, Malcolm made sure that none of the  _ adventures  _ he had at that time made it in the tabloids. 

But he does know Nicodemus Petty, he simply hadn’t connected the names, because back then Baz knew him as Nico, no surname. 

“Baz?” Niall calls him. Well, he doesn’t need to  _ explain  _ it to them. It’s not a vital detail to their investigation. It’s fine. 

“I’m fine.” He answers, and look back at Snow, his blue eyes sparkling with curiosity. “I used to see him around, a couple years ago. Nothing special.” Simon is still staring at him, and Baz is hundred percent sure that he can see right through his bullshit. 

“And do you know where we can look for him?” Penny asks. Right, that’s where it gets a bit tricky. 

“Yes. It’s not- ideal.” 

“Nothing about this is ideal.” Simon says, and it’s true. 

Baz’s skin feels uncomfortably tight, itching. 

“We can go look for him tonight.” 

“Why not now?” 

“Because I only know where he’ll be at night.”   
“That’s not creepy at all, Baz.” Simon gives him a tiny smile, and Baz’s heart clenches. 

“It is what it is.”   
“So what do we do until tonight?” Niall asks. Simon shrugs.

“Wait?” Baz replies. 

“Right. Anyone hungry?” 

  
  


**SIMON**

They end going out for lunch together, and Penny also shoots a text to Agatha and Shepard if they want to join. They meet up at a chinese place that Shepard swears up and down it’s the best chinese restaurant in London.

It is pretty good. Simon is impressed. 

“How do you even know this place?” Niall’s question is understandable. The restaurant is far from easy to find, a small eden of Kung Pao Chicken tucked between two buildings. 

“I like to walk around. Explore the city. London has no secrets from me.” 

“No, you just get lost all the time because you refuse to use google Maps.” Penny teases, a smile playing on her lips. 

“She’s right, Shep.” Simon confirms. Shepard looks straight up betrayed. 

“Like you’re one to talk, Si. Remember that time you got lost in the mall?” 

“It was a big mall, I had never been there!” The entire table is laughing, even Baz is smiling. 

“Sure thing, Simon.” Agatha runs her fingers through his hair, petting his head, and then Baz isn’t smiling anymore. 

“Fuck off, all of you.” 

The lunch goes like that. Once they’re outside, Baz hands a couple of cigarettes to Dev and Niall, and lights one for himself as well. Simon gets one for himself, the tobacco tastes a lot like last night, and it makes Simon’s brain swim a bit, in a good way. 

“So, what now?” Dev asks. Simon shrugs, eyes flying to Penny, even though it’s Agatha that answers. 

“Baz’s place?” 

“Why is it always my place? Don’t you all have a house?”   
“Shut up, Baz. I know you like us.” Agatha says, smirking. 

“I barely tolerate all of you.” 

“Shut up, Baz. I know you like them. Some more than others.” 

“You’re on thin fucking ice, Niall.” Baz blushes, and he’s incredibly pretty. Simon catches his eyes, smiling softly at him. “But fine, let’s go.” 

**BAZ**

“Do you plan on telling them?” 

“Tell them what?” Baz asks, grabbing some chips, biscuits and scones for Simon. They’re in the kitchen, grabbing enough food to keep them going until dinner. The others are waiting for them up in Baz’s room. 

“How you know this Nicky.” Niall elaborates, and Baz whips around, glaring at him.

“Do I plan to tell Simon and his little gang about my cocaine addiction? No, I don’t think so.” 

“I’m not sure you’re gonna be able to hide it.” Niall says jumping down from the counter. “People might recognize you, you know?”

“I’m not telling Simon about any of that. There was a reason Malcolm paid that much money to keep it from the tabloids. Knowing Agatha, the entire population of London would know about it by the end of the night if I told her.” 

“That’s just rude.” 

“Exactly.” 

“Not her, you, Baz.” 

“What? What did  _ I  _ do?” 

“She’s nice.” Niall says. 

“How mature of you.” 

“Just because she fucked Dev before we got together it doesn’t mean she’s a bitch. She’s quite nice.” 

“Of course. You’re so wise, Niall.” 

“Fuck off, Baz.” Baz smirks at him. 

“Anyway. What happened last night?” Baz sighs, pushing his hair away from his face.

“It’s a long fucking story.” 

“Simon was an absolute mess.”

“He always is.”   
“You’re so fucking smitten, Baz.”

“Shut up, Niall.” 

“I’m just saying, it’s cute.” Baz glares at him, starting to go back upstairs. “Do you plan on telling him at some point?” 

“No. He doesn’t like me like that, there’s no point.”   
“You’re such a masochist.” 

“I’m fine, thank you very much.”    
“Sure you are.”

They go back to their room, finding the others sitting in a circle on the floor, playing cards. 

“What are you doing?” Niall asks, dropping the snacks beside them. He sits on Dev’s side, pressing a kiss on his cheek. Dev smiles down at him, taking his hand.

“Poker.” He replies. Baz ends up close to Simon as he always seem to do. “Baz you playing?”

“Nah, I’ll give you a chance to win.” Simon laughs.

“Fuck off, Baz. I bet you’re not even that good.” 

“You want to test that theory?” Baz asks, gesturing at Dev to give him the cards. Dev shakes his head, smiling. 

“Yes, I do, actually.” Simon smiles, and Baz  _ really  _ want to kiss him. But he can't, because they're not like that, they're not a couple, no matter how much Baz wishes they were. He forces his eyes away from Simon, before he does something he’ll regret. 

** 

Simon and his gang hang around for a couple of hours. Around five p.m. Agatha leaves because apparently her parents are coming home after being gone for a while and she has something that she needs to tell them. 

Penny and Shep leave soon after to go to the movies. 

“Are you sure you don’t want to come?” Shepard asks Simon, before going.    
“Guys, I’m not third wheeling at your date.” Simon replies with a smile. “I’ll go home.”   
“Si-

“It’s okay, Penny.” Simon’s smile falters a little but none of them mention it. 

“Fine. See you tonight.” Simon nods, and with that she and Shepard leave. Simon turns to look at Baz, who was definitely overhearing the entire conversation. 

“Well, I guess I’ll just go too.” He says, fidgeting with the hem of his shirt. 

“You can stay, if you want.” Baz says, trying to sound as nonchalant as he can manage. 

“Are you sure?”    
“I don’t care what you do, Snow.” Baz says, scrolling on his phone just to have something to do. Simon nods, exhaling as if he’d been holding his breath. 

“Thanks.” He sits back on the couch, and suddenly Baz is acutely aware that they've got the whole room for themselves, since Dev and Niall disappeared in Niall's room a while ago. Baz goes to sit beside him. 

He hasn't kissed Simon since before the funeral. It's been a few crazy days. 

Simon is staring at him, and Baz wonders if he's thinking the same things. 

“Baz.” He says, licking his lips. Baz follows the movement with his eyes, wishing he could also lick Simon’s lips. Does Simon even want to be kissed after last night? 

So much has changed in three days, and Baz doesn’t know how to act. 

He doesn’t like being so unsure, doesn’t like having to question himself so much. 

“Baz, can I kiss you?” Simon’s eyes are shining, brighter than the summer sky.

“Are you sure?” Baz has to ask. 

“Yeah.” 

“Simon-

“‘s okay if you don’t want me to.” Simon looks down. Baz cups one hand on his cheek, strokes his thumb over his lips. 

“I just want you to be sure. Especially after last night, I just don’t want you to do it because you think you have to.” 

“I want to, Baz.” Simon replies, looking up and nuzzling against Baz’s hand. Baz nods them, more pleased than what he cares to admit. 

“Okay, then.”   
“Okay.” Simon repeats. Baz stands still, counts the freckles across his nose and the moles on his face as he leans in, painfully slow. 

Kissing Simon is like walking into a burning forest. It lights every nerve in Baz’s body, a thrill running down his spine. It’s a hungry kiss, full of tongue and teeth, Simon pulling him in, closer,  _ closer,  _ until Baz is on his lap and every inch of Baz’s body is alive. Simon runs his fingers through his hair, kisses his neck, his other hand sneaking around his waist. 

“Simon.” Baz whispers, throwing back his head to give Simon better access to his throat. 

“I missed you.” Simon says against his skin. “Baz.” He says and it sounds like a prayer. 

Baz takes his face between his hands, gets lost in an ocean of sapphires, crushes their mouths together again. 

_ I love you.  _ He thinks. Simon licks into his mouth, fingers digging in his hips. 

_ I love you.  _ Baz leans down to kiss the ring of bruises around Simon’s neck, and he shivers under his touch.

_ I love you.  _ Simon slips his fingers under Baz’s shirt, hands stroking his skin. 

_ I love you.  _ Simon stands up, holding him from under his thighs. Baz whimpers, crossing his ankle behind Simon’s back and holding on tight on his shoulders. He laughs, and Simon smiles against his lips. Sometimes he forgets how Simon is, but it’s always a very pleasant surprise. 

Simon puts him down on the bed, on his back, and Baz reaches up for another kiss. Simon pulls back just a little, enough that Baz can’t crush their mouths together. 

“Simon.” He growls. Simon only smiles.

“Kiss me.” He says, and Baz smirks, flipping them over so he’s on top again. He leans down to claim his lips in another burning kiss. 

Simon pulls at his shirt.    
“Can I?” Simona asks and Baz nods, lifting his arms to help him. Simon brushes his fingertips over his spine, back to the front over his nipples. Baz shivers, moaning quietly. 

“May I?” Baz whispers, lifting his shirt a little. Simon hesitates a second. Baz is about to apologise when Simon nods.

“Yeah.” He says and Baz lifts it past his shoulder, exposing his broad chest, miles and miles of tan skin splaying in front of him. Baz bows to kiss the scar over his heart, then over his nipple, sucks it between his teeth, pulls gently, eliciting a moan from Simon. 

Baz is determined to kiss every single mole he can see, counting them in his head. If he can’t tell Simon that he loves him, he’ll show him, worshipping every inch of him. 

After all Simon is his sun.

“Baz.” Simon’s voice is thick, and when Baz looks up his eyes are glassy. 

_ I love you.  _ He thinks and it’s so loud in his head that it’s miracle Simon doesn’t hear him. Baz keeps kissing his way down Simon’s chest, until he’s at the band of his jeans. 

He’s about to ask when Simon nods rapidly.

“Yeah.” He answers before Baz can even ask the question. It makes Baz smile, knowing that he wants this as much as Baz. Baz opens the button, pulls down the zip, takes them off, presses a kiss over his thighs. He shivers. Baz does it again, smiling, sucks a mark there where no one but him will see it. 

He pulls down his pants, his cock is hard and flushed, leaking precum from the tip. It makes Baz’s mouth water. He looks back at Simon’s face, finding that his blue eyes are trailing all his movements, burning holes in soul. Simon tucks one stand of his hair behind his ear, pulls it all away from his face when Baz leans down to take the tip between his lips. 

“Fuck, Baz.” He says, throwing back his head. Baz hums around his cock, taking more of it, until it hits the back of his throat. He swallows, and Simon groans, hips bucking up a little. Baz moans again, his own cock painfully hard. 

He starts bobbing his head up and down, wrapping a hand around the base, looks up to stare at Simon and his eyes are dark, going darker when he swallows.

“Christ, Baz, you take it so good.” He says, hoarse and breathless. Baz moans, his hips thrusting a bit into Baz’s mouth. Simon’s grip on his hair tightens, holding his head steady as he slowly fucks into his mouth. 

“Yeah?” He asks, and Baz tries to nods as best as he can, moaning to make sure the message gets across. “Good.” Simon growls, quickening the movement of his hips, his cock sliding in and out of Baz’s mouth. It’s good. Baz lets his eyes fall close, head empty and thoughts quiet. There’s only Simon, the rhythmic movement of his hips, his smell, enveloping Baz, making him dizzy with want. 

Then Simon stops, pulling him up so he can kiss him. Baz lets him swipe his tongue inside his mouth, hungry and desperate. 

“Pants.” Simon says, fumbling to get them off. Baz helps him pull them down along with his underwear, and Simon takes a handful of his ass, spreading the cheeks apart. Baz moans again, sinking his teeth in Simon’s shoulder. 

“Lube.” He says. Baz reaches out blindly to his bedside table, fumbling to get the bottle from the drawer. He shoves in Simon’s hand, returning to his mission of kissing every inch of his body. Simon’s finger starts circling his hole, gently pushing past the rim of muscle. Baz’s moan is lost in their kiss. 

Baz arches under his hands, fingers splayed over his chest.

_ I love you.  _

He busies his mouth with sucking hickeys all over his chest so he doesn’t spill those three words out. 

Simon starts working the second finger in, scissoring open, his other hand gripping his hip so tight that he might be leaving bruises. Baz hopes that he does. 

Simon’s skin is covered by a thin layer of sweat, making his skin salty. Baz loves it.

_ I love you. _

Simon pushes in the third finger and Baz can’t breathe for a second. Maybe it’s because Simon is kissing him deeply, and his kisses always leave Baz breathless and dizzy. 

“Fuck, Simon. I’m ready, I’m ready.” Simon nods, lips parted and cheeks flushed. He’s so beautiful. He fucking shines. 

Baz pours some of the lube on his hand, warming it up quickly as Simon rolls a condom on. Baz slicks Simon up, then he lifts, using the wall as support as he slowly sinks on Simon’s cock. 

It’s so fucking good. 

Baz can’t breathe, Simon’s cock filling up perfectly. 

“Christ, Baz, you feel amazing.” Simon murmurs, resting his hands on Baz’s hips. Baz is panting, he looks down to watch Simon’s expression as he rolls his hips. Simon’s eyes are huge and dazzling, sparkling with something that Baz can’t quite place. 

_ I love you, _ he thinks again, lips falling open as if the words are pushing to get out. 

Simon thrusts up, and Baz almost screams when Simon’s cock brushes against that sweet spot. He moves faster, chasing the high, one hand on Simon’s chest and he can feel his heart beating under his palm. 

“Beautiful.” Simon whispers and Baz has to close his eyes so he doesn’t come immediately. He wants this moment to last forever. 

They move in synch, the air filling with low moans and the sounds of skin against skin. Simon says his name like a prayer, and Baz touches him like he’s holy. 

Simon pulls him down to crash their lips together, one hand sliding between them to wrap around Baz’s dick. It takes only few strokes before Baz is coming all over Simon’s chest and hand with a scream that sounds a lot like his name. 

Baz feels his hips stutter, growling and then he’s coming too with one last thrust. 

Opening his eyes requires all of Baz’s energy, but he’s rewarded for his efforts with Simon looking throughly fucked. 

He pulls off Simon, both of them hissing a little, and Simon removes the condom, throwing it somewhere on the floor. He gets up to go clean himself up and then comes back to the bed. 

“Baz.” He calls, voice soft. Baz smiles at him, and Simon smiles back, laying back down. Baz turns on his side like Simon, so they can stare at each other. 

Simon caresses his cheeks, fingers gentle and tender, and he kisses him, in the same way. 

Baz smiles in the kiss, lifting one hand to put it on his waist. 

Simon looks like he wants to say something, frowning a little, but he ends up deciding against it. It doesn’t matter, though, because Baz is thinking the same thing, and neither of them is ready to admit it. 

_ I love you,  _ Baz thinks. 

_ That felt like love,  _ Simon’s eyes say. 

“I’m glad you’re here.” He whispers instead. Baz smiles, taking his hand and intertwining their fingers together. 

“Me too.” 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are always appreciated, I love hearing what you guys think!


	10. Xanny

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What's up kiddos?  
> Welcome back to another chapter! Things are closing in, yeah?  
> Comments and kudos are always appreciated! 
> 
> Song: Xanny by Billie Eilish
> 
> Warnings:  
> -Implied/referenced drug abuse  
> -Past toxic relationship (Baz/other)  
> -Drinking  
> -It's a struggle, this whole thing

_ [Waking up at sundown _

_ They're late to every party _

_ Nobody's ever sorry _

_ Too inebriated now to dance _

_ Morning as they come down (come down) _

_ Their pretty heads are hurting (hurting) _

_ They're awfully bad at learning (learning) _

_ Make the same mistakes, blame circumstance] _

**BAZ**

Simon is sleeping. Baz brushes a rebel curl from his forehead, and kisses his temple. It’s almost seven p.m. They have to get ready for dinner and then to leave to go find Nicodemus Petty. 

Niall already texted him to ask if he's done shagging Simon. 

Well, there’s no reason to wake him up, he looks like he needs the sleep anyway. 

Baz extricates himself from his arms, missing his warmth as soon as he’s standing. He pulls his pants back on, along with some black jeans and a clean white button down. He texts Niall to meet him in the hallway for dinner. 

He’s looking for his shoes when Simon stirs. 

“Baz?” 

“Right here.” He says. Simon rubs his eyes, lifting up on his elbow. 

“Whatcha doin’?” 

“It’s dinner time.” Simon groans, falling back amongst the pillows. Baz smiles, unable to resists kissing him again. 

Yes, he’s weak, but Simon really is irresistible. 

“You can sleep if you want. I’ll bring you some food after.” Simon yawns right on time. Baz is so pathetically in love. 

“Yeah, okay. Thank you.”    
“Not a problem. My dad would have an heart attack if he saw you here anyway.” Baz jokes and Simon laughs. “Actually, do you want to come?” Simon laughs louder, and Baz  _ has  _ to know what his laugh feels like against his lips. 

Eventually, Baz pulls back, running one hand through the messy curls.

“Sleep.” He says. Simon nods, eyes already closed. 

“Bring lots of food.” 

“Don’t worry, I’m aware that you’re stomach is bottomless well.” Simon doesn’t reply, only keeps smiling while Baz exits the room, closing the door behind himself.

Dev and Niall are waiting for him in the hallway. 

“Oh look, the princess finally managed to leave Prince Charming.” Niall jokes, and Baz rolls his eyes. 

“Where did you leave your Golden Boy, Baz?” Dev asks, grinning.

“He’s still sleeping.”   
“How adorable.” 

“Fuck off, both of you.” Baz looks down at the clock. It’s time to go anyway. “Let’s go.”    
“Baz, have you looked in a mirror recently?” 

“No, why?” 

“Oh nothing. They never show the crazy sex hair in fairy tales, that’s all.” Baz blushes, using his phone as a mirror to fix his hair a little. 

“Oh fuck.” He says, only now spotting the hickey peeking from under the collar of his shirt. He turns to look at his friends, pointing at the mark. “Is it visible?” 

He never gets an answer, because whatever they're saying is lost in giggles and laughs. 

“Shit, Baz, you should see your face.

“You’re both fucking useless.” 

“At least we have the decency to hide them.” Baz glares at them, adjusting his shirt to cover it a bit better. It’s still somewhat visible, but Baz is lucky that Malcolm, never pays that much attention to him anyway. 

They're the last one at the table, and Malcolm glares quietly at him. Baz glares back just to spite him. 

Dinner is a quiet affair, with Baz and Malcolm being passive-aggressive with each other as usual.

Baz wonders if he should ask about the box. If he should say anything about his mom’s diaries, and about the fire. They never talk about the fire, though. It’s a taboo topic in the house, just like him being gay. 

So Baz doesn’t mention it. 

They eat quickly, and then excuse themselves. Baz stops by the kitchen to fill up a couple of plates of food to bring back to Simon. That’s when Mordelia walks in. 

“What are you doing with all that food?” 

“Eating it.”    
“You never eat that much.”    
“We’re growing boys, Mordy. We need our nutrients.” He replies, covering the plates with some tinfoil. He puts everything on a tray so it’s easier to carry. 

“I know Simon Snow is in your room.” Mordelia says, rolling her eyes. Baz freezes, glaring at her.

“Keep your voice down, Jesus.”   
“What’s he doing here? I thought you hated him.”   
“I do.” Baz lies, but Mordelia is too much like him to be fooled. She gives him the trademark raised brow, and Baz suddenly understands why Simon hates it so much. 

“I know you’re lying, Baz. Tell me truth.”   
“I already did, Mordy. Now go away.” 

“I’ll tell Father if you don’t tell me now.” 

“When did you start blackmailing people?” Mordelia shrugs, which is very childlike. Baz can’t believe he’s letting an eight years old blackmail him.

“Fine, but you can’t say a word, okay? Not to Father, not to Daphne, not even to the twins.”   
“I promise.” Mordelia says, hand on her heart. Baz sighs, kneeling down in front of her. 

“I don’t hate him. Simon is my friend, and he needs help right now.”   
“Why?”    
“I don’t know, it’s what I’m trying to figure out.”   
“But why is he here?”    
“Because he’s also helping me to solve a mystery.”    
“A mystery?” She sounds awed, and Baz smiles at her. 

“We’re trying to figure out what happened to my mom.” Baz says, his voice much softer than what he’d like to admit. Mordelia’s eyes are big. “But you need to keep this a secret, okay? No one can know, especially Father.” 

“Okay, I’ll keep your secret. It’ll cost you, though.” Baz rolls his eyes. 

“Spill.” 

“I want you to know him.”   
“Why?”    
“He’s your boyfriend, isn’t he? I need to approve of your boyfriends. It says so on the telly, it’s what sisters do.” Baz blinks. He was expecting a pair of shoes, a doll maybe. 

“He’s not my boyfriend, Mordy.” He says, and she frowns, as she can’t quite put together the pieces. After all, she is eight. 

“But you love him.” It’s not a question, and Baz’s stomach drops to the floor. He nods, because he doesn’t trust himself to speak without getting choked up, and he’d like to preserve what dignity he has left. “I don’t understand.” Mordelia ends up saying, pouting.

She’s just like Baz, both of them hating not knowing things. 

“He doesn’t like me like that.” Baz says, which is the understatement of the century. 

“Well, I still want to meet him.” 

“Fine, come with me.” 

**SIMON**

Simon is woken up by the door closing. He has always been a light sleeper, foster care will do that to you. 

“Snow?” Simon looks up, rubbing his eyes, trying to get rid of the remnants of sleep. 

“Hi.” He says, voice groggy. Someone turns on the light in the room, and Simon has to close his eyes again for a second. He hears Niall and Dev snickering and he glares at them. He rolls out of bed, putting on his jeans and hoodie quickly, still half-asleep. 

He shuffles out of the room, finding the others sitting around the table in the kitchenette. There’s also a child. 

Simon looks up at Baz, who is warming up some food in the microwave, for answers. Baz sighs, crossing his arms over his chest. He’s also blushing really hard, eyes trailing all over Simon’s body. 

“Do you not own any clothes, Snow?” Dev asks, laughing quietly. Baz is glaring at them.

“What?” He looks down and realizes he’s put on one of Baz’s hoodies. Whoops. 

Simon looks up at Baz. 

“Should I change?” Baz blushes harder, which is absolutely adorable. Simon grins at him, and Baz turns back to the microwave.

“Whatever, Snow. I don’t care.”    
“Sure you don’t.” Niall says. Dev clears his voice, and Simon finally sits down, beside the little girl. She must be Mordelia, the oldest of Baz’s sisters. 

“Hello, Simon Snow.” Simon smiles at her, taking the hand she offered. 

“You must be Mordelia.” She looks a lot like Baz. 

“I am.” 

“Mordelia blackmailed me. Entertain her, Snow, or she’ll spill everything to Malcolm.” Baz says, putting down a plate of food in front of him. Simon is  _ starving.  _

“How old are you, Mordelia?” Simon asks. 

“Eight.” 

“Baz, I can’t believe you’re letting an eight years old blackmail you.”   
“Well, she learned from the master.” 

“Right.” Simon laughs. He smiles at Mordelia. “Teach me all of your secrets.” Mordelia’s lips curl into a sneer. She really is Baz’s copy. 

“It’s easier than what it looks. He’s an easy target.” At her comments the entire table starts laughing, except for Baz. 

“Excuse me, I’m not an easy anything.” He grumbles, arms crossed over his chest. 

“Sure you aren’t, Baz.” Simon smiles at him, and Baz is blushing again.  _ Delicious.  _

“Fu- Leave me alone, Snow. At least I don’t eat like an animal.” Simon looks down sheepishly, shrugging.

“I’m hungry.” He simply says, and Baz rolls his eyes, but doesn’t say anything else.

“Simon tell me a story.” Mordelia says, propping her chin over her hand. 

“What type of story?”    
“Anything.” Simon thinks it over. He starts on the second plate of food while he starts talking. 

“One time me and my friend Shepard got into a prank war.” He hears Niall snort. “It was ruthless. Lots of casualties.” 

“What did you do?” Mordelia ask, smiling. 

“I started it. He went grocery shopping, so I followed him and put the car inside an infinite loop of shopping carts.” Mordelia laughs, covering her mouth with her hands. 

“And what did he do?” 

“He threw me a deodorant grenade.” 

“A  _ what?”  _

“You get spray deodorant, put a zip tie around it so it keeps spraying. Then you lock someone in the room with it and enjoy their screaming.”    
“Didn’t think Shepard had it in him.” Dev comments, chuckling quietly. 

“Anyway, I retaliated with a classic. I attached an air horn under his chair. He was so scared he fell off the chair.” Mordelia laughs louder now, and Simon turns to look at Baz who is smiling softly. 

“He offered me some Oreos, but he had exchange the filling with toothpaste. I lived in fear of oreos for months after that.” 

“How long did this go on?” Niall asks, grinning. 

“Couple of months, probably. By the end of it Penny and Agatha were so sick of us that banned us from being with each other until they were sure the war was over.

“You’re all nightmares.” Baz says, but he’s smiling. 

“I like him, Baz. You can keep him.” Simon can’t help looking at Baz.

“What am I? A dog?”    
“You do resemble a Labrador.” Baz says, leaning over the table. “Anyway, Mordy, go away. We need to get ready.” 

Mordelia hops off the chair. 

“Pleasure doing business with you, Baz. And I want those red shoes we saw the last time at Harrods.”   
“Of course you do. Get lost.” 

“Bye Simon. By other people that live here. “

“Bye Mordelia.” Simon says, waving. Dev and Niall both kiss her head as she walks out. “Baz, your sister is fantastic.” 

“She’s a demonic child.” Baz replies, but he’s still smiling, which is incredibly soft. 

“Anyway.” Baz stands up, clearing his voice. “Let’s get ready.”    
“I’ll text Penny.” Simon says getting out his phone. He shoots her a text and then follows Baz back in the room. Baz throws him a black shirt and jeans. 

“Here, put this on.” He says. 

“Why?”   
“Because you’ll stand out like a sore thumb otherwise, and we’re trying to be inconspicuous.” 

Simon changes quickly in the bathroom. The jeans are ridiculously tight, and he has to hold his breath to get in, but he manages. Baz looks him over appreciatively when he comes out. It sets Simon’s skin on fire. 

He wishes they had time to kiss for a bit, wishes he could just kiss Baz whenever he felt like, but they don't have time, and they're not like that. 

They’re piling inside Baz’s porsche ten minutes later, and they stop at Penny’s house to pick her up. She forces Dev and Niall to squeeze closer as she climbs in. 

**

Baz is tense. His gripping the wheel tightly, and his jaw is set. The car is quiet, except for some music playing in the background. It’s Queen, which feels in strong contrast with the sober mood of the car. 

Baz drives them to a shady bar. It’s not that it looks bad, on the contrary, it’s a beautiful place, modern and sleek, dark and private, but somehow it rubs Simon wrong. Baz looks comfortable though, it’s clear that he knows this place. It’s called Roxy, and Baz knows the valet outside, knows the security guy at the entrance, and knows the bartender inside. 

“Basil? Is that really you or am I hallucinating?” Baz smiles at the woman, a pretty blonde named Krissy, or so it says on her shirt. 

“Hey, Krissy, it’s good to see you.” She leans over the bar, smiling.

“It’s been a while since I’ve seen you around.”   
“It looks exactly like the last time I was here.” Baz says, eyes roaming the room. Simon looks at Dev and Niall, but they’re both staring hard at Baz, so he looks at Penny, and she shrugs, confused like she is. 

“What can I get you guys?” Krissy asks, like she’s not talking about drinks at all. “The usual, Basil?” 

“Actually, I wanted some info.” Baz says, lowering his voice. The bar is full of people, and Simon doesn’t understand why they’re being so secretive. It’s not like anybody can hear them over the loud ass music playing. “We’re looking for Nico. Is he still around?” 

Krissy shakes her head.

“Haven’t heard from him in at least a year.” She says, and Baz nods, frowning. It’s bad news. 

“Well, thanks anyway.”   
“Lamb is around, you know?” She says, and Simon is even more confused no. 

“Who the fuck is Lamb?” He whispers to Penny and she shakes her head. At least he’s not the only completely lost. 

“Is he here?”   
“Will be later.” Krissy pulls back, hands flat on the bar. “Get a drink, stay for a bit. For old time’s sake.”   
“Krissy-

“I know you’re clean, Basil. Just a couple of drinks, until Lamb gets here.” Baz turns to look at Dev and Niall. They both shake their head, but when Baz turns he nods. Niall sighs, and Dev is glaring hard at him. “Get a table, someone will come to get your order.” Krissy says, and Baz nods again, striding confidently to the back of the bar. 

Here the music is a bit quieter, and it’s also definitely darker. 

They all sit down at a round table, Simon placing himself between Baz and Penny.

“What the fuck, Baz?” Dev hisses, glaring hard. Baz sighs, leaning against the back of the chair. 

“I have to talk to Lamb.”   
“Who the fuck is Lamb?” Simon asks, tired of being left out.    
“This is dangerous, Baz, and you know it.” Niall says, his voice soft. 

“I’m fine, Niall, okay? We’ll talk to Lamb and then we leave.” 

“Immediately.” Dev punctuates. Baz nods.

“Immediately.” Simon is about to scream. 

“What the fuck is going on?” He grits out, looking at Baz. The waiter picks that second to come over, and they order quickly. Simon turns to stare at Baz again. Baz isn’t looking at him, staring at the table instead.

“I never heard of this place.” Penny says beside him. Baz’s shoulders are tense, and both Dev and Niall are alert, on guard. It’s all super weird. 

“Lamb is a guy I know. If we want to find Nicodemus Petty he’s our best chance.” 

“Why?” 

“He-- he keeps tabs on people around here.”   
“What the fuck does that even mean?”   
“Look, Snow, I haven’t got the patience to explain it all to you. How about you shut the fuck up and do what I tell you do?” Baz’s voice is full of venom, and it feels like they’re back to hating each other. 

Simon does want to punch him. 

“Christ, Baz.” Niall scoffs. “That was unnecessary.” Baz rolls his eyes, looking around the room again.

“I need some air.” He says, standing up. A cigarette has materialized between his fingers. Dev scoffs. 

“Sit your ass down, Baz. You’re not going anywhere by yourself.”    
“I’m not a fucking baby, Dev.”    
“No, but you are just a man. Sit the fuck down.” Dev growls, leaning over the table. Baz rolls his eyes. 

“I’m just going for a fucking smoke.”    
“You’re not.”   
“I’ll go with him.” Simon says then, standing up as well. “Good enough?” Dev’s eyes bounce between the two of them, and Simon can feel the nervous energy coming off from Baz in waves. 

“Don’t let him out of your sight. He’s a sneaky bastard.” Dev says, leaning back. Simon nods and guides Baz back out of the bar, putting one had on his back. 

Once they’re outside, Simon can breathe a little more easily, and Baz lights himself a cigarette. Simon does the same. 

He doesn’t try to strike up a conversation, he’s kinda mad about Baz’s outburst, he just glares at him, but Baz isn’t even paying attention to him. His eyes are bouncing from one patron to another, he’s got that look in his face of when he’s planning, calculating. 

It takes Simon a minute, but eventually he notices all the glances thrown their way. It’s not uncommon for people to recognize them, but this is different. Some people act as if they know Baz personally, and Simon glares at all of them. 

“Baz, what’s going on here?” He asks, because he can’t take it anymore. Baz sighs, running one hand through his hair. He’s wearing a leather jacket and he looks fucking fantastic in it. He’d tell him that if he weren’t so mad. 

“Baz.” 

“I’ll tell you later, yeah? I can’t- I can’t do this right now.” 

“Fine.” Simon nods. Baz is still looking at him, and Simon scowls at him. 

“I’m sorry. About before. Niall is right, it was unnecessary.” Simon takes a deep breathe. 

“It’s okay.” Baz swallows hard, and Simon follows the bod of his Adam’s apple.

“This place- it puts me on edge.”    
“I can tell.” 

“Let’s go back in.” Baz says, looking like he’s preparing to go to war. Maybe they are, and Simon doesn’t know. Davy always says he’s stupid. 

The other are still sitting silently at the table. Simon pats Penny’s shoulder, sitting down and she looks up at him with a mute question in her eyes. 

Simon shrugs, because he doesn’t know what the fuck is going on either. 

They sit in silence for almost half an hour. Dev and Niall try to make conversation with Penny at one point, but Baz’s dark mood feels heavy. They're all tense and Simon doesn’t even know why he’s so nervous. 

Penny is about to start a scene where Dev takes Baz’s arm.

“Baz.” He says, and they all follow his gaze to a man. He’s very good looking, in his late twenties. Baz straightens his back, standing up. The man, Lamb, Simon assumes, smiles, and it’s clearly directed at Baz. 

Baz waits for Lamb to come over, back rigid and eyes hard. Dev and Niall are right behind him, and Simon stands to, because it feels like he should.

“Basil, so good to see you, darlin’.” Lamb leans in to kiss Baz’s cheek and Simon’s blood boils in his veins. He doesn’t realizes he’s clenched his fists until Penny takes his hand. 

“When Krissy told me you were here I couldn’t believe her.”   
“I’m not here to stay, Lamb.” Baz says, voice steady and calm. Baz exudes coolness, collected and in control. 

“But why not, darlin’? One drink, to old time?” Baz’s cool exterior falters for a millisecond, but Simon knows Lamb didn’t miss it. His smile turns into something sharper. 

“Baz.” Simon says. Baz meets his eyes, and he relaxes minutely. 

“I’m here for business, Lamb.” Lamb sighs, waves his hand. He pulls up a chair and slides between Simon and Baz, which Simon doesn’t like one bit. 

They all sit back down, and Simon glares at the back of Lamb’s head. 

“I know, Krissy told me. Why would I help you, though? We didn’t leave each other exactly on good terms.” Baz sneers, icy and chilly. 

“Right, you stole two hundred pounds from me, if I’m not mistaken.”    
“Someone had to pay for the damage.” Lamb’s smirk is as cold as Baz’s. 

_ What the fuck. _

“It was not my damage.”    
“It was your boyfriend.”    
“He wasn't my boyfriend.” 

“Right, you were his  _ secret lover.  _ And what a dirty secret you were, darlin’.” Baz’s eyes fly over to Simon, and Lamb follows his gaze, turning. His sneers grows bigger and meaner. 

“And who is this?” He asks, eyes roaming over Simon’s body. It makes Simon want to cover up, the memory of Humdrum’s hands on him still way too fresh.

“He’s nobody.” Baz says, and wow, it hurts. 

Simon always knew he didn’t mean anything to Baz, but hearing him say it out loud so clearly hurts more than it should. 

Lamb turns back to Baz. 

“How about we put this all behind, Basil? Fresh start?”   
“Only if you tell me where he is.” Lamb nods, leaning closer to Baz. Simon really doesn’t like this guy.. 

“He opened a bar up in Liverpool. The Den. I don’t know anything else.” 

“It’s more than enough. Thank you, Lamb.” Baz stands up and Lamb with him.

“Anything for an old friend.” They shake hands, then Lamb asks them to stay for another drink. 

“No, we have to go.” Dev says rapidly, intruding in the conversation. Baz nods, lips pressed together. 

“I remember you, the cousin, yes?” Lamb says, looking at Dev. Dev nods, holding his gaze. 

“See you around.” Dev says, taking Baz’s arm and dragging him along. 

Lamb lets them go without another word. 

Once they’re outside Simon breathes in deeply, fingers itching for another cigarette. He looks up to see that the boys are already smoking. Penny grimaces at him, but Simon ignores her. 

“That was a fucking nightmare.” Niall says, eyes on Baz. “You okay, Baz?” 

“Fucking peachy.” He grits out, taking a long drag. “Let’s go. This place makes me itchy.” 

**

Baz drives them back to his house. They sneak in quietly, and sit on the couch. 

“Can’t believe we have to go all the way to Liverpool.” Penny says with a sigh. 

“Road trip?” Dev smiles, putting one arm around Niall’s shoulders.

“Four hours of car with you bys will drive me insane.” Penny says, but she’s smiling. Niall pouts. 

“I know you like us, Bunce.”   
“Barely.” 

“So, when do we leave?” Simon asks, and everybody turns to look at Baz. He hasn’t said a word yet, eyes dark. He doesn’t answer, so Penny does.

“Monday? We can book a hotel tomorrow and figure out everything else.”

“Fine by me.” Dev says. 

“I have to ask Davy.” Simon says, winching. Penny nods. 

“Tomorrow.” She says and Simon nods. “Baz?”    
“It’s fine.” He says, getting up for a smoke. Simon looks over at Penny and she nods toward Baz, so Simon gets up too and follows him. 

Baz is already smoking, looking a bit unreal in the moonlight. Simon closes the door to the balcony behind himself, leaning against the railing beside Baz.

“So?” He asks, and Baz scoffs. 

“You’re a nightmare.” Simon shrugs, because he’s not getting into another fight with him. Baz sighs, gripping the edge of the railing so tightly his knuckles turn white. 

Baz still doesn’t talk. He takes another drag, biting his bottom lip. Simon wants to kiss him. He doesn’t. 

_ Baz doesn’t like you like that, idiot. No one ever will.  _ It sounds a lot like Davy’s voice. 

“I don’t know where to start.” Baz whispers, looking up at Simon. 

“How do you know that guy, Lamb? And Nicky?” Baz nods, takes a deep breathe, and starts talking. 

**BAZ**

“Lamb used to sell me coke. And to Nicky.” Baz can tell that it’s not what Simon was expecting at all. His eyes are wide and his lips fall open (mouth-breather). “I used to be an addict, back when we were fifteen. I was for almost two years, until I got clean at sixteen, almost seventeen really.” 

“What the fuck, Baz.” Simon says. Baz sort of wants to laugh, because the situation is ridiculous. 

“When I was fifteen- lots of things were going on. I had just figured out that I was gay, Malcolm hated me for it, and I was- scared. So scared, of him, of what people would think, that Dev and Niall would leave me and I’d be alone.” Baz has to stop to take a breathe. He feels Simon’s eyes on his face, but he doesn’t look at him. He lights another cigarette. 

“I was at a party and I met this guy, his name was Andrew. He was nice to me, told me he loved me and we would be together forever. I was so in love. And even better, Malcolm  _ despised  _ him, which I always consider a bonus.” 

Another pause. Baz clears his voice. He’s extremely aware that once he finishes telling this story, Simon will never want to see him again. 

He has to tell him, though. Simon deserves better. 

“So we started hanging out, but I was- he already had a girlfriend and I was his secret no one could know about. I didn’t care, I loved him so much that I’d do anything for him. And I did. Andrew liked to party. The first time he took me at Roxy I was so awed. Then he got these pills, some oxy, and we had so much fun that night.” 

Baz licks his lips, Simon’s eyes are focused on him. 

“Valium, Vicodin, Xanax, Ecstasy, Oxy, DXM, LSD. We did it all, there’s nothing we wouldn’t try. But what  _ really  _ did it for me was coke. I was  _ thriving.  _ Andrew loved to party, and I could stay up for days without having to sleep. I was doing great in school, I could keep up with Malcolm’s constant flow of insults, I could play football all day and fight with you all the time and still have energy to dance all night at Roxy.” 

Baz keeps talking.    
He tells Simon about all the benders he went on and that he has no memory of, all the bad things he’s not sure he did and the ones he was told about. He tells Simon about the long term effects of coke, the depression and the paranoia, the anxiety and insomnia. He tells him about all the dangerous situations he got himself into because Andrew asked him to, and Baz was too high to tell him no. 

“Why did you stop?” Simon asks in the end. 

“I overdosed.” Baz says, and he can almost feel his heart stop again. “I overdosed at a party, and when I woke up I found out that Andrew had left me there. Didn’t even call 911, some random girl did.” 

“Baz-

“Daphne insisted that I went to rehab. The only thing Malcolm cared about was keeping this whole thing out of the papers. Anyway, I got clean during the summer, and I was back for the beginning of classes, like nothing even happened.” 

“I never knew about any of it, fuck Baz-

“It’s okay. Only Dev and Niall did, and only because they always had to come pick me up when I blacked out.” 

Simon is silent, and this is the moment he leaves. This is the moment he realizes what a huge fuck up Baz really is and leaves him forever. 

“I’m sorry, Baz.” Simon says, voice soft and gentle. Baz can’t breathe. “You didn’t deserve to go through all that.” 

“What?” Baz chokes out, turning to see at him. Simon blinks.    
“I just- you were a kid, and it sounds like your father was being a real asshole to you, and that guy Andrew, a fucking piece of shit.” 

“You- why aren’t you screaming at me? Why are you still here?” Baz doesn't understand, and now Simon looks confused to.

“Why would I leave?” 

“Because I’m fucked up, Simon.” He hisses. “ I’m a disappointment, a fucking disaster-

Simon kisses him, effectively shutting up. He takes Baz’s face between his big, warm hands, and Baz melts against his mouth. He hadn’t realized how much he wanted Simon to stay until he didn’t leave. 

“You’re none of that. You’re perfect, Baz.” 

Baz has to close his eyes to catch his breath and stop his stupid heart from jumping out of his chest. He doesn’t realize he’s crying until Simon wipes the tears away from his cheeks. 

“Baz, it’s okay.” Simon says, still holding his face. Baz rests his hands on Simon’s strong shoulders. 

“Sorry, I just- tonight, when we were at Roxy, I kept thinking how easy it would be to get high. Everything was right there, I only had to ask.” 

“But you didn’t, Baz. You didn’t.” 

“I know, I just- 

“Shh, Baz. It’s okay. You didn’t, and that makes you strong. You’re so good, Baz, perfect.”   
Baz breathes in slowly, hiding his face against Simon’s neck. Simon lets him, wrapping his arms around Baz. He feels safe here, in Simon’s arms. 

Simon is whispering in his hair, and Baz focuses on his voice, a stream on  _ beautiful  _ and  _ lovely  _ and  _ perfect.  _

Baz can’t believe he got so lucky to have Simon is his life. 

He doesn't cry, but he does let Simon hold him for a while. 

Eventually Simon pulls back enough to look at him, dragging his thumb over Baz’s cheek, his other hand tangled in his hair. Baz lets himself get lost in the ocean of blue of his eyes, bright and shining. 

“You okay?” Simon asks. Baz smiles a little and it doesn’t feel too forced. 

“It’s old stuff.”    
“That’s not what I asked, is it?” 

“Yes, I’m fine, Snow. No need to go all mother hen on me.” Simon doesn't let him go, only keeps staring at him with such an intensity that if he were anywhere else Baz would have looked away. “I will be. Really.” 

Simon seems satisfied with that, and he leans in to kiss Baz’s forehead. It’s so natural that neither of them realizes until Simon pulls back, at which point they both freeze.

Baz feels him stiffen, his own heartbeat spiking up. 

“Sorry.” Simon whispers in the tiny space between them. 

_ He doesn’t like me like that.  _ Baz keeps repeating it in his head like a mantra, but it doesn’t stop his heart from racing. 

“It’s okay.” He forces out, because Simon is looking at him in a really weird way, with a look in his eyes that Baz can’t place. Or, he  _ can,  _ but it doesn’t make  _ sense. _

_ He doesn’t like me like that. Right? _

Neither of them has moved a muscle yet, and Simon’s eyes drop to his lips, which doesn’t help with his arrhythmia situation. 

_ Right?? _

Baz licks his lips, and Simon is definitely staring, his fingers tightening their grip on Baz’s hair. 

_ Christ. _

“Baz.” He says, the say way he says his name when they’re in bed. “Baz, I’m going to do something really stupid unless you tell me stop right now.” Simon’s eyes fly back to his, and Baz thinks he couldn’t pull away even if he wanted to. And he doesn’t. 

Baz doesn't move, Simon juts his chin out like he does when he's getting ready for a fight, and Baz almost expects to be punched, but instead Simon kisses him. 

It’s soft. 

They’ve never kissed like this, it’s always hungry or desperate or a way to shut the other up, always charged, a means to an end. They’ve never kissed like  _ this.  _

Simon touches him like he’s worthy and precious, and kisses him like he’s oxygen. 

Baz brain short-circuits for several seconds, and shuts down for good when Simon puts one hand on his hip, so they’re pressed together. 

“Baz.” Simon whispers again, resting his forehead on Baz. 

_ I love you, Simon Snow.  _

“Baz, say something, I’m dying here.” Simon gives him a nervous smile. 

“I thought you’d never kiss me.”   
“I’ve kissed you before.” 

“Not like that.” Simon nods, because it  _ was  _ different, Baz isn’t making it up.

“Baz, will you be my boyfriend?” Simon says solemnly, but he’s smiling. Baz grins. 

“Not sure you meet my standards, Snow.”

“Baz.” Simon whines, glaring at him. 

“But I guess I could make an exception.” Simon is  _ beaming,  _ his smile is brighter than all the stars in the sky, golden and dazzling. 

Baz kisses him again, and Simon kisses back. 

The world could be on fire and Baz wouldn’t care, as long as he gets to keep kissing Simon Snow, his  _ boyfriend.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are alwways appreciated, let me know what you think!


	11. SAD!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, friendos, welcome back to another chapter!   
> Please read the warnings, my boy Simon is not doing great in this one, and be safe!  
> Comments and kudos are always appreciated!
> 
> Song: SAD! BY XXXTENTACION
> 
> Warnings:  
> -Explicit child abuse   
> -Eating disorder  
> -Starving, i guess?  
> -Anxiety, panic attack  
> -Lowkey suicidal thoughts  
> -Simon has shit self esteem  
> -Smut (Baz/Simon) (Food play)  
> -Mentions to drug abuse

_ [I won't fix, I'd rather weep _

_ I'm lost and I'm found, but _

_ It's torture being in love _

_ I love when you're around _

_ But I fucking hate when you leave] _

**SIMON**

It’s been two days since he’s set foot in the house, and so much has happened meanwhile.

Davy sold him out to Mr. Humdrum, and Simon got really close to being raped.

It turns out Davy might also have been involved in the accident that killed Baz’s mom, Natasha Pitch, and they’re now on a quest to find out what really happened that night.

It  _ also  _ turns out Baz was an addict, which one would think would make him less perfect, but to Simon it only makes him  _ more  _ perfect. It sorts of even out the situation between them. Simon is fucked up, but so is Baz, and somehow they still fit, which is where the real perfection is, if you ask Simon.

_ And  _ he and Baz got together, which feels like a huge step but also an obvious one. 

They haven’t had much time to really talk about what it means, what is going to change or whatever, but Simon makes a point to remember. 

In all this time (two days, really, but it feels a lot longer), Davy hasn’t checked on him once.

Simon is used to it, Davy only calls him when he needs him, and that’s perfectly fine with Simon. 

He walks in the house, unsure of what to expect. Davy’s car is in the driveway, so he must be home. It’s also early on a Saturday, so Simon is fairly sure he isn’t at work. 

“Simon?” Davy calls from the living room, and every nerve in Simon’s body is telling him to leave. He forces himself to stay put, take a deep breath and go in the living room. 

Maybe he doesn’t even  _ need  _ to ask Davy if he can leave. It’s not like Davy gives two fucks about him and where he is most of the times.

It’s just that- if Davy were to call Simon and find out what it’s going on he’d be  _ fucked. _

Better ask, he reasons.

“Good morning, sir.” 

Davy is sitting on the sofa, reading through a bunch of papers, glass of scotch in hand. Simon doesn’t mention that it’s barely ten a.m.

Davy puts everything on the coffee table, and stands up. He doesn’t look happy.

“Where were you?” He asks, and his eyes are burning. 

“At Penelope’s.” Simon lies easily, straightening his back. 

“You should have called to let me know.” 

“I’m sorry, sir.” 

“I don’t like how much time you’re spending with them. They might put the wrong ideas in your head.” Simon swallows hard. He doesn’t like where this is going. He stays silent. “I worry about you, Simon. You’re not the brightest, you trust too easily. The Bunces can’t be trusted.”    
The Bunces don’t agree of Davy’s policies, it’s common knowledge. It’s not the first time Davy has said something along these lines, and it never ended well for Simon. 

“Just like the Grimms, and  _ don’t  _ lie to me, Simon. I know you’ve been seeing the Pitch boy after I  _ specifically  _ told you he can’t be trusted. Lord knows what kind of information you’re giving out.” 

Davy looks properly mad now. 

_ Focus, Simon. _

“It’s not like that, sir. He isn’t like he’s father.” Simon says quietly. 

He wishes Baz was with him.

Wait, no, though, because then Davy would be after  _ him,  _ and Simon really can't drag Baz into this mess. He’s far better off at his house.

“But he’s still his son, just like you’re mine. I don’t want you to see him again.” Simon’s head snaps up. 

“What?”    
“You heard me, Simon. I’m doing it for your own good.”    
This was a terrible idea. He should have just stayed at Baz’s and left without saying a word. He should really know better by now, why is he so  _ fucking  _ stupid? 

“I’m worried for you Simon, you’re falling in with the wrong crowd.” Simon wants to scream. 

“Let’s go.” Simon is confused for a total of half a second between Davy takes him by his hair and drags him up the stairs. He pushes Simon in his room, rummaging through his things and taking his phone and computer with him. Simon stares at the closed door with wet eyes. 

He starts panicking immediately.

It’s not the first time this has happened, of course. Simon vividly remembers all the times after he’d just moved in where Davy would lock him in his room for days at time. Simon has learned to keep food in his room because of that. 

But, because he really is a stupid fucking idiot, he didn’t refill his stash after he had his panic-induced meal the other day. He’s been too busy and it completely slipped his mind.

_ Focus, Simon.  _

Christ, how could he be such an idiot? 

He forces himself to take a deep breath. There  _ was  _ a granola bar in his bedside table, but Davy took that too, but not the one in his bathroom, so that’s that.

_ Focus, Simon. _

It’s okay. Davy wouldn’t let him  _ die,  _ of course. 

_ Are you sure?  _

He forces the thought out of his mind, because if he starts thinking like that he’ll go crazy.

One granola bar. It’s fine, Simon has gone days without eating anything before.

Sure, it hasn’t happened in a while, but he’ll get through this. He just needs to stay calm. 

**

Simon is hungry. He gets up to drink some water from the sink in his bathroom but it doesn’t really help. It’s Sunday evening, which means that he hasn’t eaten in two days. He had breakfast at Baz’s yesterday, but that feels so long ago. 

Simon curls on himself on his bed, closing his eyes. 

He hates being hungry, hates being alone like this, hates being locked inside for so long. 

The granola bar is staring at him, and Simon decides to eat it. He feels like he’s going to die if he doesn’t eat something.

It finishes far too quickly, and Simon is still very much hungry, but it’s better than nothing.

He hopes Davy will come get him soon. Simon doesn’t do too good on his own.

He hopes Baz and Penny and all his friends are okay. 

What if Baz thinks he’s ghosting him? Simon would lose his mind if he lost Baz because of  _ Davy. _

He closes his eyes.

Baz is probably okay, he thinks. Penny probably told him not to worry, she must have figured out what is going on. 

He’s really,  _ really,  _ hungry.

_ If you hadn’t been so stupid. _

It’s Simon fault, really. He’s messed up real bad. He should have checked in with Davy more often, shouldn’t have come home at all, should have just stayed at Baz and keep his damn mouth shut, but  _ no,  _ he  _ had  _ to go and ask-

Simon pulls at his hair. 

He wants to cry but he’s too tired.

_ Stupid.  _

The room is a bit blurry around him.

Davy is right about him, as he always is. Simon really is a huge disappointment, a worthless waste of space, and Simon really doesn’t understand (because he’s stupid) why Baz would ever want to date him.

He deserves so much more than the fucked up mess that Simon is. And so does Penny, to be honest. They all do. 

Simon is so tired. 

**

Davy comes get him the next day. Simon has no idea what time it is, he’s been drifting in and out of sleep the whole time, nightmares and thoughts filling his head. 

It’s how Davy finds him when he unlocks the door, curled on his bed under with a blanked pulled up over his head. 

“Simon.” Davy says, and Simon has never been happier to hear his voice. He sits up, dizzy at the sudden movement. “I’m sorry, son, I hope you had time to figure things out.” Davy says.

He drops his electronics on his desk and leaves the room, door still open.

Simon gets up slowly, knees week. He has to get out now before Davy changes his mind. 

He grabs his phone and the charger, and runs out of the house. 

He calls Penny. 

“ _ Simon! Thank fuck, I was so fucking worried- _

“Penny.” He says, relief washing over him. 

“ _ I’ll come get you right now, where are you?”  _

“Outside my house.” 

“ _ Be there in five, stay put.”  _ And he does. He sits down on the ground because he feels too weak to stand up, and takes his head between his hands. The sun is warm on his skin, and Simon bathes in it, feeling already better. 

Penny appears in her mom’s car and Simon could cry of joy. 

“Get in.” She says, and Simon does. She drops several sandwiches on his lap and a bottle of water and Simon definitely sobs at that.

He starts eating. 

“Jesus, Simon, what happened? You look like hell.” Simon doesn’t reply until he’s finished four sandwiches and he sorts of feels human again. It takes Simon a minute to realize they’re not going to Penny’s house.

“Where are we going?” Simon asks, mouth full.   
“Baz’s. He’s going mad with worry.” She says and Simon feels a stab of guilt at that.

“I’m sorry, he took my phone and my computer and I couldn’t-

“What happened?”    
“I don’t know.” Simon swallows hard. “He got mad because I, uh, didn’t call him, and- and I- he got m-mad, t-then he started- I don’t- he was- saying things- and, and, he- he locked me in and I couldn’t-

_ Focus, Simon. _

Simon shuts his mouth, realizing he’s not making any sense. 

“He locked me in my room.” He says quietly, and Penny’s eyes are so hard that he flinches. 

“Jesus Christ, Simon-

“I’m sorry.”   
“I’m not mad at you, Si, he’s- Simon you can’t keep doing this. You need to tell someone, or let  _ me  _ tell someone.” 

“I can’t, Penny, I can’t.”   
“Why not?” She sounds exasperated. Simon pulls at his hair, trying to remember how breathing works.

_ Focus, Simon. _

“He needs me.” Simon says and it sounds pathetic and weak and Simon wants to punch something. “I owe him.” 

Penny has stopped the car in front of Pitch Manor, but she doesn’t get out so neither does Simon. 

“He’s abusing you, Simon.” It might be the first time she has said it out loud so clearly. Simon can’t breathe.

_ Focus, Simon. _

“He’s not always like that.” Simon says, and the worst part it’s that it’s true.

Davy buys him his favorite ice cream flavor, and they watch movies together. Every year Davy takes him to his favorite restaurant to celebrate the day he was adopted. They watch football games together on the telly, and even went to some matches. 

Davy knew all his professors, and helped him with English papers all the time. 

He told Simon he was loved when he had no one, and gave him a home and food and enrolled him to Watford where he met all his friends.

Simon is fully aware that he’d probably be in jail if Davy hadn’t adopted him, or even dead. He has always been too messed up, too rough even for the care homes. He was bound to fuck up one time too many, or some foster parent would have hit too hard, or he’d get lost and no one would have come for him, or-

_ Focus, Simon. _

“I can't, Penny.” Penny sighs. She doesn’t understand, Simon knows, she has never been abandoned by the people who were supposed to take care of you.

Agatha understood that, to an extent. Her parents are as absent as some of his foster parents were. But she always had Maria to take care of her. She has never been  _ truly  _ alone. 

Simon has, and doesn’t want to be ever again.

He gets out of the car. 

Penny follows him, and stands in front of him.

“You can’t keep going on like this.” She says. Simon shakes his head.

“Don’t wanna talk about it anymore.”    
“I know, Simon, but you  _ have  _ to. What he’s doing it’s terrifying. What would have happened if he hadn’t come to get you when he did? You’ve been gone for  _ three  _ days, Simon.” Her voices breaks. Simon doesn’t look at her.

“I’m fine.”    
“He didn’t give you-

“Simon?” Simon looks up, finding Baz at the door. He’s a sight for sore eyes. He’s missed him so much. 

“Hey, Baz.” Simon whispers, and there’s no way Baz heard him from all the way to the door. They’re still outside the gates. Penny scoffs by his side, crossing her arms in front of her chest. 

“We’re not done, Simon.” The gates open and Baz is walking to him.   
“Yes, we are.” Simon hisses. Penny is glaring at him. “I’m done talking about this.”    
“Well I’m not!”   
“Penny, I can’t do this anymore!” He screams. Both Penny and Baz freeze completely. Simon can’t breathe. He covers his mouth with his hands. 

He’s turning into Davy, Jesus. 

He has to get out of there. 

He doesn’t look at them, just starts running. 

**

Simon stabs the pancakes harder than strictly necessary. 

His phone has been ringing like crazy for the past hour, but he ignores it. 

He’s being childish and stupid, he knows, but he can’t deal with them at the moment. His mind is swirling, and he can’t distinguish his own words from Davy’s, and he’s still  _ hungry.  _

He orders another plate of pancakes, scones and tea. He’s in a cafè he used to go when he was younger. He hasn’t come here for years, but it hasn’t changed much. 

The waitress is looking at him weirdly, and Simon supposed he does look crazy. He’s been eating since arrived, looking like an absolute madman. 

Then someone sits down in front of him. Simon looks up, finding Agatha smiling at him. 

“Aggie?” 

“Chew with your mouth close, Simon, gross.” Simon swallows hard, blinking. 

“Did Penny send you?” 

“No, I came here by myself.”   
“Why?” 

“I’m your friend, yes?” 

“Yes but-

“Simon, I don’t want to know what’s going on between you and Penny or you and Baz.”   
“How-

“I have eyes, everybody could see you’re smitten for each other.” Agatha rolls her eyes, waves at the waitress and orders a cup of black coffee.

“So why are you here?”    
“Actually, I need to tell you something.” 

“What’s up?”    
“I’m moving to California.” She says, smiling.

“What?” 

“At the end of summer. I’ll be going to college there.”   
“You’re- wow, Aggie.” She stares at him for a second. “I’m happy for you.” Simon says, and Agatha beams at him.

“Thanks, I- I feel like a need a change. Start over, you know?” Simon nods, because he does. 

“It’s going to be fantastic, I’m sure.”   
“I think so too. I’ve already found this apartment to share with a girl close to uni, and it seems amazing, I really can’t wait to move.”   
“When are you leaving?”   
“Next month. I’ve already started packing up.” Simon listens to her ramble on for over an hour, then she moves to slide in the booth next to his and keeps talking and Simon listens. 

Talking to Agatha is easy. Simon lets her do all the talking, and nods every once in a while. 

“Have you thought were you’ll be living next year?” Agatha asks at some point, and Simon nods.

“On campus, in the dorms. Penny and Shep will be around too, and Baz’s uni isn’t far.” 

“You’ve got it all figured it out.” 

“Penny bugged me until everything was ready.” Simon can’t help but smile, and then winch at the whatever went down a couple of hours ago. 

“Simon?”   
“Mh?”   
“Look, it’s not my business, and I really have no idea what the fuck is going on, but you should talk to Penny.” Simon groans, running one hand through his hair. 

“I know, it’s just- I don’t know.” Agatha is silent for a while.

“Simon she’s your best friend.” Agatha says, putting one hand on his shoulder. “I’m sure she’s just trying to help you.”   
“I know she is. It’s just- it’s complicated and she doesn’t  _ get it.”  _

_ “ _ Talk to her, yeah?” 

“Yeah, yeah okay, I will. You’re right.”   
“Of course.” Agatha looks up to the door, smiling. “Have fun.” She says, kissing her cheek. Simon looks up and watches her leave, at the same time that Penny comes in. Agatha winks at him from the door, and Simon glares.

“Traitor.” He mouths. Penny sits down beside him, and Simon can’t quite look at her. 

“I’m sorry.” They say at the same time and then they stare at each other for a second, before breaking into giggles. 

“Jesus, Simon-   
“Penny, I-

Penny closes her mouth. 

“Me first.” Simon says, and Penny nods. “I’m sorry I yelled at you, I know you’re trying to help. And I’m sorry I’m such a disaster and that you always get dragged into my messes.”

“Thank you for you apology, Simon, but I don’t need it. I shouldn’t have pushed you so much, it’s your life, and this has to be your decision. I just want you to be okay.” 

Simon pulls her into a hug and she hugs him back.

“I was so worried for you. When Baz told me you didn’t come back I thought something terrible had happened.”

“Sorry I worried you. He took my phone.”   
“I know, it’s okay. I’m glad you’re here now.”   
“You’re not getting rid of me that easily, Penny.”

“I know, and I’m not too mad about it.” Simon lets her go and Penny takes his hand.

“Let’s go.” She says. “You still need to talk to Baz, he’s going crazy.”   
“Why didn’t you go?”    
“To Liverpool? And leave you here while you were missing? Not a chance. Baz wouldn't have it.”    
“Really?”    
“Simon you’re very intelligent, but sometimes you’re such an idiot. He’s your boyfriend. Baz told me.”    
“I know but-

“No buts, Simon. Let’s go.” 

**

Dev and Niall help him sneak in. They said Baz was in his room, chain smoking and on the verge of a breakdown. Simon is low-key scared of going in. He opens the door quietly, and surely Baz is right there, sitting at the kitchen window with an ashtray full of cigarette butts by his side. 

“Simon.” He breathes and Simon has him in his arms in half a second. 

“I missed you.” Simon whispers in his hair, holding him close. He smells of bergamot and cedar like he always does and it’s so good. Then Baz punches him in chest.    
“Simon Snow, I’m going to kill you.” Baz growls, pushing him against the wall and crashing their lips together. Simon moans in the kiss, pulling his impossibly close. 

“You’re a fucking idiot, Snow.” Baz hisses, biting his neck. “I fucking hate you.” Baz’s hands make their way under Simon’s shirt and he shivers when his cold fingers touch him. Simon hold on tight to his hips, lets his hand wander lower over his ass, presses them together.

“I missed you so much.” Simon says again, against his lips. “Baz.” 

“Shut up, Snow.” He says, voice cutting, as he sucks hickeys on his neck. 

“Baz, love-

“ _ Snow.”  _

“Baz, look at me.” Baz does, pulling back and his eyes are red and puffy. Simon freezes. “Shit, Baz-

“Where were you?” Simon has never seen him like this. His voice cracks, and the mask of coolness is gone. He’s staring at Simon with such a raw look in his eyes, and Simon knows he can’t lie. 

“At home.” He exhales. Baz frowns. 

“And you couldn’t answer your goddamn phone?” 

“Davy- he took it. Along with my computer.” 

“Simon, you need to tell me what the fuck is going on. Penny was acting as if you were dead.” 

“You might want to sit down.” 

**

Simon talks. 

He tells Baz everything, doesn’t leave out a single detail and doesn’t look him in the eyes for the whole time. 

He tells Baz about moving in with Davy, how different it was from all the houses he’d lived in before then, about having food whenever he wanted, and sleeping in a room just for him. 

Until Davy took away the food, and locked him in his room for days. 

He tells Baz about the pride in Davy’s voice everytime Simon managed to get something right, and all the punishments that came with failing. 

He tells Baz about the times he ended up at the hospital, because Davy used him as a punching bag, and all the times he refused to go because Davy would get mad if he did. 

He tells Baz about the constant stream of insults and cruel words that Simon has taken to heart, because he’s heard them so many times that they must be true. 

He tells Baz about Davy taking him out to dinner, and buying him gifts, hugging and kissing his head and telling him that he’s a good son, and always apologising for whatever he did, but never taking the blame, because it’s always Simon’s fault.

He tells Baz about the scars he couldn’t talk about the first time he asked. That time Davy pushed him down the stairs. The belt. That one time he got a knife from the kitchen and used it on Simon. Broken arms, concussions, brokens ribs, 

He tells Baz about all the horrible things Davy has done and has made Simon do. Stealing documents, following people, listening in private conversation. 

Traded him to Harth for political support and to Humdrum to get blackmail material. 

“Simon.” Simon can’t breathe. The world goes black, and he feels dizzy, and he can’t  _ breathe _ , and there are hands on him, touching, pulling, grabbing, Simon doesn’t want to be touched, the hands are going to hurt him, they always do and Simon is weak and pathetic and wants them to stop-

“ _ Simon.”  _

Simon doesn’t remember getting in the bathroom, but suddenly he is, and he’s throwing up everything he ate that afternoon. He’s distantly aware of Baz calling his name, like he’s underwater. 

He’s shaking, holding on the sink for support. 

“Don’t touch me.” He pants, and Baz removes his hand as if he got burned. 

“Simon, you need to breathe.” 

_ Focus, Simon. _

He closes his eyes. 

“Simon, love, breathe. Four in, seven hold, eight out.” 

_ Numbers,  _ Simon thinks absently. Simon was always better at numbers than letters. 

_ Focus, Simon. _

“Put a hand on my chest, Simon, breathe with me, love.” Simon does. Baz’s skin is cool under his burning hand, and he can feel his heart breathing, regular and rhythmic.

_ Four in. _

_ Seven hold. _

_ Eight out. _

_ Focus, Simon. _

It seems to get forever, but eventually he does manage to get his breathing under control. He removes his hand from Baz’s chest, and drops on the floor, leaning against the wall. 

“Simon?” 

“I’m okay.” He says, running his hands over his face and through his hair. “I’m okay.” 

His mouth tastes like shit. 

_ Focus, Simon. _

“Simon, look at me, please.” Baz never begs for anything, so Simon looks, meeting his grey eyes, steely and icy. Simon shivers.

_ It was nice until it lasted. _

“I’ll go.” He says, forcing himself to get up. His knees feels like jelly, and he almost thinks they’re going to give out under him, but they don’t. He stands up, and avoids Baz’s eyes, making his way past him and out of the bathroom.

“Simon, stop. I’m not kicking you out, idiot.” Simon stops, hand already on the handle of the door. 

“You’re- not?” 

“Of course not.” Baz sighs. He offers Simon a glass of water, and he takes it, gulping down the whole thing. Once he’s done he refills his glass and drinks that too. He really hadn’t realized how thirsty he was. Then he looks at Baz, who hasn’t moved an inch. 

“I’m sorry.” Simon says, and he’s not sure what he’s apologizing for.

Being a mess, and always dragging his friends into it? Probably. 

Throwing up in Baz’s sink for like, the third time? Yeah, definitely. 

Ghosting Baz for two days just after they got together and  _ then  _ disappearing for two more hours? Absolutely. 

“You don’t need to apologize, you did nothing wrong.” Baz says, stepping closer. His eyes slide over him, and he looks like he wants to reach out, but doesn’t. 

Right, Simon told him not too.

“You can. Touch me, I mean.” He says. Baz takes his hand immediately. 

“You lost weight.” He murmurs. Simon shivers. 

“Davy.” There’s a mute question in Baz’s eyes, and Simon sighs. “I had a granola bar?” 

Baz looks downright murderous. 

“Baz-

“I’m going to kill him.” Baz hisses between clenched teeth. “I’m going to kill that bastard.” 

“Baz, please.” Simon is so tired of fighting. All the tension and anger seem to leave Baz’s body at once. He pulls Simon into a hug, and Simon rests his head on his shoulder, breathing in his smell.

“I missed you too.” Baz says, pressing a kiss in his hair. Simon smiles. 

“Sap.” He teases and Baz pulls back to glare at him. 

“It’s your fault. You made me a  _ romantic.”  _

“You like me, shut up.” Baz smiles at him, eyes incredibly soft and leans in to kiss him on the lips.

“I do like you, unfortunately.” Simon smiles in the kiss.

“I like you too.”Simon hesitates. “I am sorry, though.”   
“Please don’t apologise about this, okay? I physically can’t take it.” Simon steals another kiss. 

“Baz, what about your mom?”

“What about her?”   
“Well, we didn’t go to Liverpool.”   
“I know.”    
“We need to go.”   
“Simon, Davy-

“Baz, I can’t let him dictate my entire life  _ and  _ yours. We need to go to Liverpool, I need to know what happened.” Baz nods, taking his hand. 

“We’ll go tomorrow, yeah?”   
“Perfect.” Simon sighs, squeezing his hand. “Do you mind if I take a shower? I’ve been locked inside for three days and was way too tired to shower.”   
“Of course, love, I’ll bring you some food. And text the others about tomorrow.” 

Simon nods, bringing Baz’s hand to his mouth to kiss his knuckles. He hears Baz gasps and it makes him smile.

“Thank you. You’re amazing.” Baz is still staring at his hand when Simon disappears in the bathroom.

**

Simon ends up taking a bath, which is something he has never done. Davy does have a bathtub in his bathroom, but Simon was never allowed to use it, and foster homes- well, they were what they were.

Bat Baz’s en suite is huge, and the bathtub could fit three people comfortably. Simon fills it with hot water and pours the soap in and he’s having way too much fun. That’s how Baz finds him, with a soap beard, splashing water everywhere. 

“Hey Baz.” Simon says, wiggling his eyebrows. Baz snorts. 

“You’re a nightmare.” Baz says, leaning against the door, but he’s smiling. 

“You’re the one that decided to date me.” Simon retorts, and ends up eating some soap, which tastes disgusting. 

“Terrible choice on my part, really.” Baz rolls up the sleeves on his sweater, and kneels beside him. It’s way to sexy and Simon really needs to get a grip before the situation becomes embarrassing. 

“What- what are you doing?” Simon stutters, Baz is smiling softly, pouring his fancy shampoo on his hand. Then he starts rubbing it in Simon’s hair, and  _ wow. _

Simon melts, every single muscle in his body going slack. If he were a cat he’d be definitely purring now. Baz massages his scalp, drags his soft fingers through his hair to wash his hair. It’s amazing. Simon could fall asleep. 

At some point, Baz washes out the soap with warm water and puts in conditioner and it start all over again. 

“I am boneless. Bones left the chat.” He says, playing with the soap. He’s floating. 

“You’re an idiot.”   
“Your idiot, though.” 

“Come on, get out. I brought you food.”    
“Fuck yeah, I’m starving.” Baz’s fingers in his hair stutter, faltering. 

“Simon-

“It’s okay, Baz. I’m fine, see?” Simon turns in the tub, to face him. Baz’s eyes are full of sadness. And anger.

_ Focus, Simon.  _

He takes Baz by the back of his neck, dripping water everywhere and pulls him in for a kiss. 

“It’s okay, Baz. I promise.” 

Baz nods, and turns around blushing when Simon stands, completely naked and splashing water everywhere. He takes Baz’s robe and wraps himself in it. It’s soft as fuck. 

He dries his hair with another towel and throws it at Baz when he still hasn’t turned back.

“Baz, you’ve literally seen me naked before.” He’s so red, and it’s incredibly cute.

“Shut up, Snow.” He says, crossing his arms over his chest. 

“Can I borrow some clothes?” He asks and Baz nods, disappearing in the room and bringing back a pair of grey joggers and a comfy looking hoodie, pale blue. It matches his eyes, Simon notices, and Baz knows it too. He’s smirking when he hands it to Simon. 

Simon smirks back. 

He drops the robe on the floor and changes right there, never taking his eyes off Baz, who is trailing his every movement. His eyes are burning on Simon’s skin. 

He puts on the joggers and stands there, with the hoodie in hand. 

“Thanks, but it’s too hot for this.” He says, smirking, throwing the hoodie at Baz. He catches without even looking (showoff) eyes roaming Simon’s chest. Simon lets him stare, until he meets his gaze again.

“Baz.” Simon says, still grinning, and Baz is on him in half a second. The kiss is hungry and passionate, needy and desperate. Simon moans in the kiss, Baz’s fingers digging in his hips. 

“You’re a menace.” Baz growls and Simon would smile if his mouth wasn’t busy. “Bed.” He says, taking Simon’s hand and dragging him out of the bathroom.

“I haven’t eaten yet.” Simon laughs, and Baz stops so suddenly that Simon crashes into his back. “Baz?” Baz turns, his expression promising very filthy things. Simon swallows, mouth dry. 

“Well, I can’t let you starve, can I?”   
“I can eat later.” Simon says. Baz’s eyes are dark. 

“Or now. Go in the bedroom.” Baz orders, dropping his hand. Simon can’t even speak. He nods and hurries in the bedroom, sitting cross legged on Baz’s bed. 

Baz appears a few minutes later, carrying a tray of things. Simon’s mouth water. There are a bunch of cups. Strawberries, melted chocolate, dark and white, whipped cream. 

Baz puts the tray on the bed beside Simon and stand up, taking a few steps back.

He strips slowly. He pulls off his sweater first, and then starts on the buttons of his shirt. It takes forever, and Simon can’t take his eyes off him, cock hardening in his jogger. He’s not even wearing pants. 

Baz lets the shirt slide off his shoulder, exposing the hard planes of his chest and back. His nipples are already hard, and Simon wants to lick then. Wants to lick his entire body, to be honest. 

Baz takes off his jeans next, and is left with his pants, the bulge very much visible. 

“Do you want to take them off or should I do it myself?” Baz asks, voice low and teasing. Simon really wants to wipe the sneer off his face. So he does. He gets up and takes Baz by the hips, crashing their mouths together,  _ ravenous.  _

Simon spins them around and pushes him on his back, climbing on top of him, between his legs. Baz is smiling and he’s so lovely, black hair fanning around his face.

“You’re so fucking hot, Baz.” Baz purrs under him, and Simon leans in to suck a red mark on his collarbone. Baz doesn’t want visible marks, so that’ll have to do. 

“I thought you were hungry, Snow.” 

“Simon.” He growls. Baz is sneering. Simon is going to wipe that sneer right off his face.

He gets an idea. 

He stands up, leaving Baz on the bed. 

He starts rummaging through his wardrobe. He knows for a fact Baz has about a thousand ties, so where the hell-

_ Finally.  _

“Snow?” Simon turns around again, holding up a light blue tie. Cobalt. He sees Baz’s eyes going black, his cock fully tended in his pants. 

Simon walks back to the bed, kneeling between Baz’s legs again. 

“Can I?” He asks and Baz nods. He scoots up and puts his wrists together, for Simon to tie. He does, ties them together and to the headboard of the bed. 

Baz looks delicious. 

Simon sits back on his heels, admiring his handiwork for a second. 

Now, for the fun part. Simon looks back to the tray, trying to decide what to start with. Probably better to start with something simple. He takes a strawberry and dips it in the dark chocolate, bringing it to his lips and then leaning in. Baz catches his drift, and open his mouth, taking the strawberry between his lips, chocolate dropping on his chin. Simon bites it off and swallows it down, watching Baz do the same with his half. 

He cleans the drop of chocolate from Baz’s chin with his finger, sucking it into his mouth. 

“Fine chocolate you chose.”   
“It’s swiss.” Baz replies, staring at his lips. This is going to be so much fun. 

Simon picks up another strawberries and dips it in the white chocolate now, and does the same thing, and then he does it again and again until they’re gone. 

“What now, Snow?” Baz asks, a bit breathless. 

“I have a few ideas.” Simon pour some chocolate on his nipples, making Baz gasp and shiver, and then he leans in to lick them clean, sucking and biting. Baz is writing under his and, shifting on the bed and pushing his chest closer to Simon’s mouth. It makes him smile.

He pours a trail of white chocolate down his stomach, stopping short on his pants. 

He pulls them off, and Baz’s cock springs free, hard and flushed and leaking precum. 

Simon licks his lips. He holds Baz’s hip down with one hand, and uses to other to put some whipped cream on the head. 

Baz makes a choked sound. Simon glances at him, to make sure they’re still okay, and Baz nods at his mute question, which is all Simon needs before he dips his head down, taking the head of his dick between his lips. He laps at the whipped cream, and Baz moans, loud. 

He pulls back with a loud pop, and Baz’s throws back his head, gasping.

“Fuck, Simon.” He whispers. Simon smiles to himself, taking more whipped cream and putting all around the base but not on his cock itself.

“Simon.” Baz whines, while Simon sucks at the sensitive skin there, smirking. 

He loves having Baz like this, under him. He kind of wants to see if Baz will beg him. Baz begging must me a sight. 

Yes, Simon is going to make him beg. 

“Something wrong, love?” Simon asks innocently, spreading more cream on the inside of his thighs. Baz rolls his eyes, so Simon bites him, leaving a pretty mark. Baz fucking whimpers and suddenly Simon isn’t so sure he’ll make it. 

“Hurry  _ up,  _ Simon.” 

“Ask nicely.” Simon says, smirking and Baz glares at him. “That’s not it, darlin’.” 

Simon ponders for a second, trying to decide what to do next. There’s still a lot of white chocolate.

_ Oh well. _

He pours most of it right on Baz’s cock, and Baz moans, tugging at the tie, and surprisingly the knot holds. Simon is very pleased with himself. 

He starts by licking at the side of his cock, raising until he can take the head between his lips. The taste is a bit weird, Simon is not going to lie, but not  _ bad.  _ It’s overly sweet, and there’s a hint of saltiness and it’s kind of good. He sucks at the head, dragging his tongue over it and taking more of it into his mouth.

Baz is making all sorts of filthy sounds, body tensing when Simon swallows, his cock hitting the back of his throat. 

“Fuck, Simon, fuck-

Baz’s hips buck in his mouth, and Simon hold them down harder, bobbing his head up and down quickly. 

“Simon.” Baz gasps. “Simon, I’m-

Simon pulls back. Baz thrust into nothing, groaning. He squeezes his eyes shut, shivering. 

“You already there, darlin’?” Baz shivers at the pet name, and Simon smiles, kissing the inside of his thigh. 

“Fuck you, Snow.” 

“Simon.” He corrects, pinching his nipple, hard. Baz winches, back arching on the bed, a moan falling from his pink lips.

“ _ Simon.”  _ He says again, half moan half gasp. Simon smiles at him. He reaches up to kiss him, letting Baz lick into his mouth. 

“Much better.” Baz tries to glare at him, but it loses a lot of venom when he’s also reaching for Simon’s mouth. 

Simon pulls back, blindly searching for the bedside table and for the lube and condom in the drawer.

Once he’s got them he looks at Baz again.

“Good?” He asks. Baz nods, eyes shining. 

“More than.” He says. Simon smiles and kisses him breathless. He slides a lobe-coated hand down Baz’s side, between his legs, and start circling at the his hole. Baz gasps in his mouth, moaning, and Simon swallows it all down, pressing the finger it. It goes without much resistance, and soon Baz is rocking back against his hand. Simon kisses his neck, his collarbone and shoulder, jaw back to his lips.

“More.” Baz says, and who is Simon to not oblige? He stretches Baz open, Baz feels tight and hot around his fingers, nipping at his ear and sucking marks on his chest. Even tied up he’s so distracting. Baz whimpers when he starts pressing the third finger in, the ring of muscle relaxing to make space. 

“Fuck, Simon. Come on.” Baz’s voice is hoarse and low, but Simon doesn’t budge.

“You’ll have to be more specific, love. And nicer.” Simon says, pumping his hand in and out of his ass. Baz arches his back, throwing back his head. 

“Simon.” He whines. Simon smiles, sucking at nipple again. biting gently at the bud. His nipples are incredibly sensitive, which is an endless well of joy for Simon. 

“Ask nicely.” He says again, and Baz squeezes his eyes shut, tugging at the tie again. The knot starts to loosen. He holds Baz’s hips down with his free hand, curling his fingers just right and suddenly Baz is fucking screaming.

_ There it is. _

“Simon, fuck,  _ please  _ fuck me, please, fuck-

Simon  _ loves  _ when he becomes incoherent like this, all inhibition gone. He pulls his hand out, leaving Baz shivering on the bed. He takes off his joggers quickly and rolls on a condom. 

“I’m going to untie you.” He says, and Baz nods. As soon as his hands are free, he’s touching Simon everywhere, fingers cool on his skin. It feels fantastic. 

“Turn around.” Simon whispers right in his ear. Baz shivers, moaning. “On all four.”    
He complies quickly, arching his back for Simon to see. 

“Jesus, Baz. You’re so beautiful.” Baz throws him a smile from behind his shoulder, and Simon kneels behind him.

“Good?” He asks again, running one hand down Baz’s back. 

“Yeah, Simon, get-

Simon thrusts in slowly, and the heat is blinding and almost send him over the edge immediately. He stays still for a second, giving both of them to adjust. Then he bottoms all the way out and slides back in. Baz’s moans are louder now, especially when Simon adjusts the angle. He starts moving faster then, holding tight on Baz’s hips and at one point he drops on his forearms, and Simon leans over to kiss his back, bite his shoulder. Baz throws back his head, and Simon  _ has  _ to run his fingers through them, pulling gently at the black strands.

“Fuck- Simon, harder.” Baz says, eyes falling close, and Simon does. He pulls harder at his hair, hips diving deep and hard and it’s so good, it’s more than, it’s perfect. 

Simon growls, heat pooling at the bottom of his stomach, his skin is on fire, and he can’t keep his eyes off the perfect curve of Baz’s back and ass, up to his face, eyes closed and lips pasted. 

He’s so beautiful. 

He whispers it against his sweaty skin, holding his hip tighter. Simon lets go of his hair to wrap his hand around Baz’s cock, stroking it in time with his thrust. 

Baz’s moan sounds a lot like Simon’s name. 

A string of courses are falling from Simon’s lips but there’s no way he can keep quiet, Baz is too much, he’s too good, he’s everything. He’s Simon’s everything.

Baz comes all over the blankets and Simon’s head, and it only takes a few more thrusts for Simon to follow, emptying inside the condom. 

He pulls out of Baz with a groan, and Baz rolls on his side, away from the stain on his bedsheets. He takes off the condom and throws it in the general direction of the bin, then he turns to kiss Baz senseless. 

“That was mind blowing.” Simon says, and Baz beams at him, tracing invisible designs on his chest. 

“You were pretty good, Snow. I didn’t know you had that in you.”   
“‘Pretty good’? Is that all I get?” Baz grins.

“Passable.” 

“Fuck off, Baz. I’m not having sex with you ever again.” Baz laughs, out loud and melodic. He climbs on top of Simon and kisses him until he’s mouth is sore.

“It was brilliant.  _ You’re  _ brilliant.” Simon beams at him, hands resting on his hips, rubbing circles in his skin. 

“Let’s clean up, and then you need to eat a  _ proper  _ meal.”

** 

“Shut up, Baz.” Simon grumbles, eyes closed. They’re under the blankets, in Baz’s bed, in the dark, because it’s past midnight. Simon has his head on Baz’s chest, and he’s absently running his fingers through his hair. 

“But I didn’t  _ say  _ anything _.”  _

“You’re overthink. Loudly.” 

“You can’t think loudly, Simon.”   
“Well, you’re doing it. So stop.” 

“I’m worried.”    
“Don’t.” 

“I can’t  _ not  _ worry, Simon.”    
“Baz, it’s okay. I promise.” Baz sighs, and Simon hopes he’s done, but he’s still  _ thinking.  _ “Stop thinking.”   
“I can’t, Simon. Davy-

“Don’t.” 

“I’m serious-

“Baz-

“I’m scared.”   
“You don’t have to be. I’m okay.”   
“What if tomorrow we find out he did- you know.” 

“We’ll figure it when we’re there. It’s a problem for Future Baz and Future Simon.” Baz sighs.

“You’re unbelievable.”   
“Thanks.” Simon tilts up his head, looking for his lips. He misses the first time, kissing his cheek instead, but the second time he does find his mouth. It’s short and sweet, and then Simon curls back against his side. “Sleep.” 

Baz sighs, but he does relax and resumes petting Simon’s hair. He likes it. 

“Goodnight, Baz.” He whispers. Baz kisses the top of his head. Simon smiles. “Softie.”    
“Goodnight, Simon.” 

Simon is falling asleep when he hears Baz talking again, a whisper that Simon is not sure he’s meant to hear. It’s so quiet that maybe he imagined.

“I love you.” He says, and Simon would like to say it back, but he’s already asleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are always appeciated!


	12. Monster

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What's up, we're getting close to the ending!   
> This chapter is-- a lot. Please read the warning, as it's quite heavy, and be safe kids.  
> Comments and kudos are always appreciated! 
> 
> Song: Monster by Imagine Dragons
> 
> Warnings:   
> -Child abuse  
> -Explicit description of violence  
> -Mentions of drugs  
> -Blood, like everywhere

_ [Everything I touch isn't dark enough _

_ If this problem lies in me _

_ I'm only a man with a chamber who's got me, _

_ I'm taking a stand to escape what's inside me. _

_ A monster, a monster, _

_ I've turned into a monster] _

**BAZ**

_ Simon is gorgeous.  _

_ The sun filters through the tree, washing him in golden light. His blue eyes are shining and he smiles at Baz. _

_ Baz smiles back, kissing him. When he pulls back Simon is still smiling, and Baz’s hands are covered in blood.  _

_ He looks back at Simon. _

_ “It’s mine.” He says.  _

_ “I don’t understand.” His voice seems to echo, the image tilting to the side, and suddenly it’s all wrong. The golden light is gone, and Simon is pale, blue eyes empty and void. “Simon.”  _

_ He’s still smiling, but it’s a cruel one. _

_ “You did that.” Someone says from behind him, and Baz whips around to find his father. Malcolm’s eyes are hard. “You did that.” He says again, pointing at Simon. He’s bleeding, there’s blood everywhere, Baz is covered in it. _

_ “How?”  _

_ “It’s what you do, isn’t it? You ruin things.” _

_ Baz looks back at Simon. He’s still smiling, and it’s terrifying.  _

_ “You’re beautiful.” Simon says, paler by the second. He lays down, looking up at the sky, and Baz knows with absolute certainty that he’s going to die.  _

_ “I don’t understand.” Baz says again, turning back to Malcolm.  _

_ “You’re poison.” He says. Simon closes his eyes. “It’s your fault.”  _

“Baz, wake up!” Baz opens his eyes tasting bile in his mouth. He sits up, his brain trying to catch up with whatever is going on. He looks around and his eyes fall on Simon.

_ Simon. _

He takes his face between his hands, looking deep in his blue eyes. Scared and worried and panicked but not  _ empty.  _ He pulls back, sliding his hands down his chest and side, scared that he’ll find blood.

“Baz?”   
There’s no blood.

“You’re fine.” He says. Simon nods, confused. 

“It was a nightmare, Baz. I’m okay, you’re okay. You’re safe.” 

_ Simon Snow, Golden Boy with an Hero complex, always worrying about others.  _

“I know.” Baz says, feeling all the tension leave his body. “Sorry, it was- new.” 

And it was. Usually his nightmares involve his mom, or Andrew, dying and realizing no one is going to miss him. 

Simon takes his hand and brings the palms to his lips. It tickles and it makes Baz’s smile. 

“Want to talk about it?”    
Baz bites his bottom lip. 

“I don’t know.”

“You don’t have to. Penny always makes me talk about mine, though. It helps.” Baz sighs. 

“Niall says the same thing.” 

“We’re lucky they're our friends, then, yeah?” 

“Yes, definitely.” They lay back down, and Baz curls against him. Simon is always running hot, which is perfect because Baz is always cold. 

“It started fine. You were there, and I kissed you and when I pulled back you were bleeding. There was blood everywhere.” Baz clears his voice, playing with Simon’s fingers. “Malcolm was also there and told me it was my fault and then you died.” 

“Baz, look at me.” Simon says, and Baz can’t quite bring himself to meet his eyes. Simon tilts his chin up, forcing him to look him into the eyes. “It was only a nightmare. I know you could never hurt me.” 

“I have. Multiple times.”

“But you’re not like that anymore, are you?” 

“I know.” 

“But?”

“But I just- he’s right, people around me get hurt all the time. I don’t want it to happen to you.” Simon brushes his fingers over his side. 

“You won’t, Baz.”

“How are you so sure?”   
“I trust you.” Simon says. Baz blinks. 

“It can’t be that easy.”   
“But it is, Baz. It is.” Simon kisses his forehead, his lips warm on Baz’s skin. “Try to sleep.” 

Baz does. 

**

They take Penny’s car. It’s bigger and consumes less. 

They all pile in, Penny driving in the front and Simon beside her. Baz, Dev and Niall are squeezed in the back, with Niall in the middle. They left right after breakfast, and Baz is barely awake. He’s got a coffee, and his sunglasses on. Penny and Simon are bickering about music. 

It’s nice, overall. Niall is sleeping, head on Baz’s shoulder, holding Dev’s hand. 

“Simon, I don’t want to hear your shitty techno music all the way there!” Penny says, screaming over the pounding trash music Simon is playing. Niall snores on his shoulder.

“Sorry, Penny, can’t hear you over my  _ fantastic  _ choice of music.” Penny punches him on the shoulder.

“Penny! Keep your hand on the wheel, fuck.”

“Dev get your boyfriend, he’s drooling all over me.” Baz groans.    
“Sorry, you’ve been chosen, mate.” Dev smiles, and Baz rolls his eyes. He catches Simon’s eyes in the rear mirror, and the blonde gives him a smile. It’s too early to smile, so Baz just sips his coffee instead. It’s overly sweet, just how he likes it. 

At one point Simon gets out a bag of chips, his awful music still playing. 

“Bet five pounds Niall wakes up when Simon opens the bag.” Dev says from over Niall’s head. Baz smirks. 

“You’re on.” Simon smiles, opening the bag slowly. 

Niall straightens up.

“Who has chips? I smell chips.” He mumbles, rubbing his eyes. 

“Niall, you useless bitch.” Baz complains, getting out his wallet and handing five pounds to Dev.

“What?” Niall says. Dev kisses him on the mouth briefly.

“Nothing, dear. You were perfect.”

“Want some chips, Niall?” Simon offers from the front. Niall looks suspicious, which is even funnier than their bet. 

“What did you put in them?” Niall asks, eyes bouncing between the three of them. Penny snorts from the front.

“Boys, behave.” Simon shushes her. 

“Nothing, Niall. Go ahead, you can have them.” Baz says, his voice saccharine. Simon coughs, trying to suppress a laugh. 

“Oh my God, you totally put something in there. Assholes.” 

“We didn’t put anything, I promise!” Simon says, eyes earnest and lips curled into smirk. 

“You eat them first then.” Simon shakes his head.

“They’re for you. I promise they’re good.”   
“I literally don’t trust anything you say.” 

“You can’t have any, unless you eat them now.”   
“I’m not falling for your stupid prank, Snow.” Simon shrugs, grinning. 

“Your loss, Niall.” He says, taking a handful of chips and shoving it into his mouth. Niall stares, mouth open. Dev burst out laughing.

“You should see your face, wow.” Dev says between giggles. Baz smiles, gazing at Simon. Niall pouts.

“Assholes.”   
“We literally didn’t do anything! You just did it all by yourself.” 

“Fuck you. I’m going back to sleep.” Niall says, pulling the hood over his head again. Dev grins, wrapping an arm around his shoulder.

The trip goes like that. Baz and Penny argues about history and literature, and Dev and Simon talk about videogames and music and movies. Nerds. 

“Hey we’re in Liverpool, now. Where’s the hotel?” Penny asks. Simon gets his phone out, guiding Penny to their destination. 

**

They ordered room service. 

They booked an apartment with three rooms, and they’re sitting in the small common area, on the floor, eating the ridiculous amount of food Simon ordered. Though, watching him eat, Baz is not sure they really overdid it.

After lunch Simon goes to take a nap. Penny gets a book out of her bag and starts reading. He, Dev and Niall end up playing cards on the floor until it’s dinner time, by which Simon emerges from the room looking a lot like a puppy. A puppy that just woke up. His clothes are hanging a bit big on him. He really did lose some weight during the weekend. His hair is an absolute disaster, and his eyes are still half closed as he shuffles in the room and plops down beside Baz, hooking his chin over Baz’s shoulder.

“Good morning, Sleeping Beauty.” Baz teases. Simon doesn’t reply, clearly too sleepy to talk. Simon turns back to the game.

“Baz, what’s that on you face?” Dev asks. Baz raises one hand. He doesn’t feel anything on his face.

“Yeah, I’ve never seen your face do that?” Niall continues.

“What on Earth are you talking about?”

“I think it’s called ‘smiling’?” Penny says from the couch grinning. Simon snorts, wrapping an arm around his waist.

“Very funny.” Baz says, schooling his face into his usual mask of indifference. Dev and Niall are snickering. “I can’t believe you would allow them to treat me like this, Snow.”   
“What do you want me to do? Defend your honor?”   
“Isn’t that what the Prince Charming is supposed to do?”   
“I thought I was the Sleeping Beauty.” Simon is grinning, and Baz rolls his eyes, dropping the cards.

“I give up, you’re all losers.” 

“Dinner?” Simon asks. 

** 

The Den is not fancy, but not a shithole either. It’s just normal, Baz figures. 

There are some people, music is playing quietly. Not too full, but not empty either. It’s just kinda there. 

They enter and everyone turns to look at them. 

“Oh look, they love us already.” Dev says from behind him. Simon takes his hand and Baz squeezes it. 

“Let’s do this fast, I don’t like this place.” Penny says. “It looks like one of those places where I get roofied.” 

“Luckily, you’re in company of four strong men.”   
“Men is a generous term for you idiots.”   
“Guys, shut up.” Baz says. They sit down and Baz and Simon get up to go the bar.

“Do you see him?” Simon asks, alert and on guard. He’s got his chin jutted out and jaw clenched. He’s really to fight, Baz realizes.    
“Not yet. But he’s got to be here.”   
“Or maybe Lamb lied.”   
“He doesn’t lie.”   
“How do you know that?”   
“Because he never lied to me?”   
“Yes, but that was two years ago.”   
“What can I get you boys?” They both spin around to the bartender. It’s him.

“Nicodemus Petty?” Baz asks quietly. The man stares hard at them.

“Do I fucking know you?” Simon shakes his head.

“No, but I know Ebb.”

“Ebb? How?” Simon smiles a little.

“She’s like a mom to me.” It’s the first time Baz has heard him say that, but it does make sense. Baz did see them the day they went fishing for information at her place. 

“You must be Simon.” Nicodemus says, looking at Simon. “I thought you’d be taller.” Baz can’t help the short laugh leaving his lips. Simon looks betrayed. 

“So, if he’s Simon, who the fuck are you?” 

“I’m Baz. Pitch.” Nicodemus stills. 

“Why are you here?”    
“I need to talk to you.”

“Well I haven’t got anything to say to you.” Nicodemus closed off. Baz fucked up. The man puts down two pints of beer in front of them and is about to leave when Simon speaks again.

“We need your help, please, Mr. Petty.” Nicodemus stops again. He glares at Simon, then at Baz.

“I can’t help you.”   
“You don’t even know what we want.”   
“I do.  _ You.”  _ He says pointing at Baz. “Want to know who killed your mommy. And  _ you.”  _ He turns to glare at Simon. “Want to know if your daddy did it.” 

“So she  _ was  _ killed.” Baz says, and he breathes. Nicodemus is glaring again, and Simon has an arm around his waist. He’s glad Simon is here, if he wasn’t Baz would have already fallen off the stool. 

“I didn’t say that.” Nicodemus says. Baz can’t speak.

“Yeah, you did.” Simon says, leaning over the bar. “Please help us, we just want to know.” 

Nicodemus looks torn. 

“Ebb told us about you. She wants you to help.”   
“I don’t care what my sister wants. I haven’t talked to her in years.” Simon shakes his head. 

“I don’t believe that.”   
“And why not, Golden Boy?” Simon looks taken aback for a second. “I keep up with the news.” Nicodemus waves a hand. 

“Ebb talks about you all the time. One time, we were drinking wine, and she let it slip that you see each other on Christmas every year.” Nicodemus scoffs. Then huffs a laugh.

“Ebb. How is she?”   
“Good. Could be better. She works for him, you know?”   
“I know. She’s there for you, Golden Boy. I tell her to leave all the time, but she won’t listen. As long as you’re there, so is she.” Simon might be tearing up. Baz zones back in real life, and blinks, squeezing his hand.

“Simon.” He gives Baz a watery smile, nodding. Baz turns back to Nicodemus. “Tell us everything.” Nicodemus sighs. 

“Sit down. I’ll get you something to drink.” 

**

“Do you mind if I record you?” Penny asks, getting her phone out. 

“No. Who is she?”    
“She’s my best friend.” 

“Right. Anyway.”   
Nicodemus does have some things to tell. He  _ was  _ hired to kill Natasha Pitch. It was meant to look like an accident, a gas leak. Natasha was supposed to be alone in the house, though.

He didn’t do it. He backed out before going through with it, and he figured the hit had been canceled. It wasn’t, only postponed. 

“Who hired you?” 

“That’s where it gets tricky.” Nicodemus takes a long sip from his beer. “I never met him, so I can’t be sure.”   
“But?” Simon pushes. 

“He was supposed to pay up half front and half at the job completed. Well he tried to scam me, payed half of what he was supposed to. So I called back the number we used to communicate. A  _ secretary  _ picked up the damn phone.”   
“Secretary? Who?”   
“I don’t know. She said she worked for the Salisbury Charity Foundation.” Nicodemus is met with silence. 

“Who?” Penny asks, eager to know more. “Who’s Salisbury?” 

“You figure it out yourself. I can’t say more.”   
“But you didn’t say anything!” 

“Your problem. Go away now.” 

**

They’re back at the Hotel, and Baz is exhausted.

“That was a waste of time.” He says. He wants to punch something, preferably Nicodemus Petty’s ugly face. 

“No it wasn’t, Baz. We know it  _ wasn’t  _ an accident.” Simon says, reaching out for his hands. Baz pulls back, getting out his cigarette. The room has a balcony luckily. 

“But we’re not any closer to know who did it, are we?” Baz growls. 

“Baz-

“I need a moment to think.” He says, going outside. Simon doesn’t follow him. 

**PENNY**

“We’re missing something.” Penny says for the thousand time. She’s pacing the common area up and down. Baz is still outside chainsmoking, and Simon’s eyes are glued to the window. Dev and Niall are barely awake. 

“Who are the Salisbury’s?” Penny asks to no one in particular. “We need to investigate, boys.”   
“I’ve never heard of them, and I know everybody in London.” Niall says. Dev punches him lightly on the arm.

“Slut.”   
“Not like  _ that!”  _

“Boys, focus, please.”    
“Penny, I really have no idea.” Simon sighs, rubbing his eyes. He gets out and walks outside to Baz. 

“Those two are depressing.” Dev comments. Penny nods. 

“I get diabetes from them.”   
“I think they’re cute.” Niall says. 

“Of course you do, you fucking sap.” Dev teases, and Niall rolls his eyes. 

_ Who are the Salisbury’s?  _

**SIMON** **  
** Baz is staring at the sky, cigarette dangling from his lips. 

“Baz?” He turns, and Simon offers him a small smile. “You okay?” 

“Yes. No. I don’t know. It’s messy.”    
“Okay.” Simon stands by his side, steals his cigarette and finishes it. At one point Baz takes his hand and Simon intertwines their fingers together. They don’t say anything, but that’s okay too. 

**

They’re almost home. Baz is staring out the window, and Simon is driving now. Penny has nodded off in the seat beside his, and Dev and Niall are talking quietly between themselves.

The mood is very different from their trip over. 

Then Baz straightens up so fast he hits his head on the ceiling of the car. He seems to barely notices.

“Oh my God. I’m an idiot.” He says. 

“Baz?” 

“Salisbury. I know who she is.” 

“She?” Simon asks. He shakes Penny and she blinks awake. 

“Lucy Salisbury.” Baz says, and he’s met with silence. “She went to Oxford with my mom. She was Davy’s girlfriend.” Baz says, looking at Simon through the rear mirror. Simon almost crashes the car because he’s staring back,

“Simon!” Penny screams and he cringes.

“Shit, sorry, guys.” 

“Baz talk.” Penny says, head between the seats. 

“I don’t know anything else, really. She wrote that this Lucy fell in the same crowd with Davy, like Petty did. She’s never mentioned again after their graduation.”   
“If she went to school with them, we can find her. Talk to her, see if she knows something about the Charity Foundation.” Simon says.

“Guys, who was at head of the Foundation?” Penny asks. That’s a great question. “Whoever it was probably was authorizing the payments.” 

“Google it.” 

Niall is scrolling through his phone is a second. 

“It’s so weird.” He says. 

“What?” Baz asks.

“I just- it’s as if the Foundation never existed. Or, it did, but now there’s no trace of it. Even if it was fifteen years ago, there  _ should  _ be something, right?” 

“Probably. I don’t know.” 

“Did they have the Internet fifteen years ago?” Dev asks. 

“Of course they did.” Penny rolls her eyes. “You know what? I bet my mom knows something. We should talk to her.”

“How long do we still have?” Baz asks, basically vibrating in his seat.

“About half an hour.” Simon replies, smiling softly. He nods. “We’ll get at the bottom of this, Baz, you’ll see.” 

**PENNY**

For a second Penny worries Mitali Bunce won’t be home, even though it’s quite late. They have a big, dysfunctional family, but they all make a point to have dinner together. 

Today, Penny has guests. 

“Mom, I need to talk to you.”   
“Hello to you too, Penelope.” She says, not looking up from her phone.

“Hi. It’s important.” She looks up and finds her army of idiot boys. 

“Did you start a band?” She asks, squinting. Simon laughs. 

“Hi, Mitali.”

“Simon! Love, didn’t even see you there. Come here.” Her mom wraps him into a hug and Simon relaxes in her arms. 

“Well, what’s going on?” 

“Mom, you need to tell us everything you know about Lucy Salisbury.”    
“Oh, it’s been a while since I heard that name.” 

“But you know her?” Baz asks, stepping forward. Mitali looks him over.

“Basilton Pitch.” He winches, as if he just remember that out families don't like each other. Well, this is awkward. 

“Nice to see you, ma’am.”    
“You’ve grown quite a bit since last time I saw you.” She says and Baz nods, and that’s on that. “Yes, I knew her. We went to Oxford together.”   
“What happened to her?” Mitali closes her eyes a second, like she does when she’s trying to remember something.

“There was a scandal involving the Salisbury’s.” She begins. They all sit down around the table. “They were a powerful family, back then. Then Lucy got pregnant with some nobody’s kid and run to America. I haven’t heard of her since. The Salisbury’s moved to Paris, last I heard.” 

“Paris?” Baz groans. “We can’t go to Paris.”   
“Why would you go to Paris?” Mitali asks, looking at her again. Penny shrugs. 

“Mom, did she knew Davy?”    
“Davy? I think they dated for a while. She was very in love.”   
“And him?” Simon asks. 

“He’s Davy, you know how he is. Loves his work more than anything else.” Penny sees Simon grimacing. 

“Right, of course.” 

“Why all these questions?”   
“One more. What about the Salisbury Charity Foundation?” Mitali rolls her eyes. “Mom? You know it?”   
“Yes, it was a travesty. It was meant to help struggling young women. Teen moms, drug addicts, girls that had been kicked out, things like that.”   
“But?”   
“It only lasted a couple of years. There was some scandal with the money being stolen, or something like that. I don’t recall.”    
“Do you know who ran it?”   
“There was a board, but it was anonymous, why?” 

“Just curiosity.”   
“Penny, what’s going on?”   
“Oh nothing. Summer project.” 

“Penny-

“Thank you, mom. We have to go, though.”   
“But dinner-

“I’ll eat later. Love you.” Penny blows her a kiss and walks out, dragging all the boys with her, who follow with murmured apologies and excuses. They sneak into Baz’s house again, and Penny steals Baz’s laptop. 

“Guys, it’s  _ obvious.” _ She says. Baz nods along with her, because he also put together the pieces. 

“Explain?” Simon asks. 

“Davy was in the board.” He begins. “He must have been, and it’s not a coincidence that the Foundation was named Salisbury. He’s the only girl he ever dated, he  _ must  _ have loved her, and so he named the Foundation, for  _ struggling women,  _ after her.” Baz talks fast, tripping on his own words. 

“Struggling women, guys!” He says, as if the other three boys are idiots. Penny agrees. He rolls his eyes. “Lucy Salisbury ran away because she got pregnant when she was too young. Her family kicked her out, and moved to another country, that’s the  _ definition  _ of struggling woman. Davy called it the Salisbury Charity Foundation as some weird omagè to her.”    
“And then stole the money that were supposed to be for charity to pay off Nicodemus Petty, or whoever he hired when Petty refused.” Penny concludes. She shows them the screen of the computer. “Look. The Foundation closed down not even six months after the fire, but the money scandal happened  _ days  _ after the fire. The board was anonymous, but people talked. I looked through newspapers of that time, and people speculated a lot about who was in it, especially after the scandal. Guess who’s top of the list?”    
“Davy.” Simon says, and he flops down on the couch. The room is quiet. 

“Si?” 

“I have to talk to him.” He says, getting up again.   
“Simon, wait.” Baz takes his arm and Simon flinches. “You can’t go there.” 

“Davy- Davy wouldn’t- Baz he’s not- he’s not like that- 

“But he is.” Baz growls, raising the arm he’s holding. The bruises on his wrist are almost faded, but they’re still there, yellowish and very much visible. Simon flinches again, and pulls his arm free. 

“Si, I know it’s hard, but we need to go to the police. This is much bigger than just us.” Simon is shaking his head, and he’s got that look he gets when he’s about to start a fight. 

“I need to talk to him.” He says again, grabbing his jacket. “I’ll be back, okay?” He gives Baz a quick kiss on the lips and just like that he’s off. Baz is staring dumbfounded at the door. 

“Baz!” Penny yells at him, and Baz whips around. “What the fuck are you doing? We need to stop him!”

“You heard him, Penny-

Boys are so  _ fucking  _ stupid.

“He’s a  _ murderer,  _ Baz.” She says through clenched teeth. “And Simon, who Davy beats the shit out of on a regular basis, is going there.  _ Alone.”  _

“Christ.  _ Fuck!”  _ Baz clenches his fists. He glances at Dev and Niall but they’re already up. “Shit, let’s go.” 

**BAZ** **  
** They’re at the door when someone calls his name.

“Basilton.” He whips around to find Malcolm, and he’s getting a strong sense of Déjà-vu.

Right, his last nightmare. 

“Father. We’re in a hurry.”    
“It will have to wait. Come with me.” He says. Baz hesitates. Penny looks at the door, and so does Baz, and thinks of Simon. 

“Basilton, it was not a question.” Malcolm’s voice is low. Baz has a whole body shudder. 

“Penny, go. Boys, you too.”   
“No, the  _ boys  _ will stay.” Malcolm says. Penny nods curtly, giving an icy glare at Malcolm, and with that she’s gone. 

“Dev, Niall, go to you room. Basilton, come.” Baz nods at his friends and they stare back, eyes filled with worry. Baz will be fine. He needs to get this over with quickly, so he can go save Simon from his crazy adoptive father.

_ When did my life become a poorly written teen drama? _ _   
_ Malcolm leads him to his office, and locks the door behind them.

“I’m disappointed in you, Basilton.” Baz wants to roll his eyes. So he does.

“When aren’t you, Father? Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have more important business to attend to.” His hand is already on the handle when Malcolm scoffs.

“Your  _ boyfriend  _ Simon Snow?” Baz’s hands freezes mid-air. He takes a deep breathe.

“Father-

“You’re a disgrace, Basilton.” Malcolm growls and slaps him right across his cheek. It’s so strong and unexpected that it makes Baz stumble back against the wall. Malcolm is on him in a second, holding him up by the collar of his shirt. 

“Davy’s  _ idiot  _ son! That’s who you choose.” Malcolm sneers. “I guess broken people find each other.” He drops Baz as suddenly as he picked him up and Baz is getting nauseous from all this up and down.

“You will not see him ever again.” 

“You can’t stop me, Father. I’m an adult.” 

“You’re a pathetic child looking for attention. You’re a disgrace to this family, and you  _ will  _ stop seeing him.”   
“No.” Malcolm slaps his again, on the same cheek. It sting, Baz can definitely taste blood in his mouth. 

“You will do as you’re told.” 

“No.” Baz straightens his back. Another slap, on the other cheek. Baz’s eyes are starting to water. “You can’t make me.”   
“Basilton, don’t force my hand.” 

“Why? What will you do? Kick me out of the house? You know Daphne and Fiona would never let you. I’m a Pitch. This is  _ my  _ house.” Baz growls. Malcolm doesn’t step back, though he does look on edge at Baz’s words. He’s right, and they both know it.

“Your mother would be so disappointed in you.” The world is spinning around him. He forces himself to not budge. If Simon can stand up to his abusive father, then Baz surely can handle a few mean words from Malcolm. He has to, he tell himself. 

He needs to get this over with, so he can go find Simon and make sure he’s okay. 

“Maybe.” Baz says, and it’s like ripping open his own chest. “Maybe she  _ would  _ hate me, but she’s dead, Malcolm. It doesn’t matter what she thinks.” 

It matters. It matters more than anything else, but Baz doesn’t let it show on his face. Nineteen years spent schooling his face into an expressionless mask, Baz has been training for this moment his entire life. It’s easy, lying to Malcolm. 

“And your opinion is worth nothing to me,  _ Father.  _ Think whatever you want of me, but you have no power here.” 

He turns and unlocks the door. 

_ Simon, I’m coming to get you.  _

Then everything goes black. 

**PENNY**

Penny doesn’t see Simon outside of his house. He’s probably already in, which is very bad. There’s a light on, the one of the foyer, but when Penny knocks she doesn’t get any answer. He knows Davy is in, because it’s late and his car is in the driveway. She tries to look from the windows, but all the curtains are pulled as she can’t see anything. 

She’s very tempted to just scream Simon’s name. 

He calls Baz, but he doesn’t pick up, so he calls Dev.

“ _ Penny?”  _

“Dev, where’s Baz?”   
_ “He’s talking with Malcolm.” _ _   
_ “Well he needs to hurry the fuck up. I can’t get in and I can’t find Simon.”

_ “I’ll let him know once he’s done. Stay hidden, Bunce, don’t do anything stupid.”  _

Penny hangs up, and hides behind the bushes.

She could get Ebb, she thinks. There must be away to access the gardens without having to go through inside the house, but even  _ if  _ she can get Ebb what would they do then? Davy is a  _ killer.  _

Penny feels the panic starting to close her throat. 

This is so much bigger than them. 

She stares at the light coming from the window. 

Time for a list.

_ Things I know: _

_ -Davy is a killer _

_ -Davy killed Natasha _

_ -Simon is there with him, alone _

_ -I can’t call the police know, because Davy will probably run or hurt Simon or  _ kill  _ Simon _

_ Things I don’t know: _

_ -If Simon is okay _ (God, let him be okay)

_ -Where the fuck Baz is _

_ -How to get in _

Maybe she should just wait until Davy leaves tomorrow.

_ What if he doesn’t? What if it’s too late then? _

Penny makes up her mind. 

She has to break in, there’s no way she’s leaving Simon alone. 

She’s kneeling in front of the door, trying to pick the lock when her phone buzzes. It’s Dev again.

“About fucking time.” She whispers.

“ _ Penny, something happened. Baz is unconscious, he’s bleeding from his head- _

“What the fuck, Dev? What happened?” He sounds panicked, and rightly so.

_ “We don’t know! We found him like this, and Malcolm is saying he slipped and hit his head, but refuses to go the hospital- _

“Christ, I’m coming over. Don’t move him. Use a clean gauze or something to stop the bleeding.” She hangs up, and she stands up. 

_ Simon.  _

She has to hope he’s okay. 

_ I’ll be back I promise. _

She runs back to Baz’s house. 

**SIMON**

Simon open the door quietly. Davy is in the living room, watching the telly. Simon takes a deep breath and press record on his phone. He brings Davy a glass of his favorite scotch. He pretend to drop the coaster and kneels down, fumbling with his phone to make sure the entire room is in the shot. He starts recording. He puts the coaster on the table, and places the glass on top of it. 

“Thank you, Simon.” 

“Sir?”   
“Yes?”   
“Can I talk to you?”   
“Yes, of course, son. What is it?” Davy turns off the telly and gives him his full attention, which is unnerving. Simon doesn’t even know how to begin.

This was a horrible idea.

“Did you know Lucy Salisbury?” Davy doesn’t move. 

“She was my first and only great love.” 

_ Was.  _ Simon has a bad feeling about this. 

“How do you know her name? You’ve been talking to the Grimms, haven’t you? I thought I made myself clear.” Davy stands up, but Simon doesn’t step back.

“What happened the night that Natasha Pitch died?” He asks and Davy looks surprised. Guess he wasn’t expecting it. 

“What do you mean?”   
“Davy, I know it was you.” Simon says, holding his gaze. "You killed her."

“I did no such thing, Simon. How can you even  _ say  _ it?”

“I know you named the Salisbury Charity Foundation after her, and that you used that money to hire a hitman.” The words tumble out of his mouth like a waterfall. “You were mad she left you for another man so you tried to drag her through the mud, but-

Simon is pressed up against the wall, with Davy’s hand around his throat, holding  _ tight. _

Simon can’t breathe.

Davy’s eyes are on fire. He huffs a laugh.

“You’ve got it wrong, son.”   
“I’m- not- your- son.” Simon struggles to get the words out, dots dancing in front of his eyes.

“But you are.” Davy lets him go and Simon drops on his knees, gasping for air. He looks up at Davy with teary eyes.

_ Focus, Simon. _

“What?” He croaks out. 

“Lucy didn’t leave me for another man. The baby she was carrying, it was  _ mine.  _ And it was you.” Simon doesn’t understand.    
Davy steps back, pacing the room.

“She was the love of my life. I promised her the world, and I was going to give it to her, as soon as I made it to the top. But when you were about to be born she started getting  _ ideas.  _ She wanted to leave, can you believe? Said that I was crazy, and that she didn’t feel  _ safe.  _ I tried explaining it to her that it was a small price to pay, I would have made her rich and happy, she just had to give up  _ control.”  _

Davy grabs the glass and throws in the general direction of Simon. He’s quick enough to duck, but can’t avoid the rain if crystal on his head. He barely notices, though, eyes fixed on Davy.

“Lucy Salisbury was my mom?” He asks. “I had a mom?” 

“Of course you had a mom, you idiot.”

_ Focus, Simon. _   
“What happened? I don't- she- why-

“She ran. I took me years to find her again. Well, she did die in childbirth, but I found you instead. She tried to hide you, hoped you’d get lost in the system, even changed your name to  _ Simon Snow.  _ But I found you, and brought you home.”   
Simon can’t wrap his mind around it. 

Davy is his father. His  _ biological  _ father _.  _

_ Focus, Simon. _   
“Why did she run?” Simon asks, but he already knows the answer. Davy is  _ crazy. _

“She knew about my plans for Natasha, and didn’t approve.” He answers. He walks back to Simon. “It was for her, really. Everything I ever did was for her. Natasha was the last obstacle between me and success. She had to be removed.”   
“Removed.” Simon repeats, like a broken record.    
“Yes, removed. It wasn’t easy, lost of things went wrong, but we managed.”   
“Who?”    
“Some nameless thug. I got rid of him myself after the deed. No one even knew he existed, making him disappear was easy.”    
Simon is going to be sick. 

“You killed him.”    
“He was a mean to an end. And look at us, Simon! We made, we’re on top.” 

He looks at Simon like he expects him to smile and be happy. As if he didn’t just confessed to killing a man and indirectly Baz’s mom. 

“You’re crazy. You’re fucking crazy.” Simon whispers and Davy’s face distorts in a grimace. 

“I had high hopes for you, Simon. But you’re weak and pathetic like her.” 

Simon lounges. 

**PENNY**

Baz is bleeding. It’s okay, though.

_ Head wounds bleed a lot,  _ Simon has said once. 

Dev and Niall did bandage his head, and when Penny gets there he’s awake, looking lost and confused.

“Penny?” His voice is a bit raspy, and there’s a blossoming bruise on his cheek. 

“Christ, Baz, what happened?” Penny looks around for Malcolm, but finds no trace of him. 

“I- I think he pushed me and I hit my head or- I don’t know.”   
“How do you feel? Dizzy, nausea? Light-headed?”    
“Yes.” He says. Penny grimaces. 

“What do we do?” Niall asks. 

“How much time has passed?”   
“I don’t know, ten minutes?”    
“We’ll wait a bit more. I think you’ll be fine but you need to rest, there’s no way you go to Simon.”   
“ _ Simon.  _ Fuck.” Baz tries to stand, and he stumbles, swaying. “Shit.”   
"Baz, calm the fuck down, head wounds are serious.” Penny says, Dev and Niall each holding one of his arms. 

“Penny, I  _ have  _ to go-

“I know, okay? In a minute. Sit down, breathe. Dev ask him some questions.”   
“What kind of questions?”    
“Don't care, just do it.” 

Penny gets back to pace the room. Baz answers everything Dev ask him easily, which is a good sign. He keeps sipping his water. 

“Penny, we need to go.” Baz says. He stands up, and he looks like he might pass out again but he doesn't. 

“Baz- 

Niall begins to talk, and is interrupted by Baz.

“Let’s go.” Penny nods, because she’s also imploding with the need to get Simon, make sure he’s okay, and safe and  _ alive.  _

They take Baz’s car for the short trip, and Dev drives like a crazy man down the road. 

“How do we open the door?” Niall asks. Penny gets on her knees again. 

“Give me a minute.” 

**SIMON** **  
** The door slams open, and Simon barely looks up. He’s on the floor, and there’s blood everywhere, he can taste it in his mouth and it’s dripping in front of his eyes. Everything is red and metallic. 

“Look, your friends are here.” Davy says. Simon had the situation under control, until Davy pulled a gun on him. Simon stares right into the barrel, glances to his side to find Baz and Penny and Dev and Niall, looking like deers caught in the headlights.

_ No. _

_ Focus, Simon. _

“Davy.” He says, and Davy’s eyes slide back on him. Simon struggles to get on his knees. It takes him a moment, his entire body is in pain. 

“Give it up, Simon.” Davy says, pressing the gun to his forehead. He turns to look at his friends again, the metal is freezing on his skin. “All of you, what are you doing here?” 

“Leave him alone.” Baz growls, and Simon wants to scream at them to  _ go away. _

They can’t be here. 

Simon is pretty sure he’s going to die tonight, and doesn’t want his friends to see it happen. 

“He’s my son, I can do whatever I want with him.” Davy says. He grabs Simon’s hair, and he groans when Davy forces him to get up. 

_ Focus, Simon. _   
“Simon, tell them to go.” Davy says, pressing the gun against his head. Simon nods, looks at Penny and looks at Baz and nods again. He tries to smile, and fails miserably. 

“Go, guys. I’ll be okay.” He says, his voice coming out hoarse. Penny is shaking her head, eyes filled with tears. 

“Si-

“Penny,  _ please.”  _ Davy scoffs behind him, snapping back his head. Simon winches, but doesn’t try to fight it. 

Then something weird happens.

Simon hears it, more than anything. There’s a rustling sound, and then Davy curses under his breath, loosening his grip on Simon. It’s just a second, but it’s enough for Simon.

_ Time to die,  _ he thinks distantly. 

He grabs Davy’s hand, the one holding the gun, and pushes it away from his face, ducking at the same time. He trips Davy, and the man falls on the floor, dragging Simon with him. That’s okay. Simon punches him right on the face, and kicks the gun out of his hand. 

There are screams around him, and one of the voice sounds like Ebb, and Baz is definitely calling his name, but it’s all muffled and far, far away. 

Simon kneels down on Davy, and he tries to fight him off, but Simon is stronger. He pins Davy down, and starts hitting. 

There’s nothing but the sound of his fists crashing on Davy’s face, bones giving out under his knuckles. There’s blood, everywhere, Simon sees red, and he’s so  _ angry. _

Davy is the reason of every bad thing that has ever happened his life. 

“She  _ died  _ because of you.” Simon  _ thinks  _ he’s saying that, but it doesn’t sounds like his voice. Davy just laughs, spitting blood. 

“You killed her.” Davy says. “You killed her. You killed her. You-

“ _ Shut up!”  _

There are hands pulling at him, voices screaming but Simon can’t stop. He’s full of rage and hatred, an entire life of abuse spilling out. 

Simon is going to kill him. He’ll kill Davy, for all the bad things he’s done, for all the people he hurt, for breaking Simon in a way that can’t be fixed. 

“Simon,  _ stop!”  _ Penny’s voice cuts through his blind fury, and he stills for a second, which is enough for the hands to pull him back, away from Davy. He’s still laughing, in a pool of blood, and he registers sirens blaring and Ebb. 

“Simon.” She says. She must be the one who distracted Davy. 

“You’re ll never do anything good, Simon.” Davy says, winching, but getting up on arm. “You’re broken. You’re a murderer, just like me. We’re the-

Baz throws him a good punch, and Davy is out like a light. 

Simon doesn’t move. He stares at Davy, passed out in the living room. 

_ Focus, Simon. _

The entire world is spinning. There are people around him, the Police he thinks, coming in, guns out, and an ambulance. He feels nothing. 

There’s a paramedic talking to him, but Simon can’t hear her voice. He’s still staring at Davy. An officer cuffed him, and they’re taking him away, in the back of a car, and Davy keeps staring at Simon, smiling. It chills Simon’s blood, whatever bit is left in him anyway. 

“Simon?” Simon drags his eyes back to the paramedic. He thinks he should be in pain, but he feels nothing. There’s nothing.

_ Broken. _

_ “ _ Simon, your arm is broken.” He looks down, staring at his arm. 

“I don’t feel it.” The paramedic looks concerned. 

_ Focus, Simon. _

“You’re in shock, that’s understable. We need to take you the hospital, okay? Would you like to have someone with you?” He shrugs, and the woman looks around.

“Where are you parents?” She asks. It’s a legitimate question, Simon thinks, but there’s really not a good way to say this. He ends up shaking his head, too tired to answer. 

“I’m right here.” It’s Ebb, coming up from behind him. “I’ll ride with him.” 

“Ma’am, who are you?” 

“The gardener. 

“Right. Simon, is that okay with you?” Simon nods, doesn’t look at Ebb. 

The rest is blurry. He’s at the hospital, and they put his arm in a cast, take pictures of Simon’s bruised body. Baz and Penny are right by his sides when he talks to the police. He tells them everything, from the beginning, and at one point the officer taking his testimony falters, when Simon talks about Mr. Humdrum and then Davy locking him in his room with no food for three days. 

“Jesus, kid.” Simon doesn’t even flinch. Everything feels far away and distant, like he’s talking from inside a bubble, and all these bad things happened to another Simon. That Simon died the second Davy told him he killed Lucy Salisbury. 

_ It’s your fault. _

He tells the officer that too. He tells them about the hidden phone, that recorded everything and Penny and Baz look impressed.

“Smart boy.” The officer says. Simon nods. 

Penny’s eyes are huge when Simon starts talking about Lucy, his mom, and everything that has happened after. 

Baz cries when Simon says Davy was behind the fire. 

When he finishes talking his voice is raw. He doesn’t know what he feels. 

** 

Ebb comes in quietly. 

“How are you, love?” She asks, taking his hand. Her palm is warm. It’s nice, Simon thinks. He shrugs because he doesn’t know. 

“It must be a lot.” Ebb continues, smiling gently at him. “Simon, I talked to some lawyers, they’ll make sure Davy never sees the light of the day again.”   
Simon nods, distractly. Ebb is rubbing her thumb over his hand. 

“I’m so sorry you had to go through all this.” She says, eyes filling with tears. “But you’re safe now.” 

Simon doesn’t reply. Ebb sighs. 

Ebb is quiet for awhile, she smiles gently at him and brushes her fingers over his face and his hands, gentle touches, sweet and comfortable. Simon feels the knot in his chest starting to loosen up. 

“Simon, none of that was your fault, you know that, right? No one blames you.” Ebb says, breaking the silence. He sees Baz stirring, and Penny groaning, but they don’t wake up. Simon looks up at her, tilting his head to the side.

_ Of course it is. All of it. _

She cups his cheeks and kisses his forehead. 

“It’s not.” She says, as if she can read his mind. She’s always been good at reading him. “It’s not, Simon. It’s Davy’s.” 

_ Davy. _

There’s a lot unpack there, lots of mixed emotions and confusion and so much anger. Simon thinks all that anger is going to eat him alive. He doesn’t realize his hands are balled up into fists until Ebb rubs her fingers over his bloody knuckles. 

_ Focus, Simon. _   
“Simon, breathe.” She says, and he does. He relaxes his hands, looks down at them. The doctors cleaned all the blood away, but he still feels it. The sound of bones breaking under his, of Davy’s blood splashing on his arms and face is loud in his head. The same images keeps sliding in front of his eyes. 

“You will be okay.” Ebb says. “You’re not alone.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are always appreciated!


	13. ilomilo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Second to last chapter, guys!! After this only the epilogue is left, which is going to be short and sweet, so this is technically the last proper chapter of this story! It's very heavy, since it deal with the aftermath of everything, so just be careful, kids.  
> Also, i wanted to thank all of you, for reading and leaving comments and joining me in this two weeks, love you all!   
> Comments and kudos are always appreciated!
> 
> Song: ilomilo by Billie Eilish
> 
> Warnings:  
> -Selective mutism  
> -Eating disorder  
> -Simon has shit self esteem  
> -Alcohol as a coping mechanism  
> -Mentioned/referced child abuse  
> -Simon has suicidal thoughts  
> -Nightmares  
> -Panic attacks  
> Overall just a struggle

_ [ _ _ The world's a little blurry _

_ Or maybe it's my eyes _

_ The friends I've had to bury _

_ They keep me up at night _

_ Said I couldn't love someone _

_ 'Cause I might break _

_ If you're gonna die, not by mistake] _

**BAZ**

They keep Simon in the hospital one more day. He doesn’t speak a single word for the whole time. He, Penny and Ebb never leave his side, but he doesn’t seem to care. His eyes are empty, his mouth pressed into a thin line. 

He doesn’t eat. 

He doesn’t sleep, as much as pretends to, so he can avoid people, Baz thinks. 

There’s going to be a trial, but Ebb’s lawyers are confident they’ll win. Simon taped the entire thing, and they passed it on to the Police, so there’s no way Davy can get out of this.

There are journalists too, camped outside the Hospital, a few even make it inside, almost to Simon’s room. It makes Baz want to laugh. Even if they did manage to get alone with Simon he wouldn’t speak. 

Right now, they’re at Penny’s house. Simon has been staying there, in Penny’s room, while they figure out what to do.

There’s no way he’s going back to Davy’s house, so Ebb is looking for buyers. She’s also moving out, and asked Simon if he wanted to go with her. He hasn’t answered yet, as far as Baz knows. 

They’re all there, as they’ve been since that night. Penny, Shep, Dev and Niall. They can’t let go of each other. Agatha has been by several times, almost everyday but she’s packing for California, and she is busy. 

He doesn’t even know what they're saying, but it doesn’t really matter. They talk about university, the beginning of class in three weeks. Fiona came back, and she’s working to get Malcolm out of the house. Baz, Dev and Niall are renting a cozy apartment in Covent Garden. It’s cute. They each have their own room, but because they really are codependent they’ve all been sleeping in Niall’s bed.

Simon’s lips quirks up when he hears that. It’s small, almost invisible, but it’s there. Baz forces himself to keep calm and his voice even and keeps talking. 

“There’s are two extra rooms.” Baz continues, and he doesn’t say it , but he knows Simon will understand.  _ For you and Penny. _

Baz doesn’t think they’ll move in so quickly, but maybe next year, or the one after. Baz isn’t in a hurry.

“Dev bought a cereal dispenser, and now eats cereal and milk every morning. He’s lactose intolerant.” 

“Niall tried to change a lightbulb and it exploded.”    
“We adopted a cat. Her name is Nina. You’d love her.” 

“Niall painted Dev’s room in an obnoxious pink and now they’re in prank war. Things are escalating. The other day when I went home and I was hit by a flying pudding.” Penny snorts, and Simon has a small smile on his lips, eyes closed. 

He looks tired. He  _ is  _ tired. 

The bruises are still all there, a constant reminder of what Davy did, of everything Simon went through. He's got dark circles around his eyes, and it breaks Baz’s heart. This Simon looks like a washed up copy of the Simon Baz knows and loves. 

He runs one hand through the blond strands and Simon leans into his hand. He does that a lot, leaning in. Baz guesses he craves comforting touches as much as he's afraid they'll turn in painful ones. Simon, of course, hasn't explained himself, so all they can do is be gentle and ignore the way he always flinches before sighing and pressing himself closer. 

It’s okay, Baz tells himself. They'll get through this together. 

**

A week after everything went to shit, Ebb buys a studio and she moves in. For the first time, Simon gets out of bed and goes visit her. He still doesn’t say anything, but he smiles to Ebb and Baz’s heart straight up stops for a good minute.

Her studio it’s cute. It’s not big, but it’s full of light and plants and she has access to the roof, where she plans to grow a garden. Baz can tell Simon loves it. 

He also assumes he's not moving in with her, even though there's an extra room.

“Just in case.” Ebb says with a huge smile. She pulls Simon into a hug and he hugs her back, arms tight around her waist. He’s shaking, and she runs her fingers through his hair, pressing a kiss on his temple. “Oh, love.” 

Simon doesnt cry, he hasn't cried once since that night, but it's close. His eyes are glassy, and for the first time since that night they're not empty. 

**

Daphne and Fiona are right behind him. Dev, Niall, Penny and Shep are waiting outside. 

Baz stares at the wooden door of Pitch Manor, and his hands are shaking. 

“We can handle it ourselves, Baz. You don't need to do this.” Fiona says, one hand on his shoulder, this being kicking Malcolm out of the Manor. 

He shakes his head.

“I have to.” 

_ For myself. _

This is his house. He might have moved out, but Daphne and his siblings deserve to stay here. And he wants to be able and come and go without having to worry about Malcolm. 

“We’re right behind you, love.” Daphne says. Baz has never seen her like this. She’s divorcing Malcolm, and her eyes are red and puffy, but she looks determined.    
Baz nods, opening the door. 

He doesn’t know what he was expecting, but it’s not Malcolm sitting in one of the living rooms, clearly waiting for them, glass in hand. 

“Malcolm.” Daphne says. It’s taking every ounce of Baz’s willpower to not run out of there immediately. 

“You’re not welcome here.” He says, voice gruff and low. It snaps Baz out of his terror. He feels his lips curling into a skin, and he clasps his hands behind back so he won’t see how bad they're shaking. 

He straightens his back.

“Funny, I don't recall this being your house.” Malcolm stands up, and Baz clenches his jaw, blood freezing in his veins. His cheeks stings where Malcolm hit him, the bruise still there.

“I’ve had enough of you. Leave.” 

“No.” Behind him Fiona and Daphne close in. Daphne starts speaking.

“Malcolm-

“Shut up, this is all your fault.” He growls. Baz feels her flinching, but then she steps forward and Baz is right by her side with Fiona. 

“ _ No.  _ This is  _ your  _ fault.” She says, and she has tears in her eyes. “Did you sign the divorce papers?”

There’s fury in Malcolm’s eyes. Baz is acting before he can even process what’s happening. 

Malcolm raises one hand, in a far too familiar gesture, and Baz moves rapidly, getting between Daphne and Malcolm. He grabs Malcolm’s wrist right when it’s about to hit his face again. 

Malcolm looks takes aback, surprise flashing in his eyes. Then anger. 

“You worthless piece-

Baz sneers, grabs his collar and pushes him up the wall. He’s not strong enough to lift him off the floor, but he can hold him there, so he does. 

“You lost.” He hisses. “It’s over. Walk away while you can.” 

They haven’t told the authorities about any of this, but he will if he has to. 

“You won’t.”   
“Care to test that theory?” Baz growls. Malcolm reeks of scotch. “So? What’s it gonna be?” 

Again, Malcolm doesn’t say anything, simply glaring at Baz. 

“Will you sign the papers?” Baz asks again, pushing Malcolm again to make his point. “I’m not afraid of telling the Police, Malcolm. I’d do as I’m told if I were you.” 

Malcolm’s eyes bounce between him and the two women behind him. He nods. 

Baz steps back, letting him go. 

Fiona steps back, one hand out with the papers and the other on Daphne’s back. Daphne hands him a pen and she smiles. 

“Thank you.” Daphne says, to Fiona and Baz. They nod, and Fiona gently guides her toward the door.

“Baz? Go with her. I’ve got something to say to this piece of shit.” Fiona says, a chilling smile on her face. Baz almost feels bad for leaving Malcolm with her. Almost. 

Once he's outside again, Niall wraps him in a hug before he can say anything. Dev is there in a second, and Baz hides his face between them. 

It feels good, it feels like home. 

“You did great, Baz.” Dev says, and Niall nods, kissing his cheek. If Baz cries into Niall’s chest, then no one mentions it. 

**

Simon is sleeping beside him. They're in Penny's room again, but they're alone for the first time since That Night, a week and half ago. Davy’s trial is in two days. 

Baz is reading a book, Simon’s head in his lap, when Simon groans, breathing quickening. Baz’s heart clenches. 

Simon isn’t sleeping because every time he closes his eyes for longer than half an hour nightmares wake him up.    
He’s shaking. 

“Simon.” He calls, one hand on his shoulder. “Simon, love, wake up.” He says.

“No.” Simon whispers, face distorted into a frown. More words fall from his lips, a litany of  _ no  _ and  _ please  _ and  _ stop.  _ Baz will kill Davy. 

_ “ _ Simon wake up.” Simon’s body twitches and shivers. “Simon!” He calls again, and his eyes fly open. 

“ _ Fuck.”  _ He whispers, and it’s the first word he’s has said since That Night.    
“Simon, it was a nightmare, love.” Baz says, wanting to reach out. He doesn’t, because Simon looks like he might shatter if he does, eyes wild and raw. 

Simon pulls at his hair, hands shaking and knees drawn up to his chest. He’s breathing rapidly, air coming out in short puffs from his lips. He squeezes his eyes shut.

“Simon, you’re okay.” Baz chokes out. It’s bad, worse than usual. He wonders what it was about. “You’re home, you’re safe, no one can hurt you here, you’re home.” Simon huffs a broken laugh. 

“Home not safe.” He whispers, voice hoarse from disuse, and Baz flinches.

_ Of course. Home  _ has never meant  _ safe  _ for him, Baz thinks. 

“Simon, look at me.” Simon’s eyes flutter open, and they’re dark, stormy and hard. “You’re okay.” Baz says again, forcing his voice to be steady and calm. “You need to breathe.” 

Simon does. He takes a deep breath, exhaling slowly, then another one, his eyes never leaving Baz’s. 

He wants to pulls him close, and wrap him in his arms, where he’ll be safe and okay. 

Simon then nods, deflating. It’s like all the fight left his body all of a sudden, leaving him exhausted and empty. His eyes are glassy now, distant once again. He doesn’t look at Baz.

“Can I touch you?” Baz asks, and Simon shrugs. Baz ignores the pang in his chest and takes his hands. Simon doesn’t move. “Want to tell me about it?” 

He shakes his head, and Baz sighs. 

He talked to Penny and Ebb and they both think he should see a therapist, but neither of them has talked to him about it yet. 

“Talking might help.”    
_ Please say something. Anything. _

Baz misses his voice so much.

_ It hurts to see you like this, Simon Snow. _

“I’m sorry.” He whispers so quietly that Baz almost misses it. 

“You have nothing to apologize for.” Simon squeezes his eyes shut, frowning. He looks like he always does when he can’t find the words. Baz’s heart might skip a beat. 

“‘s my fault.” He says, louder this time, still raspy. 

“No.” It falls from Baz’s lips without him even realizing. “No, it’s not. None of it.” 

Simon looks like he wants to say more, but he doesn’t, and Baz knows he’s done talking. 

Baz leans down back in the bed, and Simon curls in against him. Baz holds him close, kissing his hair. 

_ I love you. _

He rubs circles in Simon’s back, and stays quiet. Eventually, Simon’s breathing evens out, and Baz knows he’s fallen asleep again. 

When he wakes up again, not even an hour later, Baz is still there to talk him out of it. 

**SIMON**

He dresses mechanically. Ebb and Penny moved all of his things from his old room to Penny’s house, where they are sitting in boxes. Baz chose a black suit for him. He says he looks gorgeous, but Simon feels nothing like that.

He was never able to slip a mask on like Baz does, he doesn’t know how to hide all his emotions behind a sharp suit. 

It’s being two weeks and the trial is today. 

He’s so scared he can’t breathe. He’s been scared since That Night, as Baz and Penny refers to it. He looks at himself in the mirror. 

The bruises on his face are fading, turning a sickly yellow. The gash on his forehead is still very much visible, and Simon is positive it will leave a scar. His body got the worst of it as usual, but the suit covers every inch of his skin. 

Then he thinks that the Police took pictures of his battered body when he got to the hospital, and that today everyone will see how broken he is and tears well up in his eyes, and he can’t breathe, the collar of bruises on his neck is still very much there, he can’t breathe-

_ Focus, Simon. _

Baz comes in the room. He’s jumpy and itchy too, today. Simon forces himself to not flinch when he takes Baz’s hands. Baz smiles at him, soft and unsure. 

It hurts, to see him so uncertain of himself. It’s his fault, obviously, because he’s pushing away everyone that cares for him, but he can’t help it.

He feels like he’s drowning and they don't deserve to be dragged down with him. 

“Ready, love?” Baz asks, and the words echos in Simon’s mind.

_ Love. _

Baz calls him that a lot, Simon has noticed. He wishes he could say it back, feels like he’d break if he did.

The problem is that there's so much going on in his head, in his chest. He feels heavy and suffocated, and doesn’t know how to deal with it. It’s easier to pretend he’s not feeling anything. If he pretends hard enough he can fool himself too. 

He nods at Baz’s question, and lets his boyfriend drag him outside to his car. The press is at the outer gates, cameras flashing and microphones out.

Penny and Shep get in the car with them, Niall and Dev are riding in Fiona’s car behind them with Ebb. It makes his heart clench. They’re all here for him. 

It takes longer to get through the press at Penny’s house and outside of the court than to actually get there.

Baz has a hand on his back and doesn’t let go of him for one second, glaring hard at everyone who tries to ask him questions. 

Simon feels dizzy by the time they make it inside. 

He sits in the front row, with his friends by his side and tries to breathe. The room is stuffy and hot and Simon is so uncomfortable. 

“Si, you okay?” Penny asks and he nods curtly.

He definitely doesn’t feel okay, but it’s fine. He has to do this, isn’t even remotely ready for it. 

When Davy comes in, Simon stops breathing. He feels Baz and Penny squeezing his hands, feels Ebb patting his shoulders, distantly notices they’re saying something to him, but Simon’s eyes are zeroed on Davy. He’s smiling, looking directly at him and he looks  _ perfect.  _ He’s put together and sharp as he always is. Simon wants to kill him. 

The trial begins and Davy’s eyes don’t leave him for a second. 

At one point, his video is projected. 

Simon feels sick. 

On the huge screen, he’s covered in blood. He watches Davy beat the shit out of him, tears streaming down Simon’s face through the blood. Davy is yelling, face morphed into an angry expression, as he hits Simon’s head against the floor a few times. 

When he breaks Simon’s arm the sounds resonates in the room. 

Then Davy gets out the gun, and Simon watches him holding it at his head. The Simon in the screen doesn’t even flinch, looking directly in the barrel. 

Simon remember wishing Davy would shoot him and end it all. Screen-Simon is clearly thinking the same thing. 

He watches his friends come in, and the second everything turned around when Ebb got in. He watches Screen-Simon kneeling down over Davy and hitting, blood splashing everywhere, his manic laugh loud in the room. Screen-Simon looks possessed. He’s screaming, a desperate and broke sound, it freezes Simon’s blood. He watches his friends in the screen pull Screen-Simon back when the Police finally comes in and the moment when he breaks down, tears streaming down his face again. 

The video stops, and Simon feels all the eyes in the room on him. He turns to look at Davy, who is already staring back. 

There’s complete silence for a few long minutes. Simon can’t breathe. 

Then the lawyers are talking again, but Simon can’t make out a single word, too focused on Davy. Davy is smiling at him. 

_ Focus, Simon. _

It takes all the willpower Simon has to not get over there and choke the life out of him in that exact second, or to kneel down in front of him and beg for forgiveness. He doesn’t really know what he’d do given the chance. 

Then, suddenly, Davy gets up and Simon jerks back out of instincts.

_ He's coming for you.  _   
He crashes into Penny’s body, and she wraps her arms around her, but Davy doesn’t get any closer, walking to the stand instead.

“Simon, he can’t hurt you.” Baz says quietly, but Simon barely notices him, eyes trained on Davy. He shouldn’t have come here, shouldn’t have brought his  _ friends  _ here. What if Davy does something? What if he hurts them? Simon doesn’t know what he’d do if one of them got hurt. 

“Simon is a complicated kid.” Davy says from the stand. Simon flinches, because he knows what’s going to happen now. He’s not ready to have Davy drag him through the mud. For his friends to hear how  _ bad  _ he really is. He might be squeezing Baz’s hand too tightly, but he doesn’t complain. 

“Years in foster care would mess with anyone, but what it did to Simon goes beyond. He’s a broken boy, who has been hurt too many times. The things he did, no one in their right mind would do anything like that.”    
Simon can’t breathe.

_ Focus, Simon. Focus, Simon. Focus, Simon. Focus, Simon. Focus- _

“He’s violent, has a history of alcohol abuse. He gets into fights all the time, that’s how he got all those bruises.” He says, as if all the fights Simon got into weren’t with him. “He doesn’t know how to cope with strong emotions, so when I told him I was his biological father he reacted…  _ strongly.”  _

“He’s blaming you.” Penny says, as if she can’t believe it. Baz looks downright murderous. 

“He needs help. He’s sick. What you saw in the video, I was simply trying to keep him calm so he wouldn’t attack. You saw what he’s capable of, he’s dangerous-

Davy’s mouth fall shut, and Simon realizes he’s standing up. 

_ Focus, Simon.  _

“You’re lying.” He grits out. Davy’s eyes are hard. “You’re lying.” He says through clenched teeth. 

“You know I’m not, Simon.” Davy says smiling gently, eyes cold. “You know what the truth is.” 

Simon makes up his mind and decides he’s going to kill him. 

_ Focus, Simon.  _

“You  _ abused  _ me for  _ years.  _ You  _ killed  _ people and blamed  _ me  _ for it _.”  _ He says, swallowing back the tears that threaten to drown him. Simon forces himself to take a deep breath so he can speak without falling apart. “You  _ broke  _ me _.”  _

Davy’s smile is sharper now. Simon can’t breathe.

_ Focus, Simon.  _

“And you deserved it.” Davy hisses, staring down at Simon. It’s chaos. Simon distantly thinks that Davy basically admitted to everything he’s accused of, and suddenly he’s being dragged out of the room in handcuffs. Davy is still looking at Simon, though, and his voice is calm and measured when he speaks again.

“You killed her. It was your fault. All of it.” 

Simon doesn’t know what happens after because he runs out the room, sliding on the floor, back against the wall.

“Fuck. Shit- fuck,  _ fuck- _

He punches the wall, and the pain is so sharp that it brings him back to where is for a second. 

_ Focus, Simon.  _

He’s choking. He feels Davy’s hands close tight around his throat, and he can’t see anything, he’s drowning, he’s  _ sinking _

“ _ Simon.”  _

Simon looks up to find Baz kneeling in front of him, frantic and jumpy. He takes Simon’s face between his hands, saying something that Simon doesn’t catch, and suddenly it’s all too much. 

He hides his face in Baz’s chest and breaks. 

Baz holds him while he sobs and screams and cries, and whispers things in his ear that Simon doesn’t understand. The world is spinning, and Simon is falling, and he can’t breathe, and there’s nothing but the knowledge that Davy did it all because of  _ him.  _

_ Focus, Simon.  _

“I’m sorry.” He chokes out, against Baz’s shirt, drenched in his tears and snot. “I’m so sorry.” 

There are voices, and people, and then Baz is pulling his up, keeping his head down as he drags Simon away from the screaming crowd. Baz takes him to a bathroom, and locks the door behind himself. 

“I’m so sorry, Baz, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, sorry, I’m so sorry-

“Simon-

“‘s my fault, mine, he did all of it because of me, I’m sorry, Baz, I’m so sorry,  _ please,  _ I’m sorry, my fault-

“ _ Simon.  _ It’s  _ not  _ your fault, okay?” He shakes his head, gasping for air. Baz holds his close and Simon’s knees are weak. 

“It is.” Another sobs wrenches out of him. “It is, I’m sorry, Baz, please, I’m sorry-

“Shh, Simon, love, shh, it’s not your fault. You did nothing wrong, you hear me?” 

“Baz, fuck, I-

“ _ No.  _ You listen to me, Simon.” Baz takes his face between his hands. He’s crying too and Simon lifts one hand to wipe his cheeks away. 

“Please don’t cry.” Simon whispers, because he can’t take it. Baz sniffles, he looks sure of himself and confident, like he should.  _ This is right, _ Simon thinks distantly.

“It wasn’t your fault. Davy would have done it all even if you hadn’t been there. He’s lying  _ bastard  _ and he’s using you, he used you for years, and  _ it’s not your fault.” _ _   
_ “He killed your mom.” Simon says, voice cracking. Baz flinches, nods. 

“ _ He  _ did.”   
“I’m so sorry, Baz.”   
“I don’t blame you. No one does, Simon, you’re the only one.” 

“Baz, I can’t- he, he- 

“Simon,  _ please,  _ I need you to know it’s not your fault.” Simon feels a new wave of tears filling his eyes, and forces the down. 

“I’m sorry.” Baz pulls him in again, and Simon melts against him. “She died because of me. They both did.”    
“They died because Davy was a crazy piece of shit, you understand, Simon? I’ll repeat it as many times as you need.” 

Simon shakes with the sudden realization. 

“What?” 

“Simon-

“You’re- you’re not- you’re  _ staying?”  _ Baz blinks, and then his mouth falls open as understanding downs on him.

“You thought I’d leave?” Simon nods. 

“Why wouldn’t you?” 

“Oh, Simon. You’re so fucking dense sometimes.” He says. Simon really doesn’t understand. 

“Baz-

“I love you.” Baz says, as if he’s just told Simon that the Earth is a planet. Like it’s a fact. As if it couldn’t be any other way. 

Simon doesn't understand.

“ _ Why?”  _ Baz brushes his thumb over Simon’s bruised cheek, his gray eyes are soft and gentle and so full of  _ love.  _ Simon doesn’t think anyone has ever looked at him with so much love in their eyes. 

“Because you’re the sun, Simon. You’re my everything.” Baz’s voice cracks a little, and his eyes are watery, but he’s also smiling. “I’ve loved you for a long time.” 

Simon finds he has no voice so he instead he takes Baz by the back of his neck and crushes their mouths together. It’s messy, and desperate, and they’re both crying, but Simon hold on to it, to  _ him,  _ because Baz’s is Simon’s everything too. 

“I love you.” Baz whispers in the air between them, and it sends chill down Simon’s spine. 

“I love you.” Baz says, fingers digging into his sides, and Simon finds that he breathe again.

“I love you.” Baz tells him, and the knot in Simon’s chest loosens. He hadn’t realized of afraid he’d been of Baz leaving, until he told him he’d stay. 

“I love you.” Simon says back, and Baz’s smile is so beautiful that Simon thinks that maybe they’ll get through this. 

**BAZ**

Simon goes to therapy, and Penny and Baz go with him to every session, waiting for him outside. 

The first time he goes, three weeks after That Night, it’s a complete disaster. The session is cut short, because Simon runs out of the place with tears streaming down his face, and he punches the wall so hard that he breaks two of his fingers. So now, both his left arm and right hand are in a cast.

The second time goes a bit better. He gets through the entire session, but when he comes out he’s got that wild look in his eyes that reminds Baz of a scared deer. Neither Penny nor Baz touch him, afraid that he’ll run. 

The third time, Simon has a panic attack as soon as he steps out of the room, falling on the ground as if his legs couldn’t hold him up anymore. 

The fourth time, the cast on his arm has come off. Simon still comes out pale and shaken and scared. He does bolt this time, leaving Penny and Baz to worry back at Penny’s house until he comes back hours later, looking like a wreck and smelling of alcohol.

“Did you get into a fight?” Penny asks. He’s got a new bruise but on his face, a black eye and a split lip. He doesn’t say a word, just goes in the bathroom to take the longest shower of his life. Baz sighs and lights himself a cigarette. Penny sits beside him, resting her head on his shoulder. 

They don’t say anything when Simon smokes through an entire packet of cigarettes that night. 

**PENNY**

Simon is drunk. He’s sitting on the balcony, feet dangling in the air, the ground four floors lower. 

“Simon.” Penny’s voice is think with emotions. “Simon, come in.” 

He shakes his head, laughing. It’s like being stabbed, hearing his laugh. Penny has never been so scared in her entire life.

“Why?” He asks, looking down. He sways a little on his seat, and Penny sucks in a sharp breath. Then Simon stands up, unstable on his feet, and looks down again. He’s not smiling anymore. “I should do it.” He says, calm and steady. 

Penny feels his heart actually stop for a long second. 

“Don’t.” Penny says.

“Why?” He asks again, whipping his head around. His voice is broken and desperate. “ _ Why not?”  _

“For me.” Penny says, stepping forward. Simon stares hard at her.

“You’d be better off without me.” He says and Penny shakes her head. 

“No, I wouldn’t. You’re my best friend, Simon. You’re like a brother to me. Please.” She holds out her hand for him to take. 

_ Please take it. _

“I’m poison, Penny. I don’t want to hurt you.”   
“You won’t. I know you won’t.” Penny’s eyes are fire and fierce as she stares at Simon. Something seems to switch in his brain. He takes her hand, and Penny lets out a long sigh, wrapping him in her arms. She’s shaking and so is Simon as they hold onto each other. 

“I’m sorry.” Simon whispers, a sobs tearing past his lips. “I’m sorry, Penny, I’m sorry, I didn’t- I wouldn’t- I could never hurt you.”    
“I know.” She sobs. “I know, I love you, it’s okay, Simon.” 

Penny pulls back to stare at him. She makes a point of throwing away every bottle of alcohol they have in the house.

“Don’t scare me like that ever again.” He nods, wiping his cheek.

“I’m sorry.” Penny feels like she might choke.

“I can’t lose you, Si. I can’t.” She says, taking his hands.

“I’m sorry, you won’t Penny, I promise, you won’t.” 

That night Simon sleeps with his head in her lap, and when Baz comes over sometime later, he finds them like that.

“What happened?” He asks quietly, to not wake him up.

“He almost jumped off the balcony.” Penny answers, tears filling her eyes again. Baz sucks in a sharp breath.

“ _ What?”  _ She nods to the window and Baz follows her gaze, before falling on Simon again. He’s sleeping peacefully now, but they both know he’ll wake up soon. 

“He was drunk.” Penny whispers, exhausted. She brushes the curls away from Simon’s face, and he sighs in his sleep. “I was so scared, I thought he’d do it.” 

Baz hugs her, and Penny cries quietly in his chest.

“I thought I’d lose him.” Penny whispers, still holding Simon’s hand. She promises herself she’s never letting go again. 

“We won’t.” Baz says, caressing Simon’s face. “He’s strong. He’ll get through this, with us.” 

Penny nods.    
Simon is strongest person Penny knows. Her brave, selfless, courageous idiot. 

“He’ll be okay.” Baz says again, a bit to her and a bit to himself, and Penny nods.

“Yeah.” 

If someone can get through this, it’s Simon. Penny just has to believe in him.

** 

Simon looks focused. He’s got dark bags under his eyes, and he looks exhausted, but he’s staring attentively at the screen of his computer. He’s on the couch of her room, headphones in, so she sneaks in quietly, looking over his shoulder.

He’s looking at culinary schools. How to get in, more precisely. Penny smiles. 

“Hey, Si, what’s up?” She calls loudly, and he jumps, closing the computer quickly. 

“Nothing.” He says sheepishly. Penny rolls her eyes.

“I saw you. Do you think you’ll apply?” Simon’s eyes turn dark, and he looks down.

“No.”   
“Why not?” 

“I wouldn’t get it. It’s pointless.”   
“You don’t know that.” He rolls his eyes.

“Drop it.”   
“You should at least try.” He glares at her, standing up.

“It’s fine.” He mumbles, walking out of the room. 

_ Boys.  _

Penny takes the computer and turns it back on. It’s still on Google, several tabs open to show the several schools Simon looked into. 

Penny spends her afternoon sending applications to all of them.

** 

“Do you like it?” 

Simon looks around with huge eyes, and Penny catches Baz smiling softly at him. 

Today, they forced Simon out of the bed to go looks at apartments, and Penny thinks they finally found it.

The place is big, but not big enough that it’ll feel empty. It has two big rooms, and an open space with kitchen and living room. It’s full of light, and the kitchen is huge and modern and it looks fantastic.

Uni starts tomorrow, and they’re all going except for Simon that deferred for a year. He needs a break, and Penny agrees. Also, the letters from the several culinary schools should start getting in tomorrow. 

Simon nods, smiling. It’s the biggest smile Penny has seen on his face since That Night, and it’s so good and refreshing that Penny feels like she can breathe again.

“Yeah.” He says. The apartment is halfway between Penny’s uni and Baz’s house, perfect position. There’s a park not far away, and it’s in a nice neighborhood. It’s everything they were looking for. 

“So you’ll take it?” Baz asks, taking Simon’s hand. Simon meets her eyes and nods. Penny nods back.

“Yeah, we will.” Penny says. 

**

“I have a surprise for you.” Penny says, slamming the door open. Baz and Simon are in Baz’s bed, in his apartment. In the kitchen, Dev and Niall are yelling as they try to make pizza from scratch. 

Simon looks up, eyes tired. His sleeping has improved a little, over a month from That Night, but he still sleeps like two hours at night at best. 

“What’s up?” Baz asks, fingers curled in Simon’s hair. She points at Simon, waving the bunch of letters from culinary schools in her hands. 

“You’re going to culinary school.” She says smiling. Simon sits up, eyes wide.

“What?” He croaks out. Penny laughs, dropping the letters in his lap. She _ might  _ have opened all of them already, to check if he did get in. And he did, in almost all of the ones she applied to, except for one.

_ Their loss. _

Simon’s hands are shaking as he picks up letter after letter, eyes growing wider with each piece of paper he reads.

“Simon, that’s fantastic!” Baz says from over his shoulders and Simon’s mouth moves uselessly for a few seconds. He looks up at Penny again, and there are tears in his eyes.

“You applied?” He whispers. She nods, smile faltering. He doesn’t look happy. 

Did she just fuck up monumentally?

She’s about to apologize when Simon gets up and wraps her in his arms. Penny exhales, hugging back. 

“Thank you.” He whispers in his hair.

“Of course.” Penny smiles, closing her eyes. Then he pulls back and beams at her, and for a second it’s like before. Simon laughs and Baz kisses him and Penny whoops in the air and everything is good. 

**SIMON**

Who knew going furniture shopping would be so exhausting? 

It takes him and Penny the better part of two weeks to finish fornituring the apartment. It's good, it keeps Simon busy.

By the end of it, it’s a mix of them. Penny’s books occupy almost every available surface, and the kitchen is full of food and a new set of pans and pots and it’s Simon’s safe space. 

There are pictures of them and their friends on the walls and on the small table beside the couch. 

One shelf of Simon’s wardrobe is filled with Baz’s clothes, and his toothbrush is beside Simon’s on the sink. He has his own shelf and toothbrush at Baz’s place. 

It’s good, it’s more than good, it’s  _ perfect. _

Dev and Niall are playing videogames on the big tv in the living room, and Shepard is helping him to make dinner for everyone, and Baz and Penny are arguing over music and books and Simon has never felt better. He trails his eyes over his friends, and feels his lips curving into a smile.

It feels like home.

**

_ Davy is screaming. _

_ “Worthless.” _ _   
_ _ “Murderer.” _ _   
_ _ “Fucked up.” _ _   
_ _ “Broken.”  _

_ His words are accompanied with blows, the belts setting Simon’s back on fire. He looks up through the tears and finds a woman staring at him. She’s got blond hair and blue eyes like him. _

_ “Mom.” He whispers. Davy laughs, the belt coming down on him again. Lucy Salisbury’s eyes are hard. _

_ “Why did you kill me?” She asks. Simon sobs.  _

_ “I’m sorry.” Davy kicks him and Simon rolls on the side, eyes on Lucy. She stares down at him. _

_ “It’s your fault.” _ _   
_ _ “You always destroy everything.”  _

_ “I’m sorry.”  _

_ “You’re a disappointment.” Simon looks up. Davy has gun now, and Simon feels the cold barrell press into his forehead.  _

_ “I’m sorry.”  _ _   
_ _ “Not enough.” Simon closes his eyes. _

_ “I’m sorry.” Davy pull the trigger.  _

Simon sits up, shaking. He runs his hands over his face, checking for blood, checking for the bullet wound, and he comes up empty. 

_ Focus, Simon.  _

“It was a nightmare.” He tells himself.

“Simon?” He hears Baz’s voice beside him, gruffy with sleep, but he ignores him. There’s blood rushing in his ears, adrenaline pumping in his veins.

“Not real.” He pulls at his hair. 

_ Focus, Simon.  _

“Not real.” He says again, and feels Baz put one hand on his shoulder. He whips around, to stare at the other boy. 

“You’re okay.” Baz says, voice low. “You’re okay, you’re safe.” Baz takes his hands and pulls them away from his hair. Simon lets him, forcing down the tears. He's so tired of crying. 

“Baz.” He whispers, and Baz nods, pulling him into his arms. They lay back down, with Simon’s head resting on his chest. He can feels Baz’s steady heartbeat under his ear. 

“I’m sorry.” He whispers, and he doesn’t even know what he’s apologising for. 

_ Sorry I woke you. _

_ Sorry I’m messed up. _

_ Sorry my dad killed your mom. _

Baz kisses his hair gently, softly. 

“It’s okay, Simon. I got you, you’re safe now.” Simon nods, sighing in his chest. 

“I love you.” He whispers, because he does.

“I love you too.” Baz whispers back, arms tightening around him. Simon lets his heartbeat lull him into sleep again. 

**

“You’re not eating.” Baz says. Simon looks up from his bed, Penny and Baz are standing in the doorway of his room. 

“I’m fine.” Simon says. “Go away.”   
Today is not a good day. He’s been in bed for most of the day, but he’s still exhausted. His limbs feel heavy and his head hurts like it’s been hurting for the past two months. 

Migraines have become part of his day, like breathing. He wakes up and his head hurts, and it still hurts by the time he goes to bed. 

It’s okay, he’s getting used to it. 

“Simon, why aren’t you eating?” Penny asks. 

“Not hungry.” He says. 

His therapist told him he should talk to his friends more. They are his family, and they’ll help, she said. Simon only has to let them. 

_ (“I can’t.”  _ He has said that day. “ _ I can’t.” _

_ “Why?”  _

_ “Because they'll see how worthless I am, they'll know that i’m a waste of space and they’ll leave and then i’ll be alone.” _

_ “They won’t leave. They love you.”) _

“Simon, why aren’t you eating?” Baz asks, sitting down beside him. 

Today is a bad day, and Simon is so tired. 

He closes his eyes, and feels Baz run his fingers over Simon’s hand. The bed dips when Penny sits down too. 

He feels bad that they have to put with him and his mood swings and his inability to function like a normal human being.

_ Why aren’t you eating? _

It shouldn’t even be a problem.  _ Fuck. _

_ Focus, Simon.  _

Normal people can eat without needing their friends to shove food down their throat. 

“Simon.” 

“I can’t.”    
“Why not?” Baz asks. Simon shivers.

_ Why not?  _

_ I don’t deserve it. _

How does he explain that? It sounds fucked up even in his own head. 

He knows he’s being stupid, knows he needs to eat, but he  _ can’t.  _

Everytime he thinks about eating something he wants to puke. 

_ Focus, Simon.  _

“I’m fine. Go away.”   
“Simon, why can’t you eat?” Penny asks. Simon open his eyes. He’s so fucking tired.

He really wishes he could drown everything in gin, but Penny has banned all alcoholic beverages in the house after the time he almost jumped from the window.

Not his finest moment. 

Simon shrugs. He doesn’t know how to explain it, doesn’t even know if he  _ wants  _ to.

Baz and Penny are looking at him with worry in their eyes and Simon can’t take it. He turns around, giving his back to them.

“Simon, talk to us, please.” Baz’s voice is soft. Simon hates him a little, because he can never say no to Baz. 

He forces himself to sit up and it requires all the energy he has. 

“I don’t deserve it.” He whispers, closing his eyes. He’s still turned, but he can feel them staring at him.

“What do you mean?” Penny asks. Simon plays with the hem of his shirt, biting his lip. 

_ Focus, Simon.  _

“Food- is, uh- uhm, it’s for- for- for good kids, an’ I- I’m not- he said- he never- when I-

“Christ.” Baz whispers. Simon feels him get up and Simon freezes. He turns around a little, nervous, and finds Baz pacing the room, looking furious. Penny looks angry too, fists clenched. She looks at Simon with hard eyes.

“You’re punishing yourself.” She says, and Simon flinches, a full body shudder. He looks down. “He took food from you when you misbehaved, and now you think you can’t eat because you think you’ve been bad.” 

Simon doesn’t add anything else, eyes stuck on his hands. 

“Fuck, Simon.” Baz says, so much anger in his voice that Simon flinches. He’s about to apologise when Penny hugs him. 

“You need to eat, Simon.”   
“ _ I can’t.”  _

“Yes, yes you can. It’s okay. He can’t hurt you anymore.” Simon hides his face in her hair. He wishes he wasn’t sto fucked up. 

“Come on, I’m making you dinner.” Baz says, stopping his pacing. He holds his hand out for Simon to take. He does. 

Baz does indeed make dinner, some pasta with tomato sauce because he’s useless in the kitchen, but Simon doesn’t mind. They sit around the table, and Simon stares at the plate in front of him.

Truth is, he’s  _ starving.  _ He doesn’t remember the last time he ate a proper meal, and his stomach is empty. He’s so hungry. 

Davy’s voice in his head is screaming, and he’s got a killing headache.

_ Focus, Simon.  _

Baz and Penny keep glancing at him. Simon ignores him, heart racing.

Christ.

_ Focus, Simon.  _

He takes a bit and it’s so fucking good that Simon almost moans out loud. He does close his eyes for a second. 

He eats rapidly, scared that if he takes too long the food will disappear. 

He’s still hungry. He looks up and finds Baz ready to put more food on his plate with a smile. 

Simon is so grateful for his friends.

“So, how was your day, Baz?” Penny asks and Baz starts talking.

**

Kissing Baz makes Simon feel alive. Kissing Baz sets his skin on fire. Kissing Baz is like breathing. 

They’re on Baz’s bed, sitting in front of each other. Baz’s legs are at either side of his waist. Simon leans forward again to catch his lips in another kiss, sliding his fingers under his shirt. 

Baz makes a low sound against his lips. 

Baz runs his fingers through Simon’s hair, then over his shoulder and arms, back down to his side and over his back, fingertips barely brushing the skin. 

“I love you.” Simon whispers between them, and Baz beams at him.

“I love you too, Simon.” He says quietly. Simon cups his cheeks, and Baz leans in his touch. 

Simon wants to thank him for sticking around, for always being there to put Simon back after a nightmare, for reminding him to eat, for loving him unconditionally like he does.

He doesn’t, because as always the words fail him. It’s okay, though. 

He runs his thumb over Baz’s bottom lip, instead, and hopes Baz understand anyways. 

Baz smiles at him, lips curling and eyes shining. Maybe he does understand. 

They keep kissing until they need to breathe and their lips are sore, and then they kiss some more. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are always appreciated!


	14. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THE END!!  
> So, I dont know how i feel about this, it's super short, but I just wanted to wrap this story up in a way that would show everyone getting their shit together, and slowly getting over their trauma and everything, so this little scene came out.   
> Thank you all for reading, and sticking with me throughout these two weeks, it's been fun!   
> I loved reading all of your comments, and more are always welcome of course <3  
> So that being said, see you next time!
> 
> Warnings:  
> -Mentions of child abuse  
> -Mentions of drugs  
> -Mentions of alcohol/alcoholism  
> -Mentions of eating disorders  
> -Mentions of nightmares

_ [One year later.] _

Simon is lounging at the edge of the pool, sunglasses on. He’s smiling at Baz, miles of tan skin covered in uneven scars. There’s a cigarette hanging from his lips.

Baz takes it and brings it to his own lips, and Simon pinches his thigh in retaliation. 

Behind him, Dev pushes Niall in the pool and then jumps after him with a screech. Penny is reading a book, head on Shepard’s lap, who is snoring loudly. 

“Want to get in?” Simon asks, taking Baz’s hand. 

He nods. He’d follow Simon anywhere. 

Simon jumps in screaming, and immediately starts fucking around with Niall and Dev, chaotic trio that they are. Baz sits on the edge of the pool, feet in the water, and takes pictures of them, but especially of Simon.

It’s not rare anymore to see him smiling like that, bright and uncaring, but Baz wants to remember it forever anyway, so he takes pictures. 

He lights another cigarette, watches the boys playing in the water, laughing and screaming, and Simon is so beautiful. His blond hair is sticking to his forehead and he keeps running his hand through it to push it away from his eyes, blue and shining and so bright.

Therapy has been good to him. Baz knows that Simon still has a long way to go, they all do.

(Yes, he finally got his head out of his ass and also started seeing someone. Lord knows he needed after  _ Malcolm.)  _

Its okay, though. He’s getting better. They all are.

Simon still has nightmares more often than not, but it’s okay, because Baz does too. They spend every night together, either at his or Simon’s apartment. It’s good. Baz sleeps better with Simon curled around him. 

Overall, it could be worse. If Baz thinks of the first few months after That Night, he thinks it’s a miracle they all survived. It feels like a dream, sometimes, like it didn’t really happen.

Of course it did, the scars on Simon’s body are hard proof of it.

But they’re better now, Baz just has to keep repeating it to himself.

Simon eats like he’s never full again, and he doesn’t drink as much anymore, and Baz hasn’t felt the pull of drugs in a long time, and they’re all together, which is everything Baz has ever wanted. 

Simon smiles at him and it’s blinding. When he sees the cigarette Baz is smoking he swims over and steals it just like Baz did less than an hour ago. 

Simon wraps his hands around Baz’s body and pulls him in.

“If you wet my hair-

“You’ll what?” He asks, grinning like an idiot. Baz glares at him. 

“I’ll make you pay for it.” Simon leans in, catching his lips in a kiss. His mouth slides lower, to Baz’s necks. Baz shivers in his arm, wraps his legs tighter around SImon’s waist.

“I’d like to see you try.” Simon whispers against his skin, and Baz pinches his shoulder. Simon laughs, a mischievous look in his eyes.

“Simon,  _ don’t.”  _ Simon puts the cigarette between his lips again, smiling. Then he drops Baz in the water. 

Baz emerges a few seconds later, hair dripping in his eyes. 

“You’re so dead, Snow.” Simon laughs, throws the remaining cigarette in the vague direction of the ashtray on the edge of the pool. 

“Come get it, Pitch.” He says, eyes shining. Baz hates him.

(That’s a lie, he loves him so much that it hurts, but it’s okay because he’s Simon’s everything too.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are always appreciated!

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, guys, what's up? Nice to see you again.  
> Comments and Kudos are always appreciated, let me know what you think!  
> Find me on Tumblr with the same handle (JCMadGirl)  
> (https://www.tumblr.com/blog/jcmadgirl)
> 
> Warnings:  
> -fighting  
> -drinking  
> -mentions of child abuse


End file.
